Perfect quote

I found this quote in a group on Fetlife which is extremely telling...the author is unknown:

"It means nothing to dominate the weak....it's is a badge of honor to dominate the strong.... Show me a strong, confident and assertive woman who kneels submisselely at your feet ...and I'll show you a slave worth owning"

Appears Clear

I've been thinking about the comment that dancingbarez posted on my last blog..."You are doing the right thing in not responding. Just know it may be hard to keep quite on your end but it is probably driving her crazy." And I believe that she is correct, I am driving her crazy.

My stalker is so insanely jealous and insecure that when ever she argues with S, she believes he is running to me. The funny thing is he is thinking about me. Since I was the one that started his toy bag, he thinks of me when he is playing with her. Whatever he is doing to her, he did to me first and she knows this. Another thing that is bothering her is when he gears up to ride his bike, he will think of me. I made him look good with his gear for Christmas.

They both knows that I did more for him then she ever will. I didn't control him or encourage bad behavior. I didn't need him to come to my rescue. I had began to teach him to feel emotions and show those emotions on a certain level. I made no demands or requests, just provide information and support.

What she doesn't know is that those serious in this lifestyle won't put up with her bad behaviors. They won't tolerate her inappropriate rants that are considered 'bullying", I consider stalking. That my actions and lack of response show my maturity and intelligence, something she has already proved to be lacking.

I don't need to lie, there is no reason. I don't need to pursue a man, I have enough seeking me. I choose who to spend time with, I don't have to manipulate. I have standards and needs. If they aren't being met, my choice is to walk away because I deserve better.

It all seems so simple but took a lot to come too. I believe things are falling into place and who knows when that right person will appear

Damn

Just when I thought my stalker had gotten the message and I would be able to move on, she has again attempted to start drama. I rejoined a group on Fetlife and responded. Nothing to do with her but she had to make it about her.

I responded to "DO BISEXUAL WOMEN LOVE/HATE TO SHARE THEIR GUY WITH OTHER WOMEN?" My response was "I think it depends on the honesty of your partner. When I was in vanilla relationships and it was suppose to be monogamous, I didn't want to share that wasn't the point. But now that I have been exploring poly relationships, I have a different perspective. I have enjoyed watching my partner have sex with other women and see both of being satisfied.

I also must say that in the poly relationships that I have been able to observe, both are permitted to have other involvements. But prior to the involvements, the primaries are aware of the potential involvements and have agreed with the person. It really is all about communication and trust if you plan to share one another."

Very bland and from my past experiences. But she had to post this "whytechocolate: about 8 hours ago : Trust honesty both are important in or out of a relationship.but being very selective in picking the third is also very important.because some get so obsessed they will do watever it takes to sabotage because their life us so pathetic and they want wat another has. They will lie on the other person but the truth always comes out. And karma bites. So deff take some time to get to know the other on ur own first. I'm so. Excited I think I've found the perfect long term third for Uus. Next I want to find a fourth cuz damn He can sure handle it"

I guess she has nothing better to do than attempt to get start drama. The funny thing is Karma hasn't bit me in the ass as she has assumed. But it has her. I believe what she has posted is nothing more than a lie posted in an effort to hurt me. She is speaking more about herself in this mini rant than me. She doesn't know what is going on between me and S so she is attempting to provoke me. She is probably fighting with him so she wanted me to fight with him also. This chapter is going to be a mystery for her...lmao.

Oh...I didn't respond to the post because I don't want to be inappropriate as she is so I again emailed the group owner. Hopefully, she will be banned from the group since she continues to just want to start drama. She doesn't understand that most don't like drama, they actually want to learn and experience.

Rant

I'm not feeling good. I have a tooth that is killing me and I started my period. Either of these things could be causing my headache and negative mood.

Ok...now to my rant. In my city, an individual is setting up for a meet and greet. From my conversations, several have been getting together on the regular but now have expanded to Fetlife. Now the person attempting to do this is young but I get the feeling that she is extremely ashamed of who she is.

She has ask for ideas for locations twice in a thread in a local group on Fetlife. I have offered viable suggestions each time only to receive a response back, thank you but no thank you. The first time I suggested having a play party at the local swing club. But she knows that person who owns the club who knows her family and she doesn't want people to know about her lifestyle. However, if I set something up, she would attend.

Again today she as for suggestions as for locations for a meet and greet. I suggested Denny's for a munch and BW3 for a meet and greet. The response back was they were both "too public". When I questioned that she responded she didn't want to go anywhere that children could be. She also stated as a mother, she didn't want to hold anything where children could be. Also the group didn't want pics taken and some didn't want their name out there because of their professions. I'm totally confused on this and have replied back through email several times. I don't understand what have a munch or meet-n-greet in a public place, vanilla setting, has to do with acknowledging what we are or like. I thought that the purpose of the vanilla activities were so people could get to know each other, people that think a like and enjoy some of the same activities.

I see her as putting up road blocks when it isn't necessary. No one will be wearing a banner stating "I'm a freak...come beat me". I think everyone values their privacy but also values getting to know others who are similar.

Maybe I'm just to cranky and should have avoided the internet today. But if someone ask for suggestions, should they consider it instead of just shooting it down.

Those around us

I've been thinking that the people that we have around us are a reflections of us and our values. This doesn't just apply to our vanilla life but all aspects of our lives especially within the lifestyle.

When your new to the lifestyle, the information available could be shocking and overwhelming. But when you have a chance to observe interactions/play and chat with people, you find it isn't as shocking and trust is primary. So you look for people that have the same values as you and hopefully they will provide you with some valuable information.

I had a friend that was new to the lifestyle. Actually loosely feeling his way through. His reported sub continued to encourage him to be mentored by those individuals that she had an appreciation for. I encouraged him to look toward the leaders of the community for information, not those loosely associated. I also stated since her character was in question, she had a history to repeat negative behaviors like lying and stealing, he should avoid those that she suggested. Something along the lines of guilt by association. That probably wasn't correct since everyone should be taken at face value but when several with questionable characters are all associated then some serious questions arise.

Now that I'm again looking for a Dominant, this is all coming into play. I want to find someone the has knowledge, a skill set and is able to put it all together. I also want him to see me as a person and give me respect as I will give him. Our roles are different but when they are in harmony, its a beautifully, decorated two way street.

Fear of taking the next step

I've been speaking with a vanilla guy who seems to have a freak side. He has wanted me to have sex but I'm a little timid of actually becoming involved. I've never really had this problem, I'm always been a little hesitate especially when meeting the person for the first time. And yes I believe in having sex on the first date or meeting, need to know if its good or no need to come back.

I've always been self conscious and doubtful about my abilities, but with my last involvement those feelings are intensified. I keep thinking of his words which he said were out of anger and the actions that proceed those words, I can't get them out of my mind.

I don't want to be hurt and I'm attempting to put walls up but I am still resistant to meeting another because of questions. He is calling me "Beautiful" because he believes it or to make me feel good so I will meet him? Is he a player, he states not? Does he have an alternative agenda? What if we meet face to face and he really don't like me? Will he be honest or will he continue to lie to me? So many questions, how do I take the next step?

Driving...Thinking

Today as I was driving to pick my daughter up to take her to Children's Hospital where her son was having emergency surgery I thought..."Wow, I might not make a good submiss" This thought popped in my head because I thought back about a Fetlife thread where someone commented that a sub was not good considered good if she didn't put her Dominate first in everything.

I have always put my children as a priority. When I have a partner, I place him at the same level as my children. However, I'm very up front with anyone entering my life "My children are a priority. If they call, I'm gone". I have made that statement to employers and the educational system. This type of priority also extents to my grandchildren. They do carry my DNA so they belong to me also.

I must admit, all that I have been involved with has understood this. They actually feel the same way. If I had a Dominate or Owner, I would feel the same way for their family. If they called, I would do what I could. I hope this would show my respect and devotion to Sir.

One thing about me, I take care of those important to me. My children especially but the rest of my family isn't excluded. Just on a different level.

Valentine's Day

I didn't really say Happy Valentine's Day to many because it just isn't a favored holiday. I gave up hope that it ever would be a long time ago. The best part of this day is my beautiful granddaughter's birthday.

It's really a couples holiday but when I had the kids at home it needed to be special for them. I didn't celebrate by giving candy. I bought books and when they turned to teenagers, it was gift cards for CDs or videos. But now I don't have them at home so there really isn't a need to make it special.

I do see my children carrying on what I started with their children. Of course there is always a birthday party. But instead of giving tons of chocolate, they buy clothes and DVDs. They also don't forget their mama. I received 3 tops and a pair of shoes as my Valentine's gifts.

I have been married during this holiday in the past but my husbands never felt the need to make me feel special. I have learned to accept that so today was about my babies and grandbabies.

I had lunch with 2 of my daughters and 2 grandbabies. Then stopped to see my Valentine's baby and her sister. As I had walked in, I was told that they needed to re-light the candle because my baby was so quick to blow out the candle and rip open her gifts that no one got any pictures. So I was there for the relighting and managed to snap off a couple of pics which I promptly posted to Facebook.

Not really anything to do with my submission or kink but it was a very good day. That's all that is important.

Struggling...just a little

There are just so many songs out at this time that reminds me of the fool I was. Of course, being depressed isn't helping. Songs like Jar of Hearts, Impossible and even the hits by Adele like Set Fire to the Rain.

In the last 6 years, my relationships have been very deceitful. With Lamont, I was looking for someone to give me attention and love me. He told me he was tired of the life he was leading and wanted something more stable. In the end it was the exact opposite. He felt women were his toys and they all owed him something. He was very smooth and could make you believe anything...time and time again. I stuck around with him cause I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. The sex was great but finally the lies and all the other women just got to be too much.

Then there was B. Of course, he had an agenda but just failed to inform me. My whole relationship with him was to lure me away from Lamont. He was sent to me by one of Lamont's involvements. When he presented into my life, I had decided I was going to explore and find me. I was still injured from my ordeal with Lamont and of course looking for love. Sadly, I started to see the same pattern with B as with Lamont and all those hurt and neglected feelings surfaced.

The tattle tale pattern is not answering calls, not responding to texts, having a lot of women on their various social networking pages thanking them for no reason, according to the male.

And of course, in my case, repeatedly being told I'm crazy for demanding them act as they had said they would. They also told the other women involved that I was psycho and pursuing them. The real funny part is when I proved the opposite was true, they continued to believe the lies. I was drama for telling the truth.

Because of B and my desire to learn about this lifestyle, I made a bad decision. I wanted to prove to someone that I was able to be domestic which equaled to me at the time being submissive. I jumped at a chance to enter a household as a slave. I'm not a slave but I wanted to prove I could do things well and I wanted to experience the physical side of BDSM play. I'm still in touch with the female but I think I lost a friendship of the Dominate. He had a lot of good ideologies and it would have been better if we could have just been play partners for a time.

After these relationships, I retreated home to isolate myself. I continued my research and reading with a fever. I fell in love with some erotica that was wrote by some Dominants here on blogger.com. I had desires to be the sub or slave they were writing about. I gained a better understanding of what I wanted and needed.

I also began to step out and go to munches and events. I wanted to become involved in the community. I thought this would be the safest thing. I made several friends who were friendly, encouraging and willing to answer those questions that I had been afraid to ask in other places.

Now comes my most recent involvement. I was invited to do a 3sum. I had been unsatisfied with my previous 3sum. I wanted a bi-female that could teach me and help with this exploration. However, this female only became jealous and had attitude. She wasn't bi and had no experience with another woman. For that fact, I had more than she. She didn't want to kiss or touch me even when her partner had a desire for more girl on girl action.

We had a great night and got some great pics. When I spoke to her about borrowing him, she took offense. She came up with a rules from no where. During the evening, she bragged about her other involvements stating her partner always knew prior. However, she let it slip that he didn't always give prior approval. Oh, when I wanted to borrow him I had every intention of her being present but she didn't hear that. She wanted him to bring partners home for her but when he wanted me it wasn't allowed.

He wanted to continue to see me and even got my number from her phone. I just wanted sex and didn't want anything deep or long term. I have a family situation that puts my life on hold. We continued to see each other and spent time together. We talked 15 times a day. I knew what was going on with him and he with me.

He said he was different but in truth he wasn't. When he told me about things in his life, I wanted to help and did. Then he wanted me around more and more. However, she didn't take well to that. He wanted to learn about being a Dominant. He stated he had ask her several times and she always put him off. I thought "wow...someone that I could share information and learn with". I thought it was the best of both worlds.

We began discussing different aspects. I was in a LDR D/s relationship and was given different task. S was more than willing to help with those task. However, those negative feelings began to re-appear. I attempted to talk to him but he continued to state his situations were the only thing he could think about.

I sorta started to ramble but I think I needed to get what I was feeling out. Recently S stated to me he wanted to see him. He felt if he could talk to me, he could help me process my hurt and hostile feelings. I don't think that is possible because he is the one that has created those hurt and hostile feelings.

In all these relationships, I was hidden but told I was important. Actually, they were extreme selfish and only looked at what was going on with them. I don't know why I have attracted this type of needy men. They claim to be aggressive but are only out to satisfy their own needs by any means. The relationship is strictly on their time with no true interest in their reported partners.

All 3 of these men had multiple women. The first two lied about their many involvements and claimed they only were involved with me. However, the third was honest in that aspect but lied about everything else. In the end, he did the most damage. He made statements in a effort to hurt which hit me at the core only to say he said it out of anger.

I do have several male friends that are long distance but have always been there for me. One I have met face to face, but the other 2 have only been online, textin and phone calls. We all have a love for each other and feel secure enough to state it with sincerity. I hope to meet the other two someday. They are the ones that will be there to hold my hand during a crisis, not the superficial relationships based on needs of the men being met or sex. Its just a shame that one of these men didn't live closer but I'm still grateful they are in my life.

I guess what I'm struggling with is being gullible and naive to a certain extent. Also when I'm at low points in my life, I need attention, comfort and strength to help me continue with life circumstances. I expect back what I give, no more, no less. I continue to have the hope that the man will see the person and take the time to truly know me, not go by what everyone else is saying.

I needed to get that out...Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent. Let the fun, learning and growth begin.

Today's Horoscope

This is my horoscope that was posted to my page on facebook.

"You will find yourself wrapped up in someone else's social melodrama if you are not careful. Gossip is the road to ruin for you right now. Remember the old clich�, mom used to say, if you can't say anything nice, then keep your big mouth shut."

Since I have my stalker who is still attempting to provoke me, I should probably use the day to watch movies. Currently watching Underworld 3 to prepare for the release of Underworld 4 next week...woohoo!

Getting Burnt

I'm so excited. I see the person that has offered to set me a fire is attending a play party in March. I thought I was going to have to wait to May but it appears I won't.

She was at the play party that I attended in November. I watched her do another scene and both were willing to answer questions. I was fascinated with fire play and had actually gained the courage to ask for a scene. But that wasn't the night for it. She had ran out of alcohol but promised to do a scene the next time we were in the same place.

I was looking at events and noticed she plans to attend the one in March. I was thinking of attending all day education event in another city but I have decided to remain in Columbus so I can do my fire scene. I think it will be so relaxing. I really can't wait.

You can't keep a Man

Over the last few years I have heard "you can't keep a man" not only from females who were seeing that same man as me but from those men. The funny thing is I'm the one that has walked away.

As in all my relationships if I'm feeling unhappy, I try to talk with my partner so that we can work things out. As to date, they have failed to listen so I'm single. When your in a relationship, you shouldn't have negative feelings. Things should be positive, upbeat and open. At least that is the dream I have, it has yet to be reality. Within each relationship, these feelings have existed but just haven't lasted. The negative have always won out. So when this statement made I laugh because I know the truth.

I'm not looking to except just any man to be my partner, my Dominant, to Master me; I'm looking for a man that completes me, brings out the best in me. So in reality, I'm not looking to "keep a man", I'm looking to be a partner. Relationships are enough work but "keeping" goes above that. Plus if he doesn't want to stay, I don't want him.

Eros Gathering

This evening I went to a great gathering. Dan and Dawn who do a lot of presentations have been told that there is a need for sacred sexuality to be revisited in the local community so they have set in progress.

Tonight was a brief over view of what sacred sexuality is and what it is to our presenters. There are so many different aspects that its up to the individual to develop the path best suited for them. You learn and apply to your life.

One aspect is healing. It helps the individual to develop possible rituals to recognize and release negative energy with the use of different tools. One such tool is BDSM. Others are through touch, being mindful and recognizing anchors, both negative and positive. Being sexual doesn't have to be the physical act of penetration, it can be so much more.

Our homework assignment is to go somewhere and eat. While eating, we are to really concentrate on the taste.

I'm hoping this will help me truly heal from all the past negative relationships. With healing, I will be more receptive to learning and growing. I also believe that this series will help assist me in focusing on me and not all the others that I have in the past.

Continued to be Amazed

I knew i was coming up on my two year anniversary of this blog. But what amazes me most is how many blogs that I have wrote and the number of followers that I have.

I started the blog to improve communication within my long distance relationship. When that relationship failed, I used the blog to process what I was learning and observing. I've been criticized for being one sided but isn't that the purpose of an individual's blog to write their perceptions of what is occurring. I have no intention of using MY blog as a battle zone when another wishes to create drama. I'm sure, in general, everyone understands.

When I first started writing this blog, I wondered if I would be understood. Sometimes when my mind races, I'm unable to write my thoughts clearly for others. I know what I'm saying but I, at times, have a hard time expressing them with clarity. From the comments, there haven't been any problems.

I think in the two years, I have increased my understanding of the lifestyle. My writing skills have also improved.

In the next year, I have a lot of events planned so I will have lots to write about. The GRUE is coming to my area which looks to be absolutely fantastic. Two local groups are planning an event, Power Exchange Summit which is also filled with education and play. I have a lot of exploration planned.

Also, I'm planning my first public scene. I've discussed the scene with Sir who I originally explored various sensations. I trust him and I know he is experienced enough to know when things might be wrong. This will be strictly play but at least I don't have to fear for my safety. As for the scene, it will have ropes and possibly flogging. He knows how I love ropes but I want to be flogged by an experienced flogging. Since he does demos on both, I can rest easy and know I'm in capable hands.

Domestic Service

Of course the thinking continues. I'm trying to get idea of what my next learning steps are and where I want them to lead me.

I believe I'm extremely capably in the domestic area. My ex play partner would need to agree with that. He even came to the point that he expected me to provide this service when I presented to his home. His room would be a mess with laundry every where, not a thing put in its place. He would talk about needing to clean his room but never seemed to get around to it. So my first task would always be to sort his laundry and pre-treat some. He always complained about his reported sub's inability to do laundry and how she ruined his clothes. I was, however, able to save several of his favorite shirts that he thought was ruined.

I would also fix dinner and serve him. I even became aware of what his likes and dislikes were when it came to food. I would be able to order him something from take out and he wouldn't have no complaints. But this was something I was able to do with all my ex partners.

I know what it takes to clean a house and take care of another. I want to concentrate more on personal service. The actual interaction between a Dominant and submissive and how he wants to be served.

Limits

I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of things but the one thing that has caught my mind today is limits. I read a thread on where a female was talking about her Sir violating one of her hard limits. She stated her hard limit was his having one on one involvements with other women. This was in accordance to their relationship, not a scene. Could she have been confusing the difference between vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with that of D/s in the lifestyle?

According to Wikipedia.org, the definition of limits is a reference “to those activities that participants in a BDSM scene feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid”. Albanypowerexchange.com states “In BDSM, limits are any kind of boundary or restriction placed on one or both partners. They can be physical (e.g., a bad knee or back might make certain types of bondage unsafe), mental or emotional (e.g., something that triggers a phobia or recalls a past trauma), or experiential (anything that one partner just isn't ready for yet).” In both definitions, limits are in reference to activities with in a scene, not that of the actual relationship. Both appear to be in reference to the physical side of play, not the day to day. 

I’m finding that most newbies don’t take the time or the effort to truly research what they are pursuing. When they do find information, they don’t quite understand the dynamics which appears to create issues with their ongoing relationships and potential new ones. Those that are successful with D/s and M/s relationships have taken the time to read, learn and observe. Do newbies try to jump into things to fast or for the wrong reasons?

Revelations

Its amazing how things just come to you and they seem so clear. I've been thinking for a long time...what do I want? Where do I want my submissiveness to lead me? I think I'm part way to discovering what I want.

I'm looking for a Dominant man who has definition, loyalty, respect and can appreciate what is given. He doesn't take advantage and is able to provide true guidance. Oh, he will have skills in my areas of interest like sensual domination. But I will be willing to explore his areas of interest, this is the two way street of a perfect relationship. I'm aware that I may not like or have an interest but will be willing to participate because it pleases him.

I want a long term relationship but I'm also aware that it may not happen today or tomorrow. It also may not happen in a month or a year. So during this time, I will explore, define and grow into the submissive, possible slave, that will be able to maintain a loving, permanent relationship. Yes, I said possible slave because with the right person, I will give willing my heart, soul and mind. But til that person presents, I will arrange scenes that will help me reach my goal.

Speaking of scenes, I'm in the process of planning a couple which includes my first public scene. I'm in negotiations with a Dominate that I have played with in the past and who I trust will care for me in all aspects.

My final revelation is I don't want to be pursued just for sex. I'm want Tops/Dominates that have an interest in the lifestyle, not just "I'm a Dominate...I want to have sex". This is a great change for me since in the last couple of years, sex has been a priority. If the result of the scene includes sexual satisfaction for both, that's great but sex not a necessity.