Thinking

Well, now comes getting hit on. I really hate that.

I wonder if I will ever feel about someone like some of the others I have spoken too. They appear to worship their Masters. Their world revolves around their Masters. I can't see that happening with me at least where I'm currently living. I need to start looking for a Master. My next research project. I'm not going to jump into anything. I need to know that I will be safe and secure. That my needs and desires are important. That my feelings are important.

For some reason, an old friend started contacting me. Of course, he wanted to make sure that I knew he was a dom. The person I met was the life of the party. Now he is wanting to be all serious. The only downfall is his friends. There is a connection to drama. I will not be his sub or slave. I don't want to deal with those women any longer. I think that was a major problem with my last relationship. When a connection to those women are learned, I just need to run. I want something real, not drama filled. Eventually, I'll get B out of my mind. I keep wondering how he is but then I think he really didn't care how I was so I just need to stop.

Yesterday, I spent the day doing physical work to forget. I have the kitchen project to finish. Then we will need to set up our exercise room and then there is the pool project. Hopefully I'll be too exhausted to think or dream. At least I'm not mourning like I did the last time. Well, I guess the circumstances were different.

Plans to continue

I'm feeling a lil lost and I really don't know why. Now again I'm at the point of having to move on and not really knowing how. I really thought I found my destiny. Now I just wonder if that really exists. I have to live with more lonely days. Maybe I should just accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life. There's really no one out there that can handle me.

Ok...I need to stop dwelling on what should have or could have been. I also need to let go of the past and learn to trust. Not everyone is out to hurt me. However, as I have been told recently by a Mistress, I need to trust my gut. If it don't feel right, let it go.

Maybe I should stop trying to rush an experience. I just have this desire to belong to somone, to serve someone. I need to let go of my vanilla thinking. I need to truely think alternative lifestyle. Everything is acceptable. I think I'm going to spend the summer playing. This will give me time to get things in order. I'll be able to go to a few more munchies and a few play parties.

Combination of other post

I'm finding the emails from submissive guide are very useful. They are giving me insight into the D/s relationship and the type of one that I want. Now I want to live it 24/7 so I can put my new found knowledge to use. D/s relationship is about the service, S&M can be the sexual side but combination can be holistic.

I took the time to look at some of the fetishes a little closer. I seem to be interested in more than I thought. I also looked at some definitions and read some groups. The posting in the group are very helpful. I wouldn't have thought of the questions but I read and learn. Tonight I went through some groups. Tomorrow I will have to look at the threads in some of the new groups.
One thread talked about munchies vs play parties. I've been to a munch and I think I need to attend a couple more. Hopefully I will plan to go to a play party sometime during the summer. Its nice to know I don't have to go to a play party and play...I can just sit and watch. Thats a good thing for a novice.

I read a thread that discussed the difference between Sub and Slave which was interesting but it became even clearer to me why I'm a Sub. I don't trust anyone enough to give myself fully. At one time I wanted to give total and complete control to someone but it was just thrown back in my face. My needs and wants are just as important as my dom's and mine shouldn't be over looked as they have been. So since I'm submissive by nature but not able to give complete control to someone else, I'm a Sub.

I'm reading posts from groups, finding new websites which are blog sites but have a lot of information and talking to individuals. The information is helping me to see that I was submissive but no one has appreciated the gift that i wanted to give.

My submissiveness is innate. Its always been there and will always be. I just hide it with a rough exterior. My submissiveness has allowed me to be used. This brings my guard up when entering new relationships. I always need to be on guard cuz everyone just wants something. This is an attitude that I need to work to release. Yes, some may have alternate reasons to get to know me but some are honest and genuine with their intents. I need to do a better job at paying attention; after all I'm a trained professional in human nature.

I had a conversation with another submissive who pointed out I don't need discipline, I need control. I'm not a bad child that needs a spanking. I'm an adult female who needs control in my life. I have offered but it wasn't accepted. I'm always told we will talk about it but that conversation never takes place. In reality, no real conversations ever takes place. My needs, wants, concerns and hurt feeling are all brushed off as "small stuff". My intelligence and abilities are not even considered apart of the equation.

I want to live a D/s relationship 24/7. I want to be with someone that wants what I have to offer. I want to experientment and explore. I want to take care of someone. I want to fix dinner and do home projects. I want to go out to dinner and to the movies. I want to be able just to walk around the store.

I will still continue to search for information. It can only help me be a better submissive when finally given the chance.

Ending

Well, I have finally ended the relationship. I've been prepared for this but it is still upsetting. I feel I have tried everything. I started a blog to improve communication but it has went unread. He states he has been unable to have access for online but he has been on his fetlife account. If I had been that important, he would have accessed the account from his phone. I made efforts to call. The calls would end by loosing signal or with him saying "I'll call you back". The call backs never came. I was only permitted a 5 minute call a day.

I really wanted a D/s relationship. I don't think it would have ever really worked with B because I couldn't get over him leaving me to fuck other women. Then there was all the drama. I wanted to be involved in a D/s relationship and he didn't want too. I've already mourned cuz he never really came back to me. The last couple of months were only booty. I would get fucked and then leave.

Now its time to begin the search for a dominate/Master that would like to train me. I don't really know what to expect but I'm ready for whatever presents.

Confusion

I'm currently in a state of confusion and don't really know where to go or what to do next. I think I have a good grasp on the concept of D/s relationships. What I have realized is they can be very productive for both individuals as long as there are basic values and some common ground/interest. However, both individuals involved must want this type of relationship.

I have continued to seek information and read others experiences but i believe it is now the time to start implenting what I have learned to have my own experience. I just don't know how to discuss this with the person I'm suppose to be involved with. He doesn't have the time for this discussion and when I see him in person other things will be more important. So what am I to do?

Continuing

In my quest for information, I have found exercises to do which is to help improve my D/s relationship. I have completed a check list which was shocking to me. I didn't know I was as interested in so many things. I also completed a needs and wants list. I have sent these lists out but have not received any feedback so that leaves me to wonder, what was the purpose of the exercise?

I'm becoming frustrated because I want to live the lifestyle but it appears that I don't have a willing participant to assist me. I keep thinking what can I do differently. I know that my attitude is sometimes a lil rough. But I haven't received a list of rules which is frustrating because it seems like I'm being set up to fail. I'm going to break a rule I have no knowledge of, doesn't sound fair...

When I did my needs list, I listed control and discipline as needs. There has always been a threat of discipline but never has it occurred. Because of the lack of follow though, I probably don't correct my attitude because I don't believe there will be any discipline. I live on my own. I make decisions. When I attempt to get input, I get short answers like "OK" or no response at all. So instead of having control and discipline, I continue doing what has gotten me through to date. Of course this attitude is then considered to be disrespectful when its only a way to protect oneself.
I know I need some control in my life but sometimes it takes an outside force to assist. I also need discipline. We will see what happens...lol

Mixed messages

In this second round of research where I found information that was overwhelming to me, it showed me I was truely submissive. This is when I began to accept. I began to consider what type of submissive I wanted to be. I was trying to include who I believe I am and what I'm attmepting to be. For some that doesn't make sense but others will surely understand totally.

Some of the things I came across were values for a D/s relationship: Honor, Respect, Communication, Trust, Honesty, and Consistency. I read each one of these sections and alot seemed clear. I didn't have this these values when I was with B and I don't have them now. He states "I take full blame for the break down in communication". However, he does nothing to change or correct the breakdown. He also says I'm more than just booty but why does it feel like thats all I am. He has also told me that I "drug" my feet and he found someone that was willing to do.

As I look back over the last 14 months, I see he hasn't trusted me. He has accused me of cheating 3 different times. One of those times, he was with me and I never really left his site for more than 30 minutes. He did leave our room upset and I really don't know what happened with him. There's times when he should answer his phone but only texts. Usually that means they are with someone and don't want that person to know they are talking to me.

He doesn't honor or respect me. When I'm upset and I attempt to approach, no matter the manner, I'm "not going to tell him what to do" and nothing changes. He is so closed minded, he is unable to see my point. Plus I'm finding out that women are talking about me. Instead of asking me or telling me about the conversations, he hides them and believes them. I'm not the person they tell him. I thought I had proven myself and my character.

Then there was the break up. He ask "why I can't fuck other women if you can". When I tried to state that wasn't the same and attempted to discuss. I ask him if playing with another female was cheating and he stated "no". He hangs up on me not to talk to me. After 10 days pass, I thought we had broke up and I texted to the affect. He gets mad at me. I attempt to explain and he doesn't respond. All the while, during this period of break up, I have women contacting me about him.

I think the most hurtful thing is I know he has been in Ohio with other women. He mentioned going to a restauant I told him about for us to go to. He also made a statement about not liking Ohio and Bipolar must be in the water. Plus he refuses to allow me to visit his home.

Alot of things are going through my head. He felt like my destiny. I dreamed about him when we weren't together. But reality is so much different. He ignored me for so many months. Then he is back and states he owns me. I'm his bitch and he doesn't want anyone else but who he says in the pussy. What does this all mean? Is there a hidden connection with people that aren't friendly with me? Do someone not want me to move on?

How can I submit to someone that has broken the key values to a D/s relationship? I also fear he will leave as quickly as he returned. He hasn't been interested in my BDSM checklist or my needs/wants list. I've tried to improve how I talk to him, not giving him attitude. I haven't even attempted to discuss these things. He will just get angry and threaten to walk away. He just doesn't realize, I really don't care one way or another. I just feel like booty.

I want to become the submissive that I know I can be. I have never been able to show my true self.

Starting the search

In Febuary of 2009, I decided to start my research on BDSM. Of course, I found the extreme sites with pics and discussions. I found a BDSM dictionary and began learning some of the words that would be used. Most of the information only created more questions. When I would ask B, he would mostly tell me to keep researching. I only became frustrated because I wasn't really getting the answers I needed.

B presented a contact to me in March of 2009. When I read the contract, I did't like some parts of it. I attempted to express my concerns to B but he only got upset and didn't persue it any further. I thought we would have a face to face discussion the next time we saw each other. Only that didn't happen. I gave up my research.

For some reason, I started my research again in January of 2010. I feel this attempt was rather successful. I used BDSM as to search in the beginning. However, with the second search, I decided not only to use BDSM but to search using submissive. With this I was able to find submissivejournal.com who posted an article "The Healthy Submissive" by Yalda Tovah. This article described me and how I had been feeling for most of my adult life. I also read about a BDSM checklist which should be completed to help a potential dom know what your interest is in and limits are. I completed the checklist and sent it out. I still have not had any real feedback. I also found Fetlife.com which is a social network for BDSM. I started a page.

While figuring out how to navigate the page, I found different groups and made several comments on threads that were posted. I made friends with other submissives that differ in the length in the lifestyle.

Then I found submissiveguide.com which produces a regular newletter on issues around submissiveness. I also got a wants and needs booklet and completed several of the activities. Luna the sub that does submissiveguide.com also sends out a topic each month for people to respond too. She will publish some of what is submitted.

A dom that I was talking too also gave me a task. He wanted me to research Gorean Society and Old Guard. Then i was to write an essay and send it to him. I had 2 days to complete the task. This was interesting.

Here is a copy of my essay:
Its been some interesting reading the differences between Gorean and the Old Guard. In my search for knowledge of the BDSM lifestyle, I'm finding may different things and points of view. I do believe that I'm coming to an understand in which I can live with.

The differences between Gorean and Old Guard are great. Both include elements of BDSM but how one reaches the roles are different. The relationships between the individuals are starkly different. It appears to be a caste system that exists in the Middle East. Gorean tends to belief that man is all knowledge and women should always defer to the Master or dominate male. The treatment of the women is offensive. I'm sure there is some level of respect but in the readings it isn't appartent. Also, they don't incorparate some of the principles and values that seem to be a primary focus in BDSM lifestyle or that of the Old Guard. Values such as honesty, respect, open communication and even love don't appear to matter. What matters is the control over anothers life. Its disturbing to know that in the Gorean lifestyle, safety words aren't respected and previous discussions of acceptable activities aren't necessarily respected. Once considered a slave, you have no rights, no outs.

The Old Guard appreciates principles and values. Those that are involved look to help others in there society. Respect, honesty and even volunteerism are held in high esteem. Individuals that violate the principles and values are considered a disgrace. The hierachy is also different. Its believed that individuals should start at the bottom before assuming the roles as dominates. This would help with emphathy toward submissives/slaves. The lines of communication are open to help, in my opinion, ensure honesty.

The differences are truely at the opposite ends. As I stated early, the treatment of women, submissives and slaves is insulting to me personally. It doesn't provide for safety and doesn't require the values I personal appreciate. However, the Old Guard can be appreciated. Its a lifestyle in which I could in fact live within. The values I find important are the premise of the lifestyle.

In my recent discussions with a submissive, I'm told a submissive is the Master's prize possession. In a conversation with a Mistress who is a slave, I was told I have to give my submission to a dom or Master. The dom or Master can't assume ownership, it must be given.

The next step

I started this and never really wrote anything. I don't think I knew what the next step was. But after having some eye opening experiences, I believe I do now.

I have decided to just take my time. I'm not going to commit to just any dominate. It has to be the one that fits with me. One that is trusting, loyal and understanding. One that isn't going to attempt to force me to become a slave because that isn't what I am.

I'm submissive but don't want to give up total control. I want a say in things. I want to be submissive based on occasional situations. I like having my rights and don't want them taken away.

I will continue to chat with other submissives, slaves and even dominates. Hopefully I will find a filfulling relationship when I can enjoy my submissive nature to the fullest extent.

Thinking

I've been thinking about a lot of things of late. How I met B, the desire to explore a lifestyle that seemed so closed and especially what submissive meant. Over the months, I have been very frustrated because when I think I have an idea of what it is, I learn something new.

When i first met B, I had been in a long drama filled relationship and had made the decision to walk away. I had decided I was going to embrace my single life and enjoy it. I decided I was going to date which I really had never done. I had a few men that were interested and I was going to take them up on their offers.

With one, I was only ever going to be a booty call. But he was someone that had talked to me, became my friend and even helped me through a rough spot. Then there was another that actually ask me out. He didn't ask for a hook up, he ask for a date. The was a very new concept for me. However, I decided to change the tempo and we met for a booty call. Then came along B.

Several days after the new year, I receive a call from him telling me that he was again coming threw Columbus and would like to meet me. I agreed. He told me he would call when he got closer which would be the next day. His last comment was "don't stand me up again". However, when he called the next morning, I had been sick the night and early morning. I tried to say I was sick but he insisted. I agreed but didn't want to meet in his truck. I had never been in semi truck cab that had a bunk. I didn't think I could get into the truck and I didn't want to have sex in a truck. Sex was never stated but I figured this was what B wanted. I suggested I get a motel room. He originally stated no and was looking for somewhere to park. He then calls me to say he is checking into a motel. I still needed a shower and it was decided I would take one at the motel.

B called several times wondering where I was. When I arrived, he was waiting to let me in. We went to the room. We hugged and kissed then I went to the shower. While in the shower I was wondering if he would come in but he didn't. I later found out he wanted too but stayed out and watched TV.

I finished and dressed. I thought maybe I should just remain nude but I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. So i went out and we started chatting. He motioned for me to sit on the bed. He started touching, kissing and pulled at my clothes to have me remove them. I still wasn't really feeling well but he didn't notice. We had sex. It was so good. He seemed to be able to go forever. When he finished the first time I was laying on the bed resting and he began all over again. He had a quick recovery period. After several hours, he wanted to go get something to eat which we did. After eating, he said he needed to leave. He had to delivery his load and left with just enough time to get to the appointed location. I decided to stay at the motel. It gave me a quiet night to recoup from my chaotic home.

When leaving, he was hesitant. Later when he called me, he stated he didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay. We agreed to see each other again and talked several times that night. During one of the conversations, I joked about having my toy bag with me the next time. He stated he would also bring his. I questioned him. He then started to tell me about what was in his bag. I ask if he was a dom and he stated "yes". This was a lil exciting but invoked some fear. I had an idea of what a dom and did. He told me BDSM was a lifestyle that he lived 24/7. He told me of his swinging experiences.

In later conversations, we decided to become a couple. There were a lot of rocky spots but he said he loved me and that was what I had been looking for. We had a small fight and didn't talk for a week. When we talked I ask about him helping me explore the BDSM lifestyle. He told me that I needed to do research. I needed to be sure this was a lifestyle that I wanted to be involved.

This was the beginning of my journey. More to come.

Interested

I have so many thoughts I really don't know where to start. I think I will start in the beginning.

BDSM has been an interest but one that I haven't been fully able to explore. When I met B, I didn't know he was a dom but found out in a few conversation after we had met face to face. Most of the pics I had seem were extreme and created some fear along side excitement. When B told me he had a toy bag of his own it created some sexual excitement. B stated he wanted me to research the lifestyle cuz he wanted me to be sure that I wanted to become involved. This was an excellent idea because i wasn't aware that I had already been experiencing and enjoying the lifestyle at a small degree.

I have always liked my hair pulled and ass smacked. To me this was just rough sex but it is in fact light BDSM. Also with the information I was finding, I realized the first black man I was with was in fact requiring me to submit to him on a level. When we met, he would require me to be blindfolded during our time together. He is actually the one that started pulling my hair, smacking my ass and introduced me to anal sex. I liked being blindfolded. During our meetings, I was totally dependent on him. He would assist me to the restroom, back to bed and fix my drinks. I haven't been blindfolded since but look forward to the times that I might be.

Also with my information, I realized I have had an interest for many years extending back to when I was a teen. I remember wrestling with my friend's brother. It was a lil more than wrestling. I had actually challenged him to get me to his room. He grabbed me and started to pull me toward the steps. However, it wasn't that easy. Yes, he was able to over power me and eventurally got me to his room but it took him sometime. I was so horny at that point but we had an audiance so sexually we weren't able to continue. There have been other instances of being chased or wrestled with that created the same feelings. So it leaves me to wonder, what type of orgasm would I have if I would ever be able to complete the experience. I have been disappointed that I haven't been able to further my experience in the lifestyle. I'm sure I could just find someone willing to help with the experience but I don't trust. I don't want to be hurt, I want the perfect experience. I'm always looking for that perfect orgasm.

I think part of my disappointment is I didn't fully understand the relationship between the dominate and submissive. I thought the dominate would just make the decisions and the submissive was to follow. I have found out this is true but there is more. The submissive has a say and can express their desires, needs and concerns. The expression just needs to be in the right format. I have attempted to incorpate some of what I have learned but I wonder if my feelings are really being considered. Most times I don't think so cuz when I try to express myself appropriately I don't see any changes and I remain upset.

I think I have learned alot especially in the last few months. When I first started to research the lifestyle, I wasn't able to find the information that satisified my interest or need to know. I have since found several website and information that has helped me to determine that I'm actually a submissive and my submissiveness is and has been apart of me. Over the years I have had to hide it to protect me but it continues to come out even when I don't want too. I think with some training my rough edges will be smoothed out. I'm becoming comfortable with my submissiveness and the potential.