I just read another's blog on LOL Day. Its amazing that they have dedicated a day for bloggers to love their lurkers. This is just a hoot...lol.
I've noticed my status have increased in just a few short months. I've also gained a few followers.
I didn't really think my writing was that good so I haven't posted a link on my Fetlife page like I've seen. But I also don't want those hidden enemies to have this site. This is a safe place for me to write so that I can process what I'm learning and experiencing. I don't need my feelings and thoughts used against me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Drama
Everytime I think things are done and over with B, he does something to provoke a reaction. Its usually not the reaction that he wants but, of course, I react. Well yesterday was no different. I must say there were a couple of times that I didn't react like when he tried to get into my email accounts. Of course, he was unsuccessful.
I thought everything was done the first weekend of the month. That everything had been said and we were not going to communicate again. I was good with this because as I had stated from the beginning of our relationship the only thing he had to offer me was dick. This is the only reason that I agreed to meet him each time that he has contacted me. I knew in January when he contacted me and spent a day together that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. He broke the trust and respect that I had for him. He had proven that he wasn't this man that was honest and had integrity. He was just like all the rest and even displayed the same patterns of behavior. And because of this I couldn't trust or respect him. I felt the need to be near him but knew there was no relationship in the future.
The door to the lifestyle had opened and I so wanted to immerse myself in it. I ask him several times to explore play with me but realized I was glad he never followed through. I felt he would involve others that wanted to harm me or he himself would because he wouldn't pay attention to my limits. This was one of the reasons I continued to attend munches and develop relationships with other Dominants.
Yesterdays threats were the lowest ever. I received a voice mail from a female who blocked her phone number and didn't leave her name. She stated I was a "cunt" and she had printed my information from Fetlife. She stated she intented to send to an ex (prior to B) and to my employer. She even stated 2 of the locations at which I have worked that she intended to send too. B was the only one to have all the information. Plus B has mentioned the prior ex several times. He even text stating he hopes he (prior ex) beats my brains out.
The difference between me and them. I address the problem with the person I have it with. They hid by blocking their number and not identifying themselves. When someone does this, it gives the appearance of not being honesty. It also shows their childish, high school behaviors. We are all over 30, can't we act like adults.
Through a texting, he continues to be dishonest and call me names. I had attempted to call him but he refused to answer. Then he called me. I didn't allow him to speak. I said what I needed and hung up. His response was to send 2 additional text. Karma is a bitch and will catch up to him.
I can close the door on this relationship knowing that I had submitted to him and did my best to care for him. Our relationship was a LDR since he was a truck driver. So when he came to the area I would get a motel room so that he could have a night of comfort instead of being cramped in a cab of his truck. I would go to different places for food so that he could have something different than what he was use too. I even bought him gifts so he would have some comforts while on the road. I really don't know what I could have did different but I did what I thought I was suppose too since I wasn't getting any guidance.
I'm hoping that I can now put all this aside and concentrate on my submissiveness. I spoke with a friend and expressed my concerns with attending a play party alone because of everything that is going on. He suggested a big event for me to attend in Febuary. I told him of an event I planned to attend in November. He stated he was going in November and re-assumed me that if trouble was started by anyone. The event personal would address the issue. He also stated he would let me know if there were individuals that were trustworthy to play with. He also told me I could call and vent to him anytime.
I am so glad that I found Fetlife. I have found some really good people and a wealth of information. Don't get me wrong there are those that aren't nice but the supportive ones out weigh the unkind.
I plan on to continue reading books, threads and blogs to help with provid insight into my submissiveness and improve my ability to submit to my future Dominant. I also plan to attend events now that I know I won't need to go alone. I may attend single but I won't be alone. I'll have trustworthy individuals that I may actually be comfortable enough to participate in the play. The future looks a little brighter.
Here's a quote that I hope all can appreciate..."I'm sarcastic and a smartass....It's a natural defense against stupidity, drama, and bullshit."
I thought everything was done the first weekend of the month. That everything had been said and we were not going to communicate again. I was good with this because as I had stated from the beginning of our relationship the only thing he had to offer me was dick. This is the only reason that I agreed to meet him each time that he has contacted me. I knew in January when he contacted me and spent a day together that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. He broke the trust and respect that I had for him. He had proven that he wasn't this man that was honest and had integrity. He was just like all the rest and even displayed the same patterns of behavior. And because of this I couldn't trust or respect him. I felt the need to be near him but knew there was no relationship in the future.
The door to the lifestyle had opened and I so wanted to immerse myself in it. I ask him several times to explore play with me but realized I was glad he never followed through. I felt he would involve others that wanted to harm me or he himself would because he wouldn't pay attention to my limits. This was one of the reasons I continued to attend munches and develop relationships with other Dominants.
Yesterdays threats were the lowest ever. I received a voice mail from a female who blocked her phone number and didn't leave her name. She stated I was a "cunt" and she had printed my information from Fetlife. She stated she intented to send to an ex (prior to B) and to my employer. She even stated 2 of the locations at which I have worked that she intended to send too. B was the only one to have all the information. Plus B has mentioned the prior ex several times. He even text stating he hopes he (prior ex) beats my brains out.
The difference between me and them. I address the problem with the person I have it with. They hid by blocking their number and not identifying themselves. When someone does this, it gives the appearance of not being honesty. It also shows their childish, high school behaviors. We are all over 30, can't we act like adults.
Through a texting, he continues to be dishonest and call me names. I had attempted to call him but he refused to answer. Then he called me. I didn't allow him to speak. I said what I needed and hung up. His response was to send 2 additional text. Karma is a bitch and will catch up to him.
I can close the door on this relationship knowing that I had submitted to him and did my best to care for him. Our relationship was a LDR since he was a truck driver. So when he came to the area I would get a motel room so that he could have a night of comfort instead of being cramped in a cab of his truck. I would go to different places for food so that he could have something different than what he was use too. I even bought him gifts so he would have some comforts while on the road. I really don't know what I could have did different but I did what I thought I was suppose too since I wasn't getting any guidance.
I'm hoping that I can now put all this aside and concentrate on my submissiveness. I spoke with a friend and expressed my concerns with attending a play party alone because of everything that is going on. He suggested a big event for me to attend in Febuary. I told him of an event I planned to attend in November. He stated he was going in November and re-assumed me that if trouble was started by anyone. The event personal would address the issue. He also stated he would let me know if there were individuals that were trustworthy to play with. He also told me I could call and vent to him anytime.
I am so glad that I found Fetlife. I have found some really good people and a wealth of information. Don't get me wrong there are those that aren't nice but the supportive ones out weigh the unkind.
I plan on to continue reading books, threads and blogs to help with provid insight into my submissiveness and improve my ability to submit to my future Dominant. I also plan to attend events now that I know I won't need to go alone. I may attend single but I won't be alone. I'll have trustworthy individuals that I may actually be comfortable enough to participate in the play. The future looks a little brighter.
Here's a quote that I hope all can appreciate..."I'm sarcastic and a smartass....It's a natural defense against stupidity, drama, and bullshit."
Friday, October 8, 2010
Interviewing a potential Dominate/Master
When I determined that the person I thought would be my Dominate wasn't going to fill that role, I was at a loss how to look or find one that was suited to me. To find an individual that I trusted, had respect for and dependent on while in comprising situations. I have read several threads and blogs with a similar tone so I know I'm not the only one to be distressed with finding a Dominate/Master.
Luckily, others have already wrote about their experiences and how they handle certain situations. Plus I was fortunate to stumble on to submissiveguide.com who writes about issues that submissives and slaves may face in their quest for the perfect relationship. Since I have been receiving the newsletters, there has been a 2 part series talking about what to look for. Its "Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 and 2". I'm sure a novice or newbie would be quit interested in these two articles. I was. It has helped me to develop a dialog with potential Dominates. When potential Dominates dont fit with information that I have previously read or learned, I can then ask why the difference.
Now I usually ask what the potential Dominates view on the role of a Dominate and submissive. Also, something that I picked up on my own was what philosophy they trained or acknowledged. The last question seems to be tricky because they ask what I mean. I have learned that there are subsets within the lifestyle that have very defined ideas on community and roles within that community. When they aren't able to answer this, I give me a red flag. Are they serious about the lifestyle or just a fake?
If your question session doesn't give you some ease, it might be wise to move on to the next. Don't allow one to attempt to exert dominance when it is unwanted. What I have learned, you need to negotiate and feel comfortable with what you choose.
Something else I've been thinking about is the potential Dominate's involvement in the local community. It appears when they have involvement, they are concerned with their reputation. Its just something else to consider.
Luckily, others have already wrote about their experiences and how they handle certain situations. Plus I was fortunate to stumble on to submissiveguide.com who writes about issues that submissives and slaves may face in their quest for the perfect relationship. Since I have been receiving the newsletters, there has been a 2 part series talking about what to look for. Its "Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 and 2". I'm sure a novice or newbie would be quit interested in these two articles. I was. It has helped me to develop a dialog with potential Dominates. When potential Dominates dont fit with information that I have previously read or learned, I can then ask why the difference.
Now I usually ask what the potential Dominates view on the role of a Dominate and submissive. Also, something that I picked up on my own was what philosophy they trained or acknowledged. The last question seems to be tricky because they ask what I mean. I have learned that there are subsets within the lifestyle that have very defined ideas on community and roles within that community. When they aren't able to answer this, I give me a red flag. Are they serious about the lifestyle or just a fake?
If your question session doesn't give you some ease, it might be wise to move on to the next. Don't allow one to attempt to exert dominance when it is unwanted. What I have learned, you need to negotiate and feel comfortable with what you choose.
Something else I've been thinking about is the potential Dominate's involvement in the local community. It appears when they have involvement, they are concerned with their reputation. Its just something else to consider.
When can the past be the past
When entering a new relationship, I think the past ones should be left alone. They failed for a reason and an individual usually has hope that the new will not end up as the old. You want to trust and believe in the new while still maintaining the knowledge that patterns from the past may present. But both are different people. You have experienced another relationship to learn and grow. While the other participate has done the same with his past experiences.
Why do some insist on harping on that which has failed? Why do they need to continue to insert themselves and ruin what doesn't include them? Why are they so bitter that they can't allow happiness?
I must stipulate that those injecting themselves aren't always the ex but a third party. Most of the time, the third party feels they have to fight a battle that doesn't exist. Third parties also think they need to "warn" the new of the past perceived problems that don't exist.
Why do some insist on harping on that which has failed? Why do they need to continue to insert themselves and ruin what doesn't include them? Why are they so bitter that they can't allow happiness?
I must stipulate that those injecting themselves aren't always the ex but a third party. Most of the time, the third party feels they have to fight a battle that doesn't exist. Third parties also think they need to "warn" the new of the past perceived problems that don't exist.
Longing
I long to be touched. Its been awhile since I have had intimate contact.
I long to be tied up. To be restrained while attempting to get free.
I long to have a pair of lips on my breast, sucking and biting.
I long to have a man's hand touching my body, rubbing and caressing.
I long to be used as I should be. To have my hair pulled, ass smacked and another body slamming into mine.
I long to be tortured with a variety of sensual sensations with the end result being safisification.
I long to be cuddled and carassed til I go to sleep, feeling safe and secure in his arms.
I long to be tied up. To be restrained while attempting to get free.
I long to have a pair of lips on my breast, sucking and biting.
I long to have a man's hand touching my body, rubbing and caressing.
I long to be used as I should be. To have my hair pulled, ass smacked and another body slamming into mine.
I long to be tortured with a variety of sensual sensations with the end result being safisification.
I long to be cuddled and carassed til I go to sleep, feeling safe and secure in his arms.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The lies catch up
"Q: Not sure how to ask this but I was seeing a Man that introduced me kinda to D/s I did my best to be what he wanted but the communication was lacking and too many long absences without any reason We were on and off for about a year. I loved him with all my heart I still do. One day I got a message from another woman asking about our relationship, how often I saw him ect. I called him immediately he was very upset and told me to tell her to forget about it. Then he broke things off with me again saying he had issues he couldn’t be in a relationship. then we were back and he said he loved me. but things were still the same very little contact unless he was in the area (he drove truck) In Jan I wrote to him saying I couldn’t do this anymore I needed to get off the roller coaster. I never heard back from him. Then one day he calls me, He misses me and wants to see me. I told him i missed him too and wanted to see him. Then a couple weeks later I get a message from Him saying He was in a relationship and our friendship was hurting it and he had to end it. I said Iunderstood. Then I got messages from him again saying that we will meet again and sure enough we did. It was like time had stood still. I fell asleep and woke up to find him looking at my profile on fetlife. I never even knew he was on that site. I left and went home. I searched for his page and saw that he was in a relationship with the girl that had messaged me about him. I went to her page and saw that he was to collar her. I cried and regretted seeing him. about a week after he collared her he sends me a message wanting to see me. I told him I now have a Trainer/mentor that he would have to go through him. His reply was I will not ask permission for something that belongs to me. of course my reply was that he chose her he collared her. Now my question is how dose he feel I belong to him? I really don’t understand his thinking at all He knows he has my heart I think he always will but I know he isn’t good for me at all so I need to be strong. I am doing much better now especially with the help of my Sir but sometimes thoughts just creep up on you. I asked him this and as usually he didnt answer and when I told him i would not sneak around behind her back he really got upset with me."
This was the relationship that B and I had. There were some differences but mostly similarities. Of course me being reactive, I questioned him. This was our interaction:
With our encounter in August, I thought I had put my emotions in check. That is until I had seen the above question. It just brought all my hurt and anger back to the surface. All the lying, cheating, disloyalty, verbal abuse, meanness and just the attempt to inflict the most emotional pain.
I had told him about a week ago that I didn't respect or trust him. He didn't realize that I was serious when I said that. He felt that he could just smooth everything over if he let some time go by.
These are previous interactions:
Feb 12, 2010
I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I shut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own
May 18, 2010
I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do
Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text
So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont
Ok then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off
You read them but its cool I don't give a fuck no more we are beyond repair beyond being friends
This relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I don't trust which prevents me from playing. I doubt what I'm being told because it seems like all the men that have been in my life have lied. I'm suspicious when approached by an individual who has one of the infamous third parties as friends. Am I being approached because they see me as a person they want to learn about? Or is it because of the lies that the third parties are reporting?
This was the relationship that B and I had. There were some differences but mostly similarities. Of course me being reactive, I questioned him. This was our interaction:
Me Im attempting a dialog w/u. Ur showing ur ill manners by not resonding. It is so disrespectful.
B No what's. Disrespectful is the texts you send with your choice of words until you can act like you have some sense don't say anything to me because I won't respond
Me Fine…if u want respect u need 2 earn it. U don’t own or control me. U lost that priveledge.
B Then my answer stands
Me U stated n May we could not b friends. U continue 2 contact. Seeing you or not no longer matters. I felt u wantd some type of interaction but it wont b based on ur whimes.
B I just read your email you should go be with your sir don't contact me again and you question is bullshit
Me I didn’t post that. Someone else did. U should re-read the email
Me Would u like the whole newsletter? I was explaining my anger & txt
B Then why are you fucking with me
Me Cuz the dick was good
B No whyte chocolate wrote it I have seen it
Me So she was talking abt u
B Lol no
B That's why I told you it was bullshit I had seen it before
Me U didn’t respond 2 me. U only ask y I was starting
B But I am done fighting with you we can't be friends I won't have you flaring up because of some shit you have read elsewhere
Me Ok…again ur decision. I have no voice. I will not continue as a yoyo. Stick by ur decision. If I delete u again I will not ever respond 2 u again. We will be finished.
B So be it
Me Good bye
Me This summer I had a cancer scare. The only think I could think of was the 2 times u spoke me & death. Im glad u made the decision u did. I will hold u 2 it.
B Why are you still contacting me I will not be spoken to like that even if I am not your dom and you don't respect me then fuck off leave me alone
With our encounter in August, I thought I had put my emotions in check. That is until I had seen the above question. It just brought all my hurt and anger back to the surface. All the lying, cheating, disloyalty, verbal abuse, meanness and just the attempt to inflict the most emotional pain.
I had told him about a week ago that I didn't respect or trust him. He didn't realize that I was serious when I said that. He felt that he could just smooth everything over if he let some time go by.
These are previous interactions:
Feb 12, 2010
I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I shut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own
May 18, 2010
I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do
Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text
So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont
Ok then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off
You read them but its cool I don't give a fuck no more we are beyond repair beyond being friends
This relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I don't trust which prevents me from playing. I doubt what I'm being told because it seems like all the men that have been in my life have lied. I'm suspicious when approached by an individual who has one of the infamous third parties as friends. Am I being approached because they see me as a person they want to learn about? Or is it because of the lies that the third parties are reporting?
Can a sub have more than one Dom?
I saw this question in a Fetlife group and didn't really think a lot about it at the time. But now I'm reading An Owned Life by Dennis Najee which makes me ask "can a sub have more than one Dom"? According to the definition of a D/s relationship that Mr Najee is providing within his book which is "submission is limited in scope" and ceases at the end of the designated activity that it is possible as long as the sub is able to fulfill the needs of the Dom she is serving and lives up to the role as discussed between the parties.
Now, I understand that most Dominates would not like to share. But in the case of LDR (long distance relationships) or even those based solely on-line this would be suitable to all parties. Ok, I've thrown it out there, what's everyone think.
I have sent this question to Dennis Najee to get his opinion also.
Now, I understand that most Dominates would not like to share. But in the case of LDR (long distance relationships) or even those based solely on-line this would be suitable to all parties. Ok, I've thrown it out there, what's everyone think.
I have sent this question to Dennis Najee to get his opinion also.
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