Cravings

I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman who has been the matriarch of the family. I have always been the one to take care of any issue that may arise. I've worked and went to college while still being a force within my children's lives. My babies have always been a priority, actually my only priority. I always stated "my girls were unable to care for themselves but the men in my life were able too". Plus I knew that I was never a priority for any man.

All the men that I have been involved with has had their own agenda to operate by with little regard to what I needed or wanted so it has always been easy to walk away from these relationships. Don't get me wrong, I didn't walk away without hurt. I have always put my all into whatever I do and the includes my partners. I just haven't received the same from them.

So this leaves me lonely and craving. When I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, I sometimes crave to be tired up. I think the confinement would provide me with a level of safety and security which may help to elevate some of the negative that I'm feeling. I'm still waiting to test this theory.

Another theory/craving that I have is when I'm agitated, I want my partner to take control. I want to be forced to the bed, laying with the weight of my partner on top of me. Through touch, I want him to seduce my body. I want him tie me up to show me who is in control. I want him to proceed to convert my anger to those passionate feelings that I know exist. I want my neck kissed, my nipples pinched, my clit rubbed, licked and pinched. I want his fingers to probe my vagina and ass. I want him to tease me, take me almost to the brink of orgasm just to stop and repeat it over and over again. Then to take me and allow me the most intense release that I have ever felt.

Since I have learned about D/s, I have craved finding the right man to take control. At first, just in the bed room but once trust and respect have been established, I hope the limits are endless.

I'm awake and ranting

I'm awake as usual. I really should be sleeping and usually when I wake as I did tonight, I roll around the bed waiting to be reclaimed in the world of restfulness. However, tonight I decided to play online with the hope that I would become tired more quickly and get some rest. Its not working.

I've been reading through some groups, some threads are very thought provoking. Some are just individuals struggling as I have in the past, trying to get some insight on a situation within their lives. What I find amusing is some of the negative of the responses toward the OP. Its like ok I'm having a bad day so I'm sharing with you by putting you and your question down. I believe there is always a way to play the devil's advocate without being negative. But then some just like to grab attention.

The attention whores are the ones that get on my nerves. In the mental health field, we have a name for them...BORDERLINES...which is actually Borderline Personality Disorder. There is no cure for this, its learned behaviors, mostly negative. They scream for attention...look at me...look at how I've been hurt...look at what I can do...I'm the victim, someone come save me. I bet your thinking "Hell I know someone like that". They also lack the ability to take responsibility for there actions and must blame someone else for their failures. They are not honest. They could be caught in a lie and still not give you the truth. They attempt to manipulate people and situations. I must say, I really don't like Borderlines.

This is a good description of my stalker. She attempted to manipulate me in the beginning and when that didn't work, she thought lying would be a better way to cause me problems. However, she had a lot more time on her hands and has been very creative at time. Like knowing I'm sleeping with a mutually known person and they telling him I emailed her to inform her that I was with him. Oh, she did set up an email that was close to my ID, just not the right email, so that she could say "see here's the email". At a glance, you would have assumed it was mine like I said too much time.

Then the fact when something doesn't go the way she wants, she writes threats proclaiming someone has done her wrong. She's making more generalized statements now but still post to receive the sympathy, then apologizes stating she was having a "bad day". If your having a bad day, do you really need to post a thread giving the appearance that your a victim? Can't you just blog about your feeling? No you can't, you can't write. Or maybe your too embarrassed to write because people will see you for what you really are. I didn't forget, you do journal, just no one sees.

She likes to brag about her activities but changes the story someone confronts. Or when she wants to put another down, she forgets her back yard isn't exactly the neatness and she has told too many people different stories in order to get attention.

I believe this type of person will not be successful within this lifestyle especially if they are claiming to be a submissive. They don't think of others, only themselves. For everything they do, they have a hidden agenda. They again attempt to manipulate situations and people especially newbies that don't have a lot of information. They pretend to follow protocols but yet break they all. They say they have rules but they only exist on paper which make them worthless.

Ok...I think I'm done with my rant. Maybe now that I've cleared my mind I will be able to lay down and sleep. Oh, maybe I shouldn't wake up and read threads on Fetlife anymore when I can't sleep. Apparently it only agitates me...lol

Good Night

Something to be proud of

I posted a comment to a thread. I was then approached by the group owner and encouraged to share my experience with the whole group by creating a new thread.

The following comments which were emailed to me give me great pride:
"Your reply a few moments really spoke to me. I'd like to ask you to consider making a new thread about it. I think it could be extremely helpful to some of the newer folks we have as members.
Blessings be -- and thank you (most sincerely) for your participation."

"Smiles...I look forward to it. I've enjoyed reading your posts."

I have received such great encouragement from my followers here but still had doubts about my ability to express my opinions without seeming to ramble. I guess I'm on the right track.

I have some ideas for future blogs and I hope I can retain the ideas until I have the time to write. Again, I would like to take a moment and truly thank all my followers for their encouragement and support.

New Blog

I have started a new blog. Its currently under construction but will be sending invites to those who wish to continue to follow my awakening. Well I will need to figure out how to send invites...lol.

I really want to thank those that have followed my progress, not just in my submission but my writing also. I really do believe its a good outlet.

FYI...Stalker Bitch

WOW...2nd incident of physical stalking occurred today. I believe in the state of Ohio the 3rd incident will allow me to file charges...is this continued stalking worth catching a case? NOW...LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. STAY OFF MY BLOG PAGE.

Due to the stupid bitch that continues to manipulate statements that I make to serve her own purpose, I will be writing my blog on a different site. I will occasionally write here but due to my stalker, I'm unable to write my feelings, thoughts and perspectives. I just want to write so that I can clear my head and process whats going on with me.

Feeling Good

I love waking up knowing I get the chance to get cute and impress another. I know, I'm not suppose to do anything for another but for myself. But in this lifestyle, we do it for another most of the time. The results are it makes yourself also feel good and puts a positive spin for the day and sometimes longer. 

Well, I've shaved and showered. I should dye my hair but I believe I need another box because of all my hair which is quit thick and long. I'm stopping to get my eyebrows done. I'm not going to be accused of always looking frumpy, I have several nice blouses and jeans. Oh, can't forget the push up bra for cleavage...lol. Hopefully I will be bending over a pool table that site is impressive...lol.

I hope all my blogger followers have as good of day and what I'm planning too...even through its cold and rainy. 

Karma...so sweet

When Karma hits someone that so deserves its wrath, its so sweet to be available to see. My stalker is suffering from Karma's effects. Games just don't pay. Its so better to sit and watch as someone spirals out of control because she refused to see the limits she breached. Lying and manipulating people and friends, was it worth it?

Now maybe I can get back on track with my play partner that is if I choose. He has gave me my answer as to how he would like to define our friendship. But I don't know if that is what I want at this time. Maybe if he proves himself trustworthy since he won't be listening to information from unreliable sources that stalker so often offered. He will actually become the Dominant that he has the potential to be.

So Sweet...

Experimenting

After re-reading chapter 4 of Lisa's Training by FloridaDom and some juicy pages in the second book of Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy, I needed to try clothespins and nipple clamps on myself. I've had a friend place clothespins on my pussy lips and clit but I had never done it myself.

So I had this thought, while I'm cleaning the bathroom I would put the clothespins on my pussy lips and the nipple clamps on my nipples. There was some minimal displeasure but nothing extreme. I could feel my pussy getting wet.

The real discomfort came when I removed the clothespins from my pussy but it still wasn't anything extreme. I then proceeded to masturbate. I was amazed at how quickly I had an orgasm. I didn't remove the nipple clamps immediately, I tugged on them until they slipped off.

I'm actually quite shocked, my nipples were always so sensitive that I didn't want any amount of pressured applied to them. But since being involved in the lifestyle, they have toughened up. Nipples seem to be an area of focus for most dominant men...lol

One thing that I have learned in the last couple of months since I have been abstinent is that I enjoy an orgasm more when several areas are stimulated at once. I usually have a dildo in my pussy, another in my ass, vibrator on my clit and clothespins or nipple clamps. I usually orgasm multiple time and then I'm able to build to the one I actually crazing. The orgasm that rocks you to your toes.

I know this is probably TMI but I felt the need to share. Its amazing what we can continue to learn about ourselves. Now I need to learn to tie myself up. There is a Bondage Intensive event coming in July which may help me gain this skill. Plus it helps to have friends that do bondage demos...lol

Suggested Books and Blogs

As for suggested blogs, I have emailed him certain blogs writtern from the following.

http://adauntlessjourney.blogspot.com/
http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/
http://floridadomscorner.blogspot.com/

These are all dominants that have a wealth of information. FloridaDom has written a series Lisa's Training which in my opinion is the essence of what I'm looking for.

As for books, Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel, PhD, Rope, Bondage, and Power Issue editor Lee Harrington and Series editor Robert Rubel, PhD. But recent books that are hot on the shelves are the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy by E L James. There are also Different Loving: the world of sexual dominance and submission by The Brames and Jon Jacobs and An Owned Life by Denis Najee.

I have more books on my to read list. I usually find the books in Google which will let you read some of the book minus some important pages but you can get an idea if the book is actually worth reading. I believe I have a list of 20 books on my current to read.

@ Autumn Raine...I hopes this helps and you find some good reading just as I have. For bottoms, I have read The New Bottoming by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy. Some of the books especially geared toward the dominant suggest the submissive/slave as for permission before reading.

Got my answer

In a previous blog, I stated I ask a friend to define our relationship. I actually ask him twice. Well, within hours of my second request, I got my answer. He stated he wanted a D/s relationship. This shocked me because that wasn't how I thought he would define our friendship. But silently, I was ecstatic.

I have my doubts about entering a D/s relationship simply because I don't think he is able to dominant me. He hasn't found himself as a Dominant yet. The title was thrown on him by another with no information as to how he should. I explained this and he finally understood what I was talking about.

I'm sending him blogs that I find that I think would be helpful. I have told him of the books I'm currently reading which I hope he will take the time to read also. He has also realized he needs to be financially stable to fully take advantage of all the lifestyle has to offer such as educational events, demo and other lifestyle get togethers.

I think this will be an interesting couple of months.

Throwing my hands in the air...

What is it with men that state they are Dominant? (Oh, stalker I'm not talking about our mutual involvement.) I was approached earlier this week via email on Fetlife. The master (yes lower case due his being self proclaimed) stated "hii am looking for you check my profile looking to move you in...MASTER".

I responded "First, I don't think you are looking for me. I'm not looking to move at this time. You may want to consider a different approach. I'm an independent free thinking woman who doesn't appreciate the approach you have taken." I thought this would prompt him to leave me alone but it didn't. He responded "and why are u not looking to move,as to the approach I am telling you my likes,my thoughts,my needs. I like your name,you photos and i like you. lets talk...MASTER WILLIAM"

I won't bore you with the rest of the bs. I did explain why I was unable to move and in another email I ask the following "Plus I would ask, where did you see my profile? Did you read my profile or blog? Are you involved in your local community? What philosophy do you follow in the lifestyle such as Old Guard or Gorean? What do you believe the role of a dominant? submissive?"

I also explained that I didn't have an appreciation for men who put their dick pics as their profile pics. In my opinion, they aren't real doms, they are only looking for the sexual side of BDSM when there is so much more. I also stated I don't just lay down...his response was "WOW well you are a first you say my putting my dick on display is for sex only now that is a first. i am proude of my dick so i do show it only,also i want you/all to know what your getting.
you ask am i involved in my local community.what philosophy do i follow,and what do i think of a dominant and submissive
well ill answer the DOMub part
I DOM will tack care of you and you being a sub will tack care of your DOM
as to you laying down WOWif you feel that way woman you are not a sub.................................................
MASTER WIIAM"
I thanked him for his interest and I don't think he appreciated being turned down. What makes some men think that submissive means weak and needy? We have blank minds and choose to follow their thinking and not our own.
Then to top off the week, someone that I haven't spoken too in months felt the need to tell me that he found a pet on Fetlife and she greatly pleased him. What does he think he's doing? Trying to tell me that I've missed out...I don't think so. I wasn't impressed with him when we were talking, why would I care.
How many more do I need to suffer? Why can't a Dominant that meets my standards present? I really shouldn't say that. I have had discussions with Dominants that I would love to serve and submit too, they are just miles and miles away. I still maintain hope.

Frustrated yet again...

Over the weekend, I thought I had resolved issues with a friend. However, I'm wondering what exactly he wants. I thought I made myself clear but I've been thinking, maybe he isn't listening.

He stated he wanted to see me and spend time with me when that really didn't occur. It was the same as usual. Don't get me wrong, he spend a little time with me but it was more "I need to do this and that". Then while we were talking, he was again distracted.

I told him upfront that he had nothing to offer me but he still insisted on seeing me. I on the other hand have a lot to offer him which is willingly accepted. I look out for his reputation, I know what he wants and likes. I could actually help him with all his goals.

I just don't understand why he feels the need to assist a bitch that does nothing but disgrace, disrespect and embarrass him. His friends and family don't want her around due to her bad behavior. As her jealousy and tantrums increase, more and more are seeing just how bad it is. I bet they are also wondering why he tolerates the abuse that she offers on a regular basis. We haven't discussed the lies. He knows more than she thinks and knows that she has lied to his face but for some reason he believes there is an obligation. He had a chance to escape but she manipulated the situation and again trapped him.

Now he isn't innocent so don't think that. He has made poor decisions and continues too. All the positive he was doing to move toward his goals has been turned into a negative. He has so much potential but can't seem to move past this stagnation.

I have ask him twice now to define the relationship that he would like with me. If he chooses not too then I will be forced to develop the definition. It probably won't be what he wants but I have given him a chance. I can't put my life on hold due to his decisiveness.

He wants to learn to be a Dominant but doesn't want to step up to the level he needs. If he would put in place certain standards, it would be a positive effect on all parts of his life, not just within the lifestyle.

Time will tell which way he will go and if he chooses success or disgrace at the hands of another.

Figuring Out What To Do

The second and third weekends of the month is always so busy. Its so hard to determine exactly which part of the state to go to. Columbus has several events such as AIS's Perversion Diversion where lifestylers are able to be vanilla while standing on the edge of kink. And up north, Akron's Purple Rose Society has their munch/demo/play party. I believe the demo is on fire this month. Plus there are some education things with Rev Dawn and another dealing with photography.

Next Friday is Fetish Friday at the local swing club in Columbus which is featuring a Domme' who will be discussing presenting with a purpose. On Saturday, I believe Canton is holding their monthly event which will be discussing hair bondage.

Oh, the last weekend has a great event in Pittsburgh then we go into the month of May. The spring and summer are looking so great. One just has to decide which to attend.

Happy Easter

I want to wish a Happy and joyous Easter to all my followers.

Wow...Overall Good Day

First I need to say, I have a great mechanic. He found a potentially serious problem and then fixed it. Even though, I did have to call him because he wasn't at the shop when I arrived.

The only bad thing was stalker bitch decided to take her stalking to the next level. She was observed sitting outside the shop's fence. For some reason, she did get the balls to walk in for something but only pissed my mechanic off. She was rude to him and he has decided that she isn't permitted around his business. So people are now seeing her behaviors, its not just my imagination.

On the most positive, me and a friend were able to talk about the riff in our friendship. I believe things are back on track.

I also have come up with a great birthday gift for my friend. It didn't take me posting in every group on Fetlife, it only took me knowing him.

OMG...thankful that the week is ending...

I believe my mechanic is trying to kill me...lol I have to make a trip to see him because the one devoted to me needs some tender loving care. He is open the mornings on Saturdays so instead of sleeping in and getting some quality time with my computer, I will be making a trip to the mechanic's.

I'm finally getting a feeling for my new job but I love using the line "I'm new". There are areas where there is only complete chaos with absolutely no organization. So my intent is to make my little word and little organized so that things will be more efficient.

Amongst the chaos of work, my stalker made another appearance. I received an email from a friend of hers but I'm still unsure exactly what the goal was. Things were done so that only thing I can think of is she is bored or wants to resolve things. If its the latter, my suggestion is stop being stupid and contact me directly. The reason I threw the latter in, I believe the friend is actually a fake page and its really her. I do believe things blew up, I contacted our mutual friend. Informed him of the interaction with her friend and when the drama started, I blocked the page so I didn't have any further involvement.

Plus in the middle of all this, I had a family emergency which ended up being nothing. But it was better to be safe than sorry. I wanted to sit on my couch but I don't believe this weekend will provide any relief due to car maintenance and the Easter holiday...no rest...:(

Just had a thought, I might take my bottle of wine to my mechanics. Get the car worked on, play on the internet and wine to relax, that just might make the beginning of a good day, maybe even the weekend.