Who am I

I've started the search for a Dominate yet again. I'm speaking with several who have been very thought provoking.

LV actually contacted me with the intention of chatting about my tat. During the conversation, we decided to take it further. He ask me "why you want to serve anyone" and "what does service do for you'. I couldn't really answer these questions. He told me that I had to focus on me, not the other person. This is a really new concept for me. I'm so use to focusing on everyone else, I'm afraid I lost me.

We also discussed wants and needs. I stated I wanted a Dominate and I'm beginning to believe this may be more of a need instead of a want. Also, I didn't realize that being a submissive is a burden. I'm asking someone else to make decisions that affect me. Its like raising my children and I never thought of it that way.

I'm looking forward to this new exploration. I have been so set on exploring the physical side that I didn't consider anything else.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to take a minute and wish all my fellow bloggers and followers a safe and Merry Christmas.

Feeling

I'm sitting here trying to determine exactly how I feel. I don't feel a loss as I have in the past but I feel as if I'm missing something. I don't really know how to fix it because I have no intention of just giving myself blindly to anyone. I also have no intention of being a doormat.

At times, I wonder if my standards are just too high. I think I had a great long distance relationship but I needed to feel him. Experience things with him but that was possible because of life situations. I had a play partner that wanted to dominate me but had made too many mistakes and trust was lost. So now I wonder where things will go.

Over all the year has been a good kink year. I attended a couple of events. I have been able to explore my bi side a little further. I have made some really supportive friends in the lifestyle. I also had the opportunity to explore a couple of more sensations. I'm hoping to continue my growth and learning. I also hope to find someone that I can be comfortable with to help with my exploration of the physical side.

Today

I'm struggling with who I am and how to explore finding myself. It seems everywhere I turn, someone is being over critical and judgmental of my actions, beliefs, statements and opinions. For a lifestyle that is to be open-minded and show a higher level of freedom, I'm finding a lot of very closed minded with no general information about what they are choosing. I knew they existed but they seem to be flocking to my life.

I have come to accept my submissive nature but I get the feeling no one else does. Most have seen the dominate aggressive side and can't believe that I'm a natural submissive. I believe part of my aggression comes from my mood disorder and past life experiences that others aren't aware.

I have ordered several books. I've read one that had a lot of good information and I've started on the second. I have also enrolled in an e-course to help me explore. But this doesn't help with the area that I would really like to explore, the physical side of BDSM. I have had the opportunity to experience a few sensations and hope to continue a little deeper with a few.

Simply Amazed

I'm totally baffled by today's events. My play partner went from stating "I don't want a relationship...I'm not in a relationship" to "I'm a Dom/Top, your topping from the bottom" all because I'm vocal about my displeasure in his sub cyber stalking me and attempting to damage my reputation not only in the lifestyle but professionally.

He also stated I haven't done a real scene because I have not played in public. And since I have only "attempted" at play with him, I haven't deserved aftercare because I didn't go to sub space. All this information was provided from Doms at a play party that endorses subs that follow no protocols. We attended two play parties where he didn't question any Doms about our situation.

In the 8 months that I was seeing him, our relationship was to be strictly sexual. However, he stopped having sex. When I he was attracted to me, he stated he was only stressed out by life's events. But today, I received the following email "Fuck you you crazy bitch I am most happy to get off your bullshit ride we have been on.I hope you find what ever it is your cazy ass is looking for.I would'nt do the things you wanted b/c I knew you was fuckin nuts.an it would only be a matter time before would dismiss yourself.you are your own problem if you that your pride an put it in back of you some more people might like you.beside wendy an shawn.I know a long time ago you would never work out.an the main reason I did,'nt fuck you is because you suck at that too.so if you want me to say who is better let's see who am I with.an you are with who oh yea I forgot you need someone to say your rite all the time".

The only thing I wanted was from him is to protect me from his cyber stalking sub. He didn't even believe me until she indirectly admitted it 6 months later. But I'm topping from the bottom. Oh and I had to address the issue of her slanderous statements in 2 different groups on Fetlife.

When I informed him that I didn't trust him, he stated he couldn't trust me not to call the police. Don't know where this came from, I never even threatened too. I did tell him my fantasy was to be forced but I didn't expect him to fulfill it. I thought it was just a conversation between two individuals that were friends and like-minded. Boy I was wrong.

Oh...I did tell him I'm Bipolar and I had concerns with sub drop. Also informed him that I would not be dominated any place other than the bedroom. I thought I was speaking English but I guess I was wrong.

I can say it another chapter is closed. No one wants to be with another who isn't interested or is dishonest. Or who confuses vanilla with this potentially freaky lifestyle that has endless possibilities.

My First Flogging

I had wanted to be flogged but it always seemed intimidating. But I have to say, I loved it. I should have let it go longer but I had a schedule that needed to be maintained. This was somewhat of an impromptu flogging.

I had bought S a flogger at the fetish play party. I was his target the few swings while at the party just to see which one he actually wanted. I had hoped to experience it at the motel but we were able to kidnap a very beautiful woman. So things were side tracked...lol

Then while at my house, there were just too many people. I did think we may get some play in after most left the house but that didn't pan out either. So my frustration boiled over which he could tell. We didn't talk for most of the drive to his house.

He then called me to the basement. When he called, I figured he was going to attempt something, especially after my tantrum. He wasn't as prepared as he would have been if we would have had more time.

He ordered me to remove my clothing. He tied my hands to some supports in the basement. He then stated he had planned to do this and the reason it needed to be at his house. He gave a couple of more orders which I complied with then I felt the first stroke. He continued to give more strokes and talk. At one point, he stopped to rub my body. Oh did that feel good. I love having my body touched. I could also feel my pussy was extremely wet. He continued the flogging. I began dancing which prompted two sharp hits. One for dancing and the other for making him wait. There was a couple more strokes, I then stated I was done. I was concerned with the time.

He then began to rub my body which included the clit. While my arms were still secure, he decided to slid his dick in...oh it felt so good. My arms were released and I was told to get on all fours.

Later when we talked, we both agreed we liked flogging. I told him I probably stopped it before I should have. He stated he liked the flogger and flogging me. I believe he plans another flogging session when I return. I hope its soon.

Fetish Play Party

We decided to attend a Fetish Play Party in Pittsburgh. It was absolutely great once we found the location. I had become frustrated because I had gotten lost in Pittsburgh again. But once arriving, it was great.

After giving the club a once over, we went to look at the toys available. A handcuff was placed on my wrist but there was an issue with removing it. Later, it was discovered that the key was broke so the cuff wasn't defective.

We than met my online friend face to face. Cherry was great and enthusiastic. She stated several times that she was a sub but she enjoyed torturing a few of the male gender. She came dressed as a dominatrix. She stated over and over "I really am a sub". We both described her as a switch.

There was talk of kidnapping her which she wasn't against. However, she was waiting to see if her current interest was going to show up.The dirty talked continued for the entire evening. There were a few spankings which caused her pussy to become soaking. We all continued to touch and talk. Her interest finally stated he would not be arriving so she decided we were not to be passed up. It might have also been her being brought to the brink of organism while sitting at the bar.

Because of the anticipation, she insisted we go to her home instead of our motel room. She stated "I'm 15 minutes away". All I can say is "WOW...what a ride"! Cherry sitting in front decided she wanted to play with my tits so pulled the right one out and began sucking. She was also rubbing and pulling on the nipple. She didn't exclude the left one. S was in the back sit and I believe he began to play with her. She removed her blouse and bra then reclined her seat. S was torturing her nipples than began to finger bang her. Cherry had a grip on my right tit and as she began to orgasm, she dug her nails in. I continued to have to ask for directions and she was so distracted. She took us down the busiest street. She began to moan loud and then I heard a very familiar sound, that of a female squirting. Passerbys' attention was drawn to the car where they saw a female with her legs up on the windshield and tits out. She was so totally unaware of anyone around her.

When arriving to her apartment, she was worried about her skirt riding up and not the fact that her tits were out. Once on the sidewalk, there was a very stunned pizza delivery man. I don't think he believed that there would be a half naked female walking in front of him.

At first, she and I began to play while S sat on the couch and watched. She kisses extremely good and topped me which I didn't think would ever happen. I enjoyed her rubbing all over my body. My breast were red and had little nail marks all over them.

S got up and began to undress which was a mistake. When he took off his pants, it was very apparent that he liked the scene. Cherry could site of the hard dick standing at attention and wanted to feel it. We both began to lick and suck the dick together. She pushed me down on the couch with her on top of me while S slid the dick in. I could tell she was enjoying herself. Positions were switched to her riding. She stated several times that I was the devil. S was able to make her squirt several more times so not only did she soak my car seat but her floor.

She was thoroughly exhausted and needed to lay on the floor for several moments. She was told he wouldn't cum and could stay hard for hours but didn't believe either of us. He caused her to "tap out" as he would say.

I had told her he wanted to be shared. She had said it had been awhile and most were average. I tried to tell her, he was larger than average and would not cum. He ask if we could keep her and stated he hoped he hadn't broke her. She stated she wanted to keep me. I think she also wants to keep him at least for the time being.

She did want to see him fuck me so I proceeded to ride him. She said several times "you can take it all". We switched positions so that she could see the power of his strong stroke. Of course, he also made me squirt. We then worked to get him off.

It was more the 3sum that we (S and I) were looking for. He did have a desire to watch a little longer but I think the next time will be satisfactory to all involved. This was a great beginning.

I felt a little inadequate because of my lack of experience. I really didn't know what to do. I tried to follow her lead but next time I hope I can please her as she had me.

Ended

After a lot of thought, I decided to ask to be released. This was not a light decision. My request was granted, I am now unowned.

I have thought about the relationship we had which was strictly online. I don't think either planned it that way but because of our individual situations, it was what it had become.

We both enjoyed chatting but neither seemed to be available recently, again our individual life situations interfered. Maybe it just wasn't the right time. My life is on hold due to my grandson. I have always made my family a priority and I couldn't change that.

I just made my request with no explanation. He granted my release without asking why. I think we both knew it was the wrong time.

I do own him a Thank You. He did help me overcome anger and fear. He helped me move to the next level and I won't forget that.

Wondering

It seems my thoughts are ever changing, just as the Ohio weather. I become upset which of course brings out my totally bratty behavior. In my mind, I'm determined to walk away but always picks up the phone when the person I'm angry with calls. But with each incident, trust is whittled away. The friendship is damaged and desires are weakened. My partners don't listen or choose to ignore me until its too late. They always attempt to regain what was so freely given without realization of the damage. They just don't want to see the end is near.

During this process, I attempt to know the person so that I can meet their needs. But not one takes the time to truelly listen to my wants or needs. They never get to know me and actually miss out on the best part. I'm talking about my desire to satisfy, to love and be loved. They have all ignored the key word in Power Exchange...EXCHANGE!

In a D/s relationship, there is a give and take. When this is ignored or forgotten, the relationship is doomed to fail. Both parties involved must be satisfied and cared for so each can see success.

All this leads me to wonder if there is a Dominate out there for me? One that will take the time to really know me and see my value. One that will help provide me with that true and meaningful purpose that I stride to achieve? At this point, I'm extremely doubtful. I feel as if my value will always be wasted.

Problem Solved?

I think a temporary solution to my stalker has come to light. I attempt to ignore her "look at me...look how I have been wronged" posts. But when others, unknowing of the type of person she is, began posting "I'm sorry you had a bad experience", I began responding.

After responding, I thought it was good. The confrontation was because there are two sides to all situations and my side needed to be stated since the person who knew the truth wouldn't step forward. However, the groups weren't the right place. I apologied to both owners for taking the bait. I even offered to leave the groups if I had stepped over the line with my responses. I appreciate that both post were found inappropriate and have been deleted.

Our mutual friend wanted to end this situation. But it didn't work as I told him it wouldn't. She was only into blaming me for her life issues. She doesn't see her stalking or her inappropriate comments as a problem. She believes she is justified in her behaviors because she states once I laid eyes on our mutual friend, I wanted to take him away from her. The heart of the problem, she fails to understand he doesn't belong to anyone. He has been honest with me. He feels safe to answer questions with out receiving rage as a reaction.

He realizes she will never hear the truth. She only has her delusional ideas that she attempts to pass off as the truth. As long as I'm left alone, she can re-enforce her delusions. She just needs to keep them to herself. She has embarassed herself and our mutual friend but her postings. I truely pity her for this will prevent her from learning and growing.

Well, now for me, I'm attending a fetish play party. I'm ready to put all the negative behind and move to the next stage.

Trying to stay positive on this day

Today is Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have 3 great daughters that have produced 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons. I have a large family and some very close friends who I consider family. I have had the pleasure of exploring my sexuality.

However, my stalker continues to do things to agitate. It always happens when I'm trying to be a better person and move on with my life. I really don't understand what the appeal of harassing me is. I'm not doing anything to her. I don't go to her page. I don't respond to her unfounded delusions. She doesn't even write the truth. Its like she is making it up and saying it over and over enough in the hopes that it becomes truth.

I think the most upsetting thing is there is an individual that could take care of this situation, he choices not too. We have talked about it but he doesn't care enough about me and just doesn't want to deal with her.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I just want to be left alone and pursue my interest without being harassed.

Wow...an apology? NOT

My stalker reported to her Dom that she apologized to me. When I read it, I thought "Wow...really? Delusional". At least that is how I wanted to respond. However, I showed great restraint and didn't respond at all. I have thought of many other responses like "truth challenged".

I don't consider it an apology so don't have anything to accept. To me, she is blaming me and making up her own version of events. She really has no idea about what is going on with me or my relationships.

I'm posting the "apology" for everyone's laughing pleasure.

"I apologize for being a pain in ur ass, a thorn in ur side. A dark cloud over your head. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry for introducing you to a wonderful man that deserves so much more respect than you can handle. I sympathize with your desire to be with him.But He will not be controled by you, me or any woman. He is His own man and chooses his battles wisely. I also regret forgetting my self worth and letting your antics get to me.for that o applogize to Sir.I'm sorry that you can't deal with my unconditional love and desire to please Him in anyway.something's don't make me happy but I yolerate them because it pleases Him and that is all that counts. You told me once that you were going to make Him a great Dom.you are assisting and for that I am thankful. But He has always been great!! The Dom part honey, it's natural with Him. I knew the day I met Him, He was unique in His ways and that He will accomplish any goal He sets for Himself.I will assist Him and do His bidding until He decides to put me out of His life. Although I hope that never happens. But if it pleases Him I will walk away. My world would end. Because He is more than a toy or a play partner to me. He ia my life, without Him to serve I am nothing. You have called me all kinds of names all over the internet and even to my personal cell. Slandee.... thank Sir that I didn't press charges or have your pages removed. Thanks for all your help. Sincerely
whytechocolate aka Bonnie aka His black cock slut.

Ps don't think He dosent ride my ass or correct me when I am wrong. He knows my potential and pushes me toward that pptential.

Thank you Sir"

Oh...of course I forgot to mention that her writing skills are horrible.

Happiness...Overrated

I should have known that happiness doesn't last. During the summer, I had several months of peace which I could say I was happy. I had other parts of my life that were stressful but I was satisfied with how my submission was developing. I had found a man that I was comfortable with as a Dominate. I was also able to find a play partner.

Toward the middle of the summer, there was some rocky roads. Sir was busy with work but we chatted from time to time. I always attempted to keep him updated with what was going on with me.

With my play partner, things totally fell apart. We would smooth things over but things really didn't go back to what they were. As time continued, I began to loose trust. I continued to encourage him in his exploration of the lifestyle and other areas. However, in the end, nothing I did really mattered. He recently began to criticize all my actions. I second guessed him...at least that was his version. Now, I did nothing but play games, again his version.

The shame in the situation is he didn't take the time to even get to know me. He, as others have, missed the best part of me. He also told me tonight that I was basically not a good sub. We went to an event together and he was able to observe "good subs". The funniest part of the whole situation was WE WERE PLAY PARTNERS. He didn't OWN me. I choose to submit but it was only required in the bedroom.

The other funny part, I caught him in a lie. Of course, I forgot a conversation that never took place...his excuse.

Another Chapter Closed. Hopefully the future ones will be better.

The Weekend

As birthdays go, I must say this weekend was the best in a long time. I was able to attend 2 AIS sponsored events. Both fuctions were well organized and the other attendees were great. I meet some new friends and touched base with some old ones. I also realized that I have an interest in fire, can't wait to try.

Refreshed

I have had time to rest and reflect. Life sometimes throws unexpected curves which is what I have decided has happened to me. I was stressed, frustrated and maybe a little Overwhelmed. But now after several weeks of rest and isolation, I can think a clearer.

I have always placed a priority on my family especially my children. That has and never will change. I do believe that the person I choose to be my partner will hold an equal spot to my children. I feel I will be able to serve as well as care for that which is mine.

I did sneak some time in for some play. I'm finding ropes and clothes pins are so fun, either separately or together. Something else I'm realizing is I don't mind my tits and/or nipples being tortured. Rubber bands, rope and clothes pins or a combination of is mildly hurtful but not extremely painful.

I've had rubber bands around my tits that needed to be cut off because it hurt to try and untwist them. I had marks, some bruising, around my right tit for over a week. I've also had clothes pins on my tits under a tee shirt. This was a mild irration until they were removed. The removal was a little painful. I actually got comfortable several times but then I was requested to perform several household chores which created additional irritation.

My pussy does get wet but pentatration isn't always the result. Sometimes he only wants to play and torture. I think he is feeling things out, trying to determine limits on both sides.

On the oral side, I'm told my skills are improving. I have always had a really bad gag reflex which may give the impression that I don't like to perform oral sex. This isn't true but I don't want to puke which is my real phobia. I'm told that relaxation is the key. I think if I'm able to be taken to the point that I'm not thinking, I will truely be able to relax and perform to my fullest capabilities.

My journal continues. I think this is going to be a wild and wonderful ride.

Life is Exhausting

My life has been chaotic for the last several weeks. I don't only mean within the lifestyle, I mean LIFE.

I started this over a week ago when my life was totally out of control. I wasn't thinking well...just feeling overwhelmed with all parts of my life. My life is also compounded with the fact that I'm diagnosised with Bipolar. So at times of stress, my thoughts and feeling are magnified and extremely intense.

After having time to relax, I'm able to thinking is more focused. I have alleviated a major stressor, my job. I think part of the problem was the threat of wanting to out me to my employer but that was only minor. I had hit burn out and needed time to rest. The stress was affecting my health but now I'm rested and feeling better.

Frustration

I'm so tired of others starting drama in my life because they haven't enough in their own. Or should I say thier life is too pathetic that they must create drama in anothers.

Once again the threat had been made to contact my employer. For some reason, some who share this lifestyle blur the lines between personal and professional. As a professional, I'm permitted to have a personal life as long as it doesn't cross the line to illegal. I do believe that I'm an adult and permitted to explore my sexuality in any manner I see fit.

I'm at a lose as to possible resolutions for this problem. I'm impulsive and having a hard time not reacting negatively.

Day 3: Discovery

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

My discover was really unexpected and happened when I was a teenager. My knowledge of my discover was years ago. Reading this you will probably think I'm crazy which I can be but not on this point. I was naive and scared to explore. When I finally began my exploration, years later, the light bulb lite up...lol.

When I was a teenager, I loved to wrestle with the boys. I didn't understand what my body was telling me. I wasn't sexually experienced and really didn't have anyone to speak to about the subject. I was shy and afraid to venture out and find the needed answers. So I pushed those feelings down, buried them.

As my second marriage had failed, I became involved with a Dominant blk man. I didn't see his domination because I was independent, strong-willed and stubborn. Plus it wasn't a forceful domination. We would meet and he always insisted on my wearing a blindfold through out the time we were together. If I would need anything, he would get it or assist me. This included taking me to the restroom. I never really understood why he insisted on the blindfold until years later.

I met a partner who I felt comfortable with. We shared what we were interested in and I entered the swinger lifestyle. All around me was information about BDSM. I took an intest but never disclosed to anyone. I had secret desires to be dominated, to give control to someone else. The big mountain to climb was trusting someone enough. The into my life comes a man who states he was a Dominate.

Acually, he didn't state it. He convinced me to hook up with him and in a phone conversation after he left, we got on the topic of toy bags. He disclosed he had one and I knew. I ask and he confirmed. I thought this would be a great time to explore this lifestyle. The doors opened.

I really didn't get a lot of good information on the first try. I became frustrated because this "supposed" Dom would only tell me to research. He wanted me to enter this lifestyle on my own and with knowledge of what I was getting into.

Several months later, I again began researching. I realized I was using the wrong words to search. The flood gate opened and a weath of information flooded me. This time the right information. I found Fetlife and several other sites that helped provide what I needed to accept what I am...a submissive.

Since receiving this information, I have read books, followed blogs, met people, ask questions and observed D/s relationships in real life. I continue to do all those things. I have also met a Dominate that will assist me with the next level. This is a very exciting time.

Day 2: Kinks

Day 2: List your kinks.

I'm finding more and more kinks each day. Sir helps by assigning me tasks to complete which allows me to try things that I haven't and possibly fear to try.

I'm partial to the sensual side of the kink lifestyle. I like bondage (rope, rigging), candle wax, hair pulling, blindfolds, knives, violet wand, wartenburg pinwheels, biting and rough sex. I'm not impressed with paddles or canes.

Earlier this year, I was able to attend a Bottoms Buffet. The was for new and old, to experience or learn new skills. I was able to try several things. I'm looking forward to attending next years which is already in the planning stages.

Update on Stalker

It's just amazing to me how fascinating my life is to someone else.

Blogging began as a communication tool but now has turned into a way for me to process information and experiences. However, to my stalker, it provides her with something...don't know exactly what. I guess she believes it to be some type of fuel for the fire she wants to create. I can only think, she must be finding it kinda of boring because she adds her own twist and delusions when telling about what is happening in my life.

When I posted about my stalker on Fetlife, she responded. To me, she just showed what an ass she is just as I said she would. She is a terrible writer. She doesn't correct spelling, capitalize at the beginning of sentences or edit her work in any way. She throws in her delusional version of the "truth" expecting everyone to believe. Update for her..."YOU LIE". Those that are important know the truth and "YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT".

I think if she would focus on her own life and "supposed" submissiveness, she may improve herself. But she would rather talk about everyone and lurk around pretending to be innocent.

She has become very creative in the last week. She has created an email account from some site using my ID (sensualfreak). She emailed herself from the "fake" email information that she obtained from a person that made a late night visit, claiming it to be from me. However, I was involved in play or sound a sleep from the play...either way, it wasn't me...BUSTED.

Since that didn't work, she is now stating something that isn't true. She even attempted to state I told her. But the last time I attempted to contact her months ago to confront, she ran to my play partner crying but failing to respond to me. She is attempting to state I'm talking about an involvement when I'm not. I think she is doing one of 2 things. She is attempting to verify the involvement or she is attempting to intimidate me so I don't attend an event that she wants too. NEWS FLASH: I'M GOING.

I wonder what she will come up with next. She appears to be desperate.

I will continue to maintain my focus on me, my family, Sir and any other involvement I choose.

Day 1: Who am I?

I saw another blogger doing 30 days of kink ( Bottoms up - http://dulcib.blogspot.com). It looked interesting so I have decided also to try. I thought it would be an excellent tool for examining my status in the lifestyle. This is just another way for me to learn more about me and my submission.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I have thought long and hard about how to identify within this lifestyle. I have determined that I am a sub. I thought it would be hard to explain but it really isn't. I want to take care of someone, to serve. I'm good at providing options and seeing things that someone else may not see. Sometimes an individual isn't able to look outside of the situation, that is where discussing possible options is important.

Since the Dominate is in control, the decision maker, its necessary to provide all avaible options. This is important so that the Dominate is able to make the best possible educated decision for all concerned.

I see my role as protector. I'm to safe guard the Dominate's interest and reputation. If he is going to make a choice that will adversely affect him, its my duty to provide different options that will be of benefit.

There are so many things that has drawn my interest into BDSM. I like the idea of a D/s relationship which provides for respect, communication and power exchange. I have been the one to make all the decisions for myself and my children. Not all decisions were good or beneficial and some were made due to situations beyond my control. Within a D/s relationship, there would be a discussion and someone else would be making the final decision.

When looking at the physical side of BDSM, I'm still exploring. I like all regular stuff like hair pulling and ass smacking. But I'm also finding I like candle wax, rope and clothes pins. I'm working on fisting but I'm time and stretching takes time...lol. I'm not impressed with canes or paddling, tried those at a Bottom's Buffet.

Great Weekend

I had a very relaxing weekend. Now let me state, my weekends begin at 8:30 am on Thursdays. The morning after working a 9 hour shift was filled with medical appointments. But then I got a very unexpected phone call.

I originally had a weekend full of kink planned but didn't think there would be any play involved. I was going to a munch on Thursday, Fetish night at a local swing club and another munch on Saturday. Well the unexpected phone call, changed my plans slightly.

We had planned to attend Fetish Friday but my car needed some emerengcy attention. But we did choose to play at home.

Sir gave me another task which was to use the clothes pins on my pussy this time. I informed my friend of the request so clothes pins was the tool of the night. Prior to my shower, I was teased. I thought we were going to play but it was only a tease of what was to come.

Clothes pins were placed on my pussy lips and clit. Friend decided to use my dildo on me. I was being brought to orgasm and he stopped. He removed all the clothes pins but the one on the clit. I was told not to remove it until I went to the shower. I was also told to gather what we were to take with us for the evening with the clothes pin still on my clit. When I started to voice this unjustice, he only smiled and stated he was learning. Control was the issue and he was attempting to prove he was in control.

The removal of the clothes pins caused a little discomfort. Moving with the clothes pin on my clit provided some misery so I moved as little as possible but gathered everything up. When the clit clothes pin was pulled off, I winced and rolled over cause it had hurt. I could only hear his laughter.

Later when play was able to resume, the clothes pins were applied. However they weren't first. My hands was tied together with one of his ties. Rubber bands were placed on my tits. I was told to get on all fours and the clothes pins were again placed on my pussy lips and clit. My medium butt plug was inserted. All these sinsations. I could feel my pussy was wet. It felt like it was leaking out. He then decided to fuck me. He grabbed my hair and pulled back with every thrusted. I was in heaven. I thought to my self this is exactly what I needed after a long week at work, stress relief.

It didn't stop there. I was instructed to lay on my back, he grabbed on to my tender, purple breast and squeezed. The rubber bands rolled off when allowed some relief. But him fucking me caused the clothes pins to pull which again created some discomfort.

He continued his assault by wanting me to squirt. He began to use his fingers. I could feel it building. I then relaxed and enjoyed the feeling. I was squirting again.

I didn't get to subspace but was brought out of my trance with his statement "you shit". I ask with the plug in, he said "no, it came out". This wasn't the ending I wanted but I knew play was over because we needed to clean up.

I'm amazed and horrified that I made such a mess. However, this wasn't the first time. I didn't even feel the plug being expelled. I think we will begin to explore the use enimas. I really don't like the mess plus it ends the scene when more is still to come. I will plan better next time.

Task

Sir has assigned me several tasks and I have completed some or have made attempts. There are a couple that I'm having trouble with so I thought I would write about them. I might even get some feedback.

First some background information. We are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR). We actually been talking for almost a year. Sir has invited me to come and visit him. However, due to family responsibilities, I have been unable too. He is very understanding and knows the value and importance of family. Also, we are an interracial polyamory couple.

Sir has a desire to expand his household. In the beginning, Sir would request that I contact potential subs or slaves. I would then provide him with feedback and an opinion on the potential. He also requested I look for others that may fit in with his household. I was to provide him with the name of the female that I was contacting, incase they would follow up with him. Through the process, I gained several friends who I hope to meet one day.

A recent task which I really have no idea what to do is Sir has requested that I go to a titty bar and pick up another female. I'm then to have sex with this individual. I list myself as bicurious and actually believe I an bi, I just have had enough interaction with a female to make that determination. So have sex with another woman isn't an issue. It's the picking them up.

I haven't said anything to Sir or ask for any guidance. I guess I'm just a little insecure with approaching others, let alone a female that I wish to become involved with even for a night. This has been heavy on my mind and I haven't figured out a way to approach.

I'm thinking of asking Sir instead of a titty bar could it be a swing club. There is a fetish night at our local swing club. Eventhough, I'm insecure I think I would be received better with other like minded individuals than in a vanilla bar. I still need to figure out how to approach.

Reflecting

I had a lot of time to think about what is important and what should be a priority this morning. I mentioned my grandson in a blog several weeks ago. Well, we received another call informing of the possibility of the needed organs. So off to the hospital we went to see if the organs would be viable and my baby would receive what was needed so he could eat.

The phrase I like that most is which describes my feelings is "friends are the family we choose". I place importance on my family, my children and Sir. Those are not the only ones but they top my list.

Anyways, the nonsense with all those others that want to start drama, is forgotten. My goals are my children and grandchildren, and the tasks that Sir gives me. And since I'm in a LDR, the distance and time allows me to get to know and trust Sir. It also allows him the same with me.

Well that was on my very exhausted mind and I thought it needed to be said. Oh, one organ was not viable so the surgery didn't occur. So we will have more days of rushing to wait but hopefully won't continue to be disappointing.

Ranting

Ok...I need to apologize a head of time. My next couple of post will be be ranting at my stalker. I have to let my frustrations out so I can move on with my agenda.

I can tell everyone that I really don't like conversations that contain "your childish" or "your behaving like a child". Its usually the individual making the statement who isn't getting their way and they are attempting to place themselves above me. The only thing I have to say is...I've done my duty. I've raised my children. I continue to make family a priority. I make the man I'm involved with a priority. If I have a problem, I address it with the person that the problem exists with. I don't go sneaking around telling different people different things. I don't lie, don't have a need too. I own my problems and take responsiblity for my actions. I don't believe any of those things say "childish".

Can I be child like? Possible! I like to be playful. I like to joke and have a good time. I still don't think any of that is "childish". Also some seem to think my writing is displaying my every action on the internet. That is so untrue. There is so much more to me then what is in black and white. Plus some individuals want to put their own spin on what my words mean and use them against me. As stated in a comment, I should ignore them or block them. I have tried.

To my stalker; Bonnie aka whytechocolate...if your life is so miserable that you must cyber stock me, I will release all blocks. You really should be more woman to address your delusional ideas with me. You should stop recruiting your friends as spyies. The bottom line is you can't compete with me on any level. So talk your shit and show everyone what an ass you are. I don't need to go searching for you to bitch at anyone...I have other priorities.

Also, I have proven time again what type of person I am. I'm loyal to my true friends. I sincerely care for those I'm involved with. This may be shocking but I don't need or want a man hovering over me every minute. At times, I would love to have a special someone standing by me in a time of crisis but to date I haven't found a man to step up to that level. This is also why I choose to be in a LDR. I have very good friends that I consider to be family that will get me through any crisis.

I want to thank everyone for your patience. I believe I can now get on with my life and the exploration of this wonderful lifestyle.

Ramblings

I'm a strong willed female that absolutely hates to show any type of weakness. Thats why I think I fought my submissive side for so long. Even in recent days, I have fought against it. Only now I don't see it as a weakness, its more of a desire that emerges.

Most of the relationships that I have been involved with have appeared one way. I give and nothing ever appears to be given back. This has created walls and attitudes with which those attempting to start something face as a challenge.

Another issue for me is I fall into a pattern where I become comfortable and don't want to move. I will express my displeasure but I'm typically ignored which causes so much upset on both sides. Eventurally, I do move and for some reason its not accepted. Its expected for me to always remain but I do learn and grow.

Well, I have felt stuck. After the stresses of work, I'm tired of dealing with people. I make plans to attend events and munches but never really make it past go. I get home and just don't feel like meeting the challenges of interacting with others. This is something I need to change. I'm going to make more of an effort to attend things especially with educational demos.

Hopefully, I will be writing more about my learning, interacting at events and experiences. I'm tired of hiding from those who wish to only start drama because they are truely empty in all aspects of life.

Thank You

This is my 100th post. I'm simply amazed at my numbers. I never expected to have 26 people following me. Or to have my page viewed as often as it is.

I have found that writing allows me to process what is going on and release some of the feelings that I usually hold in. I never expected to share it, I even hide it in the beginning. But thanks to everyone that has wrote a comment which have been so supportive. You really don't know how it helps.

I want to send a Big, Big Thank You to everyone that has taken the time to read.

Weekend

I received a call that I never really expected. I hurried to take a shower and gather a few things for a night of play. MMMMM....Sir was right, I needed to get fucked. I will happily report to him shortly that I had been well fucked. I also have a couple of pics to send him which should make him happy.

When I was gathering things, I was sure to include the clothes pins. I wanted to see how they felt while I was getting fucked...oh so good. I believe I will develop a liking for a little more pain than I ever realized. By the time I was wore out, my nipples were sore and my legs were shakey. I laid in the bed and felt them quivering. That is always a good indictation.

My ride home was hot but I could still feel the soreness of my nipple. I could still smell him. I was tired so I just tried to relax that day and went to bed early, at least for me. However, when I woke the next morning, I was sore all over. I could barely get out of bed. My back was stiff and both nipples had soreness. I also had a head from hell, probably due to no sleep. I readily admitted I was old or at least felt that way.

After some needed rest, Tylenol, pain pills and a muscle relaxer; I was able to continue with my plans of cleaning the pool and laying out. The sun helped to provide me with strength. It renewed my energy and relieved me of my depression for at least a day. I was in peace. I hope it lasts for a while.

Stalkers

Well, this site has been found by my stakers. As usual, my words are taking out of context. However, they will not stop me from expressing my feelings. What I write here is not about anyone else. Its about me, my thoughts and feelings.

I know how it was found. After reading some supportive comments, I decided to post my site on Fetlife. I wanted to stop hiding my feelings so I opened it up. I can't change those who are stalking me and I won't sensor my blogs either.

Keep reading. I had a great weekend and will be writing about it later today or tonight.

Clothes pins and rubber bands

I have attempted the task at hand. However, I think I will need to attempt again due to not achieving the dired results for Sir. Sir wants them to change colors and to see them bruising.

I tried the rubber bands once before. My one breast started changing colors a little but not like I think Sir wanted them too. He then ask me to add the clothes pins. The trouble that I'm having is the rubber bands want to roll off. The clothes pins helped to keep the band in place but didn't cause any bruising.

The problem may also be once I begin to feel a little discomfort. I stop the task. The clothes pins didn't hurt in the beginning as I thought they would. But the combination after about 5 minutes, began uncomfortable. It was a minor annoyance, not painful. I have a high pain tolerance.

I will attempt this task again. Only I will try to get the rubber bands tighter and add more clothes pins.

I did try putting a clothes pin on one of my nipples while masturbating and was simply amazed at the organism. I think I had my first taste of pain and pleasure. Next time I will attempt a clothes pin on both nipples.

This task doesn't seem as scary now that I have attempted it once.

Another Task

Well, I've been given another task and I'm really not wanting to do it. My last one was putting rubber bands around my breast and having them change colors. He actually wanted them blue but due to time, they didn't go all the way blue. Ok, now Sir wants me to put the rubber bands around my breast and put clothes pins on them. Sir wants to see them bruised. All this sounds very painful and I'm not really into inducing self pain.

Just an update, I'm feeling more like myself. I'm still a little depressed but I'm not having those overwhelming doubts that I was having last week. I'm able to think and rationalize. I feel I can see more clearly now. To much hit me at once.

I think I'm going to speak with Sir about helping me exercising and eating better. I want to loose weight but I'm not motivated at this time. Maybe if I can get into a schedule and have some accountability, I will be able to achieve my goals. I'm going to email him before I punk out.

Subdrop without play

Oh, I have crashed. The stress of Saturday, possible health issue, ending a relationship, starting my period and being Bipolar with mild depression which feels like it is escalating probably is really close to what subdrop is like. I wish I would have had some play, it might have actually been a release to some of the overwhelming feelings. Then there would have been aftercare. With what I'm going through, there is no aftercare.

What I would like is to have someone other than my close friends to be there to hold my hand when I'm in crisis. However, I have not found that yet. I was hoping for some support from my ex-play partner since he is closer than Sir but that didn't hold true which is the ending of the relationship. If I can be there for him and he not for me, what good is he to me. Too bad he didn't understand. Too bad he was unable to think of anyone else but himself. I see ending it as good because I can use the energy spent on him to attempt to refocus on me and my family.

I also considered isolating from Sir but chose not too. He isn't close to provide the hand holding but he has helped me in the short time that we have been connected to one another. I just have a hard time not being impulsive when things around me seem so out of control.

No longer have the accomplished feeling

Well, work has taken over my life in the last few weeks. I changed my schedule so that I would have weekends off. I wanted to attend some BDSM events. Well that hasn't happened yet due to being sick or family priorities.

Actually, I planned to clean this weekend and do some reading both here and on Fetlife. But again, family priorities arose. Only a few in the kink world know about my grandson. He is 2 1/2 years old and is 1st on the transplant for multiple organs. On 8/17, he will be on the list for 2 years. This past Saturday, we received the call that possible organs might be available and we needed to be on stand-by. Stand-by ended up being 9 torturous hours to only find out that the organs went to another baby.

I need to be available for my child has prevented me from meeting Sir. I was upfront about by priorities to my family and Sir has been extremely understanding. We haven't planned to meet because I'm unable to leave and I can't guarntee to be available if he would visit. So the wait continues on several levels.

Accomplished

I'm working on several task but Sir did need to remind me. I just haven't been myself but I think I have attempted to move forward last week. I think my new work schedule is kicking my ass. Once I get into a flow, things will be better.

I am excited. I hope in October to take care of something on my bucket list while learning more about BDSM and my limits. Sir has given me permission to attend Kinky Kollege 2011 in Chicago. I have always wanted to visit Chicago and now will have the chance. I can't wait.

What a Week

I'm so glad this week is coming to an end. Because Sir is busy with his work, we haven't chatted in almost 2 weeks. He did surprise me by posting He missed me on my Fetlife wall which put a smile on my face. He also attempted to contact me on IM but I was sleeping at the time. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to chat with him a little more.

Then my play partner is being an ass. Of course, I figured things would be rough this week. He told his "supposed" sub that he was attending an event with me and as I predicted, she has been causing problems.

I guess the primary reason I've been upset with him is because of his actions. I really don't think expecting a phone call is too much. Then he continually compares me to the bitch. I'm nothing like her. She yells and makes statements with no foundation. I would even say she has developed some delusions. And if I have a problem with her, I attempt to address it with her. When she has a problem, she runs to him and screams like he can really do anything to me.

I guess my frustration is we don't have a D/s relationship. We have stated it is strictly sexual. However, I have attempted to look out for him. He is naturally agressive and an alpha male but wants to go further to become a Dominate and then Master. He wants to build skills for play. He has come to the realization that he is a sadist and enjoys dishing out his fair share of pain and torture. He wants to learn to do it the right way, to inflict pain without damaging. I'm trying to show him the avenues to find the information so he can achieve his goal.

My real frustration comes when this "supposed" sub tells him something. She comes up with protocols but doesn't follow any herself. She states to everyone that she is his sub but doesn't act like one. She doesn't look out for him, his needs or wants. She is jealous and out of control. And when she is upset, I'm brought into the conversation. She is sneaky. I have blocked her from my page for a reason and she finds others to view my page and report back to her just so she can bitch about what he is doing with me. She doesn't see her behaviors are affecting her relationship.

Well, even with all my frustrations concerning my play partner, I chose to continue with the weekend. However, we were unable to attend the rope class or champagne room. I was extremely disappointed because I had so looked for to it for several months. But I finally realized that I no longer had the attention of my play partner. He wasn't in the least interested in having sex. I had to ask to be fucked which was very short. Neither of us were really satisfied.

I ask what happened to our sex life. It was so great the first 2 months, then about 6 weeks ago something happened and I really don't understand. I told him I would not return until he ask and again showed some interest. He stated he was distracted and had a lot going on. But today the truth finally came out. He accused me of lying and stated I acted just like his "supposed" sub.
Yes, I had been giving him attitude but it wasn't due to what she was doing but due to his behaviors. There was a change in our relationship. Instead of him being honest with what was wrong, he wanted to attempt to correct my attitude. What he failed to realize is we weren't in a D/s relationship, he kept saying we were just sexual. Even that wasn't even true.

But, oh well, on to the next chapter. I so need a play partner. Sir told me to go get fucked. He thinks that will help me over all which it probably will...time will tell

Love this Post

This was posted in a Fetlife group.

"Submission is not about sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty.

Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman.. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.

Submission is about sensuality. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring and honesty. It is about being graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within.

Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person but just the opposite. She is strong. Shis is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love and trust.

Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the Dominant is there to catch her if she falters. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman."

I love reading things that touch the soul. It gives me hope that I will too have what is spoken about.

Rebellion

I believe I just figured something out. Its something that I have always probably known, just didn't want to admit. I rebell when I am fearful or anxious, sometimes overwhelmed. Sometimes I just don't want to admit, express or inform that I have these feelings. I don't like to appear to be weak.

Well now that I have acknowledged it. I can learn to accept and work around.

Quotes

I follow several blogs here on blogger. A Dautless Journey posted 2 quotes that I find very profound. The first is “The difference between a truly dominant man and a controlling one is that the dominant man needs and wants consent, whereas the controlling man doesn’t even understand what this word means.” by Sir J

I think this is a quote that all newbies and novice should see. I have often read threads on Fetlife asking about how to search for a Dominant. As most know the controlling isn't really a good Dominant. They just want control and their own demands and needs meet. They care very little about submission or the person giving. They are just concerned with control.

This quote describes Sir. When I expected him just to do something like post or share pics that I have sent, he didn't. As for posting, he ask if he could post to his page even though he requested and I freely provided with the expectation that he would post. I was impressed that he ask for consent before even considering.

During another conversation, I had shared some pics. We then discussed the possible involvement of one of his friends. I ask if he would going to share my pics and he stated only if I wanted him too. Again this took me by surprise. I had conversations with another who shared and didn't even think to mention that he intended to do so.

These were just a couple of instances that helped me to decide that Sir was in fact a good Dominant and the one that I wanted to learn from. He didn't demand or force. He chatted with me to learn more. He assisted in dissolving my anger and trust issues. He listens when I have concerns and doesn't make harsh judgements. Our relationship is LDR but I know I will be comfortable with him and trust that he will see to my safety.

The second quote posted is "Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self." — William Henkin. This to me speaks volumes for the essence and heart of a true D/s relationship.

Mistakes

I think I probably made a mistake today. I posted a thread on Fetlife that was really taken the wrong way by some but after reading some of the responses I could have done things differently.

I wrote about my play partner and the female he is involved with. I wanted some ideas on how to approach her because he wants us to be friends. However, it turned out differently. I wrote about behaviors that I felt needed to be changed and weren't sub like. I attempted to stay neutral but wasn't. I was probably a lot angry when I wrote it because there has been this back and forth since she found out we were friends on Fetlife.

She posted a thread asking "Am II wrong" but didn't list the behaviors for anyone to determine if she was wrong. I was felt she insulted me in that thread because she made mention of my professionalism within my career field which has nothing to do with this lifestyle.

I have always been the type to see a problem and attempt to provide options with which to fix the said problem. That is after all what I'm trained to do. But I now realize this isn't something that I can fix.

I have told my play partner that she and I will not be friends. I'm not even going to make an effort for several reasons. The primary reason is because she really doesn't mean what she says. I requested a public apoligize and she placed conditions on if she would or not. That tells me she isn't really wouldn't mean it, she would just be saying it to appease another.

Up until this point, I had remained quiet and I really don't know why I let the situation take me to the point that I posted the thread. I do want to apologize to SirBlock for posting about his interactions with another. I also want to apologize to Sir because I failed him by being impulsive and allowing my anger to get the best of me.

Love

This is a topic that crosses my mind often. I've thought that its an over-rated emotion. But the other day when I was driving home from my play partner, I put it in a more realistic view. Something that I can accept, I should say.

There are many levels of love. At first, I always thought there could only be two: that for family and that for a partner. However, I don't believe that love is that simple. Even within the context of family, there are several levels.

When your talking the love for family, you have that for your child(ren) which to most individuals is an extremely strong bond to break or release. For me that same love extents to my grandchildren. Then you have that for your parents and finally all other family members. Of course, individuals can cross boundaries depending on circumstances. In my opinion, this particular love is innate and natural.

Now, when it comes to other people, one has to look at several things. Sometimes you can look and have extremely strong feelings which some confuse for love but its probably more attraction. The deep and everlasting takes time to develop with honesty and respect. This is a healthy and can substain most difficulties that may occur through the years.

This line of thinking makes me analogizes my own feelings and the relationships. In the past, I have thought that I loved several men but it wasn't anything more than an illusion. Dishonesty and the lack of respect only promoted distrust which resulted in the destruction of the relationship. This produced hurt feelings and anger. Walls built so that others will be blocked from the healthy interaction which is needed for growth of the individual.

However, in the last several years since those dysfunctional relationships, I have been able to find men that have shown me honesty and respect can be apart of a relationship. This promotes trust and positive feelings which are allowed to flourish and spand the test of time. These individuals may not be the person that you are to spend you life with but they help you to focus on positive productive feelings, not the negative which destroy.

I can honestily say I levels of love for 3 men at this point in my life. The first being my Dominate. He has been patient, honest and willing to listen which helps the past feelings of hurt and anger to dissolve and positive feeling of respect and love to grow. The second being my current play partner. As with Sir, I'm able to tell him anything and he feels the same with me. This elevates surprise of a misunderingstanding arising. I feel safe to ask questions and to tell my feelings. I think this makes me for accepting of guidance from Sir and expoloration with my play partner. When I'm upset about something, I'm able to express myself more appropriately with both individuals. This allows for clarity of expectations on all sides.

There is a third man that I have a level of love for. He was the first to help me dissolve those negative, destructive feelings. He has been patient, supportive and encouraging during the last several years. He has assisted me more than he will ever know. He has helped to open the doors to my healthy relationships with Sir and my play partner.

With all 3 of these individuals, I don't know what the long term plans or involvements will be. But I do know I will always have love for them and will always remain friends. I will be able to depend on them for support when needed.

I do hope I get out of this mood soon. I sound so mushy...lol.

Summer progress

I’m so happy for the decisions that I have made to date. I chose a very good man for my first real Dominant. Sir is realistic and respectful. Sir understands that we are miles away and I have needs. As long are I respect the limits he has established and carry myself well, Sir doesn’t have a problem. When something is forgotten, Sir isn’t overly critical and understands things happen but reminds me not to let it happen again.

As for S, my play partner, things are going great in this area. We haven’t been able to get together as much but we have a very open line of communication. He feels he can speak with me about anything. However, one day his typical topics were on my last nerve which caused me to hang up on him. I was tired and moody. He didn’t think anything about it and the next day things continued as before.

Sir has made several requests that I’m attempting to accomplish. One will be completed on Monday and that is my tattoo, a black spade on my left breast. Sir has also ask that I be fisted by S. S has been working on this the last few times we have been together. He was able to get almost his whole hand in. It was a little painful but I probably could take more. I keep wimping out. I’m sure when it comes to Sir, he will push my limits and not let me wimp out. The new task which was added is orgasm control. I have my doubts about accomplishing this one but Sir seems confident that I will do fine.

S wants to learn to be a Dominant and has some qualities that give him the potential to be a very good Dominant. He is lacking some skills, mostly physical. I think I can help him in this area. We can attend some educational demos, I can feel the sensation and he can learn a skill.

Tonight we discussed Old Guard. I think he will find this philosophy interesting and he is planning to read up on the topic. I will also direct him to read and follow some blogs and possibly write his own.

Going Good

I'm amazed at how relaxed and stress free life can actual be when communication is open and honest. I'm so happy that I choose Sir. He is easy to speak with and I feel he somewhat understands me.

I meet with S this past weekend. I had thought about going to a BDSM social event but decided to go meet S. He stated he wanted pussy and I thought "wow...I want dick" so I told him I was coming. Oh he makes me cum like no other ever has. I have even squirted twice with him. As a play partner, he is great. Only I'm beginning to suspect that he may want more. We agreed that neither would fall in love because we just don't believe in it. The funny thing is we talk multiple times a day and he tells me everything.

M cancelled on me. He wanted to reschedule but I was busy. I haven't heard from him since. Nothing gained, nothing lossed is how I look at it. E is another that has wanted to spend time with me and continues to contact every once in a while but I don't believe he is serious. If it happens ok, if it doesn't, again its ok.

My next big event to attend is in July. Its the all day rope class. I don't want to go to the party in the evening alone so I probably will only go to the daytime events.

Right now everything seem a little boring. I really don't have much to write about.

Becoming

Oh no...I think I'm becoming a mushy sub. Being all nice and compliant which normally isn't me. But I really don't have a reason to complain at this point.

I chatted with Sir most of Monday which was great. We chat about everything. He has also given me permission to meet 2 guys. I explained that they would need to contact him and neither had a problem. I have chatted with both in the last couple of days and I'm impressed with both. One is a bedroom Dom and the other has actually owned a couple. So this summer looks to be interesting.

Also I told Sir about an event that I thought I might like to attend, he stated I should go. So I will be going. Its an all day rope class then the room will be turned into a champagne room. Sir even thought it sounded fun.

I've invited Sir to come to Ohio for an event in September. He is considering it.

Bad Day

Today was a bad day in general. I think part of the reason was the lack of sleep. I worked last night but got up earlier afternoon around 1:30. Work was steady. I went an x-rays done of my shoulder. I did receive a phone call from the nurse stating nothing was wrong. So I continue to have pain in the shoulder and arm. Then on to my daughter's to play with Gabe before going to his doctor appointment. Everything seemed fine until right before I got to my daughter's home.

I check IM and saw Sir was online. I had been so worried that something was wrong. Last weekend, he told me he had been hospitalized from a cut that got infected. However, that wasn't the reason for the 5 days of no contact. Sir stated he went to the Nascar races. Sir stated it was spur of the minute and he was sorry. Well, my emotions took over. I told him I was pissed and why. I had no response at that moment.

Well, I was playing with Gabe when another popped up on IM. It was a dude that stated he was going to be in town and wanted to hook up. I ask what happened to him contacting me. He stated since I worked weekends, he didn't think I would be available. I informed him that I was off and would have been available on Saturday. Anyways the conversation went to the women of the area. I stated some fuck everything and anything. He placed me in the category since I was willing to meet him and fuck. Well, that was it, I was done. I was already upset and being placed in the same category as the women that had made my life hell because I chose to have my needs satisfied was all I could take. This was all based on that I liked to fuck even though I'm very choosy.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have great respect for some women who like to fuck and do it so freely but I wasn't talking about them. I was talking about the unethical, conniving, drama bitchs that exist in most of my state but that is a story in its self.

I finally told him we could be friends but I wouldn't fuck him since he placed me in that category. Of course he back stepped and stated he didn't put me in the same class. Ok, I'm not liking people at this point.

I had one other thing that I felt I needed to address and that was who I sent my pics too from Friday night. I text subbie girl and ask. What prompted me to do this was I found the profile of an individual that I sent them too. Things fell into place.

Subbie girl had stated her internet was down and would provide with email address to send pics too. I thought that they were her's and her dude's but that was wrong. After sending, I got a response from one. If they would have been friends in the area probably would have made a difference but they weren't. So now I have pics circulating that may reach those I had so carefully attempted to hide myself away from. Of course, subbie girl's solution is to tell them to delete my pics...yeah...right!

And the final was Gabe's re-admission to the hospital. During this time, his ileostomy bag explored and I was soaked with 60 ml of his waste. It wasn't Gabe's fault and he wasn't feeling good. He hadn't been hospitalized since Febuary so we knew it would be soon. I just wanted him to wait until next week so he could participate in the Easter egg hunt.

Well I haven't spoke much about my family but that was apart of my day. I will give you some background. Gabryle was born in November of 2008. He was approximately 8 weeks premature. His lungs and heart were ok but something was wrong with his bladder. He was transferred to Children's Hospital's NICU where he stayed for 6 monthes. He actually didn't get released until he was 9 1/2 months old. He is currently 2nd on the transplant list for his colon, liver, stomach, small intestine and pancrease. He is hospitalized every couple of months due to infections and this happens to be one of those times. This happens to be my major stressor and hardly anyone knows.

I wasn't able to get home before 6 pm and didn't get into bed until 7 pm. The only lucky thing was I called work and told them I was going to be late so that gave me another hour to sleep. I'm hoping to avoid any entanglements because I need a day to de-stress.

I was able to chat with Sir during the afternoon and resolve things. He stated it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I was really asking for much, just a short note or phone message stating he was going to be away and wouldn't be contacting me instead of letting me worry.

Sorry for the rant but I so needed it.

Concerns

Things are nagging me. I don't know why really. I guess because I have been drawn into drama and have fought to avoid it.

What's nagging me is this subbie's relationship to all those drama individuals? I have disassociated myself and even blocked them from my pages in an attempt to ensure my privacy. Most I have refused to even get to know due to the connection.

I was under the impression that this subbie had separated herself but when she has continued to communicate with the one we had in common. Then there were a couple of others that have direct involvement with the drama crowd. I'm wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Will she provide information that I wish to keep private?

The funny thing is I wrote her about 6 weeks ago and was prepared to delete her. I suspected that she was in contact with B which was why she didn't respond to me. I found out I was right, she even admitted to meeting him when he was in Ohio one time. She has even stated he will text her. She believes she has the upper hand with him because he owes her money when she doesn't. If he speaks to her in an authoritative voice, her sub instincts will kick in and she will do what she is told.

I don't know what to do. My gut says to pull away. I get the feeling she is all about games and I really don't need that at this time. Time will tell.

Great Weekend

My weekend was so wonderful and I had actually been thinking of cancealling. I'm so glad that I didn't. I took off Friday and Saturday night off from work. I needed to relax and enjoy time with people outside of my work.

Ok...Friday started with me meeting another couple for a three sume, FMF. I had been apart of one in the past but didn't have the experience that I wanted. This was somewhat the same. I'm looking for a fully interactive FMF. The first female wasn't bisexual at all. The one this week is bi-curious. Both of us were hesitant and wasn't really familar with what to do or when to do it. I think to cure this issue, I will need to seek out a female that is bi or lesbian to experient and explore with.

A side from the hesitancy, it was great. The male is very good at what he does. His desire is to make the female get off multiple times ignoring his own need for release. From our conversation, he gains pleasure in watching the female achieve new hights.

To be honest, this was the first time in 10 months that I have allowed myself to give into my own desires and needs of another male. I was ask why I waited so long. I explained that I was angry and hurt. I needed to take time to heal and not have all the drama that the prior relationships offered.

Of course there is talk of me returning but the talk is confusing. I ask to borrow the male from time to time. She thought I meant one on one but I was really only speaking about a booty call and I fully expected her to be present. She stated she ask him and then informed me that would be violating a rule. She stated they have a rule that they do not become with the individuals that the other knows. However, she has become involved with several that he has brought home to her. One such individual was his boss. If that rule truely existed, then she would not have another involvements while he isn't present. Oh, well I was hoping for some honesty but I should have known better. She still maintains a relationship with B and even admitted to meeting him since the blow up in October. I guess I will need to really evaluate my need to continue with this relationship because they are interested in me returning.

I believe at one point she was upset because she was ask to satisify the male that was fetched to take pictures. She spoke all evening about being involved with the others that S had brought home to her but didn't want to separate from S that night. He had to tell her to take care of his friend. M, the photographer, actually wanted to sample me and couldn't understand why I was off limits. I had been given permission to play with S so all other males were off limits.

I had a great night of sex which was what I so badly needed. My mood has been so much better. Its amazing how some dick can chase some blues away...lol.

As for Saturday, I had bought a ticket for an event in Columbus, Bottoms Buffet. This was set up to allow new and novice bottoms try didn't things. It was also for new tops to learn a possible skill. I found a lot of couples there with the bottom exploring new sensations and their tops learning so that their play may expand.

All the demostrators were great. They took the time to explain their craft and see if you had any questions. They would then allow you to experience their craft. Since I was new and hadn't experience a lot of sensations, they were very kind and accomadating, always asking and making sure I was ok. They also answered any questions that might be presented.

I was nervous and even considered not going. But then I thought, I already bought the ticket and received permission from Sir to attend. He would be expecting some kind of report so I couldn't disappoint him. I'm so glad I went.

I was able to experience canes, spanking, electric and suspension. There was actually 2 types of suspension, I tried rigging. I also got a massage. I almost forgot baskin robbins which was different household items being used for the sensual side of BDSM. I can say I don't appreciate canes or spanking but absolutely love the other things.

The community here in Ohio is great. They are supportive and provide encouragement. The are open to answer questions and help others that are in need and not just when having trouble in the lifestyle. They also are supportive when a crisis arises in areas outside of the lifestyle. It was nice going to an event and knowing some of the people there. I haven't had a chance to go to as many munches or events because of my work schedule and major car repairs. I hope I'm able to change that this year.

I could have went back to the club for evening activities but decided against. I was too tired and just wanted to relax at home. I got home about 6:15 and by 8 I was heading toward bed. My body had began to stiffin from the night before's and the day's activities. I took some medication and went to bed. I woke fully stiff, finding it hard to move. So I continued with the medication and rest for the day. But I would not have traded the weekend for anything.

I have meet a new sub in my area. We are planning to attend a munch like event that is held at a local pool hall. She has never went to anything or been able to get out and meet people. I believe she is so exicted. I know I am.

Of course there will be more to come in the future. I believe my next level is going to be in full swing very shortly.

Blossoming

Over the last few days I have come to realize that I'm on the road to reaching my true submissive nature. Its being nurtured by a man who knows just what needs to be done to bring the submissive potential out. Sir doesn't even have to be face to face or in the same state but is able to encourage and bring the true spirit to light.

For a long time, I have not trusted men. I really haven't had an appreciation for them either. The ones that have been in relationships with me have been dishonest and disrespectful. However, I have put them and their drama cronies behind me. I have developed friendship with men that are honest and respectful. This allows me for the first time to truely trust and allow my nature to evolve. This is such a postive feeling. This helps to melt all the angry away that has developed over the years of having those negative within my life.

With the trust developing, I'm able to open up to Sir. I'm able express my needs, wants and displeasures in an appropriate manner. Sir doesn't critize me for my expression but listens and attempts to correct. Sir also gives me tasks and shows that he is beginning to trust me and that I have value to him.

I'm thankful for Sir emailing me that first time and having the patience to help me work threw issues that were preventing my development. I can't wait to meet him and for the training to beginning.

Sir has given me permission to attend a Bottoms Buffet event. Its an event where bottoms may try different things by experienced individuals. I ask him what he would like to try and I believe I'm free to try all. Sir has also given permission to participate in some BDSM play with another Dominate who aided me with my first experiences with different sensations. Sir has given permission for me to be suspended which I patiently await for that time.

Of course, I will be writing a blog all about the event and the sensations that I experience. Thank you Sir for your permission.

Simply Amazed

I have a long drive to and from work so this leaves me a lot of time to think about several different topics. Today, I was thinking about past relationships and current who I'm interacting. The comparison leads my thinking to the negative and positive impact on me and my development as a submissive.

When I first began to explore this life, I really wasn't encouraged. I was told to believe there was a difference but the core of the lifestyle really didn't exist. There was deception and hidden agendas. There was no guidance, no teaching and most of all no encouragement. This resulted in distrust which destroyed the relationship. It also made me doubtful and mistrusting of others that approached.

Over the last couple of years, I have been reading, following blogs, asking questions and observing the interaction of those in a D/s relationship. I believe I have a good grasp of the dynamics of the different relationships within the lifestyle. I'm also aware, the individuals make the relationship to fit their needs which gives each relationship its own uniqueness.

Until now, I have been hesitate and even feared committing. And at times some of the old feelings creep in and make me wonder if I made the right decision. When I chat with Sir, those feelings leave and I know I made the right choice for Sir to be my first official Dominate.

There has been some Dominates which have helped clear the way for me to feel this way. They have taken the time to answer my questions and continue to be supportive of what I choose. But its not just the Dominates, its also the subs and slaves who have taken the time to befriend me. These individuals have shown me that there are trustworthy individuals who will help another learn and develop into the person that they have a potential to be. It basically restores my faith in people.

Almost Safisfied

I believe I have found the Dom for me. I was beginning to have doubts that there was one out there that would accept me for me. But I believe I have found a very patient and caring Male to help me to further my exploration. Oh, don't get me wrong, I believe if I should something wrong, He will make the necassary corrections.

The reason I say "almost satisfied" is because our relationship is long distance. Due to the distance, we will not be physically involved until the oppuntity presents for us to be face to face.

I can't wait to see what the year holds.

Nervous

As I enter into a new phase of this lifestyle and life in general, I am excited but nervous. I'm even beginning to wonder if its real. I guess that is apart of a long distance relationship.

While waiting to met the Dominate I believe will teach me all the pleasure of the lifestyle, I worry about if he will like me? Will his words turn to actions?

Then I turn the worries to myself, will I be able to handle the pain? Will I find pleasure in pain? Will he show how pleasure and pain go hand in hand?

So many questions, will I find the answers? I truely hope so and hope it is soon.

Another Gone

I have had an on again, off again relationship with G. At this time, I believe it is off forever. I thought I owed him the courtesy of hearing about my change in status from me, not my page or another. He could only respond "have fun be well". To me this was him saying good bye.

When I ask about it, he stated "I lost you months ago when you stopped contacting daily". I ask why contact daily when I'm not going to receive a response. Actually in thinking back, he did loose me, probably around October, when he refused to give me his address so I could send him a birthday present. I knew then that things would never go anywhere with us.

He stated he loved me but did he really. I don't think so because if he truely had, I would have been worth more than an occassional note here and there. But according to his actions, I wasn't valued or respected. I was a convenience. When he wanted to chat and talk shit, I was available. I think he expected me to wait forever.

That is actually what they have all thought (recent past relationships). Say some flowery words and make her feel good, she will take the emotional abuse and loneliness they wanted me to exist within.

The only disappointment is he said we would always be friends. That was just a lie to entrap me.

Found

I made a decision today. I ask Sir if the offer to be under consideration was still an option. He stated I could list myself as his sub. Of course, I ask a couple of questions and then accepted what he said. I changed my D/s relationship on my Fetlife page.

I've talked to several Dominates/Masters over the last several of months, looking for the one that accepts me for me. Sir M not only accepts me but shows me respect. He stated several months ago that he wanted me to put that I was under his consideration, when I ask if we could wait until we met, he agreed. We had only had a couple of conversations and didn't push me. When I ask if I should be calling him Sir, he stated he left that up to me. When I sent him pics, he didn't share them unless he had my permission first.

The final act that impressed me was when we cammed. He spoke to me and told me I was beautiful. He requested that I wear a sexy nightie. While camming, he ask for me to free my tits, nothing more. Others have insisted on seeing more and me doing more. He didn't.

Over the last month, I have tried to do everything he has ask. I think I have done a good job at completing what was ask and that was the reason he said he thought sub would be more appropriate. A reward for good behavior.

I also opened up to him and spoke a little more about me. I told him he could run because most do and he stated he wasn't. He even re-assured me that he would like me when we met face to face. I can't wait for that meeting.

Possible Find

I believe that I might have found the Dominate to take me to the next level. This probably isn't a permanent thing but he will train me and allow me to continue with other relationships. I believe this will be good for where I'm at in my life.

M is kind and understanding. He ask me to put I'm under consideration almost immediantly. But when I said I would prefer to wait until we met face to face, he was alright with that. When I suggested serving two Dominates, he stated have him email and they could come with a plan for me. And since this would be a long distance relationship, he understands that I have physical needs. He requested that I tell him when it was going to happen and that the man be black.

His request are few and very reasonable. I can't wait to met him. He has described some of the things that he wants to do to me and my body reacts. He knows that I haven't much experience and he will take that into consideration.

My only concern is my body. M's primary and other sub are both thin. I have mentioned this to him and he states he likes BBWs also. I also mentioned what I was told at another meeting. I met someone that encouraged me to meet him and at the meeting he stated he wasn't attracked to my body type. M stated that was that individual's loss.

I think this is going to be really good next step.

Trusting

Trusting is the hardest thing I have found to conquer within this lifestyle. I find myself beginning to let the walls down only to find disappointment. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high but after being hurt, its hard to give yourself. Giving my body isn't an issue because the marks will heal. I may be stiff and bruised but it all goes away. When the heart is hurt, it don't leave you are easily as the physical pain.

I begin giving a little trust hoping to build into something powerful, moving. However, I become disappointed each time. I begin to reveal some of myself. Some of the things I have experienced in my life only to have them thrown in my face when the Dominate is dissatisified with a conversation. This allows me to rebuild the wall and make it even higher, almost guarnteeing no one will be able to break it down.

This all makes me question everyone and their motives. Why are they talking to me? Are they really different from those of my past? Are they honest? Most of the time, I have found that there is no difference from the past and present. And what they consider honest isn't the same as what I consider honest to be.

Well, the search and struggle continues.

Frustrated

I'm been talking to V for several weeks...today I opened a topic of dicussion and then he states that I'm making demands...Maybe I was but I think it an issue that needed to be discussed and brought into the open.

The topic was him telling his slave of his intention to be involved with me. He doesn't believe we have a relationship because we have only talked online. But he won't admit that he has attempted to control me.

I mentioned that I was planning to go to a party. He ask if I was planning to fuck someone, when I answered it was a possibility. He ask if I was asking permission and I stated yes. He gave me his permission to fuck. To me, this is an indication that we have something more than just online. Plus he has stated that I will get fucked in March, April at the latest. Another indication that this is more than online.

His refusal to acknowledge his intent gives the impression that his relationship isn't as open as he has stated. He flat out refuses to talk to his slave. When I made the statement that I don't like to be hid, he states he don't hide or lie. But the bottom line is he will not tell his slave that he is planning to train me.

In this lifestyle, individuals design their relationship to fit their needs. It is suppose to be open and honest which creates an atmosphere to encourage trust. But how can someone trust another when they refuse to be open and honest. The really sad part is he don't see or understand my point.

I have only ask he to tell his slave. I want to know she is ok with what he intents. I don't see where that is wrong if the relationship is truely open.

Looking

When I first began exploring this lifestyle, I kept wondering if I could submit. I realize I can submit, I just haven't found the man that I'm willing too. I've read threads, posted threats and have had a few involvements. However, after a break up with a supposed dom, I chose to withdraw and continue my research.

I took some advice from one of my threads and was determined to explore on my own. I have attended munches and a play party. I'm still wanting to attend a major event but life happens so I haven't been able to as of yet. I have faith that I will. I have attended things single so far but I would like to attend a major event with another, either play partner or friend. I wanted to play at the play party but because I didn't know anyone, I didn't feel comfortable so I opted to watch. I wanted to see play live. I wanted to see how the subs/slaves reacted.

As for looking, I didn't think it would be hard. You just need to find someone you are attracted too. Someone that is trustworthy. Someone that is honest. This task proved harder than expected. And I believe the reason is most Dominates want to change me into what they want. They don't want to accept me for me. This has lead me to maintain the walls that I have built from devastating past relationships.

I inform the individual that I'm talking to of my moods, how I can be easily offended and how I normally react. They seem not to believe until I actually show some dissatification. After several, you realize the ones that just won't work and learn to move to the next.

I have two that I truely believe can take me to the next level. I'm really at a loss as to what to do at this time. I don't believe either will be permanent but I do feel they will both be great teachers. I do know I will not make any decisions until I meet both face to face.

I have said before, I will know when I meet the person that will be my life partner. One never knows when that person will enter one's life. So for now, I'm going to continue learning and developing my submissiveness.

2011

I just realized that I haven't wrote anything in 2011 which is kinda of usual. I try to write something but just haven't managed to and here its the end of February. A lot has happened in these first two months and me not write. Well I will try and update what has been happening with me.

I have met several potential Doms. I have been talking to several which I have discussed in previous blogs. I have also been talking to a couple of new ones. I believe I have found a potential person to help take me to the next level which I'm anxious to experience but I have my doubts that this is the person I will remain with. I still have a vision of being owned by a man that will make me the primary. I actually want to be married, owned and collared. Most that I speak with already have a primary that they are married too or intend on marrying. So I see these individuals as friends, teachers and play partners.

Something else I have noticed is most want to change or tame me. They don't want to accept me for me which has some good qualities. I want someone to accept me and help me to become what I have the potential to be, not change me and make me what they want.

In January, I began talking to a Dom that made me more and more uncomfortable as we went though the getting to know process. He didn't speak about the things that I was interested, in even though his Fetlife profile indicted we might be compatible in several areas. He only focused on controlling my sex life. He wanted me to participate in gangbangs which would have been a new experience but not one that I ever thought I wanted to do. I agreed to try. We discussed attending a party together and he stated he wanted me to do 20-30 dicks in the weekend. This was extreme to me. He also stated he would decide which hole they would use. I have always been particular on who I chose to have sex with and even more particular with who had access to use my ass.

Another area that made me uncomfortable was he appeared to only want to humiliate and degrade me. I told him that these were areas I didn't do well. I have began to accept slut and have always accepted bitch but he wanted to call me whore and pig. I didn't say anything about whore but pig stepped over a boundary. In my opinion, he really wasn't interested in BBWs but for some reason he pursued me. Instead of accepting me and my body, he wanted to degrade me, change me. He wanted me to loose 10 pounds before we met. That wasn't a problem but I explained that I have trouble loosing. I have been trying to change my eating habits for some time and was attempting to exercise more.

The bottom line, he made me feel like he only wanted to use my submissiveness to make money. He stated he wanted me to take 5 to 10 dicks daily. In a D/s relationship, what does me taking 5 to 10 daily have to do with servicing him? In my mind it doesn't. My service would have been on my back to produce him an income.

I tried several times to say I was done. The first time he called me a pig. He said I should consider it an honor. I continued the "getting to know" period, hoping he would hear what I was saying about what I wanted and needed. However, he didn't.

The last straw was when I sent him a picture of me out with friends. He ask me about my friend stating she was do-able. I was something to be given away or thrown away only to be used to make him money. He even shared my private pics that I had sent him. He stated his people were anxious to get into my pussy.

He just made me uncomfortable. He wanted me to be something I wasn't. I don't sleep with just everybody and I have my reasons. So finally I pissed him off enough to stop talking to me all together. I actually thought when I said "peace out", he knew it was over. I hadn't spoken with him in over a week when he sent me a request to view me on cam. He didn't like that I took my bra off and someone else was viewing. So I guess since he said good bye, its finally over...woohoo!!!!

Ok...now on to the person that I believe will take me to the next level, V. He seems to be kind and understanding. We have had discussions about my limited experiences and where I would like to go. I have also told him about my disappointments. He is older as the others were younger. I told him all the bad stuff and he responds "bring it on". He says he wants to introduce me to pain and pleasure. I believe he wants to enlighten me to the pleasure in pain. He has stated several times "and why aren't you owned". This makes me feel good that someone is accepting me for me. I believe he wishes to help mold me, help me develop to my fullest potential as a submissive.

I'm still chatting with M but distance prevents us from becoming involved. He is another that I believe would be good for me and would be able to help me develop but again distance is an issue.

I still communicate with G but he doesn't want to move further. He wants control but doesn't want to meet me in real life. He doesn't want to move to the next level. He wants to continue to be long distance on-line D/s relationship. This isn't what I want. I want a fully interactive D/s relationship. It can be LDR but we have to be some face to face personal time.

At times, he seems to be jealous and hurt but I have begged him to allow me to visit. To take our interaction to the next step, physical involvement. He states he loves me but its only words with no action. His statements of love don't provide me with comfort. He doesn't provide any real guidance which is what I want and need at times. So I have made to decision to move on and find what I need but a future with him doesn't appear to exist.

I do believe this will be a very exciting year. I look forward to learning and seeing where this all takes me.