A Wish

If I had one wish for tonight it would be to cuddle up in bed tonight with Sir. A pillow top mattress with lots of pillows around us, soft sheets and a down comforter. Hence its a wish not to be fulfill. I'm going to bed alone in a cold bed with a quilt and comforter to eventually suffer from night sweats. Reality sure is different from our fantasy world.

Overwhelming Week

This week was the most overwhelming week I've ever had. My sister was found dead, there were a lot of drama and issues after my sister's death, my 2 youngest daughters were in the hospital for separate reasons and my car totally broke. If there was ever a time I needed my hand held it was this week but that was only a wish.

I believe this is one of the reason I will have such a hard time submitting fully. I have always been there when someone has needed me but I have had to be strong for myself. I don't know how to depend on another because no one has ever been there for me. When I go into to crisis mode, I just start doing, making phone calls, assigning tasks and making sure everything is taken care of. My needs are no longer important. My time to grieve is when I'm alone because I have to be strong when I'm with my family, I can't show them weakness. They need someone to depend on. Someone they know they can lean on and gain strength from. I wish I had someone I can gain strength from. For me, I have a great network of friends and during the summer I lay in the sun and listen to music that feeds my soul. With it being winter, I'm feeling a little lost.

Maybe I'm not meant to be a priority to anyone. To be that one person that is important to another person's life. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I know I'm not meant to be a Dominant, I don't have that desire. But maybe I'm not meant to have that one person to kneel to, to service, to love, to devote myself too and to receive the devotion in return, to be protected and cared for.

Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I should just accept the ones that say they love me even though I don't have any feelings for them. It really hasn't worked for me in the past, the relationship always end because I'm unhappy but I'm not really really happy now either. Is it better to be alone and unhappy or with someone and unhappy? Big question...