Reading

I heard some great reviews on Fifty Shades of Grey so with the gift card I received from Luna for the Blog Hop, I decided to buy it. I also downloaded Kindle for my PC so I didn't have to wait to get the book in the mail.

Ok...I'm 4 chapters into the book and I wish there were more men like Christian Grey. I want to feel like Ana does. There has been a few men that has intimidated me the way Grey does her and I probably acted the same way. I try to escape, avoid eye contact and just don't know how to verbalize the way I'm feeling. Only with me, the men are only mildly interested and don't pursue.

Well, on to the book. I hope to finish it by tomorrow, all 26 chapters. I want to get to the really interesting BDSM parts. They will probably send me over the edge.

What I think I need...

Working severely cuts into my computer time...lol. But then again, when you are a single, independent woman with no one else to take care of you, I think work is a necessity.

Seriously, I've been thinking a lot in the last few nights and I believe I have come to accept that I will be single for most likely the rest of my life. Some will say that is sad that I think that way but I really don't have a good track record with men. And now, I'm so overly cautious that won't allow any man in.

I guess I have been thinking about this since I blew yet another off. For several months, we had been texting. Several times I told him when I was coming his way only not to have a response or to be informed that he was already busy. I understand, I'm not the only one with a family and work but to continue to say "we can just hang out".

My conclusion is I don't want to just hang out. I don't want to take someone to a swing club so they can only look for other women. I don't want a serious relationship at this time in my life. I don't want the drama men have to offer because of the unsavory women they choose to have around them. I'm amazed that more women don't see the patterns they offer and would rather blame women for all the issues of the relationship instead of the men that are the heart of the problem. I just don't have the time. I, also, don't want to initiate someone wanting to explore their dominant side.

What I do want is a "booty call" buddy. Someone I could go see, have great sex and I leave. Sometimes I think I want more but the men that seem to draw my attention aren't those with quality characters. The only thing they really have to offer is sex. They don't appear to have the capacity to join me at my emotional level. They are usually extremely self absorb. Its all about them, their needs and wants. They are so blinded that they can't see or hear any problems.

I do take credit for part of the problem because I become comfortable. I let my guard down and become to involved with their neediness. Also, I attempt to prove my value and they see something different. Eventually, I do become disturbed with what is going on and tired of sitting on the side lines while they continue to be self absorb.

So instead of going through this dance over and over, I'm only going to accept those that want a sexually intense relationship. That is what has seemed to work for me in the past. If feelings are remotely discussed that will be my cue to exit and find another that is willing to live within the boundaries that I establish.

As for my participation in the lifestyle, I will continue to explore and build relationships with creditable people. Locally, we have a great community with strong leadership that won't tolerate the drama that some insist on creating. I feel safe attending events and even seeking tops to negotiate a scene.

What is a Good Dom (or Good MAN, for That Matter?) Found this on Fetlife

What is a Good Dom (or Good MAN, for That Matter?)

Finding a man is no easy task for submissive ladies. It seems many women do not understand the red flags signaling “Beware.”

- A dominant man will not start off by with, 'Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!' There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to 'block n’ move on.' (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Dom.

- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a 'Dom' becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavor.

- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.

- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womanizer per se, but certainly sexually advanced.

- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.

- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.

- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.

- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).

- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.

- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying 'dom' will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though he longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it.

If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man.

Happy hunting!

~Author Unknown

Submissive Challenge #6

Submissives you look up too

We all have people in our lives that we admire, emulate or respect. Tell us about a couple submissives that you currently look up to and why.

I have several women that I look up too within this lifestyle. They are at various levels and all show openness and confidence in their roles. Two identify as slaves and I believe the rest are submissives. Several I have meet face to face and the others are online at this time.

The ones that I have met face to face are D and S1. They both do demos and share their knowledge with the community. D is co-presenter with her Master. They have written a book M/s relationships and do educational events on sacred sexuality. I’ve heard D speak about how she began and I related to what she was saying. I have some similar feelings of shyness and overshadowing vanilla philosophies. Others have attested that she has come so far since their initial meeting of D. So I have hope that if I connect with the right individual, I will also blossom.

S1 was the 3^rd person in my first scene. I had become overwhelmed and she assisted with making me feel safe. She has been kind, supportive and I love her energy. I believe we are friends and I hope to spend more time with her in the future.

S2 is online at this time but I have hopes of meeting her in person. I was asked to friend her by a mutual friend. I don’t believe our mutual friend was a dom, just a man who claimed the title. We would chat often and she had a thirst to learn. As she learned and grew, I believe she realized that she had grown above where he was. She had the strength to move to the next level. She continues to learn and grow but her openness and growing confidence is what I admire most.

The others write blogs I follow. They write on a variety of topics ranging from day to day life and frustrations to scenes that they have witnessed or participated. A combination all of have helped me gain information to help me determine my path. They are community leaders to just regular individuals but their actions allow me to give them the respect and the desire to be like them.

Oh...there was one that I forgot to mention. I look up to Luna. Her courage to write her blog and begin submissiveguide.com so that new and old may share information has greatly assisted in my growth.

Disappointed

In life, we all face disappointments and I'm no different. I was so excited for this day to arrive only to be disappointed. The Top that I had arranged my rope scene with is unable to make the party tonight. In his email, he did ask for a raincheck which I gladly agreed too.

I had been thinking about not going for several reasons. The first one is work is kicking my ass. After 5 months of being off work, I'm having trouble sleeping at night and I'm just so worn out by Friday. I know it will get better and its going to take time to change my sleep schedule. Also I need to get use to being active during the day again. Plus with just getting back to work, I had bills and really couldn't afford at this time. However, events scheduled next month and through the summer should prove to be just as great as the one I'm missing.

Sometimes it sucks to be a responsible adult.

This got me thinking this morning. I feel a lot of pity for some women that I have encountered in the recent years. They appear to be jealous and insecure. They are unable to let go of toxic relationships or see the toxic person as the problem. They would rather believe the lies that are offered by the toxic person than see the patterns that exist. The impact of the toxic person has severely affect their lives but they are unable to move past and remain stagnant.

Oh well, not my problem. I have made the decision to move forward and not let them affect me any longer. By doing this, I have released a lot of stress and I'm able to focus on what is important.

Safety Concerns

This was posted in a Fetlife group and I was ask to leave because of a veiled threat and drama...can you believe? I also find it funny that in another thread on Fetlife, a person states sex offenders are leaders of their kink community. I'm simply amazed that some are ignoring safety issues. Has our community ignored safety just to achieve pleasure?

In this day, everyone needs to be aware and warned about issues surrounding stalking/bullying. We hear about cyber stalking and bullying with our children and in schools but seem not to recognize it in our adult lives. The funny thing is we see shows on tv that explain the details of individuals being stalked in their adult life while officials and others around them felt they were just paranoid or making too much of nothing. Well, it happens to adults just as it does our children.

Relationships don't work. An individual becomes jealous and is unable to let go. These individuals will then pursue for reasons unknown to anyone. They will attempt to destroy other relationships that the person is moving toward. They attempt to embarrass and ruin a reputation by posting their delusional version of the truth and playing the victim when they are the instigator.

I'm writing this because I want women to be aware and safe. Remember this is the internet and the person your chatting with can literally be anyone. Unfortunately, you need to be aware of women just as you are of men. Again, some tv shows have documented that women can and will be just as devious and deadly as men.

One thing that was suggested to me was to have a separate email account for your freak side, totally separate from your primary. Be cautious about handing out personal information like address.

If a meeting is suggested, make sure its in a public place. Feel free to ask for references before meeting. You can negotiate to have another trusted friend present during the scene or arrange for a safe call. Otherwise, make sure that someone knows where you're going and who your meeting. I even read once that the person took a picture of the license plate and sent to a family member and friend.

We have a lot of new people to the lifestyle who are exploring and I think we need to stress safety. Some could harm you physically and others could be an annoyance.

Have fun but be safe.

Chapters

In life, I consider the different situations and relationships to be chapters. You close one and open a new. Some are writing multiple books at a time such as work or family and of course relationship. Well, I'm closing one.

I have determined that some have nothing significant to offer my life. They have only caused hurt and stress so it's time to close this chapter so to begin another.

So tonight, I'm going to a local micro brewery for St. Patrick's Day festivities. The have a Celtic band playing and I'm going to enjoy friends that influence my life on a positive note.

Then next week I will be writing another chapter in my kink life. I'm so excited about the party. I just don't know what to where. I'm going to play and relax in a hot tub.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekends.

Working

Oh...returning to the employment world is cutting in on my blog time. I'm not having as much time to think about things. I was doing so well. I was hoping to hit 200 blogs on my 2 year anniversary. I would have but got to work...lol

The anticipation of my upcoming scenes is driving me crazy. Only a week and a half away. Woohoooo!!!

Other things are falling into place also. But time will tell if resolved.

Its just disturbing that individuals who are honest and flexible are encouraged to be attacked. While those that are derogatory and truth challenged are permitted to contaminant. Hmmm...just doesn't make sense.

Resume and Ethics

I've been doing some reading and have thought about doing a Submissive Resume. Since I'm unowned and unpartnered, I think this will be something good to have to present to any possible partners whether for play or long term interaction.

I already live by a code of ethics which are similar to the social worker's code of ethics. I believe in treating people with dignity and respect. I take people at face value until they prove to be unworthy by being dishonest or attempting to manipulate others. I don't force my opinions or values on others.

Of course, this is a work in progress. There are other areas that I need to look at but one part will be difficult and that is where a Master is concerned. Since I don't have one, I will put something generic together and modify it when the time comes. I'll work on and post the finished product.

A Great Sunday Morning

As Sundays go, this one has had a wonderful start. I actually woke up before noon which is good because I'm starting my new job tomorrow. However, being on 3rd for over 8 years is making it hard to switch my sleep times. Even though I haven't worked in almost 6 months, I have maintained the same schedule. But now, its time for a change plus I have to be at work at 8 am. Its going to be a long week...lol

Another good thing was I was able to cam with G. We hadn't done that in a long time. He said it had been a year and it may have well been. Of course he put his up so I could see as well. He said all the things that I needed to hear. He also promised to try and have daily contact with me. That had been one of the issues that caused me to pull away.

I think if we were remotely close to each other, he would be the Dominant for me. He knows me, understands my mental health issues and knows what I need. He stated that he would cherish me and I do believe him when he says he loves me.

Unfortunately, we both take our responsibilities seriously especially those to our family. He will not ask me to leave them and I will not ask him to leave his. I can't wait to see where this leads.

This Week

This week has been a pretty good week. Eros Gathering was a great start and I had some really good energy for a couple of days. I forgot to mediate and I think the dark energy returned...I need to be consist with mediating. Also, I need to start doing yoga again.

S has been calling. He has even ask if he could visit. I never really thought he would but he made his appearance last night. He confuses me. He calls and basically starts drama by regurgitating the lies that bitch has to offer. She doesn't give him the whole truth and then shows him that I posted a comment after her. Its frustrating that he states he is intelligent but is unable to see that my responses are appropriate to the poster, not just to agitate and start drama. He doesn't see her inappropriate post because the owners of the groups feel they are inappropriate and delete them. I have yet to have a post deleted...hmmm...wonder why. Could it be that I respond to the poster? Hmmmm....

He doesn't see the damage he has done. I think he feels that since I'm talking too him that everything is fine but it isn't. He states he misses the good times we had. The funny thing is I don't remember any good times. This is partly because of what I was going through and the other part how he responded. I wish he would understand that he has nothing to offer me. That he has driven a wedge between us with how he has responded to the whole situation. It just shows he didn't take the time to know me. I guess he will learn when I'm truly gone and no longer available.

On the other hand, G continues to tell me how he loves me. This week he surprised and scared me a little by telling me that I will never know how much he wants me and loves me. As I have told him, time and distance has been against us. I'm hopeful that at some point, one of us will actually be able to make it to see the other. I think if we ever do meet face to face, it will be so amazing that neither will want to separate from the other. We have taken the time to get to know each other and meeting will be the needed bonus.

G and I have been talking for almost 4 years. He also told me that he see the progress I have made in that time. Oh...don't doubt we have had our problems. I have deleted him and re-added him several times. I think he is the one person that I can tell anything too and he will be supportive. I think if I truly needed him, he would come to my assistance. He sees me as an intelligent, independent, strong-willed woman. Instead of stating what he believes to be negative or break me, he wants to nurture the areas which I show weakness such as patience. He encourages me to try what I desire and not to hold back.

Oh...how I wish he was here or I was there...I think G is the reason I am hesitate about getting into a real relationship. Because of how we feel about each other, it wouldn't be fair to anyone that I become involved with. Also, he knows that I have needs and encourages me to take care of them. He doesn't demand that I suffer.

March Madness

March Madness is the event I'm going to on the 24th. I'm happy to say I will be participating in 2 public scenes that night. One with fire and the other with rope and other sensual sensations. I'm so excited and will probably get a lot of nervous energy between now and then.

Now my worry is an outfit. I bought a few things in November that didn't come in time for the other event so I will need to see what's up. I'm actually thinking I would like to have a leather skirt. I guess that will go on my to get list for events later in the summer.

I want more ink...

I so want more ink...I want another tat but just can't figure out what. I've had some suggestions like handcuffs which i really thought about possibly with a rose in it. Oh...there are some I want but its which one do I get first and where.

I would like one on the calf of my leg, another on my upper arm and something on my back. I search and find things but I just can't decide.

Any suggestions?

Hmmm...as a intelligent female with a dominant side, I don't need someone to continually tell me I'm wrong. Especially when i walked away from the relationship. Makes me wonder, why I continue to get calls. Why does he want to continue to talk to me? Why does he want to come and visit me? Why does he want to go to events with me?

I guess he just don't get the idea that I don't appreciate his behaviors. He doesn't get the idea that he actually did things wrong that provoked a reaction which he can only say is bratty behavior. Actually its just he believes he is more intelligent than everyone else around him. That truly is unfortunate because he does have some good instincts but they are extremely clouded my all the misinformation he is receiving.

Maybe someday he will realize that we weren't meant to be permanent partners but we could have learned and explored together. But now, I'm on to finding someone that wants to learn and experience. Actually, my intention is to remain single and unpartnered. I will be able to find enough people within my local community that are trustworthy to play with. Oh...I forgot, I already have hence my first public scene.

So true...14 signs he's just not that into you

You know I have said several times that men fall into patterns especially when they have lost interest and are moving on to the next. This is perfect it identifies the patterns. Oh...I know so many that fit...lol

http://madamenoire.com/77391/girl-just-admit-it-14-signs-hes-just-not-that-into-you/

1. He takes forever to text or email you back
2. He maintains physical and emotional distance
3. He never comes over to your house
4. He avoids touching you in public
5. He rudely shoots down your ideas
6. He only sees you after midnight
7. He won’t let you leave things at his house
8. He attends major events without you
9. He refuses to make future plans with you — short- or long-term
10. He flakes out on plans you do have at the last minute
11. He’s already involved with someone else
12. He doesn’t seem that interested in intimacy
13. He pulls a disappearing act
14. He encourages you to date other people

In another group, they listed additional things to look for. Here they are:

• He constantly forgets to pick you up from work, and he's driving around in your car.
• He won't put down the Wii controller, while you're giving him head.
• He tells you he'll come to bed right after he finishes masturbating
• Tells you you're cute, but your sister is fine.
• He places your coat over a puddle so you don't get your feet wet.
• He picks up his Momma's calls while you're fucking.
• He asks you to wait in the living room while he fucks the new girl he met on the internet, in your bed, because she's a little shy.
• He gave away your shoes to the people from the charity clothing drive, when they came around. You get up and make him a sandwich after sex, and he tells you there's not enough mayo on it.

This is so funny...I wish more women could see it. They would finally figure out what I had so long along. So just don't want to see the patterns that are in front of them.

Another person listed some additional things:

• you find condoms and your not using any
• his Facebook status is single
• shuts the laptop when you walk by
• he leaves the room to take cell calls
• locks cell phone or hides it
• alot more boys nights out or late work nights.
• takes a shower when he gets in
• won't kiss you after
• he buys new underwear
• wants to try new things

Women should pay closer attention to the men. Some will tell you things up from while denying other things.

About Me

Well, it appears I'm in the writing mood tonight. I mediated and actually show the color blue attempting to break through. Upon research, I find this is a very good thing. It means I'm on the right track. I'm getting rid of the darkness, the negativity. I'm on the road to healing or maybe becoming whole for the first time.

But that leads me to more thinking...

I again was looking at past relationships and the hurt. I actually have a pattern which probably needs to be broken. The pattern is I begin to care. I love spending time for the person and will do whatever is requested. I don't make demands or request but hope that what I give is returned to me. Oh, I'm not talking material things, I'm talking the bond between two people, the emotional side.

But the first pattern that I just noticed is that I tend to go after men that appear to want to change or need me for one reason or another. Most are not at the level that I am at (emotional), they are materialistic. There ideas are for wealth and gathering things such as women. Of course, they each say they are different when in fact they are not. I degress again.

The next stage in my pattern is I get comfortable. I am not one to date or see multiple men at one time. If I find one that satisfies me sexually, I don't want to look. I'm comfortable as long as they are honest and don't blur the lines that are established in the beginning. The lines may change over time but that is a discussion that must take place between us.

The next stage is the down slide. At this point, they have hurt me and this is a very deep hurt. Of course, after a little time, I again begin to talk to them believing that I may actually be important but knowing I'm not. There is a spark of hope but things are not the same. Some trust is damaged and lost. I begin to build walls and pull away, make plans for the future. But for some reason I'm always drawn back. This stage repeats several times until I finally say "ok...its time to think about me". At this point, there is no going back, this bridge is burnt. Can we be friends and talk, sure. Can we be anything else, no. Without trust, there is nothing else.

What I want is to be a priority as I have made them. To be given attention as I have given them. Money and things are just that and not important.

Thinking Continues

I really hate having a lot of time to think. I would much rather be feeling or experiencing but thinking is all I can do at this moment. I had a really good day. First, I'm back in the world of the employed. I quit my job in October just because it was too stressful to continue. As a social worker, I wanted to be at a job to be effective in improving another's life. However, I was only there for a pay check and I had all I could take. Oh...forgot to say that I can be and am at times impulsive...lol. Anyways, I'm now a manager at a group home.

This isn't a permanent thing because I do hope to go exploring at some point in my life. But my grandson's pending surgery keeps me grounded in Ohio for the time being. The upside, I will be able to attend all the functions that I want this year, especially this summer.

Part of my thinking has been around what I want, that is in a Dominant/Master. It comes to something rather simple, I want someone that can truly dominate my mind. Most any aggressive man can dominate my body because it will respond. But to truly dominate me, they need to be able to get into my mind and of course my body and soul will follow.

I'm not the type of woman that defines herself by the man that is around, nor am I a woman that requires a man. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the physical side, the touch but that doesn't define me. I'm intelligent and capable of just about anything that I set my mind too. I know who to solve problems so I don't need to be told what to do.

I want someone to guide me, not beat me into submission. Humiliation is also not a good way to manage me. I have a strong set of ethics that I live by. So to be my master, he must also be intelligent and live by a set of strong ethics. But until that time that I meet this man and he sweep me off my feet, I will not be owned or collared. I will submit in the bedroom when I choose and no where else.

A Dominant/Master needs to be stronger than I for me to submit mind, body and soul.

Oh...side bar...the mediation and energy that I learned about yesterday has helped me so much. I don't feel as dark or heavy of soul.

Eros Gathering...meeting 2

Tonight was great. The group has a new space that is warm and cozy with dim lighting.

Tonight we learned about mediating, cleansing, walls and shields. We did some interaction to show the energy we each held.

We did the cleansing mediation, we were told that we may see colors. We were ask to visualize our inter light and send it out into the room. I was nervous at first because I was concentrating but couldn't see any colors or light, it was black. But then it was explained that stress was something that could effect our energy.

The next interaction was what was called a Mr Miyagi. We rubbed our hands together for a few seconds then placed them approximately 2 feet apart, moving then closer to feel the resistance of the energy. I was amazed, I could feel the resistance.

Then we turned to the person next to us and repeated only this time we were to feel the energy of the other person. I told my partner that i couldn't feel anything. He spoke softly to me and began to move his hands in a circular motion around mine. I was amazed that I feel a coldness and warmth as he moved his hands. My partner was familiar with energy and was of great assistance in helping me.

This group consist of those who have studied energy to those of us that no nothing. This meeting was to give us the basics. To talk about the different cores or energy locations within our body, to protect against negative energy and energy we may receive from those around. Also, to help us get in touch with the energy within ourselves and to share with our partners or with those we play.

As I was leaving, I felt different but couldn't really put my finger on why. Then I realized some of the stress had left my body and was continuing to do so. I felt lighter. I was having a physiological response to the release of stress, I was shivering. I learned about this after a trauma.

I also realized that I have a negative cord which I need to cut, my stalker. I plan to meditate tonight and visualize the cutting of the cord. I hope this will allow me to move on and not be bother by her petty behaviors.

Misconception

It has come to my attention that a major misconception is floating about concerning me. There is the idea that I'm a follower. I'm weak, simple-minded and not able to make decisions on my own. I need to copy another's actions to fulfill myself. All these ideas are far from who or what I am.

I'm actually a leader, a teacher, a resource person, intelligent, independent and strong-willed. I have a code that I try to live by and I have also attempted to apply it in all aspects of my life. As for being a follower, I could never be. I'm too vocal especially when there is an appearance of things not being right.

I don't treat another as I don't want to be treated. I treat people with respect and dignity. I have in the past stood up for those not able to stand up for themselves. If I was a follower, I wouldn't be labeled as a rebel. But I do admit that at times, I don't show diplomacy or have a filter on what I say.

I take responsibility for my actions, good or bad. If I did it, I will tell you. I'm a good friend and will go when the call for help is sounded. However, I have gotten use to no one being there for me which has taught me to problem solve for myself. Don't get me wrong, I have close friends that have came to my aid, not because I requested assistance but because they saw a need and wanted to help as I have them in the past.

I am diagnosis with Bipolar but that doesn't make me crazy. It also isn't a weakness as some would assume. Its apart of me that I have accepted. I also understand that at times when I'm overwhelmed that I don't always perceive things as presented. But once I'm able to relax and think, I can again rationalize and resolve.

Talking

I'm amazed at the conversations that I have had today. They have been positive and eye opening.

The first has really been on my mind. I was laughing at my stalker and shared this information with the other person individual. Of course, he took it wrong. He thought I was bitching and putting him in the middle. The one thing that was said that struck me the most is I was the one doing everything. He seems to have forgotten the past.

For months, I ignored her and silly rants. For months, she had friends get on my page to see what I was writing and to use against me. For months, he bitched at me whenever she shared her pain. He always accused me of something and didn't believe what I was saying because he was basing everything on her statements. Now, I'm still at blame for simply telling him things first.

I ask him today, how am I to know he isn't lying to me since I know he has lied to her? He states he has no reason to lie. But if that is the truth why did he lie to her when he and his cousin came down to a party that I invited him too? And why hasn't he told her that he has a car?

I really don't think know why he continues to contact me. Its apparent in his eyes I don't do much right. He is even planning to come and visit me. I just don't understand what he wants. I believe he has feelings that he doesn't want to admit too but I don't need the roller coaster ride. I have so much more going on and he is aware of this. I know what I need to do but my heart and mind are in conflict.

Then a friend of my stalker writes a comment on my posting on another site. He states there are two sides to all stories and may be a third. Why don't people realize when blogging its one sided, the writer's? Are we suppose to report the other side also?

After several public post, I emailed him. I appreciate the conversation that I had with him. I had ask if she ask him to review my profile because I really don't believe in just chance. However, he state he was reviewing events and noticed that I might attend and checked out my profile. He also acknowledged who I was speaking about and even stated she showed her ignorance in a posting about me in another group.

I really have tried to move on and ignore things. I wish someone would just validate my feelings, not necessarily that I'm right, but that my reputation is being trampled. If everyone believes there are 2 sides to all stories, why isn't anyone asking for my side?

On the upside, my negotiations are going well. I think we have an understanding about what I want. I'm so glad I chose the person I did, he wants the scene to be great to me. He wants me to feel comfortable and safe. I think it will be a great scene and the anticipation will kill me...lol

Overall, some really good talks. I know what I need to do, its just doing it. Social workers are great at giving advice but not at taking, just as nurses make bad patients.

Negotiating...part 2

We have chatted some more. I told him how I also like electric. He told me he makes his own rope and might have a surprise, some conducts electric...This could be a shocking scene.

Its really nice to negotiate. We will be getting together that evening to help develop a bond which will provide me the knowledge that I'm safe and secure. Then we will get into our scene. Its a shame that we can't have pics because I believe this will be absolutely fantastic. Of course, I will blog either the night it occurs or the morning after. It just depends on what my recovery time will be.

This will be another first for me. Maybe I should start to develop a BDSM resume.

Emotions...

I'm sitting here experiencing a variety of emotions and I don't really have anyone to talk too. I don't think anyone really understands what I feel or I go through.

For the last 2 days, I have been excited. Things were going smoothly and I decided to approach a Top with a request of a scene at a party I plan to attend. The request was well received and negotiations began. I can't really say why I chose this particular Top but we interacted well and he is totally involved with the community which gives me a level of security. He also encouraged me to contact his partner and I chatted with her also. Another person of interest also established some open communication and tentative plans were made.

But instead of leaving me alone as I have requested, my stalker had to make her presence known. She posted in a group that she never has and stated an interest in attending a function. She didn't do it to attend, she did it to agitate me and put a damper on my excitement. She has made her presence known a couple time in the last couple of weeks but has been blocked. She made an inappropriate post which was removed. She posted in another group so that I would see her profile pic which was of her playing with my play partner. She doesn't know what is going on between us but since he isn't speaking to her, she feels the need to interfere with what is going on in my life. Yes, I've blasted her in several of my post which was more venting but I thought she would take the hit.

I've moved on. She is not important to me, my plans or future. She may have figured out that I was correct, S was using her for her car. Since she wrecked her's, he hasn't been around. She is unable to accept that he wasn't happy with her and doesn't want her type. Yes, I know what is going on. What she doesn't know is I'm the one that he cares about. I'm the one he wants to see and spend time with, not her. I know how to act in public, I don't embarrass him. His family enjoys being around me. I have no desire to bring attention to myself by fucking all his friends and family that present.

He wanted a poly relationship with the both of us but she only wanted to control him. She wanted to say that her hard limit was saying who he could be with. She doesn't understand limits, protocols or anything about the lifestyle which is why men probably keep finding different partners.

As I explained to him, I wanted to provide him with reliable information from community leaders, not those that have questionable characters. I was wanting his reputation to be solid with no doubt from those in the community. Just because an individual states they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years doesn't mean anything. I would question what have you done in those 20 years to prove you were trustworthy. As I have stated before, individuals who are involved in the community and have others with knowledge of said individual are more creditable than those that have a lot of words but no actions. This is apart of being safe in this lifestyle.

I would rather be over cautious then to end up severely injured. I understand accidents happen but sometimes they can be avoided.

OK...I think my roller coaster ride is over...Sorry for the ramble but had to get it out. This is my safe place to vent.

Figured out

Ok...now that I'm done laughing my ass off at the borderline bitch that wants to stalk me. I have been thinking about my negotiations. I have determined that I'm a sensualist. I love the feel of rope and enjoy several other sensations.

Here is my email to the person I have ask to be the Dominant in the scene, the beginning of my negotiations.

"Well, I've been thinking. I would like to possibly be suspended, I was suspended once before. I'm also a sensualist. I don't know what my limits are but my experience is limited. I've tried the following sensations once: whartenburg wheel, clothes pins, rubber bands, candle wax, knives (scrapping the wax off), vampire glove, inflatable butt plug and small canes. I was also flogged once. I've been tied up a couple of times. Oh...I also love electric. I've had the opportunity to play with a violent wand on several occasions.

The first time I was tied up, everything was going good. My hands and arms were tied behind my back. He started to take the rope between my legs and I started to feel as if I was going to pass out. I got really hot and dizzy. I actually did go into a dream state but was aroused out by the couple that I was with. The feeling really shocked me.

I usually have trust issues and don't fully relax. I don't know how to explain this, my mind has a hard time releasing contol.

Ok...limits...no bodily fluids. I haven't much experience with pain but do have a high tolerance. I also like hair pulling and ass smacking. I'm thinking a combination of things; bondage, suspension, maybe flogging. Throw in some wax scrapped off with a knife and maybe a vibrator...

I'm still in the exploring stage can you tell.

I want to thank you. I'm impressed by your participation in the community and how we interacted for the short period in the hot tub."

I'm still waiting to hear from the fire person but I have sent an email. I was told I could have a scene so I hope there will be time.

I'm so excited. I have wanted to participate in public but have only observed. The group that is sponsoring the event is great and has a lot of friendly and welcoming people. I feel safe participating in this atmosphere. This is going to be a great night. I'm going to be so anxious until the night is actually here and over.

OMG

OMG...I have to laugh...stalker is planning to walk to Columbus for a party. She is also making these plans with a person that she considers her Dom. The real funny part, she didn't tell him. She is making plans with no intent to really do it, just to agitate me. I'm laughing my ass off.

I know she is reading this as is many of her friends. No I'm this is just paranoia, its actually true. She won't respond to anything because her comments won't be seen. So she goes about her underhandedness, sneaking around several groups attempting to create trouble. I laugh at all her attempts and pity that her life is so boring that the only thing she is capable of doing is stalking.

FYI: stalking is illegal. Be careful not to get caught.

Another Thinking Night

Oh...I hate not being able to sleep. I'm tired and I haven't been feeling well but sleep still evades me...so I sit her with my mind jumping from topic to topic, wondering but not regretting my actions of the past.

A lot of men have attempted to say they were Dominant and I had to submit which hasn't worked for them at all. They have wanted to tame me, break me or change me with no success. Then they have moved on with their lies and empty promises to the next unsuspecting female.

I'm really not that difficult to get along with. I believe if an individual is going to make a statement, they should follow through with action. Just saying the words is meaningless and does nothing to develop trust or strengthen the bond needed for two individuals to succeed.

I don't believe most have taken the time to see the real me. The funny thing is those that I have an online relationship with has taken the time to know me and even love me. They care what is going on with me and even worry about me. Time and space has prevented us from having face to face time and develop the physical relationship.

What's really funny are the ones that state I'm crazy and I'm chasing them when its the opposite is true. They players who think they have game and won't get caught. However, they have a pattern and I happen to pay attention enough to see it. When I have determined that relationship doesn't meet my needs, I take my dignity and wounded heart away to heal. I don't look back. I don't follow their various pages on the different social networks. I don't call or text. I don't email. What do I do? I delete everything, pictures, phone number and email so to help me forget and move on.

I am human and do at times wonder if they are alright and found happiness. This is because I did have a caring relationship on my part but I also know that contacting them wouldn't help either of us. I walked away for a reason. I have a code that I live by. I have dignity and respect for myself even if they didn't.

However, the men would disagree. They would say that I didn't walk away because they have to uphold their masculinity. They couldn't have been the problem because its always the woman. This is especially true when it is revealed to their next conquest that they continue to seek me out. I know what is the truth and if they chose to build their foundation on lies that is on them.

On to the future...woohoo!

Negotiating

I'm currently negotiating for 2 scenes at March Madness. A rope and fire scene so my first public scenes will actually be a few months earlier than originally planned.

I'm so excited...more details to come.

Acceptance with Hope

I think there comes a time in a person's life when they accept what has been given to them. For me, its being the lone matriarch in a family. I think this is what gives me strength to continue.

I tried to satisfy the needs of my partners but I have never been a priority. So when traps have been set to keep in me in my place, I have been able to problem solve and continue to thrive without any assistance. Because of this strength, I have realized I will not submit just because I'm told. Also, I will not stop doing what I have done so well, resolve any issues or problems that I'm faced with.

When I'm overwhelmed, I don't always think clearly and may react with anger. But once things have calmed, I'm rested and able to think, the irrational thoughts are replaced with rational.

Everyone has a level of drama in their lives whether it be personally or professionally; however, I have found more than my share with the men I have chosen to spend time with. Each began by telling me that they "are not like the rest". The fact is with time patterns show and each are like those they stated they weren't. I'm told they are honest but their dishonesty slowly revealed. While in your presence, they tell lies to another. For me, I begin to think, what is he lying to be about? Another thing is those that lie aren't able to keep track of their lies. When confronted, they tell you "that wasn't what was said" or "I did tell you about that".

I degrees. Acceptance, I have come to accept that I will be strength to my family and friends but I won't be the one to have someone for strength. Oh, my friends will be there to provide need emotional support during a crisis, but I won't have the one special person to hold my hand and tell me everything will be OK.

Partners will come and they will go. Of course, their going will be my decision. I will try to work at a relationship whether casual or committed, but will realize that it is one sided and I'm looking for something that is two sided. I have hope that someone special will appear and not be like the rest but I have accepted that he currently isn't present.

Maybe tomorrow he will make his presence known to me. But tonight, I go to bed alone.

This was a response in a Fetlife group: Dominant Men that like Submissive Women with Dominant Personalities. It goes along with the quote I posted yesterday. There were some great responses but I thought this one was the most profound.

The beginning of the thread was posted by Piercednwilling: "As I search and search for a submissive woman... I have yet to find one who can live up to my standards. It disappoints me. It saddens me really. So pathetic that you can't even do what your told, when your told to do it. And how do you react when you get punished for your fuck ups? You whine and whimper and complain. When will you learn that its not about what you want. It's what your domme wants! Its a shame really.."

Response from Colodom: "Interesting that you're writing in the group for Dominant Men that Like Submissive Women with Dominant Personalities. From your brief comments it doesn't appear you comprehend what that means. Granted, I only have a few brief comments on which to judge my remarks. But, I've rarely seen any woman, submissive or otherwise, and especially not submissives with dominant personalities, who respond well to barking orders and being told what they want or think doesn't matter. Just because a woman is a sub doesn't mean she's mindless or without feelings. IMHO and experience, submissive women with dominant personalities respond much more favorably to men who quietly and calmly direct their life than they do to the "on your knees and start sucking bitch," type of person. The "I don't care what you think/want" type of dominant is a mostly non-existent stereotype of a dominant. And the "I don't care a whit for myself, I just want to be treated like shit" submissive is equally a stereotype. Successful D/s relationships are built on respect for the Dom , and yes, for the sub as well. Recognize what she's giving to the D/s relationship and you'll find youself with a much more compliant and happy sub. Or, don't you care what she thinks?

Try intellectually overcoming her, not yelling. Try feeding her needs and calmly insisting on a certain standard of behavior, instead of barking orders. Try listening to her and then letting her know why you believe your way is better/best. You'll get the submissive you seek when you earn it, not by claiming you're entitled to it.

My sub will do most anything I tell her, and she is a woman (not a "bitch" or a "cunt", and certainly not "pathetic") with a very dominant personality. Yet, she submits to me, sexually, in the bdsm realm and in our private, vanilla life, because she respects and wants to please me, not because she gets yelled at or told she's worthless.

Being a Dom is a lot more than yelling, cursing and beatings."

It would be nice if some of the newbies would seek assistance from those with experience and insight instead of those with questionable characters.