Evaluating

I think at all points in time we need to do an evaluation of ourselves and those around us. I'm at that point.

I recently broke up with my play partner and those that follow my blog know that and the difficulties that I have had. But as I thought would happen, he waited some time and again contacted me. My emotions have been all over the place with this relationship but I think I have realized today that it probably is a toxic relationship.

It started as sexual only. I would meet him, we would hang out, fuck and I would return home. During those times, we had a chance to sit, talk and get to know each other. I think I saw him struggling and thought I could sweep in to save at least part of his day...lol.

The reason I say part of the day was I didn't want to enter his life fully. I didn't want another to become dependent on me putting all the pieces together as had happened in the past. He said he wanted to learn more about being a dominant. I thought I could help, I'm great at finding information and finding events so that he could experience and observe others. However, over time I was slowly drawn into a place that I didn't want to be.

He had always included me in his life, introducing me to his family and friends. I enjoyed some of our times together enough to bring him into my life which is unusual. I don't allow just casually contacts to enter my inner sanctum. I introduced him to me closest friend and one of my daughters. As time went by, I continued to introduce him to additional family and friends. This is where our lines got blurred. I began to care.

Anyways, now I'm at the point, do I let him back in and if so how far? I don't trust him so I don't think I will ever be able to play with him or have a sexual relationship with him. He blurs the lines between me and my stalker. He sees us as doing the same things and he hears what he wants, not what is said.

My evaluation of me is I have realized I want something deeper. I want a Dominate that can actually dominate me mind, body and soul. I want one that understands, encourages and is attracted to me. One that is willing to explore but is able to sense when limits have been reached.

I also see where I have went wrong in my past relationships. I have given in an effort to impress, hoping that the individual will see my value. I try to take care of what is wrong which has create a dependency. I thought I was providing a service when actually I wasn't. I was actually doing what I know and do best, taking over. This is my dominate side coming out.

I have always been the one to take care of things. When my girls were growing up, I did what was needed to keep them together and provide for their needs. I guess when you know how to do something, it becomes automatic when you see someone else with the same needs.

I have also determined that a newbie might not be the person for me. I need someone that has already defined himself. One that knows what he wants and can state it. One that is willing to listen but able to guide. One that isn't easily offended.

From my past, I have had to accept my part of what went wrong within my relationships in order to move on. I think I can do that now. Apart of me wants to continue to include him in activities so he can continue to learn but I don't think this would be good. I think this would affect my potential to learn and grow.

I've also come to realize that I may meet and belong to several before finding the right one. But with each that comes into my life, I learn something new about myself which encourages growth.

I no longer hold the anger that I use to. I think I could even have a casual relationship with those past involvements. But things will never go back to what they were. I can only hope that they also see their part in what went wrong and learn from it also.

Submissive Challenge #4

Submissive Challenge #4

Questioning Your Submission

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Accepting my submission has always been a struggle which continues today. I’ve had desires to give myself totally to another, to entrust someone with my safety, to trust that they will protect me from harm. I’ve had a desire to serve and care for a partner. To know them and anticipate their desires, needs and wants. Then to do what it takes to satisfy that person in all areas.

When I do find someone and begin to trust, I fall into a comfort area when my partner begins to anticipate what I will do to satisfy those needs especially the basic ones. However, my partner has never thought to give anything in return. My desires, needs and wants are left to be ignored. The lack of communication has created conflicts that severely erode the trust that was given so freely.

I have had the opportunity to observe other individuals and their level of trust and submission. I wonder if I will ever achieve the same level. I want to but I have doubts that I will find the individual that will encourage me to my fullest potential. Because I have realized that those involved must complement each other so that each can achieve and fulfill their designated roles. Each must want to know the other so deeply that actions can almost be predicted. The Dominate needs to be so in tuned to know the submissive to know when something is amiss, both physically and emotionally.

I have observed and chatted online with some individuals that I don’t believe truly understand what a submissive is. They state they are submissive but don’t have a good grasp on what submission actually is or entails. It’s more than just saying “Yes Sir” and to kneel before another. Or to be able to take a level of pain that others may fear. They make statements like “before sending a request for friendship, you must contact Sir”. However, they are the ones that do the contacting to satisfy their own needs and desires which are basically on the physical side. They don’t understand that D/s is not a vanilla girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Their lack of knowledge and understanding is what is frustrating.

It’s also frustrating when someone identifies that they are submissive and they play the role in public but act the exact opposite in private. They are assigned a task to be completed but fail because they refuse to do what is requested. They report completing the task but it is completed to their own wishes not that of the person that assigned the task or in private they “top from the bottom” giving ultimatums so that they will be in control. In my opinion, their jealousy and insecurity drives their relationship and prevents them from reaching their full potential.

I think I have always been resistant to my own submissive feelings. At first, I saw being submissive as a weakness, a door matt. Part of this was because I saw how my desire to please was always abused. The people I was involved with seemed to always have an agenda that wasn’t known to me. Trust is given but damaged because of the actions of the person that is given such a gift of power over me. My past has shaped who I am which can't be changed overnight. It can be changed through understanding.

Bipolar

I thought I would write about being Bipolar. There seems to be a notion that if one has mental health issues they are "crazy". This is one reason people don't like to acknowledge there is a problem.

I have known for over 15 years that I'm Bipolar. I don't have hallucinations and I'm not psychotic. I am currently symptomatic and I'm choosing not to take medication. My symptoms are I'm irritable, moody, paranoid, periods of crying, don't sleep, isolates and low motivation. When I'm tired or under extreme stress, my perceptions can be distorted and my paranoia increased.

With this being said, my cyber stalker is real and has been for months. Most of the time, I could care less but she seems to attack when I'm overwhelmed.

I do believe that if I find the right person, I would be able to handle my symptoms. The one concern I have is sub drop. With me already experiencing the depressive side of Bipolar, what would sub drop do to me?

Apology

I want to take a minute to Apology to those that follow me and others that read my blog. My cyber stalker has been an issue since May. The one that I ask to help with this issue didn't believe it a problem and ask me to ignore. For months, I did just that ignore her. However, at some point, I couldn't take it any longer.

She doesn't openly stalk me. She has multiple IDs. I have attempted to block her only for her to recruit others to check my Fetlife page. She even once stated to another "I can find anything she writes on the internet". Now, she isn't that important to me. She doesn't have any information that would assist in my learning or growing.

At times, I think I'm in the clear. I can move forward but then she becomes angry and starts writing threads on Fetlife in groups that I will see just so she can attempt to provoke me. In order to prevent this, I have removed myself from every group but one that we were both members. I even left a group that I dearly loved just so trouble wouldn't over flow and interrupt the other members.

I do apology for letting it spill over into my writing. It consumed me for the day but I'm making plans to move my blog to protect privacy further. I'm putting this mess behind me so that I can continue with my agenda, not someone else's.

I appreciate those that follow me, I hope that some of the experiences that I wrote about has help another as other bloggers have helped me. I have grown due to my interaction with others on here and Fetlife.

Dear Stalker...

Sums up my feelings tonight...lol

It Continues

blkmanlittleone is my cyber stalker. This is just one of her many IDs. Her relationship with a mutual person has dissolved because of her behaviors and instead of accepting it, she is attacking me. I will not be posting her comments because they are negative, degrading and an attempt to instigate me. She is blocked from my Fetlife page and feels this is the only avenue of attack.

She is attempting to state my blogs are reporting something they aren't. I haven't reported the details she stated in her one and only comment. I have reviewed my blogs and I'm comfortable with what I have wrote. It doesn't give every detail or feeling but gives you, the reader, an idea of what I'm experiencing.

I will be contacting Google to file a complaint because I will not tolerate this inappropriate behavior. There is no way to block her at this point so I hope Google will respond appropriately.

This is only a minor bump in the road. I will not allow it to prevent me from exploring what I consider to be a wonderful lifestyle.

Cyber Stalker Strikes!!!

Well, I hit a sore spot with my cyber stalker. She finally developed a profile yesterday just to respond to one of my post. She has been reading my blog all a long and applying her delusions by making accusations to someone mutually involved. She hasn't had the guts to say anything until today. The funny thing is I also received a call from my ex play partner who thought I had actually spoken to her. Our conversation now makes since now that I have read her comment.

Some are going to ask how I know it was my stalker. The answer is I have reviewed my blogs and questions ask are from text sent to him. I think I have wrote very clearly about my relationships. Also, some of what is ask is from our personal interaction, not my blogs. She has also included her delusions to an extent. Yes, I have spoke about my cyber stalker in several blogs but her questions in her comment are unfounded unless she is unable to understand English just as she is unable to write correctly. Here is her comment: "Didn't I already read that the break up occurred. Two or three times? Or are they all different men? Wwe all know there are more than one side to every story but Llets assume yours is accurate. From what I have read this man was with someone before you came into the picture. Correct me if I'm wrong. But they weren't in a relationship and she was delusional thinking they were for some reason. Do you think it was a mental issue or do you think he played with her emotions? You also stated several times that the two of you were not in a relationship but other post imply that you were. I am guessing you knew this woman well rather than assumeing things because of what you heard from Him? I am assumeing that you feel he was using both of you but now your not sure if He is using her? Is that because He is with her and not you? You also stated He used you but you also stated it was just sexual. My question is a sexual thing is temporary,and has little bearing on emotions love and most important Ds so how did He use you? You also imply that she is nothing but common trash that she would fuck anything. Is this something you know and have proof? Or something you assumed by His words? You see I belong to my Master heart, body and soul and He uses me however It pleases Him. And yes He brings men even woman over and orders me to seduce them.This sometimes isn't my choice and would rather not do.but to refuse would be far worse of a punishment. I could be totally off base but maybe that's the story about her fucking other men or not.maybe you should have dropped this man a long time ago if what you so is true He is trouble and not worth it. Maybe you should just take a break from the scene and everything,enjoy some one on one time,kust for you to think, look at the bog picture about everything". Most of her questions didn't even apply to the previous blog posted. This was another attempt to embarrass me knowing that others are following my blog.

This was suppose to be a place that I could write and process my thoughts and feelings. I don't place every detail or instance in my blogs. I attempt to give a general idea of how I'm feeling or my progress or a situation. I understand that I may not always be clear because sometimes my thoughts are racing.

We are currently hearing on all types of media about cyber stalking with adolescents but what about the adults doing it. I guess the adults are suppose to be more mature but children had to learn it somewhere. This is just as big of an issue with adults as with adolescents. We should not over look cyber stalking regardless of age group.

I shouldn't have to worry about being criticized for writing how I feel. Sometimes I do need to see things from a different perspective which is why I appreciate the comments. However, the comment above was nothing more than an attack. Of course, if confronted, she will deny the ID and writing it. She once accused me of cyber stalking her by developing other IDs when it is she that is doing it, otherwise she would have used her ID that is already established with Google.

I have attempted to figure out how to block her now that I have her ID but I'm unable to. Google doesn't appear to allow individuals to block unless the individual is following the blog. I plan to write Google and express my concern. I encourage others to do so too. You never know when you may also be the victim of cyber stalking.

Break ups

I wonder why break ups always have to be so hard. I think what makes them hard for me is the ex is always wanting to continue a relationship. I think continuing a friendship would be fine but when lines are blurred and the other person isn't honest, it makes it hard to continue a friendship.

I didn't want to have feelings. I wanted to keep my distance and did for a long time. But as he called and wanted me around, I let my guard down. I told him how I felt that I loved him. I knew he didn't love me but did have some feelings and cared.

He really doesn't know how to be a Dominate but I attempted to expose him to different people and philosophies. But in the end, he would rather be around people that are unreliable and only want a submissive to be a doormat. As he stated to me 'I'm a Dom, your a sub...you do as I say".

He wanted to establish rules with me but allow his documented "sub" to do as she pleased because he had no control. I removed myself from groups in her area but she was permitted to remain in mine. She knew posting in those groups would agitate me and when I complained to him, he would do nothing. The real funny part, he continues to tell me that he is only using her for a vehicle. He is either lying to her or to himself but he is lying.

I wish he would just listen to me. Today, he called and was immediately angry. I basically told him in a text that as long as he had a relationship with her, I would not be around. I don't have to tolerate the harassment which is what it is. I also told him to have a poly relationship, he needed a secure primary relationship.

The one question that I have ask and hasn't been answered is "why do men want women that fuck everything, lies and steals?" So far I haven't received an answer.

The beginning is always disappointing

I shouldn't be surprised that this year started as another. I'm angry, hurt and disappointed.

I have this naive policy of taking people I met at face value. When they say they are different, I actually believe them. That is until its too late which is why I am again angry, hurt and disappointed.

I have another naive policy which has also attributed to my feelings. I believe if I'm good to people, they will see and return in kind. Hence the disappointment. I think I'm more disappointed and angry with myself because I keep making the same mistakes.

Guess I will have to figure out how to change things. Something to think about.

Start of a New Year

I started the new year chatting with several Dominates. I figured I need to get to chat, take things slow which is probably going to work out good. Not only are the Dominates looking for a perfect fit but so am I.

I want someone that isn't going to try and tell me there thinking is the only thing that is correct. I want someone that I can carry on a conversation with and can debate back and forth. Not someone that thinks I'm "reading between the lines" or my interruption is wrong because I have a mind and I'm thinking. Yeah...I'm a little upset but that is life.

I know if someone tells me I'm a "male supremacy", I should probably say "No thank you". They already have in their mind that they are right and there can be no other interruption.

M discussed things with me. He never made me feel like I was wrong. He encouraged and inspired me. I wish we had lived closer.

I was dismissed from the person I was chatting with, his opinion has changed of me. However, I still have a couple more. It still looks to be a good year. Not everything works out which is why we chat and get to know one another.