Clearer

Over the last 2 weeks, I have had to have some testing. Orginally, I thought it was just a way for the doctor to torture me. However, they think they saw something which then required me to have a CT scan. The results were suppose to be in on Thursday or Friday. Since I hadn't heard anything, I called to get the results. I was then informed that the results were in but the doctor hadn't read them so they weren't available to me. I would receive a call on Monday. This isn't sitting well with me. Anyways, I texted Ma'am and then called.

During the call, we began talking about how I react to somethings. I also again stated I was concerned about subdrop because I have been so depressed that I was unable to get out of bed. I also spoke about being overwhelmed and just wanted to cry several times while still at Sir's. I finally admitted to Ma'am why I was overwhelmed, finances and thoughts of the pending CT scan.

When I was speaking about my moods, Ma'am made the statement "that is why you need a Master". I do believe that having a Master would help me gain some control especially with my moods.

I also spoke about not being able to feel my body respond to some of the activities. Ma'am stated she thought I would respond to her if she was the one doing the play. With the reason being, we have established a bond and I have begun to trust her. My interaction with Sir is so limited which has prevented the trust from being established at this time. I also think its cause men have been the major source of my emotional pain. I've opened up to a couple only to have things thrown in my face and me be ignored. Its really had to get past those feelings when you really aren't able to get to know the person.

Ma'am made alot of sense during our conversation. She also plans to help with cleaning up my credit and getting my finances straight. Ma'am also stated by not opening up, I was preventing myself from getting into mentality or maintaining it.

Mind is Racing

My mind is traveling from one topic to another. Its really hard to stay focused on any one thing. I keep replaying my 2 days and nights with Sir and Ma'am. Then I start thinking about a blog I read where the sub was trying to verbally relate her needs to her Sir and Ma'am. She had always been able to write her needs but not tell them face to face. Here I find myself in the same situation. How can I tell them face to face what I need? Then I think back and realize, Sir might have seen I was upset at one point and when ask I just responded "I'm good...just relaxing". At that point, I really wasn't. I think I just didn't want him to see me as weak. I see crying as weak which is why I don't do it in front of anyone.

When speaking to Ma'am on the phone the other day I told her I cried from the time I hit the freeway to Washington PA. She ask why and I really didn't have a reason. When analyzing what was going on, I was overwhelmed. Thoughts of finances which I'm choose not be be good with, the pending CT scan and results which included negative thoughts from another in the past. No one typically wish harm to another especially one that is to be loved but my ex wished me dead twice in a two week period and now I have a concern with pending diagnosis which could actually kill me.

Ok...now I jump to some of the blogs I'm reading. Most of the subs and slaves experience pain but the Doms/Masters try to create a connection between pain and pleasure. But I have also been told that BDSM activities are separate from sexual activities which leads me to more confussion.

Sexual activities...I feel so deprived but I've felt this way for a while. I don't believe I'm getting enough. I'm in my sexual peak and I'm lucky to get it once a month. I want to be fucked hard and all night. I want to be woke up when even Sir has a need. I want Sir to call me into the bedroom and force me on the bed and fuck the shit out of me.

Ma'am told me that if I was feeling horny all I had to do is request to speak with Sir in private and ask him to use me. Only Sir continues to speak about earning so I don't think it would work for me cuz I just haven't really earned anything with Sir yet. Then I also think about all the times I have requested to be fucked only to be told no...I really don't want to be rejected that will only create cause for me to be disciplined.

Which leads me to continue to wonder, how am I to earn things? I like clarity and I don't have it. I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm being successful due to my lack of knowledge and experience. I can't even figure out if I really did like the lil bit of pain that I received or not. Sir was talking to me but I was so intent on what he was doing, I don't remember half of what he was saying. I was tense and anticipating. Will I be able to let my mind go?

I told Ma'am when I called to say I was close to home that I figured out what I sought. I told her sexual satisifaction, attention and exploration. She ask if I wanted a relationship. I can't really answer that. Apart of me does want a relationship but I don't think the one I want exists so I don't intent to pursue one. I have a great capacity for loving but apparently no one really wants that part of me which is ok. What one doesn't know is never really losted or at least the loss isn't felt.

I've been all over the place with this blog tonight. I don't think anyone will really be able to follow it, let alone understand. I don't think I fully understand.

Moving Forward

Well, I must say I was able to finally get to experience what I was so curious about. I went to visit Sir and Ma'am so I guess I can say my training has begun. I do believe the two days and nights were beneficial. I was able to experience some new feelings.

I work midnights so I had planned to get off work and nap before driving because I can become very tired after working 12 hours. However that isn't the way the afternoon went. Since it was so warm, I decided to float in the pool and somewhat rest for 2 hours. Then I showered and went off to begin experiencing the lifestyle for real.

I texted Ma'am to inform her I was leaving. She returned the text to request I bring them each a pack of cigarettes and there was more but I didn't get the second part. Also I was to kneel and present them each with a pack after the children went to bed. I had ask what the expectations were and I was told to be willing. The only rule was when the children were awake, we were all just friends. She texted me the address. I googled it and printed the directions. I was then off, of course after I stopped to get some refreshments for the trip.

Once getting to the area, I went the wrong way a couple of times but still didn't make bad time. Sir requested to speak with me and we went to another room so the children wouldn't hear. We had a conversation and he again ask what I sought. At this point, I still didn't know what I was seeking. I tried to explain that I was missing something in my life and I believed they could help me with what was missing. I was also able to express that I believed he was missing out on a part of me because he was so focused on the submission. I explained that I believed my submission was only a part of me and there was so much more. Sir listened and didn't get angry or at least that is how it appeared to me. We then had dinner.

The children were put to bed and I followed the instructions of the text. I knelt and presented Sir and Ma'am with their presents. Sir seemed surprised which I think was good. Ma'am went and got 2 collars. Sir placed one on Ma'am. Sir then motioned for me to come before him. I was told the collar was for training. Ma'am also showed me one of Sir's favorite kneeling positions which would be in front of him so that he may have a foot stool. Sir ask how long I could provide service to his cock and I told him I didn't know. Sir had me sucking and licking his cock. Sir requested Ma'am lay with him. We then went to the bedroom for some play time which was sexual. I received a small taste and was told I would have to earn the fucking that Ma'am was receiving. It was beautiful watching Sir slam into her and seeing her ass jiggle. I so wanted more.

Sir gave me a task and I wasn't able to complete it. Ma'am stated she didn't think it was right so would let me do as requested. However, she told Sir I had completed it. Later she told him the truth. We all had a talk. Sir stated I wasn't to let Ma'am get me in trouble when he gave a directive. Sir then ask Ma'am if he had given her too much control over trainging. It was all settled and a new task assigned. I completed this one.

Ma'am and I were able to have several conversations with the attempt to provide me with needed information. I think I was on information overload because I didn't remember to do alot of things. Ma'am stated when in Sir's presence I needed to ask to leave the room. I think I did on the last day but getting up to go to the bathroom is just something that I have always done. Sir told me I was to watch and make sure he always had a full glass of water. At one point, I wasn't paying attention and he just handed me the glass. Of course, I apoligized and filled it quickly.

Ma'am told me in the afternoon that she wanted to do some more serious play which included fire play. When we all went to the bedroom, Sir had his toys laid out for my viewing. We spoke about a few and then I was ask what I wanted to try. I stated the flogger.
The scene was began with Sir using vampire gloves. First he just raked them across my ass, slapping it several time. Sir did state there were lil trickles of blood when he finished. He also had me kneel straight up and took his hands across my breast. Sir grabbed and held my breast several times especially around the nipples. Sir also took Wartenburg Wheels across my breast. Sir ask if he had a beginning pain slut on his hands...I responded no.


I was ask if I wanted it used on me first or did I want to see it used on Ma'am first. I stated I wanted to watch. I chickened out. I had never watched anyone be flogged nor had I been flogged. In hindsight, I should have said me first. After a couple swings, Sir then ordered me down and my ass bared. I was ask if I remembered my safeword which I did. I was re-assured earlier that it was perfectly fine to use the safe word. I moved around but began to anticipate the swings. I believe Sir realized this. Sir then decided to allow me to feel the cane...Oh did it sting.

Next Sir showed me a toy that was an inflatable penis. Sir placed it in my ass and then inflated and deflated several times. At this point, Sir told me to rub my clit. The toy felt good in my ass because I do like anal but when inflated it gave me the feeling that I had to use the bathroom. I told Sir I had that feeling and he excused me to use the restroom but nothing came out. From his statements when I returned, I think he knew the feeling I was having.

As Ma'am stated I was able to experience a lil fire play. I was told about cupping. Sir stated he was going to put one on my breast. I requested he not do that due to me having a CT the next day and someone could see the mark and I would have a time explaining. However, my ass was again fair game. Several were placed on my ass and I didn't really know how to take it or the feeling. I think I will request to try again.

Sir also used a small flogger on my breast. I was flinching and Sir stated he wasn't going to hit me in the face, he was playing with my nipples. I stated that my nipples were really sensitive. Sir thought that might be a good form of punishment. Sir also had nipple clamps out and was going to place them on me. I didn't think I was ready for that type of pain and was permitted to beg not to use them.

So many new experiences occured it really is hard to remember and to put them in the right order but I did try. Sir spoke about nurturing me through new experiences. We also spoke about loyalty and rules which are really simple. Sir has 3 rules of which I can only remember 2. 1 is no drugs and 2 is no other men. Sir stated if either are broke then the relationship is ended. Sir also stated that if mentality was lost there was 24 hour grace for new slaves, 48 for considered and 72 hours for collared. Within the time frames established, the one that lost mentality could request an audience and return to Sir.

All the next day, I continued to feel the sting on my ass. I didn't think it would still exist from the hours before. I drove home with a soar ass. When I got home, I looked at my ass. I could see the bruise from the cane and I had several lil marks that were either from the flogger or cupping. I don't think the cupping left any marks so I'm leaning more toward the flogger.

Overall, I had a couple of very good days. I can't wait to experience the lifestyle further. I have requested to become Sir's slave and live a 24/7 M/s relationship. Because of the distance and things ingrained in me, it will take time. I believe the experience will be worth it.

Today, Ma'am and I spoke on the phone for several hours. Within that time, I was able to open up to her about my finances and family issues. Ma'am plans to help me in a couple of areas which will relieve some stress. I guess the jest of the conversation was it was ok for me to ask for help and I could rely on others...I don't have to do it all myself.

Creating Doubts

I think I truely surprised Sir when I ask to earn a place in his household. He spoke bluntly as usual which caused me to doubt if I was doing the right thing. He told me to make time for a return visit where I would serve him. He told me he was going to fuck my ass and I don't remember alot after that. I went into my own lil space as I had the night we met face to face. That night he was telling me that I was of a higher level and quit messing with those beneath me. I should be playing on there level. I think that was partly the reason I decided pursue a place in Sir's household.

There are a couple of things that really upsets me is that he states he won't have anything to do with me til I come to serve him. I will be trained by Ma'am and go through her to arrange everything. That is all good because we appear to get along well. We think along the same lines. But to get back, what upsets me is how can he truely dominate me or take control if he doesn't get to know me. Chatting is a way for both of us to get to know one another. Plus he also states he don't love the woman, he loves the submission. I think by ignoring the woman, he is missing out on so much. The woman is the whole...her submission is just a part of who she is. I keep wondering how I can totally submit to someone that ignores apart of who I am.

Then there is the fact I can give my body to him but will I be able to give my mind and heart. At this point I don't believe I can. My mind is too strong and because he is choosing to not really deal with me on any level, makes me continue to wonder how can he guide me. As for my heart, that will be protected. It has been given only to be abused. Its best that is remains well protected. So where is this relationship really going? Am I making a mistake to persue? Should I have ask just to be a play partner and not want a position? Am I being dishonest with myself and therefore with him?

I haven't been given alot of details which is also causing doubt. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to prepare. When I ask Ma'am she said the only expectation was to be willing. I haven't been given any rules but I really haven't committed to them yet. I don't want to do anything and then it be viewed as a breach. If I don't know the rules, how do I know if I'm breaking them. I tell people I like to attempt to bend the rules and if not caught, no harm no foul. However, if I'm caught, I will gladly take responsibility. Sir appears to be very strict and again this concerns me.

I've never experienced a D/s relationship and I find myself jumping to a M/s relationship. I have stated "I'm not a slave". However, Sir has taken the time to break it down for me at least where it stands in his househole. It appears really easy on the outside. You submit, do as your told, voice your concerns in an appropriate manner and put home, family and Sir as a priority.

My next visit is scheduled for July 19th. I will be staying with Sir and Ma'am. Ma'am will be training me and I really don't know what to expect.

Submissive Test

I was interested on where I would find my self...I'm amazed at the results cuz I wouldn't have thought humilation would be so high.

Your result for The submissive type Test ...

Slave
You scored 43% Humiliation, 57% Submissiveness, 57% Service, and 42% Pain!

You're the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you.
Good luck in finding your best relationship :)

BDSM Questionnaire

I found this on another blog and thought it would be interesting to answer it now and then again once I have a little more experience.

1. How did you first find out about BDSM?

When I began to explore swinging, things concerning BDSM began to pop up. BDSM groups would have fetish night at several of the clubs. Then I met and started dating a Dom.

2. What was the appeal of BDSM to you?

The exchange of power is of interest to me. I’ve been in total control of all aspects of my life. I would like to give up control if the right situation would present its self.

3. Do you have any friends that are interested in BDSM?

I think a couple might have a light interest but will never admit to it.

4. Have any of the traits of your BDSM life transferred into your real life?

I think it does. I don’t submit to everyone but I attempt to cater to others needs.

5. Are you open about your lifestyle, or do you hide it from people?

I believe I’m open. I’m discreet but if ask I will provide an answer.

6. Are you an exhibitionist?

Yes

7. Is there a place you've ever wanted to masturbate or have sex, but were too afraid or embarrassed to try?

Yes, in an elevator.

8. Do you masturbate?

Yes

9. If so, how often?

As often as needed.

10. Would being "forced" to masturbate by someone make you more or less willing to do it?

Probably more. I don’t masturbate in front of others. It’s a way to satisfy a need that is going uncared for.

11. Are you more masochistic or more submissive, or are you about equal parts of each?

At this point, I’m submissive. I haven’t explored my masochistic side.

12. Have you ever worn a collar?

No

13. If you had a dominant, or if you do have a dominant, what little things would you (or do you) do to make his life a little easier daily?

This one is hard to say. It depends on the Dominate.

14. What two things about you , either physically or mentally, do you consider to be most appealing?

Physically, my eyes are most appealing. Mentally, its my willingness to help.

15. How willing are you to do things that really challenge you?

I’m very willing. I want to explore some of the things that I’m reading about. I want to see if I have any limits and what level of pain I can handle.

16. How willing are you to do things that are somewhat scary?

As long as you I wont be physically harmed.

Over Thinking

Well, I've texted Ma'am several times and had conversations on IM with her. She texted to arrange a visit for me stating she didn't want me to get frustrated. I really don't get frustrated, just anxious and over think.

This week I've really been wondering if I can do this. I think I can do the submissive part focusing on service and providing the service to Sir. What concerns me is the actual S&M part? Can I take the pain that I often read about? This is what I want to experience, I think. I keep waivering.

At my first meeting with Sir and Ma'am, Sir used a belt. He didn't hit too hard but enough to feel it. It really didn't bother me until he hit my pussy. I jumped with that. It wasn't hard but I wasn't use to it. I also moved when I felt pain from the fisting. I was told I could use my safewords and I did. I wouldn't have thought to use safewords and would have just taken it. I've never been forced to take pain. When I didn't want something done, I just moved away. At times I was followed when attempting to move, ie anal sex when I first felt the pain. But once I relaxed and enjoyed the feeling, everything was good.

Another concern is sub drop. I already experience mood swings. How will I deal with the potential depression that comes with sub drop? I don't see Sir as the one to provide very good re-assuring aftercare. He has stated several times that he don't love women, he loves slaves and their submission.

Which leads me to yet another concern, will I ever be able to trust so fully that I'm able to turn complete control over? At this moment, I don't think so. I think for me, the ability to give over complete control will come in time with love and respect. I'm so fearful that the Dom/Master I decide to be with will ignore my limits and not take the time to know me or be aware when something isn't right. Bottom line, I don't think I will be cared for. I have always been ignored to date for someone or something else. I find it hard to accept it will be any different.

In my recent past, I did find someone that I was willing to give complete control to and he did nothing to follow through. He only did things to show me that I wasn't important. I was last on his list of priorities. Oh, how I degress.