2013 has been a very stressful year for me personally. I thought I was on task for increasing my involvement in my community only to hit several stumbling blocks.
First my sister was found dead which put me in a tail spin. We were estranged but that doesn't take away from her suddenness or the loss I feel. I had so much to say and will never have the chance.
Then my grandson finally gets his transplant. Waiting 4 years for his organs really wears on a family's nerves, then the 12 hour surgery waiting to see how it went. It was a total ordeal that one is never ready for. He has done fantastic with his recovery with only a few road blocks.
On the personal side, I'm not involved and didn't really have any potentials. But I've been taken by surprise, I've had someone reach out to me that has really impressed me. He ask if I text then called me. We've been talking off and on this evening. Its not sex talk, its actually adult conversation. Getting to know one another...I'm totally surprised. This might indicate 2014 may have some potential.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Looking up
The last couple of years have been really rough and especially stressful. I've had a family issue that remained a priority and prevented me from moving forward. Now that issue has been resolved and I'm left with an emptiness one which was unexpected.
I had thought I had everything under control. This includes chasing those I feel are unacceptable away. I need someone that is strong in every aspect but open and understanding. I need to know I'm a priority at some point in the relationship and will receive some attention at times. I'm going to be protected, not left to fend for myself.
It seems that a lot of my stressors have been resolved. I've bought a new car after a year of my old one being in decline. This severely limited my ability to attend events.
On the positive side, I had a door opened. I tried flying and loved it. Now I'm planning to attend an event in Dallas.
The experience of flying has opened doors. Buying a car has expanded my ability to travel also. I will be able to attend more events more frequently. Hopefully this will allow me to explore and meet people. Maybe I will come across the perfect partner.
I had thought I had everything under control. This includes chasing those I feel are unacceptable away. I need someone that is strong in every aspect but open and understanding. I need to know I'm a priority at some point in the relationship and will receive some attention at times. I'm going to be protected, not left to fend for myself.
It seems that a lot of my stressors have been resolved. I've bought a new car after a year of my old one being in decline. This severely limited my ability to attend events.
On the positive side, I had a door opened. I tried flying and loved it. Now I'm planning to attend an event in Dallas.
The experience of flying has opened doors. Buying a car has expanded my ability to travel also. I will be able to attend more events more frequently. Hopefully this will allow me to explore and meet people. Maybe I will come across the perfect partner.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
What I want???
I once thought I knew what I wanted once I was able to move on with my life but since I've been able too, I've been doubting everything. I've been stopped in my tracks because I really don't know what way to move.
During my stagnant years, I was unable to find a partner that even remotely attempted to make me a priority or considered any of my needs as important. Not even my exploring or learning was of an importance or priority. Making me a door mat was important and humiliating me was just as important. Which makes me think, how am I going to find someone now when I'm able to move about?
Since I'm so strong-willed, I need someone that can show me that he is stronger, not just physically, but mentally. However, it hasn't happened. The partners I find are noticeable physically stronger but lack the interest in showing the mental strength. Because they don't demonstrate their mental strength, it proves their weakness in my opinion and my dominant side makes its appearance.
The other side is I need someone that can walk the fine line between compassionate and strict. I have a defiant side which will no doubt get me into trouble for a while. Plus I've not even remotely been trained which will be a new experience so I need someone with some knowledge.
I'm tired of being blamed for my potentials partners deficient. I'm too demanding for sex. I don't have time for them. I don't make them a priority. I don't want to rush into sex. All these excuses are actually the truth about why they choose not to be with me. Or they just don't give out their address so I can visit but won't be honest enough to say I don't want you to visit.
At times I wonder, is there someone out there for me? Am I going to need to settle to be alone for the remainder of my life? I won't settle for less then I deserve. So to whoever tries, you have walls to break down and a lot to prove because I'm not going to lay down cause someone says too.
During my stagnant years, I was unable to find a partner that even remotely attempted to make me a priority or considered any of my needs as important. Not even my exploring or learning was of an importance or priority. Making me a door mat was important and humiliating me was just as important. Which makes me think, how am I going to find someone now when I'm able to move about?
Since I'm so strong-willed, I need someone that can show me that he is stronger, not just physically, but mentally. However, it hasn't happened. The partners I find are noticeable physically stronger but lack the interest in showing the mental strength. Because they don't demonstrate their mental strength, it proves their weakness in my opinion and my dominant side makes its appearance.
The other side is I need someone that can walk the fine line between compassionate and strict. I have a defiant side which will no doubt get me into trouble for a while. Plus I've not even remotely been trained which will be a new experience so I need someone with some knowledge.
I'm tired of being blamed for my potentials partners deficient. I'm too demanding for sex. I don't have time for them. I don't make them a priority. I don't want to rush into sex. All these excuses are actually the truth about why they choose not to be with me. Or they just don't give out their address so I can visit but won't be honest enough to say I don't want you to visit.
At times I wonder, is there someone out there for me? Am I going to need to settle to be alone for the remainder of my life? I won't settle for less then I deserve. So to whoever tries, you have walls to break down and a lot to prove because I'm not going to lay down cause someone says too.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
New Beginning
I had put my life on hold because I had to make my family and their needs as a priority. However, that has been almost resolved. On Friday, we received the call that organs were available for my grandson. So at 12:45 am on Saturday morning, he went into surgery to receive a new liver, colon, small intestine, panaceas and stomach. He is on his way to healing and living a somewhat normal life.
Now, I can move my life to the next stage. I have not been serious about finding a dominant because I could not commit to the level that I needed due to the priority I made my grandson. However, I can now look after my own needs cause my baby no longer needs me as he did nor does his mama.
I will have to think about this. This is a big step for me to seriously consider a Dominant.
Now, I can move my life to the next stage. I have not been serious about finding a dominant because I could not commit to the level that I needed due to the priority I made my grandson. However, I can now look after my own needs cause my baby no longer needs me as he did nor does his mama.
I will have to think about this. This is a big step for me to seriously consider a Dominant.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Submissive Emotions and the Dominant By DauntlessVitality
Submissive Emotions and the Dominant
"I warned you! I told you how this would be. I told
you how intense this could and probably would become. I told you how
emotional this would become for you. I told you this would be like no
other relationship you have ever had. I told you how it would be hard
to go back once I had taken you there. Did you believe me? Did you
think I was lying? Did you really think I was just telling you things
to lure you in? Maybe...maybe not. You had no way of knowing. You had
no reference point. You had never been here before to be able to
understand. But...now you see. Now you get it. Now you understand.
Now...you are addicted!"
I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.
There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.
From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.
She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.
This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.
There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.
My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.
Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!
I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.
There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.
From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.
She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.
This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.
There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.
My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.
Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Another Great Party
On Saturday, I attended another great party at Master Doug's and piggy's. They are the most gracious host and hostess.
This month was smaller than last month but it still had a lot of great energy. There was a gender sadistic challenge where a female sadist and a male sadist each picked 5 implements to use on a volunteer. The male won just based on power because he was able to break the skin.
I was able to observe a newbie negotiating a scene where he would be tied up and possible electric used. I saw the beginning of the rope being tied around him.
I watched a scene with OD and piggy. Piggy was great. She didn't move or yell or jump with any snap of the dragon tail or crack of a paddle. I was impressed. I didn't see her second scene but saw the pics where a paddle with tacks was used. She had some blood dripping but the next day, you barely saw any marks at all on her beautiful ass.
Another friend is having a breast reduction so we said good bye to her boobies...she took markers around so people could write their good-byes. I think she is a little nervous about surgery but she knows we are there to support.
Just as one is willing saying good-bye, another is being forced. She has found out that she has breast cancer in both breast. She just informed her friends this week. We have tried to turn Fetlife pink in support of her. Several turned the party pink on Saturday. She also knows, we as a community will be there to support her when she is in need. My prayers go out to both of my friends.
Now another month and another month of parties...I seem to make it to 2. The L3 and Master Doug's. The L3 is more to listen to music and relax. At Master Doug's, I'm working the nerve to actually play.
This month was smaller than last month but it still had a lot of great energy. There was a gender sadistic challenge where a female sadist and a male sadist each picked 5 implements to use on a volunteer. The male won just based on power because he was able to break the skin.
I was able to observe a newbie negotiating a scene where he would be tied up and possible electric used. I saw the beginning of the rope being tied around him.
I watched a scene with OD and piggy. Piggy was great. She didn't move or yell or jump with any snap of the dragon tail or crack of a paddle. I was impressed. I didn't see her second scene but saw the pics where a paddle with tacks was used. She had some blood dripping but the next day, you barely saw any marks at all on her beautiful ass.
Another friend is having a breast reduction so we said good bye to her boobies...she took markers around so people could write their good-byes. I think she is a little nervous about surgery but she knows we are there to support.
Just as one is willing saying good-bye, another is being forced. She has found out that she has breast cancer in both breast. She just informed her friends this week. We have tried to turn Fetlife pink in support of her. Several turned the party pink on Saturday. She also knows, we as a community will be there to support her when she is in need. My prayers go out to both of my friends.
Now another month and another month of parties...I seem to make it to 2. The L3 and Master Doug's. The L3 is more to listen to music and relax. At Master Doug's, I'm working the nerve to actually play.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
OMG...
OMG...my stalker has decided to maybe come play in my play ground. I think she may have grown her balls.
She has decided to mark on Fetlife she may be coming to the swing event that I've went too the last 2 months. That leaves me to wonder why. Is she reading my posting where I'm writing I'm being ignored and she wants to prove she can get everyone's attention. I hate to tell her, she has no standards so she will get every dick's attention. I on the other hand am a little more selective and don't want every dick that approaches.
I'm comfortable being a strong, independent and intelligent female and those men who take an interest enjoy a woman who is well rounded not just physically but in all areas. I can carry on conversations about multiple topics that don't include sex. I have a sense of humor and generally likeable.
Where as my stalker is nothing more than a gutter rat. She can only spread her legs, checks and lips. All 3 holes are well used with no protection and I would be scared at what I might get if I used one of those gaping holes.
Plus, knowing this is a party that I attend, this will be her 3 instance of physical stalking. She will catch a case and in my yard...so sweet.
She has decided to mark on Fetlife she may be coming to the swing event that I've went too the last 2 months. That leaves me to wonder why. Is she reading my posting where I'm writing I'm being ignored and she wants to prove she can get everyone's attention. I hate to tell her, she has no standards so she will get every dick's attention. I on the other hand am a little more selective and don't want every dick that approaches.
I'm comfortable being a strong, independent and intelligent female and those men who take an interest enjoy a woman who is well rounded not just physically but in all areas. I can carry on conversations about multiple topics that don't include sex. I have a sense of humor and generally likeable.
Where as my stalker is nothing more than a gutter rat. She can only spread her legs, checks and lips. All 3 holes are well used with no protection and I would be scared at what I might get if I used one of those gaping holes.
Plus, knowing this is a party that I attend, this will be her 3 instance of physical stalking. She will catch a case and in my yard...so sweet.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Another Swing Event
I went to another swinger event last night. I've decided the only thing that its really good for is watching people and some slight relaxing. It does prove my point that I'm nothing more than a wallflower.
Again I was ignored. One I didn't expect to approach me because he protocols require me to address him. Well, that wasn't going to happen so we were at an impasse.
But the one I didn't expect to ignore me did. Well I should have expected it. He has ignored me in every other way but never intentionally at an event. I have gave the respect of calling him Sir and he has not been gracious in returning the respect. I have tried talking to him. Actually the only way I've been able to communicate with him is too text or email. I've had no alone time with him since December. I think I've met him twice for an hour each time but there has always been a group of people around.
He also doesn't understand D/s and BDSM play. I've realized once he finds something that a sub/slave likes he limits her to that activity. Like he only mentioned playing with clothes pins with me when there was so much more that I liked, enjoyed and wanted to try. He did the same with his slave.
He also assumed that since I was going to play publicly that I had a Dominant when I don't. Just because I have developed a trusting friendship with another and opt to participate in physical play doesn't me I'm involved in a D/s relationship. Two totally different things but at times these things could be joined.
On the positive side I did meet and chat with 2 individuals that were simply fascinating. One has been wanting to meet me for a while and recognized me upon my arrival. We chatted and I believed he loved my bluntness.
The other noticed me sitting alone and decided to approach. He stated he had come at the request of a friend and wasn't wanting to interrupt if I was meeting anyone. But since I was ignored, I was good. We chatted about our swing experiences, our children and professional lives.
It was a great time. No pressure like the last time.
Again I was ignored. One I didn't expect to approach me because he protocols require me to address him. Well, that wasn't going to happen so we were at an impasse.
But the one I didn't expect to ignore me did. Well I should have expected it. He has ignored me in every other way but never intentionally at an event. I have gave the respect of calling him Sir and he has not been gracious in returning the respect. I have tried talking to him. Actually the only way I've been able to communicate with him is too text or email. I've had no alone time with him since December. I think I've met him twice for an hour each time but there has always been a group of people around.
He also doesn't understand D/s and BDSM play. I've realized once he finds something that a sub/slave likes he limits her to that activity. Like he only mentioned playing with clothes pins with me when there was so much more that I liked, enjoyed and wanted to try. He did the same with his slave.
He also assumed that since I was going to play publicly that I had a Dominant when I don't. Just because I have developed a trusting friendship with another and opt to participate in physical play doesn't me I'm involved in a D/s relationship. Two totally different things but at times these things could be joined.
On the positive side I did meet and chat with 2 individuals that were simply fascinating. One has been wanting to meet me for a while and recognized me upon my arrival. We chatted and I believed he loved my bluntness.
The other noticed me sitting alone and decided to approach. He stated he had come at the request of a friend and wasn't wanting to interrupt if I was meeting anyone. But since I was ignored, I was good. We chatted about our swing experiences, our children and professional lives.
It was a great time. No pressure like the last time.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Intimidated and Vulnerable
I admitted to 2 Dominants recently that pain intimidated. But as I thought about it, its not that pain intimidates me, I think its more the fear of being vulnerable and the potential sub drop.
I've always been in control or at least try. When things don't go as planned, I become frustrated but I'm able to think and re-adjust. So actually giving control over to someone and opening my self up is quit intimidating.
I have did minimal play in public like trying fire and the violent wand but I haven't tried anything else. I had the opportunity to various paddles, whips and even a flogger but ran. I was watching another receive her first spanking and I was getting excited and wet. So I think the combination of my bodies reaction and the intimidation spooked me.
I don't really have a Dominant to discuss these things with or to guide me so I'm left on my own to figure things out and process my feelings. It takes me a little longer to see the obvious at times.
I think at the next play party, I'm going to try and force my limits. I'm going to try and play in public. I want to be flogged. I've tried paddles once and I wasn't impressed and I will try whips again. I don't think I'll be impressed with them either but I think I need to try a couple of times before deciding.
I've always been in control or at least try. When things don't go as planned, I become frustrated but I'm able to think and re-adjust. So actually giving control over to someone and opening my self up is quit intimidating.
I have did minimal play in public like trying fire and the violent wand but I haven't tried anything else. I had the opportunity to various paddles, whips and even a flogger but ran. I was watching another receive her first spanking and I was getting excited and wet. So I think the combination of my bodies reaction and the intimidation spooked me.
I don't really have a Dominant to discuss these things with or to guide me so I'm left on my own to figure things out and process my feelings. It takes me a little longer to see the obvious at times.
I think at the next play party, I'm going to try and force my limits. I'm going to try and play in public. I want to be flogged. I've tried paddles once and I wasn't impressed and I will try whips again. I don't think I'll be impressed with them either but I think I need to try a couple of times before deciding.
Friday, August 2, 2013
"You're no submissive"
"You’re no submissive!” (when I don’t get my own way)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you question me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you won’t obey)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you express your opinion)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you disagree with me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you say no)
I’m “no submissive” when you disregard my needs.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t allow me to understand.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t help me feel safe before acting.
I’m “no submissive” when you dismiss my views.
I’m “no submissive” when you won’t accept our differences.
I’m “no submissive” when you violate my rights.
When I’m “no submissive” - you are no Dom.
~Author Unknown
“You’re no submissive!” (when you question me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you won’t obey)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you express your opinion)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you disagree with me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you say no)
I’m “no submissive” when you disregard my needs.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t allow me to understand.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t help me feel safe before acting.
I’m “no submissive” when you dismiss my views.
I’m “no submissive” when you won’t accept our differences.
I’m “no submissive” when you violate my rights.
When I’m “no submissive” - you are no Dom.
~Author Unknown
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Queen of Spades
Most define a Queen of Spades as a white female who will lay down for any and every black male as nothing more than a mere sex toy. I don't agree with that definition.
First of all, I see the male as more than a bull which is what that definition is considering that guy. I want the man to be more than sex. I want something deeper and lasting especially within this lifestyle.
Second, the designation of queen states she will be more than just a sex slave. She will be a prized procession to be cherished.
I was once ask to place a spade on my left breast by a person that I greatly respected. He was my owner for a short period and helped me through an emotional time. We were never able to meet face to face because of our personal obligations so we parted ways.
I had hoped to find someone like him but now I'm beginning to believe he was a very unique black man. The others I seem to come across aren't Master/Dominant material. The are players and gamers. They attach the title with no real sense as to what it means or what it takes to actually achieve. They don't guide, they expect their subs/slaves to have a "place". Its so discouraging. Even at times, I'm ashamed to have the QOS because of the level of men available.
First of all, I see the male as more than a bull which is what that definition is considering that guy. I want the man to be more than sex. I want something deeper and lasting especially within this lifestyle.
Second, the designation of queen states she will be more than just a sex slave. She will be a prized procession to be cherished.
I was once ask to place a spade on my left breast by a person that I greatly respected. He was my owner for a short period and helped me through an emotional time. We were never able to meet face to face because of our personal obligations so we parted ways.
I had hoped to find someone like him but now I'm beginning to believe he was a very unique black man. The others I seem to come across aren't Master/Dominant material. The are players and gamers. They attach the title with no real sense as to what it means or what it takes to actually achieve. They don't guide, they expect their subs/slaves to have a "place". Its so discouraging. Even at times, I'm ashamed to have the QOS because of the level of men available.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Amazing couple of Weeks
Wow...is a simple description of the last couple of weeks. I did start getting back out and making new friends. I've attended 2 events. One was a swinger event and the other was a BDSM private play party.
I had several men email me about meeting me at the swinger party. It was funny out of the ones that email not one approached. However, I did have a good time talking and was even able to do a little dancing. But toward the end, I got tired of telling one that I wasn't playing so I decided I would just go home. I felt accomplished because I actually motivated myself to go and stayed a couple of hours.
The next party was one that is monthly and I had wanted to attend but something had always came up. I was really nervous about going but knew everything would be fine. I knew the Host and hostess plus several of the guest.
I was able to meet new people and talk to old friends. I admitted that pain intimidated me even with a high pain tolerance. I got to see a fantastic home dungeon. I can't wait for next month's party.
The other part of the last couple of weeks have been the conversations I've had. One had been talking to me for several weeks. We appeared to be building a good rapport but then one day he said he was in a mood. I didn't understand exactly what he was meaning. He took something I said wrong, then that was all she wrote. He told me "I'm Dom, you are sub. You need to learn your place". That was the wrong things to say. That sentence doesn't go along with the statement that I'm a real Dom. Real Dom's guide, not tell or put sub's in a place. So there went that one.
Next, he approached me online and told me he was going to be at this swinger party which was one reason I went. He admitted to seeing me but didn't approach. He wanted me to put all the effort into meeting him while he didn't nothing. Then he wanted to make me feel guilty because he wasn't busy and I was. The funny thing is was always entertaining or topping or doing something. During a later conversation, he stated he was planning to attend another party and expected me to introduce myself. When I told him it was a 2-way street, he said it was on of his protocols. That didn't work for me. We were just meeting, I had no obligation to him. Just because he had designated himself as a dominant didn't mean anything to me so another one down.
Then I had a somewhat serious chat with Sir yesterday. I've been disappointed with how the relationship has developed. I had thought from earlier conversations that it would have progressed by now but almost a year later I'm still feeling lost, lonely and ignored. This the was jest of the conversation yesterday. I also shared my thoughts on poly and what I wanted in a Dominant. He was evasive and guarded to most of my questions but ask if I had the patience to try. I told him what my fear was but I think I will give it a little more time to see if things change.
I had several men email me about meeting me at the swinger party. It was funny out of the ones that email not one approached. However, I did have a good time talking and was even able to do a little dancing. But toward the end, I got tired of telling one that I wasn't playing so I decided I would just go home. I felt accomplished because I actually motivated myself to go and stayed a couple of hours.
The next party was one that is monthly and I had wanted to attend but something had always came up. I was really nervous about going but knew everything would be fine. I knew the Host and hostess plus several of the guest.
I was able to meet new people and talk to old friends. I admitted that pain intimidated me even with a high pain tolerance. I got to see a fantastic home dungeon. I can't wait for next month's party.
The other part of the last couple of weeks have been the conversations I've had. One had been talking to me for several weeks. We appeared to be building a good rapport but then one day he said he was in a mood. I didn't understand exactly what he was meaning. He took something I said wrong, then that was all she wrote. He told me "I'm Dom, you are sub. You need to learn your place". That was the wrong things to say. That sentence doesn't go along with the statement that I'm a real Dom. Real Dom's guide, not tell or put sub's in a place. So there went that one.
Next, he approached me online and told me he was going to be at this swinger party which was one reason I went. He admitted to seeing me but didn't approach. He wanted me to put all the effort into meeting him while he didn't nothing. Then he wanted to make me feel guilty because he wasn't busy and I was. The funny thing is was always entertaining or topping or doing something. During a later conversation, he stated he was planning to attend another party and expected me to introduce myself. When I told him it was a 2-way street, he said it was on of his protocols. That didn't work for me. We were just meeting, I had no obligation to him. Just because he had designated himself as a dominant didn't mean anything to me so another one down.
Then I had a somewhat serious chat with Sir yesterday. I've been disappointed with how the relationship has developed. I had thought from earlier conversations that it would have progressed by now but almost a year later I'm still feeling lost, lonely and ignored. This the was jest of the conversation yesterday. I also shared my thoughts on poly and what I wanted in a Dominant. He was evasive and guarded to most of my questions but ask if I had the patience to try. I told him what my fear was but I think I will give it a little more time to see if things change.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
My Search
Most as what are you looking for and I respond "I'm not". The search has become tiresome because it seems guys are telling me what I want to hear and apparently not what's true. This makes it hard to find good matches because everything is based on exaggerations. Then you do find someone that seems to peak your interest, appears to be honest and trustworthy but the deeper you go something always comes up and things fall apart.
Now this is the real funny part, it always seems to be my fault. I didn't email enough. I didn't approach and introduce myself. I didn't make an effort to meet. I'm too demanding when it comes to sex. I don't know my place as a submissive. I'm too busy. I've been disrespectful for stating my opinion. The list could go on.
The thing is I'm upfront and honest. I don't commit at this time because of my grandson's medical issues and I can't make a potential Dominant a priority. I've been told a real one would stand with me through these issues but I can't manage to get past the talking stage.
I have cravings and would love to apply the knowledge I have so I could grow further but I'm unable to find that person. I'm really at a loss as what to do when I'm talking and getting to know. I see it as a neutral time. Conversations are taking place, we are learning about each other. Its like a build up for when we are able to meet face to face.
I believe part of my problem are my vanilla beliefs/thoughts that haven't been replaced yet because I haven't fully experienced power exchange relationship. Another part of the problem is when people and especially your reported partners continually disappoint you. It seems everyone states trust must be earned but yet just expects you to trust them based on their words or what is written. I don't know about anyone else but I learn to trust when someone makes states then follows through. Its the little things like I'll call you in an hour but they don't call for 3 hours, it makes one think.
Now this is the real funny part, it always seems to be my fault. I didn't email enough. I didn't approach and introduce myself. I didn't make an effort to meet. I'm too demanding when it comes to sex. I don't know my place as a submissive. I'm too busy. I've been disrespectful for stating my opinion. The list could go on.
The thing is I'm upfront and honest. I don't commit at this time because of my grandson's medical issues and I can't make a potential Dominant a priority. I've been told a real one would stand with me through these issues but I can't manage to get past the talking stage.
I have cravings and would love to apply the knowledge I have so I could grow further but I'm unable to find that person. I'm really at a loss as what to do when I'm talking and getting to know. I see it as a neutral time. Conversations are taking place, we are learning about each other. Its like a build up for when we are able to meet face to face.
I believe part of my problem are my vanilla beliefs/thoughts that haven't been replaced yet because I haven't fully experienced power exchange relationship. Another part of the problem is when people and especially your reported partners continually disappoint you. It seems everyone states trust must be earned but yet just expects you to trust them based on their words or what is written. I don't know about anyone else but I learn to trust when someone makes states then follows through. Its the little things like I'll call you in an hour but they don't call for 3 hours, it makes one think.
Monday, July 8, 2013
I Know Who I Am
I know who I am, why can't others see. I'm a strong, intelligent, independent woman. I wasn't made this way, I learned so that I could survive. Now, my submissive side is so buried that I don't know if it will survive.
I've had to nurture my dominance so that I could provide for my children, work my way through college, survive 2 bad marriages and multiples bad relationships that all had agendas that wanted something from me without giving anything in return. My submission and good nature was taken advantage of because it wasn't nurtured, it was abused and neglected.
And now, after all the hurt, neglect and abuse, its no wonder I don't trust or allow anyone to get close. It seems when I begin to get comfortable and think that maybe this a person I can let in, something happens. It might be me getting nervous and picking a fight or them being over sensitive when I'm trying to be playful. But whichever, walls are built and a separation occurs. Loneliness continues.
I've had to nurture my dominance so that I could provide for my children, work my way through college, survive 2 bad marriages and multiples bad relationships that all had agendas that wanted something from me without giving anything in return. My submission and good nature was taken advantage of because it wasn't nurtured, it was abused and neglected.
And now, after all the hurt, neglect and abuse, its no wonder I don't trust or allow anyone to get close. It seems when I begin to get comfortable and think that maybe this a person I can let in, something happens. It might be me getting nervous and picking a fight or them being over sensitive when I'm trying to be playful. But whichever, walls are built and a separation occurs. Loneliness continues.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Figuring out Me
I always thought I knew who and what I was. Then there are days that I think do I really know me. Have I found me yet? I know that sounds silly but its the thought that has been going threw my head.
One thing that I really haven't spoke about is my mental health issues. Most don't seem to care but I always try to inform up front. Moods are apart of me, whether they are from the Bipolar or possible menopause that may also be occurring. The bottom line is I don't always think clearly and don't always feel secure. I think its worse since I'm single and don't really have a partner to listen to me.
I have friends both male and female who would be there if I would call but its not the same as a partner. I'm feeling better and stronger but just lonely. I don't really feel close to anyone in the lifestyle. Most of the individuals I can turn too are vanilla. They don't understand how I'm feeling. The cravings, the deep desire to submit and give control over but yet the need to feel safe and secure in this world that no longer seems safe.
My past continues to come forward. Another emailed me this week wanting again to meet just for sex. I wasn't a priority and he always chose others. I was a last option fuck. Plus I'm a little selfish, I want my needs met if his are that didn't occur with this person.
I just don't know any more. Hopefully the summer will hold some hope. I'm not going to make any plans cause I'm tired of having to cancel them due to work.
One thing that I really haven't spoke about is my mental health issues. Most don't seem to care but I always try to inform up front. Moods are apart of me, whether they are from the Bipolar or possible menopause that may also be occurring. The bottom line is I don't always think clearly and don't always feel secure. I think its worse since I'm single and don't really have a partner to listen to me.
I have friends both male and female who would be there if I would call but its not the same as a partner. I'm feeling better and stronger but just lonely. I don't really feel close to anyone in the lifestyle. Most of the individuals I can turn too are vanilla. They don't understand how I'm feeling. The cravings, the deep desire to submit and give control over but yet the need to feel safe and secure in this world that no longer seems safe.
My past continues to come forward. Another emailed me this week wanting again to meet just for sex. I wasn't a priority and he always chose others. I was a last option fuck. Plus I'm a little selfish, I want my needs met if his are that didn't occur with this person.
I just don't know any more. Hopefully the summer will hold some hope. I'm not going to make any plans cause I'm tired of having to cancel them due to work.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Lost that submissive feeling
I've been thinking that I've lost that submissive feeling. But then I thought, did I ever really get the feeling of submitting? Yes, I've been over thinking things as well as building walls to keep just about everyone out.
I've been thinking over the last several weeks and months, I've come to the realization that I have never really been able to show my submissive side which is extremely sad. I have such passion and loyalty. I have the knowledge, I only need the right situation in which to apply the knowledge that I have gained so that I can grow.
As for the walls, the past continues to haunt me. It shows me that I made a good decision to walk away because the men that I have been talking with are of such higher quality. They are patient and in control. Most aren't of a concern due to distance. Sir is close but far enough to give me the room I need. Sir continues to tell me to have patience but that is not one of my strengths.
I don't know where this journey is taking me but I'm sure it will be an experience. I might even try the Dominant hat for a minute. Inflicting pain maybe the stress relief that I need...who knows til one actually tries.
I've been thinking over the last several weeks and months, I've come to the realization that I have never really been able to show my submissive side which is extremely sad. I have such passion and loyalty. I have the knowledge, I only need the right situation in which to apply the knowledge that I have gained so that I can grow.
As for the walls, the past continues to haunt me. It shows me that I made a good decision to walk away because the men that I have been talking with are of such higher quality. They are patient and in control. Most aren't of a concern due to distance. Sir is close but far enough to give me the room I need. Sir continues to tell me to have patience but that is not one of my strengths.
I don't know where this journey is taking me but I'm sure it will be an experience. I might even try the Dominant hat for a minute. Inflicting pain maybe the stress relief that I need...who knows til one actually tries.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Disappointed
There has to be something wrong with me. I'm told I'm sexy and beautiful but apparently I'm not partner material, play or otherwise. Nothing I do seems to impress anyone. My needs, wants and fantasies go unheard. I don't make demands. I don't even ask for anything.
I had a very stressful month and just needed a simple hug, someone to hold my hand and give me a little strength. That was not to be had but I survived. This is why I don't open up to people. I have to rely on my own strength so it makes submitting hard. I have even come to the conclusion that I don't need aftercare. With me being Bipolar and re-starting meds, the meds will help with the sub drop (my roller coaster ride). Hence the ability to assist in blocking the emotion link that may be created from the touching and need to be cared for.
I depend on myself to defend my honor and protect me. Several men who conveniently forgot speaking to me approached me again. Of course, neither had memories of speaking with me or leading me on. Then others assume I'm just a piece of meat who will lay down to fuck cause I have a pussy and I guess that's what I'm suppose to do...they guessed wrong with me.
One that approached was an organizer of an event. When I didn't give an automatic yes, he stated I played games and blocked me. My comment was I didn't think I was the only one he approached. I hate not being the first choice but a last chance option. Something that is available when the man's first option is unattainable. They just don't know how it makes me feel.
Well, I'm not a piece of meat. I'm not like other women who just fucks everything that asks. I'm not 2nd, 3rd, 4th or so on option. I'm not the most beautiful. What I am is a woman who has come into her own sense of beauty and confidence. I'm intelligent and I have a sense of humor. I have knowledge of cultures and different topics. I have skills and talents that have gone unnoticed. So many are missing so much.
I had a very stressful month and just needed a simple hug, someone to hold my hand and give me a little strength. That was not to be had but I survived. This is why I don't open up to people. I have to rely on my own strength so it makes submitting hard. I have even come to the conclusion that I don't need aftercare. With me being Bipolar and re-starting meds, the meds will help with the sub drop (my roller coaster ride). Hence the ability to assist in blocking the emotion link that may be created from the touching and need to be cared for.
I depend on myself to defend my honor and protect me. Several men who conveniently forgot speaking to me approached me again. Of course, neither had memories of speaking with me or leading me on. Then others assume I'm just a piece of meat who will lay down to fuck cause I have a pussy and I guess that's what I'm suppose to do...they guessed wrong with me.
One that approached was an organizer of an event. When I didn't give an automatic yes, he stated I played games and blocked me. My comment was I didn't think I was the only one he approached. I hate not being the first choice but a last chance option. Something that is available when the man's first option is unattainable. They just don't know how it makes me feel.
Well, I'm not a piece of meat. I'm not like other women who just fucks everything that asks. I'm not 2nd, 3rd, 4th or so on option. I'm not the most beautiful. What I am is a woman who has come into her own sense of beauty and confidence. I'm intelligent and I have a sense of humor. I have knowledge of cultures and different topics. I have skills and talents that have gone unnoticed. So many are missing so much.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A Wish
If I had one wish for tonight it would be to cuddle up in bed tonight with Sir. A pillow top mattress with lots of pillows around us, soft sheets and a down comforter. Hence its a wish not to be fulfill. I'm going to bed alone in a cold bed with a quilt and comforter to eventually suffer from night sweats. Reality sure is different from our fantasy world.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Overwhelming Week
This week was the most overwhelming week I've ever had. My sister was found dead, there were a lot of drama and issues after my sister's death, my 2 youngest daughters were in the hospital for separate reasons and my car totally broke. If there was ever a time I needed my hand held it was this week but that was only a wish.
I believe this is one of the reason I will have such a hard time submitting fully. I have always been there when someone has needed me but I have had to be strong for myself. I don't know how to depend on another because no one has ever been there for me. When I go into to crisis mode, I just start doing, making phone calls, assigning tasks and making sure everything is taken care of. My needs are no longer important. My time to grieve is when I'm alone because I have to be strong when I'm with my family, I can't show them weakness. They need someone to depend on. Someone they know they can lean on and gain strength from. I wish I had someone I can gain strength from. For me, I have a great network of friends and during the summer I lay in the sun and listen to music that feeds my soul. With it being winter, I'm feeling a little lost.
Maybe I'm not meant to be a priority to anyone. To be that one person that is important to another person's life. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I know I'm not meant to be a Dominant, I don't have that desire. But maybe I'm not meant to have that one person to kneel to, to service, to love, to devote myself too and to receive the devotion in return, to be protected and cared for.
Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I should just accept the ones that say they love me even though I don't have any feelings for them. It really hasn't worked for me in the past, the relationship always end because I'm unhappy but I'm not really really happy now either. Is it better to be alone and unhappy or with someone and unhappy? Big question...
I believe this is one of the reason I will have such a hard time submitting fully. I have always been there when someone has needed me but I have had to be strong for myself. I don't know how to depend on another because no one has ever been there for me. When I go into to crisis mode, I just start doing, making phone calls, assigning tasks and making sure everything is taken care of. My needs are no longer important. My time to grieve is when I'm alone because I have to be strong when I'm with my family, I can't show them weakness. They need someone to depend on. Someone they know they can lean on and gain strength from. I wish I had someone I can gain strength from. For me, I have a great network of friends and during the summer I lay in the sun and listen to music that feeds my soul. With it being winter, I'm feeling a little lost.
Maybe I'm not meant to be a priority to anyone. To be that one person that is important to another person's life. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I know I'm not meant to be a Dominant, I don't have that desire. But maybe I'm not meant to have that one person to kneel to, to service, to love, to devote myself too and to receive the devotion in return, to be protected and cared for.
Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I should just accept the ones that say they love me even though I don't have any feelings for them. It really hasn't worked for me in the past, the relationship always end because I'm unhappy but I'm not really really happy now either. Is it better to be alone and unhappy or with someone and unhappy? Big question...
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
New Quote
"The lifting up of a woman does not require the tearing down of a man.
In fact, a strong woman appreciates a strong man. Conversely, a strong
man is not intimidated by a strong woman." ~ T.D. Jakes
Sunday, February 10, 2013
It was a Meet n Greet weekend
I attended 2 meet n greets this weekend. The first was great because a couple of friends wanted to go and shoot pool. So we went and just hung out. We were able to hang out and I was able to reconnect with old friends while making a few new ones.
Actually, I not only reconnected, I strengthened some new bonds that were in the beginning stages. Because of the meet n greet, I was able to chat with one and this person encouraged me to attend their play party. I have heard from others about this person's famous parties but have always been nervous about attending. Now a new excitement is building as I enter a new phase.
Then there was my local meet n greet. It was small with only 1 new person in attendance but it was nice to have the chance to chat and get to know this person. I was able to learn the secret of making a woman squirt. I can't wait til I get the chance to try...lol.
Actually, I not only reconnected, I strengthened some new bonds that were in the beginning stages. Because of the meet n greet, I was able to chat with one and this person encouraged me to attend their play party. I have heard from others about this person's famous parties but have always been nervous about attending. Now a new excitement is building as I enter a new phase.
Then there was my local meet n greet. It was small with only 1 new person in attendance but it was nice to have the chance to chat and get to know this person. I was able to learn the secret of making a woman squirt. I can't wait til I get the chance to try...lol.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
This Week
This past week was a rough week for me emotionally. I was on a major roller coaster ride. I can't really explain why. I can give my impressions as to why I was feeling the way I was. Some will say it was just excuses but all I know is I couldn't control how I was feeling, nor could I change it.
I'm really glad Sir wanted to see me last night. He came to my area and I was able to spend a little time with him. I wasn't very subbie. He ask me about playing pool which caused my competitive side to emerge. He told me that he had planned on spanking my ass on the table all night which didn't happen. He wanted me to believe he wasn't very good which was is what all men tend to say. But they also don't believe that girls can be good either. That isn't the case with me. I may start out slow but once I warm up, look out.
I just don't know where this involvement is going. I'm often at a loss as too what I should be or not be doing. He says I haven't upset him and he plans to keep me guessing which will only create frustration.
I've got a Valentine's Day gift in the works. I will drop it off to him after my photo shoot on Feb 13th. I do hope he likes it.
I'm really glad Sir wanted to see me last night. He came to my area and I was able to spend a little time with him. I wasn't very subbie. He ask me about playing pool which caused my competitive side to emerge. He told me that he had planned on spanking my ass on the table all night which didn't happen. He wanted me to believe he wasn't very good which was is what all men tend to say. But they also don't believe that girls can be good either. That isn't the case with me. I may start out slow but once I warm up, look out.
I just don't know where this involvement is going. I'm often at a loss as too what I should be or not be doing. He says I haven't upset him and he plans to keep me guessing which will only create frustration.
I've got a Valentine's Day gift in the works. I will drop it off to him after my photo shoot on Feb 13th. I do hope he likes it.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Getting Excited
On February 2 @ 1 pm, I'm going to be a demo dolly for a wax demo at Sexaplooza. I've never done anything this public so I'm a little nervous but yet extremely excited. I'm presently shopping for pasties and a thong.
There will be a photographer so I hope to post some pics. Keep your fingers crossed!
There will be a photographer so I hope to post some pics. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I'm not...
Yesterday, I posted something about being a difficult woman. I can honestly say I'm one of those difficult women. I'm upfront and honest when I start talking to someone new. I tell them how I'm going to react to certain situations. I'm always told by the individual that it won't be a problem, they will be able to handle it. The funny part, my moods are never handled well.
At this time, I'm maintaining control better than I have in the past. I've been a little upset because I'm feeling neglected and ignored. I don't think this is the way to nurture a potential relationship.
I re-read some recent messages from Sir which all seem positive and encouraging but my anger has taken over at this point. I've always been a wallflower and ignored. Sir hasn't ask what my needs are but I believe I have made mention within other blogs and conversations.
I ask what his needs was and he stated his desires are "simply". He doesn't realize my are much more simpler than his. At some point when I'm with him, I need to feel important and have his attention.
He one time discussed poly with me. To me, in a poly household all the women are hold at the same level. This prevents any jealousy. Each has equal time, equal play and are encouraged to get along with one another so that the household runs smoothy. Even if the individuals don't live together, the same circumstances exist so that Sir remains happy and satisfied.
I feel I'm only around to provide information. I have no other value which is so wrong. Communication has been lax and no time has really been taken to get to know me, so much has been missed. I have no doubts that I'm capable of doing whatever he needs and that includes pain.
Fear has stopped me from experimenting with pain. I have a high pain tolerance. I delivered babies with no meds. I had surgery and didn't take pain meds after the day of surgery. I always stopped pain medication after the 1st 24 hours. What I do take is over the counter, not prescription.
D/s is a two way street. If I'm submitting and meeting the needs of a Dominant than I expect my needs to be meet. Besides the ones mentioned above, I expected to be cared for and sexually satisfied.
I'm a very sexual person and that side of me has been ignored for years. Dominants seem to use it as a way to punishment. I could be doing everything right, meeting their needs but my sexual needs which is most important to me is ignored. I remain loyal to one til the relationship is done which hasn't seemed to impress anyone. Everyone prefers women that open themselves to everyone. I just don't understand, probably never will. (past experiences)
Tonight was a rambling night...I just had to get it out.
At this time, I'm maintaining control better than I have in the past. I've been a little upset because I'm feeling neglected and ignored. I don't think this is the way to nurture a potential relationship.
I re-read some recent messages from Sir which all seem positive and encouraging but my anger has taken over at this point. I've always been a wallflower and ignored. Sir hasn't ask what my needs are but I believe I have made mention within other blogs and conversations.
I ask what his needs was and he stated his desires are "simply". He doesn't realize my are much more simpler than his. At some point when I'm with him, I need to feel important and have his attention.
He one time discussed poly with me. To me, in a poly household all the women are hold at the same level. This prevents any jealousy. Each has equal time, equal play and are encouraged to get along with one another so that the household runs smoothy. Even if the individuals don't live together, the same circumstances exist so that Sir remains happy and satisfied.
I feel I'm only around to provide information. I have no other value which is so wrong. Communication has been lax and no time has really been taken to get to know me, so much has been missed. I have no doubts that I'm capable of doing whatever he needs and that includes pain.
Fear has stopped me from experimenting with pain. I have a high pain tolerance. I delivered babies with no meds. I had surgery and didn't take pain meds after the day of surgery. I always stopped pain medication after the 1st 24 hours. What I do take is over the counter, not prescription.
D/s is a two way street. If I'm submitting and meeting the needs of a Dominant than I expect my needs to be meet. Besides the ones mentioned above, I expected to be cared for and sexually satisfied.
I'm a very sexual person and that side of me has been ignored for years. Dominants seem to use it as a way to punishment. I could be doing everything right, meeting their needs but my sexual needs which is most important to me is ignored. I remain loyal to one til the relationship is done which hasn't seemed to impress anyone. Everyone prefers women that open themselves to everyone. I just don't understand, probably never will. (past experiences)
Tonight was a rambling night...I just had to get it out.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Submissive Challenge #15
New Year's Resolutions
Do you make New Year's Resolutions?
If so, what goals did you set for yourself this year? How are you doing with keeping them?
If not, why not? Do have any current goals that you are trying to achieve? How is that going?
The above questions are Submissive Guide's Blog Hop Challenge #15. I haven't answered one in awhile and since this is a new year and the question is asking about resolutions, I thought it would be a good chance to start the year off positive. So here I go.
Some of my goals are simple, at least the first is. I tell people that I missed part of my female education as I was growing up and one part has to do with fashion. My wardrobe is extremely limited due to my inability to determine what is fashionable and what looks good on me. I try things and I don't think anything looks good.
To help with this goal, I plan to have my daughter and friends go shopping with me. I also plan to buy something for myself each month to add to my closet. I don't have a large budget but if I watch for sales, I believe I can get things that mix and match which will create a number of outfits. And I can't forget accessories...lol.
My second goal is to return to following my blogs. Last year, a new job and family life caused me to be extremely busy for several months. I didn't write a blog for several months but have been able to resume that. Now I need to start reading again. The information I gained was great and I was able to learn a lot so I think I need to take Sundays to do some light reading.
Some of my goals are simple, at least the first is. I tell people that I missed part of my female education as I was growing up and one part has to do with fashion. My wardrobe is extremely limited due to my inability to determine what is fashionable and what looks good on me. I try things and I don't think anything looks good.
To help with this goal, I plan to have my daughter and friends go shopping with me. I also plan to buy something for myself each month to add to my closet. I don't have a large budget but if I watch for sales, I believe I can get things that mix and match which will create a number of outfits. And I can't forget accessories...lol.
My second goal is to return to following my blogs. Last year, a new job and family life caused me to be extremely busy for several months. I didn't write a blog for several months but have been able to resume that. Now I need to start reading again. The information I gained was great and I was able to learn a lot so I think I need to take Sundays to do some light reading.
A third goal is to try more things on my "curious about" list but also do more of the things that I have found that I like. I plan to attend more events to play with fire and electric. I also plan to make arrangements for rope sessions because I think the confinement of rope will be therapeutic. I also have more photo shoots planned. As for the "curious about", I would like to be flogged, figged, role playing and a little pain. I think most of my "curious about" will need to wait til I have a Dominant.
My fourth goal is to become more involved with my lifestyle community. I've been attending local meet n greets. But I'm also planning to attend more events periods, especially those with demos and other educational opportunities. I'm actually going to take a more active role within the community. I have volunteer to be a demo dolly at a major event, Sexaplooza. We will be doing a wax demo. I have played with wax once several years ago. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone by wearing pasties and a thong at a very public event.
Getting back to my original goal, I want to attend at least one event a quarter. I don't include my local meet n greets in the events because I plan to attend everything local.
My last goal is about finding a Dominant or play partner. I feel I need to start taking care of my cravings. I need to stop ignoring the feelings I'm having, the need to be tied/restrained. The need to explore my limits with pain. The need to be sexual fulfilled and satisfied. I have come to realize that I'm a bedroom submissive so to speak. I have the potential to be more for the right person.
My fourth goal is to become more involved with my lifestyle community. I've been attending local meet n greets. But I'm also planning to attend more events periods, especially those with demos and other educational opportunities. I'm actually going to take a more active role within the community. I have volunteer to be a demo dolly at a major event, Sexaplooza. We will be doing a wax demo. I have played with wax once several years ago. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone by wearing pasties and a thong at a very public event.
Getting back to my original goal, I want to attend at least one event a quarter. I don't include my local meet n greets in the events because I plan to attend everything local.
My last goal is about finding a Dominant or play partner. I feel I need to start taking care of my cravings. I need to stop ignoring the feelings I'm having, the need to be tied/restrained. The need to explore my limits with pain. The need to be sexual fulfilled and satisfied. I have come to realize that I'm a bedroom submissive so to speak. I have the potential to be more for the right person.
Suffering a Little Subdrop
On Friday, I technically did 2 scenes. I tried fire for the first time and played with electric as I do each time I attend an event. Minimal pain is involved but ones endorphins still get a little ramped up.
What I don't understand is why some don't consider these "real" scenes and worthy of aftercare? I believe I was still deserving of aftercare, even if it was 5 minutes of cuddling on one of the couches just to make sure my well being was ok.
Yesterday and today, I have been up and down. I have actually been in bitch mode. I've wanted to send bitchy emails but have restrained myself.
I'm not feeling comfortable about things and I want to be confrontational. I believe part is subdrop but I also believe part is sexual frustration. The two put together, especially with me, can be lethal for relationships.
What I don't understand is why some don't consider these "real" scenes and worthy of aftercare? I believe I was still deserving of aftercare, even if it was 5 minutes of cuddling on one of the couches just to make sure my well being was ok.
Yesterday and today, I have been up and down. I have actually been in bitch mode. I've wanted to send bitchy emails but have restrained myself.
I'm not feeling comfortable about things and I want to be confrontational. I believe part is subdrop but I also believe part is sexual frustration. The two put together, especially with me, can be lethal for relationships.
For Women Who Are Difficult to Love - written and performed by Warsan Shire
For Women Who Are Difficult to Love - written and performed by Warsan Shire
You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Fetish Foreplay Friday
I finally made it to another event and this is one that is ongoing. Its the 3rd Friday of each month so hopefully I will be able to attend a little more regular.
They had a demo on figging and caning which was excellent. I've read about figging and its on my curious about list so I do plan to try but not in a public setting. However, I did do one of my favorites, electric, and tried fire for the first time. Just to clarify, I did not do cupping. I don't have an appreciation for the marks that are left from cupping so its of little interest but fire wanding is a very different story. I totally fell in love. As I do electric each time I attend an event, I will also try to do fire wanding.
Fire winding was like having a massage. It is warm and relaxing. However, a talented fire person can create a little pain without damaging the skin. It didn't really hurt, just stung a little but he felt I was getting too relaxed and might fall asleep.
Most of the afternoon and evening, Sir was unsure if he was going to attend and still couldn't say for sure at the time that I entered. I had watched for him for a little while but resolved myself that he wouldn't be showing. Then as I waited at the violent wand station, I looked around for another friend and I thought I show him but I was unsure. He hadn't approached so I didn't know and he hadn't text or called to see where I was. I decided to walk up and see. He thought I was trying to sneak up on him when I was actually in shock.
I was disappointed at the end of the evening. I was hoping that he would invite me to a play session but that didn't happen. I guess it was better that I didn't. I had a hard time staying awake the last 20 miles which is usually the case.
They had a demo on figging and caning which was excellent. I've read about figging and its on my curious about list so I do plan to try but not in a public setting. However, I did do one of my favorites, electric, and tried fire for the first time. Just to clarify, I did not do cupping. I don't have an appreciation for the marks that are left from cupping so its of little interest but fire wanding is a very different story. I totally fell in love. As I do electric each time I attend an event, I will also try to do fire wanding.
Fire winding was like having a massage. It is warm and relaxing. However, a talented fire person can create a little pain without damaging the skin. It didn't really hurt, just stung a little but he felt I was getting too relaxed and might fall asleep.
Most of the afternoon and evening, Sir was unsure if he was going to attend and still couldn't say for sure at the time that I entered. I had watched for him for a little while but resolved myself that he wouldn't be showing. Then as I waited at the violent wand station, I looked around for another friend and I thought I show him but I was unsure. He hadn't approached so I didn't know and he hadn't text or called to see where I was. I decided to walk up and see. He thought I was trying to sneak up on him when I was actually in shock.
I was disappointed at the end of the evening. I was hoping that he would invite me to a play session but that didn't happen. I guess it was better that I didn't. I had a hard time staying awake the last 20 miles which is usually the case.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Feeling a little Negative
I've been majorly off this week. By that I mean emotionally which has caused me to perceive things differently than they were probably meant. I've over thought other things and my insecurities have been heighten.
Most don't speak about mental health issues but they do exist in me and do create issues at times. I was diagnosis Bipolar almost 15 years. Then 7 years ago on the 21st, I suffered a traumatic experience at a previous work location that continues to bring on symptoms of PTSD around the anniversary of the event. This really doesn't help my original diagnosis. Of course, I also have the dreaded menopause occurring so apparently I'm doomed for a period.
Then I have my most hated holiday coming up...Valentine's Day. I have faced so many alone that I should be use to it. I use to have hope that I would one day have a partner to share the day with but in the last couple of years I have totally given up. I actually don't enjoy any holiday but Valentine's Day is the worse.
Most don't speak about mental health issues but they do exist in me and do create issues at times. I was diagnosis Bipolar almost 15 years. Then 7 years ago on the 21st, I suffered a traumatic experience at a previous work location that continues to bring on symptoms of PTSD around the anniversary of the event. This really doesn't help my original diagnosis. Of course, I also have the dreaded menopause occurring so apparently I'm doomed for a period.
Then I have my most hated holiday coming up...Valentine's Day. I have faced so many alone that I should be use to it. I use to have hope that I would one day have a partner to share the day with but in the last couple of years I have totally given up. I actually don't enjoy any holiday but Valentine's Day is the worse.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Starting 2013 Out Good
I think 2013 is going to be a very good year. I went to my first meet n greet the first Saturday of the year. It might of been small in number but we are getting to know each other and that is what counts. We are building bonds and networking which is the intent.
Last night I met the Dominant that I've been somewhat seeing. It was short but nice. We again had some time to sit and chat allowing us to get to know each other a little better. Then this morning I went to the first ever local munch brunch. I'm so glad I went.
During breakfast, we were discussing Sexaplooza which is a local event that has ask for volunteers. Myself and another has volunteered but didn't know exactly what activity we were going to do til our discussion. Now we are going to do a wax demo. The details need to be worked out but it does sound so fun and I'm excited.
I think I've been going through a little sub frenzy. I thought I had found a Dominant to build a relationship but I came to the realization today that it was my dream, maybe more of a delusion than anything. I just have a need for physical play, to be desired sexually, to be seen as an intelligent person and to be owned/to have a sense of belonging. I wish my true submissive side could come out instead of my dominant, bitchy side.
Last night I met the Dominant that I've been somewhat seeing. It was short but nice. We again had some time to sit and chat allowing us to get to know each other a little better. Then this morning I went to the first ever local munch brunch. I'm so glad I went.
During breakfast, we were discussing Sexaplooza which is a local event that has ask for volunteers. Myself and another has volunteered but didn't know exactly what activity we were going to do til our discussion. Now we are going to do a wax demo. The details need to be worked out but it does sound so fun and I'm excited.
I think I've been going through a little sub frenzy. I thought I had found a Dominant to build a relationship but I came to the realization today that it was my dream, maybe more of a delusion than anything. I just have a need for physical play, to be desired sexually, to be seen as an intelligent person and to be owned/to have a sense of belonging. I wish my true submissive side could come out instead of my dominant, bitchy side.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Started out to be Fantasies but ended up being Goals
I was talking to Sir about fantasies and thought it would be better to write a blog. There were just too many to type in a text or to talk about on the phone. Writing an email might be a little more private but at least this way I can track what we do. He doesn't mind me writing. I think he actually likes giving me reasons to write...lol. He also reads them which totally excites me.
I was extremely disappointed that I had to decline another meeting with Sir. Mother Nature affected me in two different ways...1) the weather was horrible. My county was again a level one which meant the roads were bad for New Year's Eve. And 2) I started my period on Sunday. It seems like I'm either oncall or on my period when he wants to play. There are times I want to ask if we can play but I'm afraid of being rejected.
I've been so conditioned not to ask for anything, I just don't. When I was younger, I was told "no" for one reason or another. As I got older the pattern continued, not only with family members but with husbands and partners, so I just got to the point that I either got it myself or did without. This included sex. I remember laying beside partners craving and needing to be satisfied and being told "no".
I'm actually a little hesitate about talking about my fantasies also. I've had this conversation several times and I have still to have a full fantasy fulfilled. I've had parts here and there but something always seems to happen. So I think apart of me has given up that they will ever become reality.
Consensual non-consent has always been an interested area. I really don't know why, I think partly because I don't want to give control but I want it taken to an extent. I love to wrestle and it gets me so hot. Plus I'm able to feel my partner's strength which gives me a level of security.
Thinking of strength, I keep thinking of Sir's strength. I felt his during our play session when he grabbed the rope in the front and pulled me to my feet. That excited me within my already heightened state but my mind keeps bringing me back to that moment.
In this new year I hope to try role playing, a strap on both receiving and giving, sharing a double headed dildo and improving my oral skills on a female. I think this blog was more about my goals than fantasies.
I have always thought that if I was pissed the right person/man could convert that anger to passion with the right touch, the right phrase, the right kiss and a lot of patience. I have the tendency to be impulsive and I want someone that isn't afraid to stand up to me. Most will say they care but will let me do stupid things that could result in me being harmed, I want someone to stand up to me and mean it because when I'm pissed rationality goes out the window. I don't care about my safety, I don't care about anything at this point.
I want to be pinned against a wall while struggling. I want my neck kissed while my clothes are being removed. I want my breast fondled and my pussy fingered. If my struggling is too much, I want to be tied down so that access will be unimpeded. I want my senses overwhelmed.
I was extremely disappointed that I had to decline another meeting with Sir. Mother Nature affected me in two different ways...1) the weather was horrible. My county was again a level one which meant the roads were bad for New Year's Eve. And 2) I started my period on Sunday. It seems like I'm either oncall or on my period when he wants to play. There are times I want to ask if we can play but I'm afraid of being rejected.
I've been so conditioned not to ask for anything, I just don't. When I was younger, I was told "no" for one reason or another. As I got older the pattern continued, not only with family members but with husbands and partners, so I just got to the point that I either got it myself or did without. This included sex. I remember laying beside partners craving and needing to be satisfied and being told "no".
I'm actually a little hesitate about talking about my fantasies also. I've had this conversation several times and I have still to have a full fantasy fulfilled. I've had parts here and there but something always seems to happen. So I think apart of me has given up that they will ever become reality.
Consensual non-consent has always been an interested area. I really don't know why, I think partly because I don't want to give control but I want it taken to an extent. I love to wrestle and it gets me so hot. Plus I'm able to feel my partner's strength which gives me a level of security.
Thinking of strength, I keep thinking of Sir's strength. I felt his during our play session when he grabbed the rope in the front and pulled me to my feet. That excited me within my already heightened state but my mind keeps bringing me back to that moment.
In this new year I hope to try role playing, a strap on both receiving and giving, sharing a double headed dildo and improving my oral skills on a female. I think this blog was more about my goals than fantasies.
I have always thought that if I was pissed the right person/man could convert that anger to passion with the right touch, the right phrase, the right kiss and a lot of patience. I have the tendency to be impulsive and I want someone that isn't afraid to stand up to me. Most will say they care but will let me do stupid things that could result in me being harmed, I want someone to stand up to me and mean it because when I'm pissed rationality goes out the window. I don't care about my safety, I don't care about anything at this point.
I want to be pinned against a wall while struggling. I want my neck kissed while my clothes are being removed. I want my breast fondled and my pussy fingered. If my struggling is too much, I want to be tied down so that access will be unimpeded. I want my senses overwhelmed.
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