OMG...

OMG...my stalker has decided to maybe come play in my play ground. I think she may have grown her balls.

She has decided to mark on Fetlife she may be coming to the swing event that I've went too the last 2 months. That leaves me to wonder why. Is she reading my posting where I'm writing I'm being ignored and she wants to prove she can get everyone's attention. I hate to tell her, she has no standards so she will get every dick's attention. I on the other hand am a little more selective and don't want every dick that approaches.

I'm comfortable being a strong, independent and intelligent female and those men who take an interest enjoy a woman who is well rounded not just physically but in all areas. I can carry on conversations about multiple topics that don't include sex. I have a sense of humor and generally likeable.

Where as my stalker is nothing more than a gutter rat. She can only spread her legs, checks and lips. All 3 holes are well used with no protection and I would be scared at what I might get if I used one of those gaping holes.

Plus, knowing this is a party that I attend, this will be her 3 instance of physical stalking. She will catch a case and in my yard...so sweet.

Another Swing Event

I went to another swinger event last night. I've decided the only thing that its really good for is watching people and some slight relaxing. It does prove my point that I'm nothing more than a wallflower. 

Again I was ignored. One I didn't expect to approach me because he protocols require me to address him. Well, that wasn't going to happen so we were at an impasse.

But the one I didn't expect to ignore me did. Well I should have expected it. He has ignored me in every other way but never intentionally at an event. I have gave the respect of calling him Sir and he has not been gracious in returning the respect. I have tried talking to him. Actually the only way I've been able to communicate with him is too text or email. I've had no alone time with him since December. I think I've met him twice for an hour each time but there has always been a group of people around.

He also doesn't understand D/s and BDSM play. I've realized once he finds something that a sub/slave likes he limits her to that activity. Like he only mentioned playing with clothes pins with me when there was so much more that I liked, enjoyed and wanted to try. He did the same with his slave.

He also assumed that since I was going to play publicly that I had a Dominant when I don't. Just because I have developed a trusting friendship with another and opt to participate in physical play doesn't me I'm involved in a D/s relationship. Two totally different things but at times these things could be joined.

On the positive side I did meet and chat with 2 individuals that were simply fascinating. One has been wanting to meet me for a while and recognized me upon my arrival. We chatted and I believed he loved my bluntness.

The other noticed me sitting alone and decided to approach. He stated he had come at the request of a friend and wasn't wanting to interrupt if I was meeting anyone. But since I was ignored, I was good. We chatted about our swing experiences, our children and professional lives.

It was a great time. No pressure like the last time.

Intimidated and Vulnerable

I admitted to 2 Dominants recently that pain intimidated.  But as I thought about it, its not that pain intimidates me, I think its more the fear of being vulnerable and the potential sub drop.

I've always been in control or at least try. When things don't go as planned, I become frustrated but I'm able to think and re-adjust. So actually giving control over to someone and opening my self up is quit intimidating.

I have did minimal play in public like trying fire and the violent wand but I haven't tried anything else. I had the opportunity to various paddles, whips and even a flogger but ran. I was watching another receive her first spanking and I was getting excited and wet. So I think the combination of my bodies reaction and the intimidation spooked me.

I don't really have a Dominant to discuss these things with or to guide me so I'm left on my own to figure things out and process my feelings. It takes me a little longer to see the obvious at times. 

I think at the next play party, I'm going to try and force my limits. I'm going to try and play in public. I want to be flogged. I've tried paddles once and I wasn't impressed and I will try whips again. I don't think I'll be impressed with them either but I think I need to try a couple of times before deciding. 

"You're no submissive"

"You’re no submissive!” (when I don’t get my own way)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you question me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you won’t obey)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you express your opinion)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you disagree with me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you say no)
I’m “no submissive” when you disregard my needs.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t allow me to understand.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t help me feel safe before acting.
I’m “no submissive” when you dismiss my views.
I’m “no submissive” when you won’t accept our differences.
I’m “no submissive” when you violate my rights.
When I’m “no submissive” - you are no Dom.
~Author Unknown

Queen of Spades

Most define a Queen of Spades as a white female who will lay down for any and every black male as nothing more than a mere sex toy. I don't agree with that definition.

First of all, I see the male as more than a bull which is what that definition is considering that guy. I want the man to be more than sex. I want something deeper and lasting especially within this lifestyle.

Second, the designation of queen states she will be more than just a sex slave. She will be a prized procession to be cherished.

I was once ask to place a spade on my left breast by a person that I greatly respected. He was my owner for a short period and helped me through an emotional time. We were never able to meet face to face because of our personal obligations so we parted ways.

I had hoped to find someone like him but now I'm beginning to believe he was a very unique black man. The others I seem to come across aren't Master/Dominant material. The are players and gamers. They attach the title with no real sense as to what it means or what it takes to actually achieve. They don't guide, they expect their subs/slaves to have a "place". Its so discouraging. Even at times, I'm ashamed to have the QOS because of the level of men available.