Analyzing

I have had time to think about my last involvements. B once said I was too busy wanting to please the flesh instead of training my mind. I actually understand this but feel trust has been my stopping point. I can't allow my mind to fall blindly if the person isn't trustworthy. And every time I begin to trust, the person shows me that they really aren't worthy of my trust.

Everyone says things are black and white but talk gray. Statements aren't clear. Like willingness will result in earning. The willingness is there but nothing is ever earned. No training takes place even when ask. My intelligence is ignored. Am I to be mindless when I have been independent and full of thoughts for my entire adult life. I'm told to be me but me isn't what anyone wants.

For a minute I thought I needed to be in a 24/7 relationship to fully learn and gain that mindset that I'm so lacking. But now I think I just need to be a play partner. I need to know what my limits are for the physical play because that is really all I wanted. But I must say the blogs with details and videos do ignite me.

I looking for a Dominate that is able to sense my desire to submit and then takes it. The Dominate probably only exists on paper and I will be continuely disappointed. I'm not going to settle any longer. I'm going to explore, attend events and make friends.

I know

I know why B contacted me...he went and visited his bitch. Of course, she is unable to satisfy him sexually and he always attempts to return to me. Well, that will never be happening again. I do hope I made that clear to him. I guess I need to make the finally change. I need to change my phone number so that he may not contact me again. But then again, that will happen when I move.

That was the blog I started to write. I'm angry at him for doing what he has done which I'm not going to rehash. But I'm more angry with myself because I saw the red flags and didn't trust my head. I allowed my heart to rule. One lives and learns but that seems to fail with me. I keep living but don't learn to listen to my head.

Here is yesterday's horoscope which seemed so fitting.

"Just when you feel like you've come to a point of emotional stability and calm, Scorpio, something happens to throw you off balance. You may be uneasy with the notion of stability and feel what you really want is risk, action, and excitement. This inner conflict makes it hard for you to operate. Try not to overanalyze every piece of the equation. The solution will come to you."

Well, I'm still hurt because that is what happens every time he re-enters my life or attempts too. And, of course, I'm still disappointed in myself. But I'm getting back on track. I did a post last night on Fetlife wondering if I just realized to late in life to change. I received some really positive feedback. I also decided to attend an informative/educational event which was enlightening. Provided the positiveness that was really needed.

Another friend on Fetlife saw my rambling and wants to meet for lunch or dinner. She wants to provide some positive support. She doesn't want me to get discouraged with the lifestyle. I think I'm going to the munch on Thursday just because I need too. It will probably help me over these setbacks that I feel I have had.

Moving Forward

First I must say I'm proud of myself. B contacted me this week wanting to meet for a booty call. I had wanted to but I had my older granddaughters who can't stay alone. He told me he would call on his way back through. I hadn't really responded. Oh how I wish I could have fucked him but its better that I didn't. I'm proud of myself cause I texted him yesterday and requested he not contact me on his way through. I told him I couldn't be his boody call and he made it plain that we had no future. He texted back "ok". Shortly after that he texted again "Sorry for bothering you". I didn't respond to either.

I thought about alot of things since he contacted me. He only cared for his needs. He has a list of numbers that he is able to call but choose to call me and attempt to drag me back into his drama. He made his choice and repeatedly it wasn't me. I love him so deeply but I just can't do what he wants. He didn't recognize anything that I had done or my loyalty, my trust, my devotion.

Of course, all this comes on the tails of the rug being pulled out from under me with S & S. I'm feeling so unwanted at this time. I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright but that is a fantasy. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone. In the last couple of years, the individuals that I have began to trust have rocked me. I just don't know how I will get past the trust issue in the future.

Failing

The one thing that I didn't want to fail at, I have. Shelly wrote to me and stated they wanted to offer me friendship at this time. It was stated I had too much on my plate and needed to concentrate on that. What they failed to realize is that plate will always be full. It has been for 25 years and will be til the day I die. The plate they referred to was with my children and grandchildren.

When I went back down to finish helping to prepare for the wedding, I was determined to take over and be "Me". I was told no to be an Indian and allow the incompetent one to be the chief. I told them I would follow. I would do what was needed. They paid the incompetent one to do the reception. She didn't have the food ready when people started to arrive. There was no coffee. Her children were running around out of control. She began to have a break down. She left the hall prior to clean up and left the rest of us a mess.

As for me, I charmed the family, watched after the babies and tried to make a stress free environment so the couple could enjoy their night. It was noticed I was charming and everyone had good things to say but there was chaos. No one thought of what to do with the children after the reception.

There was a discussion the night before that the babies were going with his mom and the older children would return to the house. Going to the hotel was canceled, we were going to play at home so the older children wouldn't be unattended. Shelly felt that we had earned some play time. There had even been arrangements to have my car driven home by her father so I wouldn't be driving after drinking. I assumed I could drink cause a bottle had been ordered for me. Well the carrot was dangled and I ate it...so to speak, I'm an alcoholic. He stated he was upset because I had drank around his children. I never got intoxicated and I even ran an errand for them which caused me to miss most of the reception. I pushed my body physically to the point that I am still sore today.

All my willingness earned me nothing but being ask to leave. I even think he didn't want to see me the next morning and was upset when I was still present. I left to come home to relax in the pool. I really think I should have just drove home that night even with all the pain I was in.

When I got home, I text to tell them I made it home and I would like to have a conversation in a day or two...she agreed. The conversation came on Monday, not on the phone but by texting. Thats when friendship and a stable support system was offered. Because they didn't get to know me, they didn't know I already have that. I was looking for peace and order. I wanted to give up control over most of my life but the part that includes my children.

The ironic part of this, they keep a slave that is so incompetent that she can't even clean the house to any level. They even have to go over areas that she states are done. They trust her with the babies. This is a mother that allowed one of her children to be taken. If truth be told, I would bet she gave her up. I would never allow her to watch my babies. Well, at least I don't have to deal with her any more. I've been cut loose.

Just another failed relationship...no one wants "me". They want their idea of what "me" is. Obviously, no one wants my submission either. I'm told its a special gift to give but mine keeps getting thrown back in my face.

I think I'm going to leave this lifestyle alone for a while so I wont be writing much. All the men state they are different but patterns keep emerging from them all...the same patterns. So are they really different...I don't think so.

Jumbled thoughts

Alot has happened in the last week. At this point, I don't know what to think or do. I was told to be me and then sent home with the statement "I'm not mad". Maybe I'm too old to change my thought process. Maybe I'm being inpatient. Maybe I'm expecting too from myself. I don't have any expectations and have stated I wont ask for anything. Maybe that is the problem. I've have too many years of conditioning and can't reverse that. I've felt like an outsider looking in and I still have alot of vanilla thinking. Can I change the things that have been ingrained.

I'll provide more details and feelings shortly because I really need to write them out to help me process.

Training

I'm finally getting what I have wanted for a while...training. Its not what I had thought it was but most of my perceptions have come from reading and not experience. Also its more individual based than I realized. I still really don't know how its going but its only been a few days.

Sir and Ma'am are getting married Saturday. Ma'am says she has had a bridezilla moment but I didn't think it was as bad as she stated it was. But then I only seen her after the moment. She seems so organized and together.

I was given a task to complete. Sir and Ma'am were both satisfied, I wasn't. Sir has given me several tasks but they all what I have always did. So they have come very easy. I am concerned that I can't get into mentality fully. I've made the decision to try and that I will.

I have been on information overload the last few days. Sir says I can learn from him and both his slaves. One is truly a slave, I'm a submissive with dominate traits and his primary is a Domme who serves her Master.

Ok...I have received a definition for earning and training. Earning is just willingness. At this time, training is considered learning the dynamics which I think I am. I just haven't figured out where I fit in. I don't have a position but I'm told to consider this my home when I am here. However, I did that and probably over step my bounds where it came to the children. I was also told to be me but I don't think I can. I feel that I am receiving conflicting information and I'm trying to be perfect which really isn't possible but still trying.

More to come later.