This Week

This past week was a rough week for me emotionally. I was on a major roller coaster ride. I can't really explain why. I can give my impressions as to why I was feeling the way I was. Some will say it was just excuses but all I know is I couldn't control how I was feeling, nor could I change it.

I'm really glad Sir wanted to see me last night. He came to my area and I was able to spend a little time with him. I wasn't very subbie. He ask me about playing pool which caused my competitive side to emerge. He told me that he had planned on spanking my ass on the table all night which didn't happen. He wanted me to believe he wasn't very good which was is what all men tend to say. But they also don't believe that girls can be good either. That isn't the case with me. I may start out slow but once I warm up, look out.

I just don't know where this involvement is going. I'm often at a loss as too what I should be or not be doing. He says I haven't upset him and he plans to keep me guessing which will only create frustration.

I've got a Valentine's Day gift in the works. I will drop it off to him after my photo shoot on Feb 13th. I do hope he likes it. 

Getting Excited

On February 2 @ 1 pm, I'm going to be a demo dolly for a wax demo at Sexaplooza. I've never done anything this public so I'm a little nervous but yet extremely excited. I'm presently shopping for pasties and a thong.

There will be a photographer so I hope to post some pics. Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm not...

Yesterday, I posted something about being a difficult woman. I can honestly say I'm one of those difficult women. I'm upfront and honest when I start talking to someone new. I tell them how I'm going to react to certain situations. I'm always told by the individual that it won't be a problem, they will be able to handle it. The funny part, my moods are never handled well.

At this time, I'm maintaining control better than I have in the past. I've been a little upset because I'm feeling neglected and ignored. I don't think this is the way to nurture a potential relationship.

I re-read some recent messages from Sir which all seem positive and encouraging but my anger has taken over at this point. I've always been a wallflower and ignored. Sir hasn't ask what my needs are but I believe I have made mention within other blogs and conversations.

I ask what his needs was and he stated his desires are "simply". He doesn't realize my are much more simpler than his. At some point when I'm with him, I need to feel important and have his attention.

He one time discussed poly with me. To me, in a poly household all the women are hold at the same level. This prevents any jealousy. Each has equal time, equal play and are encouraged to get along with one another so that the household runs smoothy. Even if the individuals don't live together, the same circumstances exist so that Sir remains happy and satisfied.

I feel I'm only around to provide information. I have no other value which is so wrong. Communication has been lax and no time has really been taken to get to know me, so much has been missed. I have no doubts that I'm capable of doing whatever he needs and that includes pain.

Fear has stopped me from experimenting with pain. I have a high pain tolerance. I delivered babies with no meds. I had surgery and didn't take pain meds after the day of surgery. I always stopped pain medication after the 1st 24 hours. What I do take is over the counter, not prescription.

D/s is a two way street. If I'm submitting and meeting the needs of a Dominant than I expect my needs to be meet. Besides the ones mentioned above, I expected to be cared for and sexually satisfied.

I'm a very sexual person and that side of me has been ignored for years. Dominants seem to use it as a way to punishment. I could be doing everything right, meeting their needs but my sexual needs which is most important to me is ignored. I remain loyal to one til the relationship is done which hasn't seemed to impress anyone. Everyone prefers women that open themselves to everyone. I just don't understand, probably never will. (past experiences)

Tonight was a rambling night...I just had to get it out.

Submissive Challenge #15

New Year's Resolutions 

Do you make New Year's Resolutions?

If so, what goals did you set for yourself this year? How are you doing with keeping them?

If not, why not? Do have any current goals that you are trying to achieve? How is that going?

The above questions are Submissive Guide's Blog Hop Challenge #15. I haven't answered one in awhile and since this is a new year and the question is asking about resolutions, I thought it would be a good chance to start the year off positive. So here I go.

Some of my goals are simple, at least the first is. I tell people that I missed part of my female education as I was growing up and one part has to do with fashion. My wardrobe is extremely limited due to my inability to determine what is fashionable and what looks good on me. I try things and I don't think anything looks good.

To help with this goal, I plan to have my daughter and friends go shopping with me. I also plan to buy something for myself each month to add to my closet. I don't have a large budget but if I watch for sales, I believe I can get things that mix and match which will create a number of outfits. And I can't forget accessories...lol.

My second goal is to return to following my blogs. Last year, a new job and family life caused me to be extremely busy for several months. I didn't write a blog for several months but have been able to resume that. Now I need to start reading again. The information I gained was great and I was able to learn a lot so I think I need to take Sundays to do some light reading.

 A third goal is to try more things on my "curious about" list but also do more of the things that I have found that I like. I plan to attend more events to play with fire and electric. I also plan to make arrangements for rope sessions because I think the confinement of rope will be therapeutic. I also have more photo shoots planned. As for the "curious about", I would like to be flogged, figged, role playing and a little pain. I think most of my "curious about" will need to wait til I have a Dominant.

My fourth goal is to become more involved with my lifestyle community. I've been attending local meet n greets. But I'm also planning to attend more events periods, especially those with demos and other educational opportunities. I'm actually going to take a more active role within the community. I have volunteer to be a demo dolly at a major event, Sexaplooza. We will be doing a wax demo. I have played with wax once several years ago. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone by wearing pasties and a thong at a very public event.

Getting back to my original goal,  I want to attend at least one event a quarter. I don't include my local meet n greets in the events because I plan to attend everything local.

My last goal is about finding a Dominant or play partner. I feel I need to start taking care of my cravings. I need to stop ignoring the feelings I'm having, the need to be tied/restrained. The need to explore my limits with pain. The need to be sexual fulfilled and satisfied. I have come to realize that I'm a bedroom submissive so to speak. I have the potential to be more for the right person.

Suffering a Little Subdrop

On Friday, I technically did 2 scenes. I tried fire for the first time and played with electric as I do each time I attend an event. Minimal pain is involved but ones endorphins still get a little ramped up.

What I don't understand is why some don't consider these "real" scenes and worthy of aftercare? I believe I was still deserving of aftercare, even if it was 5 minutes of cuddling on one of the couches just to make sure my well being was ok.

Yesterday and today, I have been up and down. I have actually been in bitch mode. I've wanted to send bitchy emails but have restrained myself.

I'm not feeling comfortable about things and I want to be confrontational. I believe part is subdrop but I also believe part is sexual frustration. The two put together, especially with me, can be lethal for relationships.

For Women Who Are Difficult to Love - written and performed by Warsan Shire

For Women Who Are Difficult to Love - written and performed by Warsan Shire

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

Fetish Foreplay Friday

I finally made it to another event and this is one that is ongoing. Its the 3rd Friday of each month so hopefully I will be able to attend a little more regular.

They had a demo on figging and caning which was excellent. I've read about figging and its on my curious about list so I do plan to try but not in a public setting. However, I did do one of my favorites, electric, and tried fire for the first time. Just to clarify, I did not do cupping. I don't have an appreciation for the marks that are left from cupping so its of little interest but fire wanding is a very different story. I totally fell in love. As I do electric each time I attend an event, I will also try to do fire wanding.

Fire winding was like having a massage. It is warm and relaxing. However, a talented fire person can create a little pain without damaging the skin. It didn't really hurt, just stung a little but he felt I was getting too relaxed and might fall asleep.

Most of the afternoon and evening, Sir was unsure if he was going to attend and still couldn't say for sure at the time that I entered. I had watched for him for a little while but resolved myself that he wouldn't be showing. Then as I waited at the violent wand station, I looked around for another friend and I thought I show him but I was unsure. He hadn't approached so I didn't know and he hadn't text or called to see where I was. I decided to walk up and see. He thought I was trying to sneak up on him when I was actually in shock.

I was disappointed at the end of the evening. I was hoping that he would invite me to a play session but that didn't happen. I guess it was better that I didn't. I had a hard time staying awake the last 20 miles which is usually the case. 

Feeling a little Negative

I've been majorly off this week. By that I mean emotionally which has caused me to perceive things differently than they were probably meant. I've over thought other things and my insecurities have been heighten.

Most don't speak about mental health issues but they do exist in me and do create issues at times. I was diagnosis Bipolar almost 15 years. Then 7 years ago on the 21st, I suffered a traumatic experience at a previous work location that continues to bring on symptoms of PTSD around the anniversary of the event. This really doesn't help my original diagnosis. Of course, I also have the dreaded menopause occurring so apparently I'm doomed for a period.

Then I have my most hated holiday coming up...Valentine's Day. I have faced so many alone that I should be use to it. I use to have hope that I would one day have a partner to share the day with but in the last couple of years I have totally given up. I actually don't enjoy any holiday but Valentine's Day is the worse.

Starting 2013 Out Good

I think 2013 is going to be a very good year. I went to my first meet n greet the first Saturday of the year. It might of been small in number but we are getting to know each other and that is what counts. We are building bonds and networking which is the intent.

Last night I met the Dominant that I've been somewhat seeing. It was short but nice. We again had some time to sit and chat allowing us to get to know each other a little better. Then this morning I went to the first ever local munch brunch. I'm so glad I went.

During breakfast, we were discussing Sexaplooza which is a local event that has ask for volunteers. Myself and another has volunteered but didn't know exactly what activity we were going to do til our discussion. Now we are going to do a wax demo. The details need to be worked out but it does sound so fun and I'm excited. 

I think I've been going through a little sub frenzy. I thought I had found a Dominant to build a relationship but I came to the realization today that it was my dream, maybe more of a delusion than anything. I just have a need for physical play, to be desired sexually, to be seen as an intelligent person and to be owned/to have a sense of belonging. I wish my true submissive side could come out instead of my dominant, bitchy side.

Started out to be Fantasies but ended up being Goals

I was talking to Sir about fantasies and thought it would be better to write a blog. There were just too many to type in a text or to talk about on the phone. Writing an email might be a little more private but at least this way I can track what we do. He doesn't mind me writing. I think he actually likes giving me reasons to write...lol. He also reads them which totally excites me.

I was extremely disappointed that I had to decline another meeting with Sir. Mother Nature affected me in two different ways...1) the weather was horrible. My county was again a level one which meant the roads were bad for New Year's Eve. And 2) I started my period on Sunday. It seems like I'm either oncall or on my period when he wants to play. There are times I want to ask if we can play but I'm afraid of being rejected.

I've been so conditioned not to ask for anything, I just don't. When I was younger, I was told "no" for one reason or another. As I got older the pattern continued, not only with family members but with husbands and partners, so I just got to the point that I either got it myself or did without. This included sex. I remember laying beside partners craving and needing to be satisfied and being told "no".

I'm actually a little hesitate about talking about my fantasies also. I've had this conversation several times and I have still to have a full fantasy fulfilled. I've had parts here and there but something always seems to happen. So I think apart of me has given up that they will ever become reality.

Consensual non-consent has always been an interested area.  I really don't know why, I think partly because I don't want to give control but I want it taken to an extent. I love to wrestle and it gets me so hot. Plus I'm able to feel my partner's strength which gives me a level of security.

Thinking of strength, I keep thinking of Sir's strength. I felt his during our play session when he grabbed the rope in the front and pulled me to my feet. That excited me within my already heightened state but my mind keeps bringing me back to that moment.

In this new year I hope to try role playing, a strap on both receiving and giving, sharing a double headed dildo and improving my oral skills on a female. I think this blog was more about my goals than fantasies.

I have always thought that if I was pissed the right person/man could convert that anger to passion with the right touch, the right phrase, the right kiss and a lot of patience. I have the tendency to be impulsive and I want someone that isn't afraid to stand up to me. Most will say they care but will let me do stupid things that could result in me being harmed, I want someone to stand up to me and mean it because when I'm pissed rationality goes out the window. I don't care about my safety, I don't care about anything at this point.

I want to be pinned against a wall while struggling. I want my neck kissed while my clothes are being removed. I want my breast fondled and my pussy fingered. If my struggling is too much, I want to be tied down so that access will be unimpeded. I want my senses overwhelmed.