2011

I just realized that I haven't wrote anything in 2011 which is kinda of usual. I try to write something but just haven't managed to and here its the end of February. A lot has happened in these first two months and me not write. Well I will try and update what has been happening with me.

I have met several potential Doms. I have been talking to several which I have discussed in previous blogs. I have also been talking to a couple of new ones. I believe I have found a potential person to help take me to the next level which I'm anxious to experience but I have my doubts that this is the person I will remain with. I still have a vision of being owned by a man that will make me the primary. I actually want to be married, owned and collared. Most that I speak with already have a primary that they are married too or intend on marrying. So I see these individuals as friends, teachers and play partners.

Something else I have noticed is most want to change or tame me. They don't want to accept me for me which has some good qualities. I want someone to accept me and help me to become what I have the potential to be, not change me and make me what they want.

In January, I began talking to a Dom that made me more and more uncomfortable as we went though the getting to know process. He didn't speak about the things that I was interested, in even though his Fetlife profile indicted we might be compatible in several areas. He only focused on controlling my sex life. He wanted me to participate in gangbangs which would have been a new experience but not one that I ever thought I wanted to do. I agreed to try. We discussed attending a party together and he stated he wanted me to do 20-30 dicks in the weekend. This was extreme to me. He also stated he would decide which hole they would use. I have always been particular on who I chose to have sex with and even more particular with who had access to use my ass.

Another area that made me uncomfortable was he appeared to only want to humiliate and degrade me. I told him that these were areas I didn't do well. I have began to accept slut and have always accepted bitch but he wanted to call me whore and pig. I didn't say anything about whore but pig stepped over a boundary. In my opinion, he really wasn't interested in BBWs but for some reason he pursued me. Instead of accepting me and my body, he wanted to degrade me, change me. He wanted me to loose 10 pounds before we met. That wasn't a problem but I explained that I have trouble loosing. I have been trying to change my eating habits for some time and was attempting to exercise more.

The bottom line, he made me feel like he only wanted to use my submissiveness to make money. He stated he wanted me to take 5 to 10 dicks daily. In a D/s relationship, what does me taking 5 to 10 daily have to do with servicing him? In my mind it doesn't. My service would have been on my back to produce him an income.

I tried several times to say I was done. The first time he called me a pig. He said I should consider it an honor. I continued the "getting to know" period, hoping he would hear what I was saying about what I wanted and needed. However, he didn't.

The last straw was when I sent him a picture of me out with friends. He ask me about my friend stating she was do-able. I was something to be given away or thrown away only to be used to make him money. He even shared my private pics that I had sent him. He stated his people were anxious to get into my pussy.

He just made me uncomfortable. He wanted me to be something I wasn't. I don't sleep with just everybody and I have my reasons. So finally I pissed him off enough to stop talking to me all together. I actually thought when I said "peace out", he knew it was over. I hadn't spoken with him in over a week when he sent me a request to view me on cam. He didn't like that I took my bra off and someone else was viewing. So I guess since he said good bye, its finally over...woohoo!!!!

Ok...now on to the person that I believe will take me to the next level, V. He seems to be kind and understanding. We have had discussions about my limited experiences and where I would like to go. I have also told him about my disappointments. He is older as the others were younger. I told him all the bad stuff and he responds "bring it on". He says he wants to introduce me to pain and pleasure. I believe he wants to enlighten me to the pleasure in pain. He has stated several times "and why aren't you owned". This makes me feel good that someone is accepting me for me. I believe he wishes to help mold me, help me develop to my fullest potential as a submissive.

I'm still chatting with M but distance prevents us from becoming involved. He is another that I believe would be good for me and would be able to help me develop but again distance is an issue.

I still communicate with G but he doesn't want to move further. He wants control but doesn't want to meet me in real life. He doesn't want to move to the next level. He wants to continue to be long distance on-line D/s relationship. This isn't what I want. I want a fully interactive D/s relationship. It can be LDR but we have to be some face to face personal time.

At times, he seems to be jealous and hurt but I have begged him to allow me to visit. To take our interaction to the next step, physical involvement. He states he loves me but its only words with no action. His statements of love don't provide me with comfort. He doesn't provide any real guidance which is what I want and need at times. So I have made to decision to move on and find what I need but a future with him doesn't appear to exist.

I do believe this will be a very exciting year. I look forward to learning and seeing where this all takes me.