Wondering

It seems my thoughts are ever changing, just as the Ohio weather. I become upset which of course brings out my totally bratty behavior. In my mind, I'm determined to walk away but always picks up the phone when the person I'm angry with calls. But with each incident, trust is whittled away. The friendship is damaged and desires are weakened. My partners don't listen or choose to ignore me until its too late. They always attempt to regain what was so freely given without realization of the damage. They just don't want to see the end is near.

During this process, I attempt to know the person so that I can meet their needs. But not one takes the time to truelly listen to my wants or needs. They never get to know me and actually miss out on the best part. I'm talking about my desire to satisfy, to love and be loved. They have all ignored the key word in Power Exchange...EXCHANGE!

In a D/s relationship, there is a give and take. When this is ignored or forgotten, the relationship is doomed to fail. Both parties involved must be satisfied and cared for so each can see success.

All this leads me to wonder if there is a Dominate out there for me? One that will take the time to really know me and see my value. One that will help provide me with that true and meaningful purpose that I stride to achieve? At this point, I'm extremely doubtful. I feel as if my value will always be wasted.

Problem Solved?

I think a temporary solution to my stalker has come to light. I attempt to ignore her "look at me...look how I have been wronged" posts. But when others, unknowing of the type of person she is, began posting "I'm sorry you had a bad experience", I began responding.

After responding, I thought it was good. The confrontation was because there are two sides to all situations and my side needed to be stated since the person who knew the truth wouldn't step forward. However, the groups weren't the right place. I apologied to both owners for taking the bait. I even offered to leave the groups if I had stepped over the line with my responses. I appreciate that both post were found inappropriate and have been deleted.

Our mutual friend wanted to end this situation. But it didn't work as I told him it wouldn't. She was only into blaming me for her life issues. She doesn't see her stalking or her inappropriate comments as a problem. She believes she is justified in her behaviors because she states once I laid eyes on our mutual friend, I wanted to take him away from her. The heart of the problem, she fails to understand he doesn't belong to anyone. He has been honest with me. He feels safe to answer questions with out receiving rage as a reaction.

He realizes she will never hear the truth. She only has her delusional ideas that she attempts to pass off as the truth. As long as I'm left alone, she can re-enforce her delusions. She just needs to keep them to herself. She has embarassed herself and our mutual friend but her postings. I truely pity her for this will prevent her from learning and growing.

Well, now for me, I'm attending a fetish play party. I'm ready to put all the negative behind and move to the next stage.

Trying to stay positive on this day

Today is Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have 3 great daughters that have produced 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons. I have a large family and some very close friends who I consider family. I have had the pleasure of exploring my sexuality.

However, my stalker continues to do things to agitate. It always happens when I'm trying to be a better person and move on with my life. I really don't understand what the appeal of harassing me is. I'm not doing anything to her. I don't go to her page. I don't respond to her unfounded delusions. She doesn't even write the truth. Its like she is making it up and saying it over and over enough in the hopes that it becomes truth.

I think the most upsetting thing is there is an individual that could take care of this situation, he choices not too. We have talked about it but he doesn't care enough about me and just doesn't want to deal with her.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I just want to be left alone and pursue my interest without being harassed.

Wow...an apology? NOT

My stalker reported to her Dom that she apologized to me. When I read it, I thought "Wow...really? Delusional". At least that is how I wanted to respond. However, I showed great restraint and didn't respond at all. I have thought of many other responses like "truth challenged".

I don't consider it an apology so don't have anything to accept. To me, she is blaming me and making up her own version of events. She really has no idea about what is going on with me or my relationships.

I'm posting the "apology" for everyone's laughing pleasure.

"I apologize for being a pain in ur ass, a thorn in ur side. A dark cloud over your head. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry for introducing you to a wonderful man that deserves so much more respect than you can handle. I sympathize with your desire to be with him.But He will not be controled by you, me or any woman. He is His own man and chooses his battles wisely. I also regret forgetting my self worth and letting your antics get to me.for that o applogize to Sir.I'm sorry that you can't deal with my unconditional love and desire to please Him in anyway.something's don't make me happy but I yolerate them because it pleases Him and that is all that counts. You told me once that you were going to make Him a great Dom.you are assisting and for that I am thankful. But He has always been great!! The Dom part honey, it's natural with Him. I knew the day I met Him, He was unique in His ways and that He will accomplish any goal He sets for Himself.I will assist Him and do His bidding until He decides to put me out of His life. Although I hope that never happens. But if it pleases Him I will walk away. My world would end. Because He is more than a toy or a play partner to me. He ia my life, without Him to serve I am nothing. You have called me all kinds of names all over the internet and even to my personal cell. Slandee.... thank Sir that I didn't press charges or have your pages removed. Thanks for all your help. Sincerely
whytechocolate aka Bonnie aka His black cock slut.

Ps don't think He dosent ride my ass or correct me when I am wrong. He knows my potential and pushes me toward that pptential.

Thank you Sir"

Oh...of course I forgot to mention that her writing skills are horrible.

Happiness...Overrated

I should have known that happiness doesn't last. During the summer, I had several months of peace which I could say I was happy. I had other parts of my life that were stressful but I was satisfied with how my submission was developing. I had found a man that I was comfortable with as a Dominate. I was also able to find a play partner.

Toward the middle of the summer, there was some rocky roads. Sir was busy with work but we chatted from time to time. I always attempted to keep him updated with what was going on with me.

With my play partner, things totally fell apart. We would smooth things over but things really didn't go back to what they were. As time continued, I began to loose trust. I continued to encourage him in his exploration of the lifestyle and other areas. However, in the end, nothing I did really mattered. He recently began to criticize all my actions. I second guessed him...at least that was his version. Now, I did nothing but play games, again his version.

The shame in the situation is he didn't take the time to even get to know me. He, as others have, missed the best part of me. He also told me tonight that I was basically not a good sub. We went to an event together and he was able to observe "good subs". The funniest part of the whole situation was WE WERE PLAY PARTNERS. He didn't OWN me. I choose to submit but it was only required in the bedroom.

The other funny part, I caught him in a lie. Of course, I forgot a conversation that never took place...his excuse.

Another Chapter Closed. Hopefully the future ones will be better.

The Weekend

As birthdays go, I must say this weekend was the best in a long time. I was able to attend 2 AIS sponsored events. Both fuctions were well organized and the other attendees were great. I meet some new friends and touched base with some old ones. I also realized that I have an interest in fire, can't wait to try.