Seeking the Dom for Me

There are a lot of blogs and threads on Fetlife talking about how to find a Dom/Master. I think the most important thing is you should know you. You may not know what your looking for but you should have some idea of you or you will be searching blindly.

You should use the tools available to help you explore you such as a BDSM checklist. Luna at Submissiveguide.com has serveral activities to help a newbie learn and explore yourself in and effort to be a better submissive.

With that said, I'm currently attempting to find the Dom/Master for me. This is appearing to be a more difficult task then what I thought it would be. Some you find on the different social sites are masking themselves as a Dom/Master. They have become very adapt at influencing the weaker submissives. They look for ways to exploit with no real purpose except for their own self benefit.

Currently I'm talking to several men the declare themselves as Dominates. G has been in the running for over a year. However, there is something going on in his life that prevents him from wanting to meet me and advancing our relationship to the next level.

Then there is M. He fascinates me and I'm very intrigued. He offered to pay for me to visit and I'm planning on visiting him but family issues keep me in my state. I continue to communicate with him. He would be a LDR but he would allow for me to take care of my sexual needs. There are some stipulations which I could very well live with.

The last one, Mr is the most confusing. I've been talking to him for a short time and he seems to be more a swinger than Dominate. He does have the Dominate attitude but I'm not exacting feeling comfortable. When he talks to me its more about potential sexual involvement but doesn't say much about the BDSM side.

I've never done a gangbang and really didn't have an interest in doing one. I really don't know why. It maybe that I have never really received a lot of face to vace attention from men. Its seems like the internet has opened a door but that is only words. When it come to face to face like being out, I don't get attention. I'm not approached, very little conversation. I've gotten a little off track but this is apart of my ongoing search.

You see Mr speaks about me participating in gangbangs. It appears that he only wants control over my sex life. He hasn't talked about continuing my exploration of bondage or sensual BDSM.

I'm still working through issues of trust. I think it will be resolved when I find someone that I'm comfortable being with and can relax and let go. I continue with my search. Hopefully this will the year but if it isn't, let me have a good time exploring and meeting people.

Reflections

I think some people would be amazed at the woman I have become and others would be surprised. Which depending on the person could be good or bad. I like the person that I have become but I see a lot of growing room especially where with my submissiveness.

I think we all do a self evaluation especially when it is getting close to the end of the year. We look to make changes or adjustments so to improve ourselves for the upcoming year.

As I look at the year, it had been difficult in the beginning. I had a supposed boyfriend who stated he was a Dom but I would clearly classify him as a "Creepy Dom", at least according to several threads I have read speaking about bad dominates. Then I was in such a frenzy to experience the physical side of BDSM, I attempted to jump into the first relationship I could. Eventhough, I told myself I was going to take it slowly. I could have chosen to be a play partner but opted for the second in the household. Of course, I was unsuccessful and I have only myself to blame. In both relationships, I didn't listen to myself. I felt things weren't right but continue to pursue. We live and we learn.

However, because of the treatment that I have received from men in the past, I have become skepical about any chance of a potential relationship. I start talking to a man and for one reason or another interaction ceases. Sometimes I end it cause I get those uncomfortable feelings. Other times, the texting or IMing just stops with the indication given as they have been busy and just loose track. I don't really understand that reasoning. If the person truely wanted to become involved wouldn't they make more effort to maintain a pattern of communication.

As for my writing this blog, I feel that I have improved. At times, I think its unorganized but that is usually during periods of crisis which causes my perceptions to be irrational and paranoid.

Amazing

Nothing really happening on the submissive front but it was an amazing week. A lot of people from the past has re-entered my life or attempted too. There has been 2 that are very memorable. One is my life time friend who I have known since I was 2 years old. I had lost contact with her when my family was forced to move to a new city. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years and she managed to locate me on FB. We have emailed several times and I'm planning to travel and see her as soon as possible.

The other memorable person to enter my life is the person that actually introduced me to D/s. He was actually just a booty call or I should say a friend with major benefits. I have thought about out time together and wished I could share my decisions to enter the lifestyle with him. He, too, located me on FB. We both have experience some major life changes but will spend time exploring each other again. He is one of the few people that don't judge me. He allows me to be me. He not a Dom but in some sense he has opened the door to this wonderful lifestyle but I don't think he really knows it. He, as others, wants to be my Master but his isn't Master material. He isn't my final resting place so to speak but the near future will be a pleasant ride.

Weeding Out

Well, according to the status, my blog is getting read which is more than I ever expected. I was actually hesitate to share my feelings and thoughts but everyone has been so supportive.

On the Dom front, there really isn't much to tell. I have several that have sent me messages on Fetlife. I've responded. I have even spoken with a few through Yahoo IM but no one that really jumps out at me. Most are out of state which is what I prefer. Those in state, I can't even begin to know who to trust and who not too. The reason is a post all in its self.

Back to the men, its been a long time since I felt the touch of a man. I allowed my need to overcome me and I agreed to meet someone. I hadn't even ask for a pic which is usual for me. I also choose someone that was connected to a bitch that has caused nothing but trouble in my life for the last 3 years. I allowed my need to feel the touch of another to over rule all that I built to protect me. However, he managed to make me feel uncomfortable enough to back out just days before our pending meeting.

When someone approaches, you have an expectation that they want to be with you for whatever reason. Maybe if he likes what he taste, he will want to develop something longer term than just a night. But when all the dude wants to talk about is having a 3sum without even trying you first, there is a problem from the beginning. I even stated I wanted us to fuck before including anyone else. But he continued to talk about including another female. I finally stated I didn't think he had the right person. I don't mind being a booty call but at least give me the attention while we are together. Once we are both comfortable, lets explore and include others.

I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't be meeting this new guy. I really need some physical interaction. I'm tired of servicing myself. I'm tired of sexting.

But on the light side, I have had some positive interactions. I'm planning some vacations that will be associated with the individuals that seem appealing. There is one in California, another in Texas; and, of course, I want to return to Florida.

One of my more positive interactions is a female. She found my ID in a yahoo group. Its more of a swing group but she has said she is living a D/s relationship. She is married to a BBC and speaks about some of the things they do. The parties they have. I believe she is a Domme. Well, she has stated she is a Domme. She has mentioned meeting me which I find quite exciting and think I would enjoy. She would dominate me and I believe her husband would totally take me over.

First Play Party

Well I can now say that I have experienced a play party. I didn't participate in play because this first time I just wanted to observe. I had never been to one and didn't know what to expect. Plus I'm a little insecure in this area because I have such limited experience in play.

Ok...I had decided to take the weekend off from work for several reasons. The biggest reason being my birthday. I try to do something around my birthday to relieve some of my depressive symptoms. But me and being depressed on my birthday is another blog in its self.

I search events trying to find something to attend that weekend knowing I was going to be off and not wanting to stay at home. I had also been told in one of my threads on Fetlife to go to munches and events. I needed to get out and meet people.

I orginally had planned to go in the opposite direction of the state to attend a play party. However, due to some potential drama and not knowing who to trust, I decided to go to an area where I didn't know anyone. My thought was this could be a new start so to speak. People could get to know me based on their experience and not the rambling of a vengeful, bitter person who is just seeking attention. So for safety reason, I went in the opposite direction. I think this was a very good decision for me.

I found that the Purple Rose Society had posted an event for that day. It included a munch, demo and play party. Munches, I have attended so I knew what to expect but the rest was up in the air.

The demo was on Sensual Humiliation. It was presented by Dan and Dawn who are national presenters. This type of humiliation is very sutle and effective. I don't even think that some realize that they are experiencing it. The idea is to set up a task, or a series of, that will bring out the inner slut, to take the submissive or slave to another level of service and to push their limits. I believe this is an area I would like to explore further.

During the break, me and another who were first timers, were approached by a group of individuals who wanted to answer questions and make our experience a pleasant one. Then after the demo was finished and the dungeon was being set up, I was approached by a submissive that was in the earlier group. She ask if I had any questions. I had a few but the biggest one on my mind was concerning play and penetration. She informed me that there was no penetration at this event (site). However, at other events, penetration could be acceptable. She even offered to go into the dungeon with me when I wanted to watch some play. We continued to speak and then I decided I wanted to see what play was all about.

I think in the past, first timers have been overwhelmed when they first experienced play sessions so to prevent that members approach, explain things, answer questions and concerns. And in general, provide support and encouragement to help with the first timers continued exploration of the lifestyle and themselves.

Dan, one of the presenters, also approached several times during the night to ask how things were going, to offer to answer questions and provide support.

When we entered the dungeon, several people were playing. It was interesting to watch the different styles and approaches. Since play is individualized, each Dominate was aware of what the sub/slave needed and wanted. Even when a sub/slave was being flogged or padded, there didn't appear to be harshness. The Dominate continually spoke to the sub/slave to ensure everything was alright. This was different than what I had thought after some of my readings and viewing pics and videos. No one seemed to be in pain. It appeared to be all pleasure and fun.

I hadn't planned to play. I only intended to watch. With this in mind, I think I left earlier because I didn't want anyone to approach and ask me to play. I would have said yes. I wanted to play...I wanted to experience but something stopped me. I don't think it was my lack of trust because I felt very comfortable with the situation and atmosphere.

Dungeon etiquette was explained to me. It was really simple. You could watch but you needed to remain quiet so not to distract any of the participants. You also shouldn't enact with the sub/slave during playing so not to ruin the energy or their mindset.

I can't return for another play party. I may be brave enough to play.

Getting Ready

I'm getting so excited. In 12 days I will be attending my first play party. I really don't know what to expect or wear. I have posted to Fetlife a question about what to wear.

I think I'm moving along with learning to be a submissive. I'm not in the frenzy I once was to experience. I don't trust and with the realization, I have slowed down. I'm chatting and planning to attend events. This isn't something that I have to achieve in a day...I think I've come a long way.

LOL Day

I just read another's blog on LOL Day. Its amazing that they have dedicated a day for bloggers to love their lurkers. This is just a hoot...lol.

I've noticed my status have increased in just a few short months. I've also gained a few followers.

I didn't really think my writing was that good so I haven't posted a link on my Fetlife page like I've seen. But I also don't want those hidden enemies to have this site. This is a safe place for me to write so that I can process what I'm learning and experiencing. I don't need my feelings and thoughts used against me.

Drama

Everytime I think things are done and over with B, he does something to provoke a reaction. Its usually not the reaction that he wants but, of course, I react. Well yesterday was no different. I must say there were a couple of times that I didn't react like when he tried to get into my email accounts. Of course, he was unsuccessful.

I thought everything was done the first weekend of the month. That everything had been said and we were not going to communicate again. I was good with this because as I had stated from the beginning of our relationship the only thing he had to offer me was dick. This is the only reason that I agreed to meet him each time that he has contacted me. I knew in January when he contacted me and spent a day together that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. He broke the trust and respect that I had for him. He had proven that he wasn't this man that was honest and had integrity. He was just like all the rest and even displayed the same patterns of behavior. And because of this I couldn't trust or respect him. I felt the need to be near him but knew there was no relationship in the future.

The door to the lifestyle had opened and I so wanted to immerse myself in it. I ask him several times to explore play with me but realized I was glad he never followed through. I felt he would involve others that wanted to harm me or he himself would because he wouldn't pay attention to my limits. This was one of the reasons I continued to attend munches and develop relationships with other Dominants.

Yesterdays threats were the lowest ever. I received a voice mail from a female who blocked her phone number and didn't leave her name. She stated I was a "cunt" and she had printed my information from Fetlife. She stated she intented to send to an ex (prior to B) and to my employer. She even stated 2 of the locations at which I have worked that she intended to send too. B was the only one to have all the information. Plus B has mentioned the prior ex several times. He even text stating he hopes he (prior ex) beats my brains out.

The difference between me and them. I address the problem with the person I have it with. They hid by blocking their number and not identifying themselves. When someone does this, it gives the appearance of not being honesty. It also shows their childish, high school behaviors. We are all over 30, can't we act like adults.

Through a texting, he continues to be dishonest and call me names. I had attempted to call him but he refused to answer. Then he called me. I didn't allow him to speak. I said what I needed and hung up. His response was to send 2 additional text. Karma is a bitch and will catch up to him.

I can close the door on this relationship knowing that I had submitted to him and did my best to care for him. Our relationship was a LDR since he was a truck driver. So when he came to the area I would get a motel room so that he could have a night of comfort instead of being cramped in a cab of his truck. I would go to different places for food so that he could have something different than what he was use too. I even bought him gifts so he would have some comforts while on the road. I really don't know what I could have did different but I did what I thought I was suppose too since I wasn't getting any guidance.

I'm hoping that I can now put all this aside and concentrate on my submissiveness. I spoke with a friend and expressed my concerns with attending a play party alone because of everything that is going on. He suggested a big event for me to attend in Febuary. I told him of an event I planned to attend in November. He stated he was going in November and re-assumed me that if trouble was started by anyone. The event personal would address the issue. He also stated he would let me know if there were individuals that were trustworthy to play with. He also told me I could call and vent to him anytime.

I am so glad that I found Fetlife. I have found some really good people and a wealth of information. Don't get me wrong there are those that aren't nice but the supportive ones out weigh the unkind.

I plan on to continue reading books, threads and blogs to help with provid insight into my submissiveness and improve my ability to submit to my future Dominant. I also plan to attend events now that I know I won't need to go alone. I may attend single but I won't be alone. I'll have trustworthy individuals that I may actually be comfortable enough to participate in the play. The future looks a little brighter.

Here's a quote that I hope all can appreciate..."I'm sarcastic and a smartass....It's a natural defense against stupidity, drama, and bullshit."

Interviewing a potential Dominate/Master

When I determined that the person I thought would be my Dominate wasn't going to fill that role, I was at a loss how to look or find one that was suited to me. To find an individual that I trusted, had respect for and dependent on while in comprising situations. I have read several threads and blogs with a similar tone so I know I'm not the only one to be distressed with finding a Dominate/Master.

Luckily, others have already wrote about their experiences and how they handle certain situations. Plus I was fortunate to stumble on to submissiveguide.com who writes about issues that submissives and slaves may face in their quest for the perfect relationship. Since I have been receiving the newsletters, there has been a 2 part series talking about what to look for. Its "Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 and 2". I'm sure a novice or newbie would be quit interested in these two articles. I was. It has helped me to develop a dialog with potential Dominates. When potential Dominates dont fit with information that I have previously read or learned, I can then ask why the difference.

Now I usually ask what the potential Dominates view on the role of a Dominate and submissive. Also, something that I picked up on my own was what philosophy they trained or acknowledged. The last question seems to be tricky because they ask what I mean. I have learned that there are subsets within the lifestyle that have very defined ideas on community and roles within that community. When they aren't able to answer this, I give me a red flag. Are they serious about the lifestyle or just a fake?

If your question session doesn't give you some ease, it might be wise to move on to the next. Don't allow one to attempt to exert dominance when it is unwanted. What I have learned, you need to negotiate and feel comfortable with what you choose.

Something else I've been thinking about is the potential Dominate's involvement in the local community. It appears when they have involvement, they are concerned with their reputation. Its just something else to consider.

When can the past be the past

When entering a new relationship, I think the past ones should be left alone. They failed for a reason and an individual usually has hope that the new will not end up as the old. You want to trust and believe in the new while still maintaining the knowledge that patterns from the past may present. But both are different people. You have experienced another relationship to learn and grow. While the other participate has done the same with his past experiences.

Why do some insist on harping on that which has failed? Why do they need to continue to insert themselves and ruin what doesn't include them? Why are they so bitter that they can't allow happiness?

I must stipulate that those injecting themselves aren't always the ex but a third party. Most of the time, the third party feels they have to fight a battle that doesn't exist. Third parties also think they need to "warn" the new of the past perceived problems that don't exist.

Longing

I long to be touched. Its been awhile since I have had intimate contact.
I long to be tied up. To be restrained while attempting to get free.
I long to have a pair of lips on my breast, sucking and biting.
I long to have a man's hand touching my body, rubbing and caressing.
I long to be used as I should be. To have my hair pulled, ass smacked and another body slamming into mine.
I long to be tortured with a variety of sensual sensations with the end result being safisification.
I long to be cuddled and carassed til I go to sleep, feeling safe and secure in his arms.

The lies catch up

"Q: Not sure how to ask this but I was seeing a Man that introduced me kinda to D/s I did my best to be what he wanted but the communication was lacking and too many long absences without any reason We were on and off for about a year. I loved him with all my heart I still do. One day I got a message from another woman asking about our relationship, how often I saw him ect. I called him immediately he was very upset and told me to tell her to forget about it. Then he broke things off with me again saying he had issues he couldn’t be in a relationship. then we were back and he said he loved me. but things were still the same very little contact unless he was in the area (he drove truck) In Jan I wrote to him saying I couldn’t do this anymore I needed to get off the roller coaster. I never heard back from him. Then one day he calls me, He misses me and wants to see me. I told him i missed him too and wanted to see him. Then a couple weeks later I get a message from Him saying He was in a relationship and our friendship was hurting it and he had to end it. I said Iunderstood. Then I got messages from him again saying that we will meet again and sure enough we did. It was like time had stood still. I fell asleep and woke up to find him looking at my profile on fetlife. I never even knew he was on that site. I left and went home. I searched for his page and saw that he was in a relationship with the girl that had messaged me about him. I went to her page and saw that he was to collar her. I cried and regretted seeing him. about a week after he collared her he sends me a message wanting to see me. I told him I now have a Trainer/mentor that he would have to go through him. His reply was I will not ask permission for something that belongs to me. of course my reply was that he chose her he collared her. Now my question is how dose he feel I belong to him? I really don’t understand his thinking at all He knows he has my heart I think he always will but I know he isn’t good for me at all so I need to be strong. I am doing much better now especially with the help of my Sir but sometimes thoughts just creep up on you. I asked him this and as usually he didnt answer and when I told him i would not sneak around behind her back he really got upset with me."

This was the relationship that B and I had. There were some differences but mostly similarities. Of course me being reactive, I questioned him. This was our interaction:

Me Im attempting a dialog w/u. Ur showing ur ill manners by not resonding. It is so disrespectful.

B No what's. Disrespectful is the texts you send with your choice of words until you can act like you have some sense don't say anything to me because I won't respond

Me Fine…if u want respect u need 2 earn it. U don’t own or control me. U lost that priveledge.

B Then my answer stands

Me U stated n May we could not b friends. U continue 2 contact. Seeing you or not no longer matters. I felt u wantd some type of interaction but it wont b based on ur whimes.

B I just read your email you should go be with your sir don't contact me again and you question is bullshit

Me I didn’t post that. Someone else did. U should re-read the email

Me Would u like the whole newsletter? I was explaining my anger & txt

B Then why are you fucking with me

Me Cuz the dick was good

B No whyte chocolate wrote it I have seen it

Me So she was talking abt u

B Lol no

B That's why I told you it was bullshit I had seen it before

Me U didn’t respond 2 me. U only ask y I was starting

B But I am done fighting with you we can't be friends I won't have you flaring up because of some shit you have read elsewhere

Me Ok…again ur decision. I have no voice. I will not continue as a yoyo. Stick by ur decision. If I delete u again I will not ever respond 2 u again. We will be finished.

B So be it

Me Good bye

Me This summer I had a cancer scare. The only think I could think of was the 2 times u spoke me & death. Im glad u made the decision u did. I will hold u 2 it.

B Why are you still contacting me I will not be spoken to like that even if I am not your dom and you don't respect me then fuck off leave me alone

With our encounter in August, I thought I had put my emotions in check. That is until I had seen the above question. It just brought all my hurt and anger back to the surface. All the lying, cheating, disloyalty, verbal abuse, meanness and just the attempt to inflict the most emotional pain.

I had told him about a week ago that I didn't respect or trust him. He didn't realize that I was serious when I said that. He felt that he could just smooth everything over if he let some time go by.

These are previous interactions:

Feb 12, 2010
I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I shut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own

May 18, 2010
I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do

Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text

So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont
Ok then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off

You read them but its cool I don't give a fuck no more we are beyond repair beyond being friends

This relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I don't trust which prevents me from playing. I doubt what I'm being told because it seems like all the men that have been in my life have lied. I'm suspicious when approached by an individual who has one of the infamous third parties as friends. Am I being approached because they see me as a person they want to learn about? Or is it because of the lies that the third parties are reporting?

Can a sub have more than one Dom?

I saw this question in a Fetlife group and didn't really think a lot about it at the time. But now I'm reading An Owned Life by Dennis Najee which makes me ask "can a sub have more than one Dom"? According to the definition of a D/s relationship that Mr Najee is providing within his book which is "submission is limited in scope" and ceases at the end of the designated activity that it is possible as long as the sub is able to fulfill the needs of the Dom she is serving and lives up to the role as discussed between the parties.

Now, I understand that most Dominates would not like to share. But in the case of LDR (long distance relationships) or even those based solely on-line this would be suitable to all parties. Ok, I've thrown it out there, what's everyone think.

I have sent this question to Dennis Najee to get his opinion also.

The Woman

I've realized that Dominants aren't seeing me as the woman who wishes to submit. They look at a picture and draw their own conclusions without even investigating. They are putting me in a box and don't believe that I can exist outside that illusion.

They don't see the strength that I have had to possess and continue to hold. They don't see that I have their best interest at heart. That others won't be honest and tell them things that I will. The others fear discipline but I don't for I have how society views them, their reputation, too uphold. But isn't this all apart of the duty of a submissive. They don't see I want them to be the best person possible and that is the reason I continue to bring issues to their attention.

They don't see my intelligence, loyalty or devotion. They don't see I enhance the man beside me. They don't see my integrity. They believe I am incapable and helpless when the opposite is the truth.

Maybe someday a Dominant will see me for what I truely am. A woman who wishes to submit and serve a Master of strength and conviction.

Realizing

Of late, I have had a lot of time to think about my different relationships and the reason they have failed. Its not the blame for one or the other, its all parties involved which includes their life experiences. The common factor is the lack of honesty on all parties. Let me explain.

B, the first man to approach me that admitted he was a Dom and had lived the BDSM lifestyle. He also stated he had been in the lifestyle (swing and BDSM) his whole adult life. I'm finding inconsistency through his statements. He maybe a Dom but he isn't a Master. He hasn't learned how to nurture a unacknowledged submissive who is interested in the lifestyle. He may know how to use the tools but doesn't have the abilities to be a true Dominant or Master which would create a nurturing, loving and fulfilling relationship.

When I became aware of my interest in the lifestyle, I ask him for assistance to help me learn, explore and experience. Instead of helping me and providing me with direction, he states he didn't want to influence me into the lifestyle. He left me to shift through a mountain of information and figure out every step for myself. There was no guidance, no experiencing and no follow through. He was dishonest about the type of man he was and his integrity.

I was dishonest with what I wanted and needed. I actually wasn't directly dishonest. I just didn't want to admit what I wanted or needed. I didn't want to admit weakeness. I didn't want to admit what I didn't understand and couldn't accept. I degress but this was my part,

He actually only wants a slave. He wants TPE with no questions or negotiations. A contract means he can continue his "playa" persona while having his slave waiting. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't give anything back but she is required to give everything. He really doesn't provide a boundary between vanilla and the lifestyle. Its all about him and he is unable to see anything else. His view is correct and if you attempt to infer differently regardless of the tone, the sub or slave is the one being disrespectful. Everyone else is to blame, never...never him.

If he would be honest, he would acknowledge he wants a poly relationship. But he states he is an honorable man and don't cheat while in a relationship that is until he has a contract secured. Cheating is cheating as long as one party isn't aware. I don't trust or respect him any longer.

G was the next Dom I meet. I meet him online and we chat regularly. He has attempted to gain control over aspects of my life but I have continued to withdrawal. He has been supportive and provided some direction. He ask me to do some assignments that were thought provoking and allowed me to grow. I see him as wanting control but I don't know for what reason.

Another aspect of our relationship is the distance. He lives at least 7 hours away. I use to ask often about visiting but have given up. Both of our lives are complicated. I use to think he just didn't want to see me but I don't know. I'm inpatient and don't like waiting. I often wondered if this was his way of teaching me patience. He's guarded so I don't think I will ever know.

With this relationship, there is no exchange or at least I don't see it. There is me giving which is why I have continued to pull back when he attempts to exert control. I usually permit him some control but withdraw it when I feel I'm not receiving anything in the exchange. We continue to chat almost daily. We have some great conversations. I just don't know what he wants from this interaction. Is there an end goal? I doubt that we will ever meet but things do happen when you least expect.

M is different. He doesn't attempt to take control. When we met I expressed an interest in experiencing things with no ties. He has complied with that request. He spoke with me to find out what I wanted to experience then allowed me to experience. The scenes we have had have been basic but very enlightening. He has provided me with assignments that have been thought provoking and has ask what I want. There is a dialog between us that hasn't existed with the others. He has offered to be more in my life but I have declined. I see us as great friends. He and his slave are someone that I can trust fully.

S was an attempt at something I wasn't. I felt I was being honest with him. He continued to encourage. I think I surprised him when I requested to become apart of his house hold. I wanted some much to be apart of something and made a decision that I shouldn't have. I had even started to trust both of them. Things were clear and no explanations were made as to what exactly went wrong. Why they only wanted to offer friendship and not continue to train. Oh well, one lives and learns. I'm not sorry I made the decision but wish I wouldn't had been so gullible.

I really don't know where I'm going or where any of this will lead me but I continue on. I read blogs, different postings on Fetlife and I'm making friends with that I chat with and gain insight from their experiences. The one thing I need to overcome is my trust handicap. At some point, I will need to put faith into someone. But for now, I will continue as I am. That is til someone comes to sweep me off my feet...literally.

Continuing Search

I really don't know where I'm currently heading. I seem to have stalled in the middle of the road. I want to continue to explore but have had some recent experiences that shake my ability to trust. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need to get out and meet new people.

I posted in a Fetlife group that I thought I might have waited too long to explore this lifestyle. The responses were encouraging. One even told me to check other sites and provided a list. Another encouraged me to get more involved in my local community. I've actually searched for events and want to attend a play party. However, it has been suggested that you don't attend alone and I don't really have anyone to attend with me.

I've continued to follow several blogs which have been very informative. Also topics that are of interest are discussed along with their day to day interactions with their Dominants. I'm also following blogs that are wrote by Dominants which provide insight to how one thinks and reacts to some situations. The only thing I'm really lacking is physical experience which I've been really anxious to try.

The one thing that really amazes me is most view me as they want to see me. They really don't take the time to get to know me. To know what I like or learn how I will react to some situations. They don't see I'm capable of providing exceptional service. My abilities are unnoticed.

My current plans are to continue to read, learn and experience when possible. The search for a Dominant will not have any importance at this time. If a Dominant that I can trust and that I'm attracted to should present, it will be all good.

Interesting

I've been viewing my stats and I'm amazed that my page is getting reviewed. I started this blog to improve communication with my potential Dom. We were in a long distance relationship. However, that didn't work. He never read my blog. I know that 2 Dom friends have read some.

After the relationship failed, I continued to write as an outlet. I've had feedback on a couple of blogs which I find very interesting and I appreciate those that have responded. But I also began to explore and read other blogs on a regular basis. The information contained in the blogs have been great. Some even allows me to gain additional insight into myself and possible areas to work on.

Analyzing

I have had time to think about my last involvements. B once said I was too busy wanting to please the flesh instead of training my mind. I actually understand this but feel trust has been my stopping point. I can't allow my mind to fall blindly if the person isn't trustworthy. And every time I begin to trust, the person shows me that they really aren't worthy of my trust.

Everyone says things are black and white but talk gray. Statements aren't clear. Like willingness will result in earning. The willingness is there but nothing is ever earned. No training takes place even when ask. My intelligence is ignored. Am I to be mindless when I have been independent and full of thoughts for my entire adult life. I'm told to be me but me isn't what anyone wants.

For a minute I thought I needed to be in a 24/7 relationship to fully learn and gain that mindset that I'm so lacking. But now I think I just need to be a play partner. I need to know what my limits are for the physical play because that is really all I wanted. But I must say the blogs with details and videos do ignite me.

I looking for a Dominate that is able to sense my desire to submit and then takes it. The Dominate probably only exists on paper and I will be continuely disappointed. I'm not going to settle any longer. I'm going to explore, attend events and make friends.

I know

I know why B contacted me...he went and visited his bitch. Of course, she is unable to satisfy him sexually and he always attempts to return to me. Well, that will never be happening again. I do hope I made that clear to him. I guess I need to make the finally change. I need to change my phone number so that he may not contact me again. But then again, that will happen when I move.

That was the blog I started to write. I'm angry at him for doing what he has done which I'm not going to rehash. But I'm more angry with myself because I saw the red flags and didn't trust my head. I allowed my heart to rule. One lives and learns but that seems to fail with me. I keep living but don't learn to listen to my head.

Here is yesterday's horoscope which seemed so fitting.

"Just when you feel like you've come to a point of emotional stability and calm, Scorpio, something happens to throw you off balance. You may be uneasy with the notion of stability and feel what you really want is risk, action, and excitement. This inner conflict makes it hard for you to operate. Try not to overanalyze every piece of the equation. The solution will come to you."

Well, I'm still hurt because that is what happens every time he re-enters my life or attempts too. And, of course, I'm still disappointed in myself. But I'm getting back on track. I did a post last night on Fetlife wondering if I just realized to late in life to change. I received some really positive feedback. I also decided to attend an informative/educational event which was enlightening. Provided the positiveness that was really needed.

Another friend on Fetlife saw my rambling and wants to meet for lunch or dinner. She wants to provide some positive support. She doesn't want me to get discouraged with the lifestyle. I think I'm going to the munch on Thursday just because I need too. It will probably help me over these setbacks that I feel I have had.

Moving Forward

First I must say I'm proud of myself. B contacted me this week wanting to meet for a booty call. I had wanted to but I had my older granddaughters who can't stay alone. He told me he would call on his way back through. I hadn't really responded. Oh how I wish I could have fucked him but its better that I didn't. I'm proud of myself cause I texted him yesterday and requested he not contact me on his way through. I told him I couldn't be his boody call and he made it plain that we had no future. He texted back "ok". Shortly after that he texted again "Sorry for bothering you". I didn't respond to either.

I thought about alot of things since he contacted me. He only cared for his needs. He has a list of numbers that he is able to call but choose to call me and attempt to drag me back into his drama. He made his choice and repeatedly it wasn't me. I love him so deeply but I just can't do what he wants. He didn't recognize anything that I had done or my loyalty, my trust, my devotion.

Of course, all this comes on the tails of the rug being pulled out from under me with S & S. I'm feeling so unwanted at this time. I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright but that is a fantasy. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone. In the last couple of years, the individuals that I have began to trust have rocked me. I just don't know how I will get past the trust issue in the future.

Failing

The one thing that I didn't want to fail at, I have. Shelly wrote to me and stated they wanted to offer me friendship at this time. It was stated I had too much on my plate and needed to concentrate on that. What they failed to realize is that plate will always be full. It has been for 25 years and will be til the day I die. The plate they referred to was with my children and grandchildren.

When I went back down to finish helping to prepare for the wedding, I was determined to take over and be "Me". I was told no to be an Indian and allow the incompetent one to be the chief. I told them I would follow. I would do what was needed. They paid the incompetent one to do the reception. She didn't have the food ready when people started to arrive. There was no coffee. Her children were running around out of control. She began to have a break down. She left the hall prior to clean up and left the rest of us a mess.

As for me, I charmed the family, watched after the babies and tried to make a stress free environment so the couple could enjoy their night. It was noticed I was charming and everyone had good things to say but there was chaos. No one thought of what to do with the children after the reception.

There was a discussion the night before that the babies were going with his mom and the older children would return to the house. Going to the hotel was canceled, we were going to play at home so the older children wouldn't be unattended. Shelly felt that we had earned some play time. There had even been arrangements to have my car driven home by her father so I wouldn't be driving after drinking. I assumed I could drink cause a bottle had been ordered for me. Well the carrot was dangled and I ate it...so to speak, I'm an alcoholic. He stated he was upset because I had drank around his children. I never got intoxicated and I even ran an errand for them which caused me to miss most of the reception. I pushed my body physically to the point that I am still sore today.

All my willingness earned me nothing but being ask to leave. I even think he didn't want to see me the next morning and was upset when I was still present. I left to come home to relax in the pool. I really think I should have just drove home that night even with all the pain I was in.

When I got home, I text to tell them I made it home and I would like to have a conversation in a day or two...she agreed. The conversation came on Monday, not on the phone but by texting. Thats when friendship and a stable support system was offered. Because they didn't get to know me, they didn't know I already have that. I was looking for peace and order. I wanted to give up control over most of my life but the part that includes my children.

The ironic part of this, they keep a slave that is so incompetent that she can't even clean the house to any level. They even have to go over areas that she states are done. They trust her with the babies. This is a mother that allowed one of her children to be taken. If truth be told, I would bet she gave her up. I would never allow her to watch my babies. Well, at least I don't have to deal with her any more. I've been cut loose.

Just another failed relationship...no one wants "me". They want their idea of what "me" is. Obviously, no one wants my submission either. I'm told its a special gift to give but mine keeps getting thrown back in my face.

I think I'm going to leave this lifestyle alone for a while so I wont be writing much. All the men state they are different but patterns keep emerging from them all...the same patterns. So are they really different...I don't think so.

Jumbled thoughts

Alot has happened in the last week. At this point, I don't know what to think or do. I was told to be me and then sent home with the statement "I'm not mad". Maybe I'm too old to change my thought process. Maybe I'm being inpatient. Maybe I'm expecting too from myself. I don't have any expectations and have stated I wont ask for anything. Maybe that is the problem. I've have too many years of conditioning and can't reverse that. I've felt like an outsider looking in and I still have alot of vanilla thinking. Can I change the things that have been ingrained.

I'll provide more details and feelings shortly because I really need to write them out to help me process.

Training

I'm finally getting what I have wanted for a while...training. Its not what I had thought it was but most of my perceptions have come from reading and not experience. Also its more individual based than I realized. I still really don't know how its going but its only been a few days.

Sir and Ma'am are getting married Saturday. Ma'am says she has had a bridezilla moment but I didn't think it was as bad as she stated it was. But then I only seen her after the moment. She seems so organized and together.

I was given a task to complete. Sir and Ma'am were both satisfied, I wasn't. Sir has given me several tasks but they all what I have always did. So they have come very easy. I am concerned that I can't get into mentality fully. I've made the decision to try and that I will.

I have been on information overload the last few days. Sir says I can learn from him and both his slaves. One is truly a slave, I'm a submissive with dominate traits and his primary is a Domme who serves her Master.

Ok...I have received a definition for earning and training. Earning is just willingness. At this time, training is considered learning the dynamics which I think I am. I just haven't figured out where I fit in. I don't have a position but I'm told to consider this my home when I am here. However, I did that and probably over step my bounds where it came to the children. I was also told to be me but I don't think I can. I feel that I am receiving conflicting information and I'm trying to be perfect which really isn't possible but still trying.

More to come later.

Clearer

Over the last 2 weeks, I have had to have some testing. Orginally, I thought it was just a way for the doctor to torture me. However, they think they saw something which then required me to have a CT scan. The results were suppose to be in on Thursday or Friday. Since I hadn't heard anything, I called to get the results. I was then informed that the results were in but the doctor hadn't read them so they weren't available to me. I would receive a call on Monday. This isn't sitting well with me. Anyways, I texted Ma'am and then called.

During the call, we began talking about how I react to somethings. I also again stated I was concerned about subdrop because I have been so depressed that I was unable to get out of bed. I also spoke about being overwhelmed and just wanted to cry several times while still at Sir's. I finally admitted to Ma'am why I was overwhelmed, finances and thoughts of the pending CT scan.

When I was speaking about my moods, Ma'am made the statement "that is why you need a Master". I do believe that having a Master would help me gain some control especially with my moods.

I also spoke about not being able to feel my body respond to some of the activities. Ma'am stated she thought I would respond to her if she was the one doing the play. With the reason being, we have established a bond and I have begun to trust her. My interaction with Sir is so limited which has prevented the trust from being established at this time. I also think its cause men have been the major source of my emotional pain. I've opened up to a couple only to have things thrown in my face and me be ignored. Its really had to get past those feelings when you really aren't able to get to know the person.

Ma'am made alot of sense during our conversation. She also plans to help with cleaning up my credit and getting my finances straight. Ma'am also stated by not opening up, I was preventing myself from getting into mentality or maintaining it.

Mind is Racing

My mind is traveling from one topic to another. Its really hard to stay focused on any one thing. I keep replaying my 2 days and nights with Sir and Ma'am. Then I start thinking about a blog I read where the sub was trying to verbally relate her needs to her Sir and Ma'am. She had always been able to write her needs but not tell them face to face. Here I find myself in the same situation. How can I tell them face to face what I need? Then I think back and realize, Sir might have seen I was upset at one point and when ask I just responded "I'm good...just relaxing". At that point, I really wasn't. I think I just didn't want him to see me as weak. I see crying as weak which is why I don't do it in front of anyone.

When speaking to Ma'am on the phone the other day I told her I cried from the time I hit the freeway to Washington PA. She ask why and I really didn't have a reason. When analyzing what was going on, I was overwhelmed. Thoughts of finances which I'm choose not be be good with, the pending CT scan and results which included negative thoughts from another in the past. No one typically wish harm to another especially one that is to be loved but my ex wished me dead twice in a two week period and now I have a concern with pending diagnosis which could actually kill me.

Ok...now I jump to some of the blogs I'm reading. Most of the subs and slaves experience pain but the Doms/Masters try to create a connection between pain and pleasure. But I have also been told that BDSM activities are separate from sexual activities which leads me to more confussion.

Sexual activities...I feel so deprived but I've felt this way for a while. I don't believe I'm getting enough. I'm in my sexual peak and I'm lucky to get it once a month. I want to be fucked hard and all night. I want to be woke up when even Sir has a need. I want Sir to call me into the bedroom and force me on the bed and fuck the shit out of me.

Ma'am told me that if I was feeling horny all I had to do is request to speak with Sir in private and ask him to use me. Only Sir continues to speak about earning so I don't think it would work for me cuz I just haven't really earned anything with Sir yet. Then I also think about all the times I have requested to be fucked only to be told no...I really don't want to be rejected that will only create cause for me to be disciplined.

Which leads me to continue to wonder, how am I to earn things? I like clarity and I don't have it. I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm being successful due to my lack of knowledge and experience. I can't even figure out if I really did like the lil bit of pain that I received or not. Sir was talking to me but I was so intent on what he was doing, I don't remember half of what he was saying. I was tense and anticipating. Will I be able to let my mind go?

I told Ma'am when I called to say I was close to home that I figured out what I sought. I told her sexual satisifaction, attention and exploration. She ask if I wanted a relationship. I can't really answer that. Apart of me does want a relationship but I don't think the one I want exists so I don't intent to pursue one. I have a great capacity for loving but apparently no one really wants that part of me which is ok. What one doesn't know is never really losted or at least the loss isn't felt.

I've been all over the place with this blog tonight. I don't think anyone will really be able to follow it, let alone understand. I don't think I fully understand.

Moving Forward

Well, I must say I was able to finally get to experience what I was so curious about. I went to visit Sir and Ma'am so I guess I can say my training has begun. I do believe the two days and nights were beneficial. I was able to experience some new feelings.

I work midnights so I had planned to get off work and nap before driving because I can become very tired after working 12 hours. However that isn't the way the afternoon went. Since it was so warm, I decided to float in the pool and somewhat rest for 2 hours. Then I showered and went off to begin experiencing the lifestyle for real.

I texted Ma'am to inform her I was leaving. She returned the text to request I bring them each a pack of cigarettes and there was more but I didn't get the second part. Also I was to kneel and present them each with a pack after the children went to bed. I had ask what the expectations were and I was told to be willing. The only rule was when the children were awake, we were all just friends. She texted me the address. I googled it and printed the directions. I was then off, of course after I stopped to get some refreshments for the trip.

Once getting to the area, I went the wrong way a couple of times but still didn't make bad time. Sir requested to speak with me and we went to another room so the children wouldn't hear. We had a conversation and he again ask what I sought. At this point, I still didn't know what I was seeking. I tried to explain that I was missing something in my life and I believed they could help me with what was missing. I was also able to express that I believed he was missing out on a part of me because he was so focused on the submission. I explained that I believed my submission was only a part of me and there was so much more. Sir listened and didn't get angry or at least that is how it appeared to me. We then had dinner.

The children were put to bed and I followed the instructions of the text. I knelt and presented Sir and Ma'am with their presents. Sir seemed surprised which I think was good. Ma'am went and got 2 collars. Sir placed one on Ma'am. Sir then motioned for me to come before him. I was told the collar was for training. Ma'am also showed me one of Sir's favorite kneeling positions which would be in front of him so that he may have a foot stool. Sir ask how long I could provide service to his cock and I told him I didn't know. Sir had me sucking and licking his cock. Sir requested Ma'am lay with him. We then went to the bedroom for some play time which was sexual. I received a small taste and was told I would have to earn the fucking that Ma'am was receiving. It was beautiful watching Sir slam into her and seeing her ass jiggle. I so wanted more.

Sir gave me a task and I wasn't able to complete it. Ma'am stated she didn't think it was right so would let me do as requested. However, she told Sir I had completed it. Later she told him the truth. We all had a talk. Sir stated I wasn't to let Ma'am get me in trouble when he gave a directive. Sir then ask Ma'am if he had given her too much control over trainging. It was all settled and a new task assigned. I completed this one.

Ma'am and I were able to have several conversations with the attempt to provide me with needed information. I think I was on information overload because I didn't remember to do alot of things. Ma'am stated when in Sir's presence I needed to ask to leave the room. I think I did on the last day but getting up to go to the bathroom is just something that I have always done. Sir told me I was to watch and make sure he always had a full glass of water. At one point, I wasn't paying attention and he just handed me the glass. Of course, I apoligized and filled it quickly.

Ma'am told me in the afternoon that she wanted to do some more serious play which included fire play. When we all went to the bedroom, Sir had his toys laid out for my viewing. We spoke about a few and then I was ask what I wanted to try. I stated the flogger.
The scene was began with Sir using vampire gloves. First he just raked them across my ass, slapping it several time. Sir did state there were lil trickles of blood when he finished. He also had me kneel straight up and took his hands across my breast. Sir grabbed and held my breast several times especially around the nipples. Sir also took Wartenburg Wheels across my breast. Sir ask if he had a beginning pain slut on his hands...I responded no.


I was ask if I wanted it used on me first or did I want to see it used on Ma'am first. I stated I wanted to watch. I chickened out. I had never watched anyone be flogged nor had I been flogged. In hindsight, I should have said me first. After a couple swings, Sir then ordered me down and my ass bared. I was ask if I remembered my safeword which I did. I was re-assured earlier that it was perfectly fine to use the safe word. I moved around but began to anticipate the swings. I believe Sir realized this. Sir then decided to allow me to feel the cane...Oh did it sting.

Next Sir showed me a toy that was an inflatable penis. Sir placed it in my ass and then inflated and deflated several times. At this point, Sir told me to rub my clit. The toy felt good in my ass because I do like anal but when inflated it gave me the feeling that I had to use the bathroom. I told Sir I had that feeling and he excused me to use the restroom but nothing came out. From his statements when I returned, I think he knew the feeling I was having.

As Ma'am stated I was able to experience a lil fire play. I was told about cupping. Sir stated he was going to put one on my breast. I requested he not do that due to me having a CT the next day and someone could see the mark and I would have a time explaining. However, my ass was again fair game. Several were placed on my ass and I didn't really know how to take it or the feeling. I think I will request to try again.

Sir also used a small flogger on my breast. I was flinching and Sir stated he wasn't going to hit me in the face, he was playing with my nipples. I stated that my nipples were really sensitive. Sir thought that might be a good form of punishment. Sir also had nipple clamps out and was going to place them on me. I didn't think I was ready for that type of pain and was permitted to beg not to use them.

So many new experiences occured it really is hard to remember and to put them in the right order but I did try. Sir spoke about nurturing me through new experiences. We also spoke about loyalty and rules which are really simple. Sir has 3 rules of which I can only remember 2. 1 is no drugs and 2 is no other men. Sir stated if either are broke then the relationship is ended. Sir also stated that if mentality was lost there was 24 hour grace for new slaves, 48 for considered and 72 hours for collared. Within the time frames established, the one that lost mentality could request an audience and return to Sir.

All the next day, I continued to feel the sting on my ass. I didn't think it would still exist from the hours before. I drove home with a soar ass. When I got home, I looked at my ass. I could see the bruise from the cane and I had several lil marks that were either from the flogger or cupping. I don't think the cupping left any marks so I'm leaning more toward the flogger.

Overall, I had a couple of very good days. I can't wait to experience the lifestyle further. I have requested to become Sir's slave and live a 24/7 M/s relationship. Because of the distance and things ingrained in me, it will take time. I believe the experience will be worth it.

Today, Ma'am and I spoke on the phone for several hours. Within that time, I was able to open up to her about my finances and family issues. Ma'am plans to help me in a couple of areas which will relieve some stress. I guess the jest of the conversation was it was ok for me to ask for help and I could rely on others...I don't have to do it all myself.

Creating Doubts

I think I truely surprised Sir when I ask to earn a place in his household. He spoke bluntly as usual which caused me to doubt if I was doing the right thing. He told me to make time for a return visit where I would serve him. He told me he was going to fuck my ass and I don't remember alot after that. I went into my own lil space as I had the night we met face to face. That night he was telling me that I was of a higher level and quit messing with those beneath me. I should be playing on there level. I think that was partly the reason I decided pursue a place in Sir's household.

There are a couple of things that really upsets me is that he states he won't have anything to do with me til I come to serve him. I will be trained by Ma'am and go through her to arrange everything. That is all good because we appear to get along well. We think along the same lines. But to get back, what upsets me is how can he truely dominate me or take control if he doesn't get to know me. Chatting is a way for both of us to get to know one another. Plus he also states he don't love the woman, he loves the submission. I think by ignoring the woman, he is missing out on so much. The woman is the whole...her submission is just a part of who she is. I keep wondering how I can totally submit to someone that ignores apart of who I am.

Then there is the fact I can give my body to him but will I be able to give my mind and heart. At this point I don't believe I can. My mind is too strong and because he is choosing to not really deal with me on any level, makes me continue to wonder how can he guide me. As for my heart, that will be protected. It has been given only to be abused. Its best that is remains well protected. So where is this relationship really going? Am I making a mistake to persue? Should I have ask just to be a play partner and not want a position? Am I being dishonest with myself and therefore with him?

I haven't been given alot of details which is also causing doubt. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to prepare. When I ask Ma'am she said the only expectation was to be willing. I haven't been given any rules but I really haven't committed to them yet. I don't want to do anything and then it be viewed as a breach. If I don't know the rules, how do I know if I'm breaking them. I tell people I like to attempt to bend the rules and if not caught, no harm no foul. However, if I'm caught, I will gladly take responsibility. Sir appears to be very strict and again this concerns me.

I've never experienced a D/s relationship and I find myself jumping to a M/s relationship. I have stated "I'm not a slave". However, Sir has taken the time to break it down for me at least where it stands in his househole. It appears really easy on the outside. You submit, do as your told, voice your concerns in an appropriate manner and put home, family and Sir as a priority.

My next visit is scheduled for July 19th. I will be staying with Sir and Ma'am. Ma'am will be training me and I really don't know what to expect.

Submissive Test

I was interested on where I would find my self...I'm amazed at the results cuz I wouldn't have thought humilation would be so high.

Your result for The submissive type Test ...

Slave
You scored 43% Humiliation, 57% Submissiveness, 57% Service, and 42% Pain!

You're the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you.
Good luck in finding your best relationship :)

BDSM Questionnaire

I found this on another blog and thought it would be interesting to answer it now and then again once I have a little more experience.

1. How did you first find out about BDSM?

When I began to explore swinging, things concerning BDSM began to pop up. BDSM groups would have fetish night at several of the clubs. Then I met and started dating a Dom.

2. What was the appeal of BDSM to you?

The exchange of power is of interest to me. I’ve been in total control of all aspects of my life. I would like to give up control if the right situation would present its self.

3. Do you have any friends that are interested in BDSM?

I think a couple might have a light interest but will never admit to it.

4. Have any of the traits of your BDSM life transferred into your real life?

I think it does. I don’t submit to everyone but I attempt to cater to others needs.

5. Are you open about your lifestyle, or do you hide it from people?

I believe I’m open. I’m discreet but if ask I will provide an answer.

6. Are you an exhibitionist?

Yes

7. Is there a place you've ever wanted to masturbate or have sex, but were too afraid or embarrassed to try?

Yes, in an elevator.

8. Do you masturbate?

Yes

9. If so, how often?

As often as needed.

10. Would being "forced" to masturbate by someone make you more or less willing to do it?

Probably more. I don’t masturbate in front of others. It’s a way to satisfy a need that is going uncared for.

11. Are you more masochistic or more submissive, or are you about equal parts of each?

At this point, I’m submissive. I haven’t explored my masochistic side.

12. Have you ever worn a collar?

No

13. If you had a dominant, or if you do have a dominant, what little things would you (or do you) do to make his life a little easier daily?

This one is hard to say. It depends on the Dominate.

14. What two things about you , either physically or mentally, do you consider to be most appealing?

Physically, my eyes are most appealing. Mentally, its my willingness to help.

15. How willing are you to do things that really challenge you?

I’m very willing. I want to explore some of the things that I’m reading about. I want to see if I have any limits and what level of pain I can handle.

16. How willing are you to do things that are somewhat scary?

As long as you I wont be physically harmed.

Over Thinking

Well, I've texted Ma'am several times and had conversations on IM with her. She texted to arrange a visit for me stating she didn't want me to get frustrated. I really don't get frustrated, just anxious and over think.

This week I've really been wondering if I can do this. I think I can do the submissive part focusing on service and providing the service to Sir. What concerns me is the actual S&M part? Can I take the pain that I often read about? This is what I want to experience, I think. I keep waivering.

At my first meeting with Sir and Ma'am, Sir used a belt. He didn't hit too hard but enough to feel it. It really didn't bother me until he hit my pussy. I jumped with that. It wasn't hard but I wasn't use to it. I also moved when I felt pain from the fisting. I was told I could use my safewords and I did. I wouldn't have thought to use safewords and would have just taken it. I've never been forced to take pain. When I didn't want something done, I just moved away. At times I was followed when attempting to move, ie anal sex when I first felt the pain. But once I relaxed and enjoyed the feeling, everything was good.

Another concern is sub drop. I already experience mood swings. How will I deal with the potential depression that comes with sub drop? I don't see Sir as the one to provide very good re-assuring aftercare. He has stated several times that he don't love women, he loves slaves and their submission.

Which leads me to yet another concern, will I ever be able to trust so fully that I'm able to turn complete control over? At this moment, I don't think so. I think for me, the ability to give over complete control will come in time with love and respect. I'm so fearful that the Dom/Master I decide to be with will ignore my limits and not take the time to know me or be aware when something isn't right. Bottom line, I don't think I will be cared for. I have always been ignored to date for someone or something else. I find it hard to accept it will be any different.

In my recent past, I did find someone that I was willing to give complete control to and he did nothing to follow through. He only did things to show me that I wasn't important. I was last on his list of priorities. Oh, how I degress.

Strength

I made a decision this week that I began to doubt. I spoke to Ma'am about earning a place in Sir's household. I stuned her with this request but didn't really surprise her. Ma'am told me of a conversation that occurred after they had left me. She bet Sir that within in 2 weeks that I would beg to earn a position. What shocked her is my request to earn a position for 24/7. I think she thought I would only ask to be a play partner. Sir thought I was content with where I was and I wouldn't ask for anything. Ma'am told me she won a $10 bet.

Sir had stated several times during our evening that he would not be dealing with me that everything would be arranged with Ma'am. So I never thought to appoarch him when I made the request. However, that night he requested my phone number cuz he wanted to speak with me. He was blunt as usual which discouraged me. I think Ma'am could here that when she was placed on the phone. She automatically told me not to take things personally.

Since making the decision I have struggled a lil. I know this is the best decision for me at this time. Sir seems to be what I need to continue my education. My concern is again with me. My oppitional was kicking up. How could I give total control over to anyone? I've had control and been in control for so long. I told Ma'am I had a concern because of my lack of experience and that I didn't think I was a pain slut. She was very reassuring but there still is doubt that lingers.

Tonight I was reading some blogs on feminism and BDSM. This actually puts my mind at easy. I'm still able to be strong but explore a lifestyle that will relieve me of control. In the blog, it speaks about women looking for what is missing and exploring their sexuality. And again, I can so relate. Now I just need to convence my mind to give it up. I don't think this is going to be an easy road but I do think it will be worth it. I also think I have found the right Sir. I once said I was looking for someone strong enough to handle me and I think my choice is it.

I didn't really want to make a choice this early in the summer. I wanted the summer to play. But I also said I would know when the right person came along. I don't think this will be my final stop but its a start.

Fear of Failing

I wrote this as part of an email. "Whats missing is a lil harder to explain. I've observed interactions between D/s and M/s couples but haven't experienced. I really haven't experienced any real play either. I've felt alots of new sensations but nothing as severe as what i have read in some of the blogs i follow. I dont know if I can do it but i also don't have a Dom or Master to explore fully. I'm afraid i can't do what is needed and will again have another failed relationship in a lifestyle i don't want to fail in. I've had disasterous relationships in the vanilla world."

I had made a statement about something missing within my learning and he was asking for an explanation. The above was what I wrote. I have thought a lot about where I want to go and what has held me back and I realized its the fear of failing and the unknown. I think I could actually live in a D/s or M/s relationship with little problem or need for discipline. I want to please.

What concerns me is I have never experienced anything extreme. No one has ever pushed me or been willing to fulfil my fantansies. I don't know how to express my needs and I don't trust because no one has been worthy of being trusted. So far they have all placed themselves above anything else with little care or concern for me. They make statements and fail to follow through which gives the appearance of lying.

When meeting Sir and Ma'am, they seemed very different. I was very impressed and felt very comfortable. Another concern was could I submit to a female and after meeting Ma'am, I think I could. They have similar values as I, like-minded. But the question is can I handle some of the activities...ie: pain.

I think I'm going to ask how I can earn a place in their household. I believe this would be the next step for me in my learning process. I need to belong.

A Night of Firsts

Exploring and meeting people are apart of finding what one seeks. In my case, it is helping me to figure out what I seek. "What do you seek" was a question that was ask several times during my meeting with Sir and Ma'am. Sir ask several times through out the evening so its a question that I have given some serious thought too since. I told Sir that I didn't know what I was seeking. I think he was making reference to our meeting but I still don't know what I was seeking.

I have struggled with the thought of being involved with such a strong couple. As they pointed out, we are like minded. I have confidence in what I'm familiar with but what is unknown is a different. I just don't want to make someone think that I can do something and not be able to follow through. I guess I should actually say I don't want to fail. I feel like I have failed at so many other things that this is one thing that I don't want to feel that way with. Everything is so new, I just don't know where to turn or what to do any more.

However, I do believe that our first meeting was a great success. We enjoyed each others company. I was taken to dinner and had several drinks which was a pleasant change from what normally happens when I meet someone.

A couple of firsts happened for me. I was fisted. Sir attempted but it hurt. Ma'am stated I was to use my safe words, yellow to slow down and red to stop. I used both and Sir stopped. Ma'am then attempted and was successful. She stated I took her fist and didn't appear to have a problem. I then stated I had never been fisted before.

Sir ask for his belt and it was provided. Sir then proceeded to whip me. This is also a first cuz that has never happened before. It wasn't bad but did sting a couple of times. It also stung when my pussy was hit. I don't think he was hitting even half as hard as he could have but it was a beginning. Of course, I was wiggling. I think he told me to hold still but can't really remember.

Each time I think I have found good sex, someone comes along that is better. Sir is not different. He fucked me how I have always wanted to be fucked but the others wouldn't listen. I didn't even have to say anything to him. Ma'am was rubbing my clit for a while. Then she was told to comfort me and she did that by rubbing my arms, back, laying her hand on mine and generally laying near me. I don't think I really needed comforting but it was nice. Also when I was told to beg and I stated I didn't know how, she was there to help me. Another first. Oh...it seems like I have been missing so much.

Sir made a statement in my ear "I know where you're at". I think I know what he meant but don't know for sure. I think he realized exactly how inexperienced I am which makes me wonder if that is good or bad. My inexperience can put me at a disadvantage or pave the way for someone to train. Sir also stated "you're trainable".

With the experience being good, I must say I was a little uncomfortable with "me" at the beginning. Sir and Ma'am both stated I didn't look anything like my pics and I was beautiful. Being told that I'm beautiful is something that I find hard to accept. I see myself as passable, not beautiful or ugly. I have some qualities that I feel are good which I also believe have been noticed. I don't have any fashion sense. I missed a large part of my female education but I guess I'm never too old to learn.

One nice thing, our meeting was a no strings meeting. We talked. They provided a lot of encouragement and information.

Making a connection

It seems as if I have been doing alot of thinking about alot of things. I've read alot of blogs about BDSM, D/s relationship, being submissive, ect...I think everyone gets the picture. Some talk about service, some about their individual experiences and then the separation of sex and playing and/or playing and sex. Well once you really look, the information is just amazing.

Ok...what I have been thinking about is what I'm looking for in a Dom and my potential service. I know that a Dom's needs are important when in service. An attribute of submissiveness is the sub's selflessness. However, in the same aspect, the Dom needs to show the sub that their needs are important because it helps to develop trust for play time. As a sub, how can I know I'm going to be cared for during play if my needs and wellbeing aren't acknowledged in general.

For me, apart of learning to trust a new individual is based in their follow through. If I'm told they are going to do something, do they actually do it. It has been my experience that there is no follow through. Believe it or not, its with the simplest of things...a phone call...text...some form of communication. When I'm told they will get back with me...I just don't expect it to happen. That way I'm not disappointed when its a days or weeks later before contact is again made. I do make several attempts to contact but if no response then I can say I have attempted. I also know this isn't the person I'm meant to go past playing with.

Maybe I should also define what I consider play. Since most of my activities are sexually based, when I talk about playing I mean sex. Most who approach me that state they are doms only want to fuck...sorry for being blunt but its the truth. They really don't have any knowledge of dominating someone else besides in the bed. Now you may think I'm making a generalization but this has been my experience.

The person I'm looking for will see my selflessness and will look at me as a whole person. He will help me shift from being in total control to releasing control so that I may grow into the submissive that I'm capable of being. He will make me feel safe and secure. I will know when I find him.

Post this week

I posted a question in two groups this week. MK offered a training collar when I told him I wasn't being challenged or limits pushed. I posted in a Mentors grp and Submissive Women. The Mentors grp got a lively response.

I don't think I really understood the role of mentor but from the groups response, I think its a littl clearer. He really isn't my mentor, he's a play partner. I don't think he is seeing it this way but I think its a discussion we need to have because that is the way I now see it.

Most of the group believes that he shouldn't be mentoring me because its inappropriate for a Dominate to mentor a submissive. The thought is mentoring should occur between like status...submissive to submissive or Dominate to Dominate. This actually makes since to me.

Alot of responses actually spoke to my question about a training collar. The responses were from both sides. However, as one suggested, a training collar is for training with the idea that this person is going to be the dominate or Master. That isn't the case for MK and I. I wanted to experince and he was willing to help in that area. I have since experienced bondage, knife play and wax. But I'm wondering if I should hold off on any further exploration. I'm also wondering if I should request he remove me from his protection and as his mentor.

When he offered the training collar it spooked me a lil. I view collaring regardless of type as a serious committment. I also don't want to be trained. I believe my training should be left up to the Dominate that I will be with and any collars received should also come from that Dominate.

Thinking

Well, I don't really know how to title this blog. So I will have to give it some thought while I'm writing.

I participated in another scene today. Originally, I didn't believe the play time I was participating in was actually a scene. I thought it was just me trying new things but a couple of doms told me they believed it to be a scene. I just thought a scene was on a more larger scale some how. Oh well, you live and learn.

So I went for another scene. This time hot wax was dropped on my back and ass. Then he used several knives to remove. When he was dripping the wax it was a stinging sensation. However, he did manage to hit a couple of sensative areas which caused me to say "oww". I was told "remember oww isn't a safe word". I said I knew and that we had discussed using red. Only the conversation wasn't that smooth. I was a lil distracted so I was attempting to form thoughts between sensations. It was really relaxing. It didn't really provide any sexual stimulation like being bound but I felt relaxed. It sounds really weird.

I have wondered if some activities could provide some stress relief. I think when I'm pissed if I was spanked or flogged it just might release some of the anger that I'm feeling. However, usually if I'm pissed, no one wants to be around me and I tend to isolate so I don't go off and say something that I don't really mean.

I recently stated I wasn't being challenged or my limits pushed. I been ask what I mean by this. Well, I've been provided with a few assignments that have caused me to think but not really challenge my abilities. Because of my schedule, I have rushed and provided the required information but haven't used my abilities to their fullest potential. I know this but those reading feel that I have done a good job. Maybe I'm being over critical of myself.

As for pushing my limits, I have tried a few things but I have not reached the level of loosing control. I read blogs of other submissives and slaves which describe subspace and situations leaving ones mind blank. Those levels of consciousness are amazing to me and I want to see if I could reach one of them. Actually, I wonder if I already have. I passed out the first time I was placed in rope. I felt like I was in a dream state. However, when I was moved to remove the ropes, I first felt confused and disoriented. Then after a few seconds, recognition returned.

I don't feel my body reacting or becoming overwhelmed but it does become to concentrate on verbal communication. Am I paying so much attention to the sensation I'm experiencing that I forget to pay attention to my body. The reason I say this is because I know I pass out or become light headed with heat. But the night of my first scene, the room didn't seem overly warm until I got dizzy. And the last time I remember passing out from heat, I didn't feel dizzy. I just woke to people standing over me attempting to revive. Plus I remember feeling weak for a while after. The night of my first scene, I didn't feel week after. I felt relaxed. But could having ropes put on you with your hands bound behind your create this level of semi-consciousness? I wouldn't think so but I still can't explain what happened.

I have to admit that I enjoyed being taken care of. Actually having someone else see that I'm safe in a sense. Now I'm also thinking about how I like being taken care during my sexual interactions with my first blk man. He would blind fold me to make me dependent on him during our time together. Those thoughts lead me to wonder if our time together could be classified as scenes?

Thinking just leads to more questions.

MK and I were having a discussion today and it was about me requesting to be challenged and limits pushed. I realize when I participate in a conversation that touches on what I want, I have some difficulty expressing myself. Believe me this is unusual and isn't normally a problem, I'm very expressive. I would even say I'm embarrassed because during these type of conversations, I avoid eye contact. I'm not use to expressing my needs. No one ever really ask but I know what I want. I'm hesitant to tell someone else and I think that is cause I don't know how they will react. Maybe its the vanilla in me coming out...who knows.

Sub Frenzy

Ok...At the beginning of the year, I accepted that I was submissive. I found some readings and information that helped me to relate what I had been feeling and doing as qualities of being a submissive. However, my submissive nature has helped some individuals to take advantage of me. This abuse has created a wall that prevents most from seeing my true nature and keeps those at arms length.

Most that approach, don't have the desire or strength to break that wall and see the true woman that lies beneath. Because I give attitude and I'm a smart mouth, they don't see my true nature and then become negative and counter productive. Most that claim to be dominates are truely not. I also get the feeling that some become intimidated because I don't immediately bow to their will. They don't see my intelligience and assume that I am weak and stupid. They are so far from the truth. I degress...lol

The reason I feel I'm within the throws of sub frenzy is I'm inpatient to experience. I have become bored with reading and attempting to figure out the mean of everything. I want to experience what I am reading about. I want to experience the different fetishes. I want to know what I like and don't like. I want to see if I'm capable of surrendering and able to achieve subspace.

I don't want to be trained or collared because I feel those things should be left for the person that I choose to be my Dominate.

Thoughts

Earlier today I was thinking about writing about me and what I'm looking for and other miscellaneous items. But after my interaction with Mk, I think I need to write my thoughts to attempt to clear things in my mind.

I told him I wasn't feeling challenged, limits not pushed and I needed motivated. He stated that meant a power exchange which we didn't have an agreement for. He said as a mentor he could explore with me but not push my limits or request things from me. He stated he had a suggestion that would, in his mind, benefit both of us. He suggested a training collar. I very hesitant. He than ask what the difference was between a collar and mentoring. He also spoke about several potential assignments like finding out about different types of collaring and uses, checking out the information on albanypowerexchange.com and reading the Ethical Slut.

In my opinion, a collar is a symbol such as a wedding ring. This is how albany power exchange views it also. The site also talks about a deep relationship, love, trust and devotion. The site spoke of a ceremony and being owned. I don't want to be owned at this time. I care for MK but I don't love him nor do I have that starry eyed devotion that I should feel if I'm going to make that level of committment. Plus I keep thinking, he has his primary. I want the same level of devotation and care for me which isn't really possible because that person already exists.

MK says the training collar could be for 6 months or less but this still goes against what I believe is meant for the collar. I'm not experienced. I don't want to be limited at this time. I don't want to be owned. I want to explore and meet Dominates. I want to find that person that I can be totally devoted too, to be starry eyed.

This may sound weird but I will feel a connection with the man that I choose to totally submit too. I don't feel that connection with anyone right now. It maybe because of my break up and hurt feelings. Even though I have decided to move on, I still have alot of hurt and mistrust steming from my last 2 relationships.

I have been hidden and ignored while the other women in my last 2 exs lives have been acknowledged and very much out in the public. A couple of men recently have proclaimed to love me but I go days without hearing from them, my needs and life isn't important to them.

Yesterday, someone referred to submissives as "attention whores". I find this funny cuz it totally doesn't describe me but I can see where it would other submissives. Only I say they are borderline personality which i don't get along with. This might be why I really can't tolerate many.

Sick

Ok...I'm sick. I've tried to write on post and placed it in drafts. I started to come down with something last week and tried to ignore it. Well, it hasn't worked for me. I tried getting some over the counter stuff that I thought was working and again I was wrong. I finally called the doctor and was called in an antibodic.

I bet your wondering where I'm heading with this and how it affects me trying to find my submissiveness. Well, I'm talking to several dominates as I have discussed in prior blogs. One has been kissed off as you all know from previous blogs. Ok...I'm not going to rehash old news.

Ok...2 out of the 3 remaining dominates have been concerned for my health and even ask how I'm doing. One tried to give me an authoritative voice through texting that demanded I pick up the prescription and take it no matter if it was yuk cough syrup. The one that hasn't ask about my health knows I'm sick cause I canceled seeing him because of it. Tonight he texts he wants me to take a pic of 2 fingers in my pussy and send it to him. He hasn't contacted me except to say he wants to see me. Hasn't ask how I'm doing, just demands a pic and tells me about giving up control. Please!!!! I even told him I was in a pissy mood and didn't really want to piss him off cause at that time I was showing some great restraint which is unusual for me.

This is a time that a sub can really tell who is an actual dominate vs not.

Scene 2

Yesterday morning was very good. The last scene we did wasn't as successful as I had hoped. I was placed in ropes but passed out before I was all tied up. So we made plans to meet but the one week was busy for him and then the next was bad for me. However, yesterday morning was a success.

We sat and chatted for awhile. Then he pulled a pad out and placed on the coffee table. He stated it was sturdy and had some good uses. Then he had me stand in front of him. My tee shirt was removed along with my bra. He began to put the rope on me. He only did the upper half and some pics was taken. I removed my pants and he had me lay on the table. He placed leather on my wrist and ankles then laced the rope through it and secured me to the table. He did allow for wiggle room. I stated I liked blindfolds and he said he could help with that. He then went and got a leather blindfold with sheep skin on the inside.

For the next hour or more, I experienced different sensations. He used knives, whortonberg wheel, violet wand and wicked sticks all the while concentrating on my breast. I had told him my nipples were sensitive. He also used everything on the pussy with the addition of dolphin, vibrators and his cock. I also told him that I liked anal and he complied to my wishes. I wasn't use to the position but with patience, everything ended with success.

I then got up and went home. I was a lil dazed but all was good.

Distraction

This week was rough. I came down with something and haven't felt good. Then B and I had our final fight. While I requested he not contact me again which wasn't successful. He said very mean and untruthful things. The following will be his texts with me providing a statement.

This is from a previous post: During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is defined by society, the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?

He texts this statement when I told him I wanted to call it quits again "From this day forward I want. You to hate me think of me as dead and burning in hell and promise you I shall do the same". This was sent to me last Wednesday. On Friday night I woke to a text apologizing. After some back and forth, he texts something stating he would have to accept. I then ask him what he actually meant cuz this was a problem. He never stated what he meant. He also proclaimed he loved me and would til the day he die. He even started to call me and we actually talked longer than 5 minutes. I told him I was tired of fighting to be with him. It hurt me to not be acknowledged. I also told him of what I wanted, a 24/7 D/s relationship with possibly a slave to satisfy his needs if I couldn't. He was shocked. My last question to him was "where do I rank in your life". His response was why does it matter. I hung up the phone telling him it didn't and crying. He then texts "1". I decided to look at his profile knowing he had been on it often the last couple of days. There big as day "in a relationship with carr". Again he acknowledge a relationship that he said didn't exist. He could have signed the appropriate tags but he chose "in a relationship". He also stated "in a leather family, in the house of". There was a 3rd that I can't remember. I called him and told him we were done and not to ever contact me again.

The next morning he texts "where do I stand in your life". I responded "you have always been first. But your fetlife profile shows your choice and it wasn't me". He then texts "OK then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off". This was the next to come "So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text". He was not a replacement for Lamont. I was well over him and had started dating again when I met him face to face. But because several to the bitches Lamont had fucked had told him things, he believed them and not me. He never trusted me from the beginning.

I then told him he was "too weak to handle me". This was his response "Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut". He finally admitted he didn't trust me. The basis of everything.

I told him he abused me. Lamont had hit me several times and B always stated he was different, he didn't hit women out of anger. I told him that day I healed quickly from Lamont's abuse but his would take longer. I told him the neglect and ignoring were abuse. He texts this "I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do". Followed by "You should ask your dom to write cum slut and whore on you in the next scene you do and cock slut".

I wanted to see how others really viewed "in a relationship" so I posted that question in two groups on fetlife. In the Submissive Women, I got some good response. However, I also got alot of unwanted relationship advise and lots of questions.

MK had text and stated he thought it best to back off. I explained to him what was going on. He offered me to be under his protection. This is where some of the questions came in. My profile was being viewed and then his. I had to explain that he was the one in question. Overall, alot of good feedback with the results being similar to how I viewed it.

I finished my first assignment for MK and emailed it to him. He did tell me it was good and he would respond in the morning via email. I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say.

Now with this distraction out of the way, I should be able to concentrate on learning and growing as a submissive. I've done some more reading and realize finding the perfect or close to Dominate may take a while so my decision not to rush is a good one.

I realize B never had my best interest at heart. He probably didn't even love me, those were just words to entrap me knowing its what I craved so bad. He never intended to do a scene with me or try anything I desired. He held that against me but if he refused to meet my needs then I would have to find someone that could. This as exactly what I did. I walked away from him the second time cuz he wasn't there for me, guiding me or willing to know my needs. He didn't trust, respect, communicate and wasn't honest. We lacked 6 of 6 values to a D/s relationship. I allowed talks with him just to prove to myself that it was truly over and it didn't take long for that to come about. I don't like how things went down but if he wants to blame me that is fine. I know I did what I could but I don't have to take his abuse which is what it was. I have found a good Dominate to guide me. The relationship is open and honest. There is communication and respect. Plus he is willing to explore the activities that I want to experience. This allows me to find the activities I like and I'm sure he will push my limits which hasn't been done.