Atlanta

Last weekend was my second trip to Atlanta, second time to met Sir face to face. It was great to see him in person, to touch him, to talk to him, to have dinner with him, to touch him in the middle of the night, to be awaken by him. All the little things that couples do regular. Because we have chosen to be long distance, I value the time we get to do the little things.

Our schedules have prevented us from a full play schedule. My first trip, I had worked mass hours prior to going to ATL. I sleep a lot while there that is between play periods. This time he was working mass hours and was tired. Eating dinner and sex put him right to sleep. He had a full night planned for me but he needed his rest. He's wanting to come to Ohio for a couple of parties...play parties. I'll find a good one.

My next trip is Vegas baby.

Sir

Sir is different from the others that I have dated and played. We are on the eve of our second meeting and he's using words like control and take care of which are foreign to me. I'm the caregiver. I'm the one in control and take care of people. No man has ever taken care of me. This brings up a new area totally familiar. I hope I don't offend and unknowingly get in trouble.

So much to learn about Him and continuing my education in the lifestyle. That is now that I can finally move forward.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I blogged or even had anything to blog about. I took a step back to re-evaluate things and to breath a bit.

I knew what I was looking for but couldn't always verbalize it. Well let me try and give you an update about what's been going on.

I've been talking to men trying to find one that was somewhat real. Wanted to meet, get to know each other, do things together. Most didn't make it past texting. But I met one in 2018 that had potential. We texted, had short conversations on the phone which weren't sex based. It's important to me that the phone conversations are us talking about something other than sex. Then we met.

I wasn't happy with the first meeting. He wanted it to be a 3some weekend which it ended up being. He needed to know that I could trust him to take care of me. Both went home happy and communications increased between he and I over the next months.

At some point, he decided he wanted a relationship which meant seeing each other more, talking more and possibly working toward some real.

So on the 12th, I'm making a trip to meet him for a 2nd time. He has some quirks that are driving me crazy but time will tell. Maybe we just need time.

Loyal

I was recently ask if I was "loyal". Of course, I answered that was one of my best traits but I don't think that was a fair question.

This person was wondering if i would be loyal to him and him alone. The funny thing is he didn't mention he being loyal to me or ask about my other potential loyalties. If he would have ask me to be disloyal to my family or other responsibilities and I would have been, I would have been dishonest and weak willed and disloyal.

I'm not easily swayed, usually the person has to break the bond, not someone telling me too. I base my friendships, trust and loyalty on how I'm treated, not the next person. So I'm not going to break a bond based on someone else's dislike or bad interaction. 

Dreams that are in reality fantasy

As a child, I had a dream about love, marriage, family and how my life was going to be. Even with uncaring parents, iffy childhood, divorce, lose of many things, I was still able to have a sense of morals and ethical code. I still had dreams but they were only dreams. I didn't believe they would come true. I guess I lost hope.

I was married, neither lived up to my dream. Both men said they loved me but never made me a priority so didn't live up to the dream. Neither men took care of me, I took care of everything in the house so didn't live to the dream. Both men thought there activities came first I was there to support them unless the kids had something, this included surgeries. However, I've always been alone so no dream here. Of course, a good sign that the dream failed, I've had 2 failed marriages and multiple failed relationships.

So sense I'm middle age and the likely hood of finding a successfully relationship, I conclude that in reality the dream is a fantasy. I don't know why it exists for some and not for others but for me it doesn't. Love is real with my children and grandchildren but that's the extent.

I don't know how this really affects me at this point. Its just a realization that I've came too. Now I need to figure out how this fits into the puzzle. I think it will be interesting.

My Jouney continues

I decided to take a step away from things for awhile but now I think its time to focus on me. To be honest, I've hide because I really didn't want to make time for a relationship. I didn't want to admit that I was doing that but I think I was.

I got hurt and disappointed, instead of dealing, I decided I my family or work needed me more so I closed the door and did look back. I built walls and made sure no one would attempt to breach. I can say I was successful.

But then I realized something was missing and that was a partner so I thought I would put myself out there again. I thought I knew what I wanted. I knew who I am. I knew the mistakes I made in the past. So I started talking again and actually found a couple that I was impressed with. However, I came to realize, its not just me.

During the getting to know stage, its not just about sex. I'm 52 years old. More than sex has happen to me in 52 years so that affects how I respond to things. I have triggers that send those walls up before I realize what is happening but I guess my walls weed out and allow me to focus on the ones that might truly be worth evaluating.

I can't allow myself to over focus on the ones that appear to be based in fiction. I think I've read too many books...lol

Continued Disappointment

I find myself continuely being disappointed with potential partners. They begin to chat, getting to know each other. I continue to hear the similar statements about not being able to find someone but no one takes the time to know me. How do they know I'm not the right person?

They often become upset when I confront them about the lack of communication. Instead of accepting I may have a point, I'm accused of being child like or acting like I'm in high school.

I don't play games but if I'm unhappy about something I ask questions or make statements. Instead of taking time a discussing the situation, I'm ignored.

I've spent a life time being ignored, I won't be just cuz someone can't man up and talk. I move on.

I want someone to follow though with their statements. Show me that there is action behind their words and not just that they are telling me things I want to hear.

I also want to be a priority. I want someone to make me just as important as I make them. Maybe my expections are too high?