Loyal

I was recently ask if I was "loyal". Of course, I answered that was one of my best traits but I don't think that was a fair question.

This person was wondering if i would be loyal to him and him alone. The funny thing is he didn't mention he being loyal to me or ask about my other potential loyalties. If he would have ask me to be disloyal to my family or other responsibilities and I would have been, I would have been dishonest and weak willed and disloyal.

I'm not easily swayed, usually the person has to break the bond, not someone telling me too. I base my friendships, trust and loyalty on how I'm treated, not the next person. So I'm not going to break a bond based on someone else's dislike or bad interaction. 

Dreams that are in reality fantasy

As a child, I had a dream about love, marriage, family and how my life was going to be. Even with uncaring parents, iffy childhood, divorce, lose of many things, I was still able to have a sense of morals and ethical code. I still had dreams but they were only dreams. I didn't believe they would come true. I guess I lost hope.

I was married, neither lived up to my dream. Both men said they loved me but never made me a priority so didn't live up to the dream. Neither men took care of me, I took care of everything in the house so didn't live to the dream. Both men thought there activities came first I was there to support them unless the kids had something, this included surgeries. However, I've always been alone so no dream here. Of course, a good sign that the dream failed, I've had 2 failed marriages and multiple failed relationships.

So sense I'm middle age and the likely hood of finding a successfully relationship, I conclude that in reality the dream is a fantasy. I don't know why it exists for some and not for others but for me it doesn't. Love is real with my children and grandchildren but that's the extent.

I don't know how this really affects me at this point. Its just a realization that I've came too. Now I need to figure out how this fits into the puzzle. I think it will be interesting.

My Jouney continues

I decided to take a step away from things for awhile but now I think its time to focus on me. To be honest, I've hide because I really didn't want to make time for a relationship. I didn't want to admit that I was doing that but I think I was.

I got hurt and disappointed, instead of dealing, I decided I my family or work needed me more so I closed the door and did look back. I built walls and made sure no one would attempt to breach. I can say I was successful.

But then I realized something was missing and that was a partner so I thought I would put myself out there again. I thought I knew what I wanted. I knew who I am. I knew the mistakes I made in the past. So I started talking again and actually found a couple that I was impressed with. However, I came to realize, its not just me.

During the getting to know stage, its not just about sex. I'm 52 years old. More than sex has happen to me in 52 years so that affects how I respond to things. I have triggers that send those walls up before I realize what is happening but I guess my walls weed out and allow me to focus on the ones that might truly be worth evaluating.

I can't allow myself to over focus on the ones that appear to be based in fiction. I think I've read too many books...lol