First I want to wish everyone a Happy and safe New Year's Eve.
As I sit here with several hours ago before the finish of this year, I can only think of how it began and how its ending. The beginning was so distressing in such a negative way. I never felt good about anything I did. Sex wasn't even fun and it even got to the point that I didn't want to be touched.
But after breaking the cycle of abuse, I took sometime to recover my psyche. I continued to read and talk to some people but avoided any entanglements. I built walls to protect me and my heart. I wouldn't jump just because a male said he was a Dominant. I decided they had to prove they were stronger than me and I'm not talking physically. They were going to sweep me with some simple statements. They needed to show me they had action to back up their words. Their words weren't empty and meant something. So before I made time and re-arranged my life, I had to know it was worth it. Doesn't sound very subbie but then I do have a very dominant side.
In the last part of the year, I decided to again become activity in the community and began to start attending events. This is also when I started speaking to a Dominant that I really didn't know where things were going. We began to email then exchanged phone numbers so to text.
This Dominant was different then the others that had approached me. He wasn't in a hurry. Didn't talk about meeting me and fucking me like tomorrow, he actually had a conversation with me. He ask questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. For that fact, he ask those questions again and I'm still unable to answer them. Or should I say I'm not ready to answer them. I don't think I've experienced enough to answer the questions to be honest.
However, this Dominant does give me a level of frustration. He doesn't communicate with me as much as I want. I try to be patient but some days I just want to chat. I want him to invite me over so we can hang out or play or whatever. We can't build anything if we don't get to know one another.
When we spoke the other day he talked about the mental part and stretching my boundaries. But to do that we need to communicate and see each other...Oh I sound whinny and I don't like that.
Ok, I managed to get way off topic. The bottom line is my year is ending really good. I have a potential involvement. He has skills and strength that I can't wait to explore further.
2013 has some great potential.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas
I want to take a moment and wish all my followers a very Merry Christmas. I'm blessed with a beautiful and loving family who I was able to share it with in the last few days. So this allows me sometime to sit and relax on this grand day.
It also allows me to surf/shop some sites for after Christmas sales. And Oh did I find some...I'm looking at a site with kink toys. I found some jewerly for nipples and clit and I'm thinking..."this will be perfect for my next photo shoot...its a must have...I can get 25% off also". Oh I need to keep looking. The next shoot is going to be even better...
It also allows me to surf/shop some sites for after Christmas sales. And Oh did I find some...I'm looking at a site with kink toys. I found some jewerly for nipples and clit and I'm thinking..."this will be perfect for my next photo shoot...its a must have...I can get 25% off also". Oh I need to keep looking. The next shoot is going to be even better...
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Importance of Aftercare
After last week's play session and a week of processing, I finally have come to a clear understanding of the need and importance of good aftercare. I felt good this week. No emotional downs or mood swings as I have experienced in the past. All these thoughts were fresher in my mind at the beginning of the week but work prevented me from writing. But back to the topic at hand now.
When I first played and explored with the physical sided, I was still really "vanilla" trying to find myself and make adjustments. Basically, I was still trying to break the constraints of the vanilla world and embrace the loving poly lifestyle which I wanted to be apart.
So in my first play session, the Dominant and his slave were great. Everyone knew what was going on, nothing was hidden. We were all friends and continue to be friends. But the vanilla in me refused to accept the aftercare. Apart of me refused to believe I needed anyone to comfort me, I think apart of this was because I had just left a bad relationship and was attempting to move on. It was a wall I built and didn't want to let anyone in at that time so the results were I suffered from subdrop.
I already have Bipolar so the sub-drop only made the roller-coaster ride that I experience worse. I only played with this Dominant a few times but I should have learned the importance from him. I believed he tried to show me, I just wasn't ready.
Every play session I had til last week, I suffered sub-drop. However, the next individual wasn't a dominant. He had aspersions to become one but failed to understand the importance of aftercare. He felt our play wasn't real since it wasn't public so there was no need to care for me.
Now after last week's session, I don't remember much but I do remember being held. My head was on his shoulder, his arm was around me and his head was against mine. It was very comforting. He might have even been talking too me...I don't know. I could have laid down and took a nap but I just wanted to go home to do that. I think if I separated from him I might have been able to think a little clearer. It had been a really good night.
I told him an unreasonable time for me to be home. I made a detour to see friends then to the store. I was amazed to see he had text to see if I was ok because I was to text when I got home. I explained what I had done and I was leaving the store which was 5 minutes from home. Then the next morning he text to check on me again.
Sunday I laided around all day but wasn't depressed. Monday, I felt great. I attribute this to the aftercare. Thanks Sir!!!
When I first played and explored with the physical sided, I was still really "vanilla" trying to find myself and make adjustments. Basically, I was still trying to break the constraints of the vanilla world and embrace the loving poly lifestyle which I wanted to be apart.
So in my first play session, the Dominant and his slave were great. Everyone knew what was going on, nothing was hidden. We were all friends and continue to be friends. But the vanilla in me refused to accept the aftercare. Apart of me refused to believe I needed anyone to comfort me, I think apart of this was because I had just left a bad relationship and was attempting to move on. It was a wall I built and didn't want to let anyone in at that time so the results were I suffered from subdrop.
I already have Bipolar so the sub-drop only made the roller-coaster ride that I experience worse. I only played with this Dominant a few times but I should have learned the importance from him. I believed he tried to show me, I just wasn't ready.
Every play session I had til last week, I suffered sub-drop. However, the next individual wasn't a dominant. He had aspersions to become one but failed to understand the importance of aftercare. He felt our play wasn't real since it wasn't public so there was no need to care for me.
Now after last week's session, I don't remember much but I do remember being held. My head was on his shoulder, his arm was around me and his head was against mine. It was very comforting. He might have even been talking too me...I don't know. I could have laid down and took a nap but I just wanted to go home to do that. I think if I separated from him I might have been able to think a little clearer. It had been a really good night.
I told him an unreasonable time for me to be home. I made a detour to see friends then to the store. I was amazed to see he had text to see if I was ok because I was to text when I got home. I explained what I had done and I was leaving the store which was 5 minutes from home. Then the next morning he text to check on me again.
Sunday I laided around all day but wasn't depressed. Monday, I felt great. I attribute this to the aftercare. Thanks Sir!!!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
My Photo Shoot Pics
I finally got them back. I think they turned out great. I'm only posting a few on here because I don't want them public and google makes them so totally public. I have posted a lot on Fetlife. Plans are in the work for future shoots so stay tuned.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Great Night
Tonight didn't go as planned but it turned out great. I planned to do a fetish photo shoot which I did and then go to Season's Beatings which I didn't. The alternative plans ended up being better than the original.
First the photo shoot...It was absolutely great. I was nervous. I had never did anything like that before. I usually never have my picture taken. I usually the one taking the pictures because I don't think I take good pictures. But from the ones I saw, they were good. I can't wait to get them and post a few here and on Fetlife.
We took a variety of photos. Some with clothes, some with nighties, some partially dressed and even nude. The photographer noticed that I had a bratty side and was ornery. He also took the time to talk which helped me relax.
Then I contacted the Dominant that I had plans to attend Season's Beatings with but I was ask if I really wanted too. I really didn't care if we attended, I knew I just wanted some play time so I ask if he had something else in mind. I was hoping he would say come to my house and we will have a session but instead he said he wanted to go to a bar. There was someone he wanted me to meet. I thought "damn, no play" but agreed with the hope that there would be some play. I decided to try and be patient which really isn't a strong suit for me.
We went to this quaint little bar where another of his subs bartends. She was beautiful with nice tits and body. It was her birthday and she was working her ass off. We didn't get much time to talk but I get the feeling we will in the future.
I actually thought for a while that we were close to a 3sum. D had ask m to come and play if she got off work early. I was a little nervous due to my inexperience but excited because it would have been a great time. I just had that feeling. Unfortunately, she didn't get off work in time and we left.
When we arrived back to his place, I was nervous which seem to be the theme of the evening. He said he didn't know weather to tie me up or just caress me. I suggested tying because that is what I so wanted and he complied. I had also mentioned a blindfold earlier in the evening and he produced one for the evening.
He bound my breasts, my hand behind my back and blindfolded me. He had been rubbing my clit and pitching my nipples while tying. After getting me bound, he ordered me to lay on the bed which is when he started to apply the clothes pins. Wooden clothes pins are so different then plastic. I could have wooden one put on my pussy lips and walk around with them, I couldn't with the plastic.
After putting several on my pussy lips, I ask for something inside me. Of course, I was denied. He then proceeds to put several on each of my breasts. At this point, I remembered reading about working through the pain and that's what I started doing. The pain started to fade and again became an annoyance. Then he began using the dildo.
Oh, this is what I wanted. I wanted to feel something in me. I would of preferred the real thing but anything was good. I was wet. At one point I believe I may have been close to squirting. I think there were several reasons I didn't one I didn't want to totally loose myself at this point. I do have a habit of making messes and I don't know how he feels about them. Plus we are still new to each and building our trust level.
When I was done, he stopped. The finishing touch was the dildo hit my cervix and caused me some uncomfort, ok pain. Because I was able to adjust, the pain of the clothes pins returned. I couldn't block it. Everything hurt at this point.
He then began to remove the clothes pins which brought me to tears. This was the first time that I had ever allowed myself to go to this level or anyone to take me there. I've always been afraid of pain to an extent.
The one thing that I find I like is how he controlled me. He used the ropes, holding either from the back or front, and of course pulling my hair. After removing the clothes pins, he grabbed the rope in the front and pulled me up. When I said I was dizzy and he knew my legs were weak, he let me sit back down, stroking my hair and talking too me. He then stood me up to make sure I was ok and to finish untying me.
I find it funny that he called me a pain slut. I would have never considered myself a pain slut because I thought those were more the ones that liked canes, paddles and whips. The ones that liked to be beat, not the more sutle pain that I seem to like to experience.
I'm still processing this experience. I feel it was good, actually great. I believe D is what I needed at this time. I've been hesitate and even afraid to give control but I think at some point I have to begin to trust in myself if I'm ever going to have what I actually want. So I think this is a beginning point for me. I do appreciate that he listens and talks to me. He also read my blog. Right now he is holding one against me but that is ok. I can't change my reaction. I may have over reacted but that is apart of me but at least I wasn't stupid enough to take my anger out on him.
The funny thing, I wasn't angry at him. I was angry with myself for believing in something. I always make all these plans in my mind and when things don't turn out the way there suppose too, the way my mind has them playing out. I'm upset and hurt. Someday things will work out my way...maybe...
First the photo shoot...It was absolutely great. I was nervous. I had never did anything like that before. I usually never have my picture taken. I usually the one taking the pictures because I don't think I take good pictures. But from the ones I saw, they were good. I can't wait to get them and post a few here and on Fetlife.
We took a variety of photos. Some with clothes, some with nighties, some partially dressed and even nude. The photographer noticed that I had a bratty side and was ornery. He also took the time to talk which helped me relax.
Then I contacted the Dominant that I had plans to attend Season's Beatings with but I was ask if I really wanted too. I really didn't care if we attended, I knew I just wanted some play time so I ask if he had something else in mind. I was hoping he would say come to my house and we will have a session but instead he said he wanted to go to a bar. There was someone he wanted me to meet. I thought "damn, no play" but agreed with the hope that there would be some play. I decided to try and be patient which really isn't a strong suit for me.
We went to this quaint little bar where another of his subs bartends. She was beautiful with nice tits and body. It was her birthday and she was working her ass off. We didn't get much time to talk but I get the feeling we will in the future.
I actually thought for a while that we were close to a 3sum. D had ask m to come and play if she got off work early. I was a little nervous due to my inexperience but excited because it would have been a great time. I just had that feeling. Unfortunately, she didn't get off work in time and we left.
When we arrived back to his place, I was nervous which seem to be the theme of the evening. He said he didn't know weather to tie me up or just caress me. I suggested tying because that is what I so wanted and he complied. I had also mentioned a blindfold earlier in the evening and he produced one for the evening.
He bound my breasts, my hand behind my back and blindfolded me. He had been rubbing my clit and pitching my nipples while tying. After getting me bound, he ordered me to lay on the bed which is when he started to apply the clothes pins. Wooden clothes pins are so different then plastic. I could have wooden one put on my pussy lips and walk around with them, I couldn't with the plastic.
After putting several on my pussy lips, I ask for something inside me. Of course, I was denied. He then proceeds to put several on each of my breasts. At this point, I remembered reading about working through the pain and that's what I started doing. The pain started to fade and again became an annoyance. Then he began using the dildo.
Oh, this is what I wanted. I wanted to feel something in me. I would of preferred the real thing but anything was good. I was wet. At one point I believe I may have been close to squirting. I think there were several reasons I didn't one I didn't want to totally loose myself at this point. I do have a habit of making messes and I don't know how he feels about them. Plus we are still new to each and building our trust level.
When I was done, he stopped. The finishing touch was the dildo hit my cervix and caused me some uncomfort, ok pain. Because I was able to adjust, the pain of the clothes pins returned. I couldn't block it. Everything hurt at this point.
He then began to remove the clothes pins which brought me to tears. This was the first time that I had ever allowed myself to go to this level or anyone to take me there. I've always been afraid of pain to an extent.
The one thing that I find I like is how he controlled me. He used the ropes, holding either from the back or front, and of course pulling my hair. After removing the clothes pins, he grabbed the rope in the front and pulled me up. When I said I was dizzy and he knew my legs were weak, he let me sit back down, stroking my hair and talking too me. He then stood me up to make sure I was ok and to finish untying me.
I find it funny that he called me a pain slut. I would have never considered myself a pain slut because I thought those were more the ones that liked canes, paddles and whips. The ones that liked to be beat, not the more sutle pain that I seem to like to experience.
I'm still processing this experience. I feel it was good, actually great. I believe D is what I needed at this time. I've been hesitate and even afraid to give control but I think at some point I have to begin to trust in myself if I'm ever going to have what I actually want. So I think this is a beginning point for me. I do appreciate that he listens and talks to me. He also read my blog. Right now he is holding one against me but that is ok. I can't change my reaction. I may have over reacted but that is apart of me but at least I wasn't stupid enough to take my anger out on him.
The funny thing, I wasn't angry at him. I was angry with myself for believing in something. I always make all these plans in my mind and when things don't turn out the way there suppose too, the way my mind has them playing out. I'm upset and hurt. Someday things will work out my way...maybe...
Monday, December 3, 2012
Photo Shoot
Several of my friends have done fetish photo shoots. There is a new photographer that is offering to do shoots. I sent him a message telling him how much I liked his work and he has offered me a shoot. I'm so excited. I've never thought about doing anything like this. I'll have some great pics to post.
More information to come.
More information to come.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Another Meet N Greet
I went to another local meet n greet. I thought it would be nice to start attending and getting to know those in my area. The first one was last month was a little loud but had a few more people that attended. I was able to meet a couple that had been online friends.
This time there was less people and it was quieter. We were able to have more private conversations, get to know each other a little better. This is a good start to building a strong community in an area that isn't really accepting of our lifestyle.
This time there was less people and it was quieter. We were able to have more private conversations, get to know each other a little better. This is a good start to building a strong community in an area that isn't really accepting of our lifestyle.
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