Ok...I'm sick. I've tried to write on post and placed it in drafts. I started to come down with something last week and tried to ignore it. Well, it hasn't worked for me. I tried getting some over the counter stuff that I thought was working and again I was wrong. I finally called the doctor and was called in an antibodic.
I bet your wondering where I'm heading with this and how it affects me trying to find my submissiveness. Well, I'm talking to several dominates as I have discussed in prior blogs. One has been kissed off as you all know from previous blogs. Ok...I'm not going to rehash old news.
Ok...2 out of the 3 remaining dominates have been concerned for my health and even ask how I'm doing. One tried to give me an authoritative voice through texting that demanded I pick up the prescription and take it no matter if it was yuk cough syrup. The one that hasn't ask about my health knows I'm sick cause I canceled seeing him because of it. Tonight he texts he wants me to take a pic of 2 fingers in my pussy and send it to him. He hasn't contacted me except to say he wants to see me. Hasn't ask how I'm doing, just demands a pic and tells me about giving up control. Please!!!! I even told him I was in a pissy mood and didn't really want to piss him off cause at that time I was showing some great restraint which is unusual for me.
This is a time that a sub can really tell who is an actual dominate vs not.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Scene 2
Yesterday morning was very good. The last scene we did wasn't as successful as I had hoped. I was placed in ropes but passed out before I was all tied up. So we made plans to meet but the one week was busy for him and then the next was bad for me. However, yesterday morning was a success.
We sat and chatted for awhile. Then he pulled a pad out and placed on the coffee table. He stated it was sturdy and had some good uses. Then he had me stand in front of him. My tee shirt was removed along with my bra. He began to put the rope on me. He only did the upper half and some pics was taken. I removed my pants and he had me lay on the table. He placed leather on my wrist and ankles then laced the rope through it and secured me to the table. He did allow for wiggle room. I stated I liked blindfolds and he said he could help with that. He then went and got a leather blindfold with sheep skin on the inside.
For the next hour or more, I experienced different sensations. He used knives, whortonberg wheel, violet wand and wicked sticks all the while concentrating on my breast. I had told him my nipples were sensitive. He also used everything on the pussy with the addition of dolphin, vibrators and his cock. I also told him that I liked anal and he complied to my wishes. I wasn't use to the position but with patience, everything ended with success.
I then got up and went home. I was a lil dazed but all was good.
We sat and chatted for awhile. Then he pulled a pad out and placed on the coffee table. He stated it was sturdy and had some good uses. Then he had me stand in front of him. My tee shirt was removed along with my bra. He began to put the rope on me. He only did the upper half and some pics was taken. I removed my pants and he had me lay on the table. He placed leather on my wrist and ankles then laced the rope through it and secured me to the table. He did allow for wiggle room. I stated I liked blindfolds and he said he could help with that. He then went and got a leather blindfold with sheep skin on the inside.
For the next hour or more, I experienced different sensations. He used knives, whortonberg wheel, violet wand and wicked sticks all the while concentrating on my breast. I had told him my nipples were sensitive. He also used everything on the pussy with the addition of dolphin, vibrators and his cock. I also told him that I liked anal and he complied to my wishes. I wasn't use to the position but with patience, everything ended with success.
I then got up and went home. I was a lil dazed but all was good.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Distraction
This week was rough. I came down with something and haven't felt good. Then B and I had our final fight. While I requested he not contact me again which wasn't successful. He said very mean and untruthful things. The following will be his texts with me providing a statement.
This is from a previous post: During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is defined by society, the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?
He texts this statement when I told him I wanted to call it quits again "From this day forward I want. You to hate me think of me as dead and burning in hell and promise you I shall do the same". This was sent to me last Wednesday. On Friday night I woke to a text apologizing. After some back and forth, he texts something stating he would have to accept. I then ask him what he actually meant cuz this was a problem. He never stated what he meant. He also proclaimed he loved me and would til the day he die. He even started to call me and we actually talked longer than 5 minutes. I told him I was tired of fighting to be with him. It hurt me to not be acknowledged. I also told him of what I wanted, a 24/7 D/s relationship with possibly a slave to satisfy his needs if I couldn't. He was shocked. My last question to him was "where do I rank in your life". His response was why does it matter. I hung up the phone telling him it didn't and crying. He then texts "1". I decided to look at his profile knowing he had been on it often the last couple of days. There big as day "in a relationship with carr". Again he acknowledge a relationship that he said didn't exist. He could have signed the appropriate tags but he chose "in a relationship". He also stated "in a leather family, in the house of". There was a 3rd that I can't remember. I called him and told him we were done and not to ever contact me again.
The next morning he texts "where do I stand in your life". I responded "you have always been first. But your fetlife profile shows your choice and it wasn't me". He then texts "OK then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off". This was the next to come "So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text". He was not a replacement for Lamont. I was well over him and had started dating again when I met him face to face. But because several to the bitches Lamont had fucked had told him things, he believed them and not me. He never trusted me from the beginning.
I then told him he was "too weak to handle me". This was his response "Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut". He finally admitted he didn't trust me. The basis of everything.
I told him he abused me. Lamont had hit me several times and B always stated he was different, he didn't hit women out of anger. I told him that day I healed quickly from Lamont's abuse but his would take longer. I told him the neglect and ignoring were abuse. He texts this "I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do". Followed by "You should ask your dom to write cum slut and whore on you in the next scene you do and cock slut".
I wanted to see how others really viewed "in a relationship" so I posted that question in two groups on fetlife. In the Submissive Women, I got some good response. However, I also got alot of unwanted relationship advise and lots of questions.
MK had text and stated he thought it best to back off. I explained to him what was going on. He offered me to be under his protection. This is where some of the questions came in. My profile was being viewed and then his. I had to explain that he was the one in question. Overall, alot of good feedback with the results being similar to how I viewed it.
I finished my first assignment for MK and emailed it to him. He did tell me it was good and he would respond in the morning via email. I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say.
Now with this distraction out of the way, I should be able to concentrate on learning and growing as a submissive. I've done some more reading and realize finding the perfect or close to Dominate may take a while so my decision not to rush is a good one.
I realize B never had my best interest at heart. He probably didn't even love me, those were just words to entrap me knowing its what I craved so bad. He never intended to do a scene with me or try anything I desired. He held that against me but if he refused to meet my needs then I would have to find someone that could. This as exactly what I did. I walked away from him the second time cuz he wasn't there for me, guiding me or willing to know my needs. He didn't trust, respect, communicate and wasn't honest. We lacked 6 of 6 values to a D/s relationship. I allowed talks with him just to prove to myself that it was truly over and it didn't take long for that to come about. I don't like how things went down but if he wants to blame me that is fine. I know I did what I could but I don't have to take his abuse which is what it was. I have found a good Dominate to guide me. The relationship is open and honest. There is communication and respect. Plus he is willing to explore the activities that I want to experience. This allows me to find the activities I like and I'm sure he will push my limits which hasn't been done.
This is from a previous post: During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is defined by society, the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?
He texts this statement when I told him I wanted to call it quits again "From this day forward I want. You to hate me think of me as dead and burning in hell and promise you I shall do the same". This was sent to me last Wednesday. On Friday night I woke to a text apologizing. After some back and forth, he texts something stating he would have to accept. I then ask him what he actually meant cuz this was a problem. He never stated what he meant. He also proclaimed he loved me and would til the day he die. He even started to call me and we actually talked longer than 5 minutes. I told him I was tired of fighting to be with him. It hurt me to not be acknowledged. I also told him of what I wanted, a 24/7 D/s relationship with possibly a slave to satisfy his needs if I couldn't. He was shocked. My last question to him was "where do I rank in your life". His response was why does it matter. I hung up the phone telling him it didn't and crying. He then texts "1". I decided to look at his profile knowing he had been on it often the last couple of days. There big as day "in a relationship with carr". Again he acknowledge a relationship that he said didn't exist. He could have signed the appropriate tags but he chose "in a relationship". He also stated "in a leather family, in the house of". There was a 3rd that I can't remember. I called him and told him we were done and not to ever contact me again.
The next morning he texts "where do I stand in your life". I responded "you have always been first. But your fetlife profile shows your choice and it wasn't me". He then texts "OK then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off". This was the next to come "So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text". He was not a replacement for Lamont. I was well over him and had started dating again when I met him face to face. But because several to the bitches Lamont had fucked had told him things, he believed them and not me. He never trusted me from the beginning.
I then told him he was "too weak to handle me". This was his response "Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut". He finally admitted he didn't trust me. The basis of everything.
I told him he abused me. Lamont had hit me several times and B always stated he was different, he didn't hit women out of anger. I told him that day I healed quickly from Lamont's abuse but his would take longer. I told him the neglect and ignoring were abuse. He texts this "I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do". Followed by "You should ask your dom to write cum slut and whore on you in the next scene you do and cock slut".
I wanted to see how others really viewed "in a relationship" so I posted that question in two groups on fetlife. In the Submissive Women, I got some good response. However, I also got alot of unwanted relationship advise and lots of questions.
MK had text and stated he thought it best to back off. I explained to him what was going on. He offered me to be under his protection. This is where some of the questions came in. My profile was being viewed and then his. I had to explain that he was the one in question. Overall, alot of good feedback with the results being similar to how I viewed it.
I finished my first assignment for MK and emailed it to him. He did tell me it was good and he would respond in the morning via email. I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say.
Now with this distraction out of the way, I should be able to concentrate on learning and growing as a submissive. I've done some more reading and realize finding the perfect or close to Dominate may take a while so my decision not to rush is a good one.
I realize B never had my best interest at heart. He probably didn't even love me, those were just words to entrap me knowing its what I craved so bad. He never intended to do a scene with me or try anything I desired. He held that against me but if he refused to meet my needs then I would have to find someone that could. This as exactly what I did. I walked away from him the second time cuz he wasn't there for me, guiding me or willing to know my needs. He didn't trust, respect, communicate and wasn't honest. We lacked 6 of 6 values to a D/s relationship. I allowed talks with him just to prove to myself that it was truly over and it didn't take long for that to come about. I don't like how things went down but if he wants to blame me that is fine. I know I did what I could but I don't have to take his abuse which is what it was. I have found a good Dominate to guide me. The relationship is open and honest. There is communication and respect. Plus he is willing to explore the activities that I want to experience. This allows me to find the activities I like and I'm sure he will push my limits which hasn't been done.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Men
I currently have several dominate men that want to be apart of my life in some fashion. I want to talk about each of them for a minute. They each have their own great qualities.
B is the first Dominate that I ever had any involvement with. I have actually fallen in love with him. However, he has not treated me as a Dominate should. He states he wants the best for me but is so uninvolved with my life. I do have to give him credit, he has helped in me releasing alot of anger that I once had. My previous ex had created so much drama between myself and his other women that I was just angry all the time. I don't have that anger any longer and have been able to move on to focus on B. But he seems not to want or need my service. I gave him my submission and he didn't want it. I did what he requested and tried to make sure he was comfortable in all aspects but he still turned other women. He doesn't communicate with me and wants to blame me for our failing relationship. He doesn't see my true self or capabilities. He also judges me on what he is told by women that don't know me versus what I say and my actions.
Then there is Ray who wishes to be more involved but I don't feel its possible. When I originally met him, I wasn't aware of his dominate side. We communicated a few times and had one sexual encounter. My concern is his "best friend", a female who is involved with my ex. I'm no longer involved and don't want to be around the drama. If we would become involved on a deeper level, he maybe forced to choose between us and that wouldn't be fair to him. I wouldn't want to put him in that situation.
Glenn I met online in October of 2009. We started chatting and texting. He is a Dominate also and loves to participate in BDSM activities. He has helped me learn and has himself been patient with me. When I get an attitude, he attempts to talk to me but will leave me alone to calm down. My frustration with him is he only wants an online relationship. I would think that would be hard at least for me. I need the touch of the person, I need to explore some activities. He told me the other day that he trust me cause I haven't hid things from him. I have even confided in him. He just has alot going on. He works 2 jobs and is facing some medical issues. He lives a poly lifestyle. He once told me he had 2 subs and 2 slaves but none live with him.
Aaaawwww...MK. I like the interaction I have with him. He ask me things and listens to what I have to say. He is also willing to help me explore things that I have been interested in. He put me in ropes and I believe I liked it. Next we are going to play with candles and ropes some more. I've told him I didn't see a future with us and he didn't get anger. He is still willing to help mentor me and explore the activities that I have had fantasies about. He is extremely understanding. I haven't seen the dominate side but I'm sure I will at some point. He lives a poly relationship and I have actually gained a new level of acceptance. I have interaction with his primary who is very caring and accepting.
I want a long term 24/7 D/s relationship. I want to be collared and owned. I just don't know if any of these men are it. I'm going to take my time and continue learning. I want to find the right man for me. The perfect fit. Only the future will tell.
B is the first Dominate that I ever had any involvement with. I have actually fallen in love with him. However, he has not treated me as a Dominate should. He states he wants the best for me but is so uninvolved with my life. I do have to give him credit, he has helped in me releasing alot of anger that I once had. My previous ex had created so much drama between myself and his other women that I was just angry all the time. I don't have that anger any longer and have been able to move on to focus on B. But he seems not to want or need my service. I gave him my submission and he didn't want it. I did what he requested and tried to make sure he was comfortable in all aspects but he still turned other women. He doesn't communicate with me and wants to blame me for our failing relationship. He doesn't see my true self or capabilities. He also judges me on what he is told by women that don't know me versus what I say and my actions.
Then there is Ray who wishes to be more involved but I don't feel its possible. When I originally met him, I wasn't aware of his dominate side. We communicated a few times and had one sexual encounter. My concern is his "best friend", a female who is involved with my ex. I'm no longer involved and don't want to be around the drama. If we would become involved on a deeper level, he maybe forced to choose between us and that wouldn't be fair to him. I wouldn't want to put him in that situation.
Glenn I met online in October of 2009. We started chatting and texting. He is a Dominate also and loves to participate in BDSM activities. He has helped me learn and has himself been patient with me. When I get an attitude, he attempts to talk to me but will leave me alone to calm down. My frustration with him is he only wants an online relationship. I would think that would be hard at least for me. I need the touch of the person, I need to explore some activities. He told me the other day that he trust me cause I haven't hid things from him. I have even confided in him. He just has alot going on. He works 2 jobs and is facing some medical issues. He lives a poly lifestyle. He once told me he had 2 subs and 2 slaves but none live with him.
Aaaawwww...MK. I like the interaction I have with him. He ask me things and listens to what I have to say. He is also willing to help me explore things that I have been interested in. He put me in ropes and I believe I liked it. Next we are going to play with candles and ropes some more. I've told him I didn't see a future with us and he didn't get anger. He is still willing to help mentor me and explore the activities that I have had fantasies about. He is extremely understanding. I haven't seen the dominate side but I'm sure I will at some point. He lives a poly relationship and I have actually gained a new level of acceptance. I have interaction with his primary who is very caring and accepting.
I want a long term 24/7 D/s relationship. I want to be collared and owned. I just don't know if any of these men are it. I'm going to take my time and continue learning. I want to find the right man for me. The perfect fit. Only the future will tell.
What to do
Ok...I thought B was gone but he has returned. This whole relationship seems to be over shadowing my ability to explore my full submissiveness. I know it sounds confusing cause it actually is to me also. The back and forth is beginning to wear on me. I was so firm with my submissiveness but now I'm having doubts.
Friday when I woke up, I had a text from B apologizing for the harsh words he had texted. I wasn't going to respond but I just couldn't stop myself. After about 3 hours of thinking about the text, I did write a return. My initial thoughts were negative and wouldn't have done anything for the situation. They would have just been said out of anger and not really meant. That is what he is doing and I didn't want to go to that level. So over the next hours, we texted back and forth. His last was unclear and I told him that was one of the problems. He then ask if we were going to put our heads together and come up with something for both of us or just leave it. I don't think he knows what he wants and told him when he did he was to contact me.
The fact is we both do truely love each other. That is why he continues to return after a period of time. We break up and he can't stop thinking about me. I know he dreams also cause I use too. However, he doesn't realize that I'm just done. I will try this last time but if changes aren't made. I will walk away forever.
I want a relationship that is peaceful. I don't want to argue and fight. I want my feelings to be recognized and some results. I don't require alot of attention but I do want some. I want to feel like I'm more than just booty cause recently its only felt that way.
There just needs to be some resolution.
Friday when I woke up, I had a text from B apologizing for the harsh words he had texted. I wasn't going to respond but I just couldn't stop myself. After about 3 hours of thinking about the text, I did write a return. My initial thoughts were negative and wouldn't have done anything for the situation. They would have just been said out of anger and not really meant. That is what he is doing and I didn't want to go to that level. So over the next hours, we texted back and forth. His last was unclear and I told him that was one of the problems. He then ask if we were going to put our heads together and come up with something for both of us or just leave it. I don't think he knows what he wants and told him when he did he was to contact me.
The fact is we both do truely love each other. That is why he continues to return after a period of time. We break up and he can't stop thinking about me. I know he dreams also cause I use too. However, he doesn't realize that I'm just done. I will try this last time but if changes aren't made. I will walk away forever.
I want a relationship that is peaceful. I don't want to argue and fight. I want my feelings to be recognized and some results. I don't require alot of attention but I do want some. I want to feel like I'm more than just booty cause recently its only felt that way.
There just needs to be some resolution.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Seeking
Ok, now that I'm truely free and know no one will be coming back to interrupt my life I can get down to some serious learning.
I subscribe to the www.submissiveguide.com which has provided me with a wealth of information about many aspects of the lifestyle. The last one described some red flags of a potential predator Dom. Within the newsletter it provided question that a sub could ask of a potential Dom. If the Dom was unable to answer, the sub seriously consider not aligning with this person or be cautious.
Other articles have been about types of submission and relationships, role playing and understanding your body. And of course, 7 ways to improve your submission. All have provided valuable information which has helped to understand me a little more each day.
With all this information, I now have to some how apply it. I have 2 Doms that I'm currently talking to. One is local and the other is long distance. My LDR has seen my extremely bratty side. I've gotten upset and told him to delete me and then actually did it for him. We have went without talkin for months at a time. He also offered me a verbal contract which I declined. We have developed a level of trust between us and he believes that I have been truthful with him. These are all things my previous relationship lacked. I have ask several times to talk to him on the phone more and to visit but neither are happening.
Now local hasn't seen my bratty side but wants to get to know me. We text everyday, occassionally IM and talk on the phone. I've went and spent time with him and love talking to him. He has read my checklist and my blogs. He is also willing to help me explore and was the one to tie me up. We have other activities planned but we just have been able to get our schedules together.
I subscribe to the www.submissiveguide.com which has provided me with a wealth of information about many aspects of the lifestyle. The last one described some red flags of a potential predator Dom. Within the newsletter it provided question that a sub could ask of a potential Dom. If the Dom was unable to answer, the sub seriously consider not aligning with this person or be cautious.
Other articles have been about types of submission and relationships, role playing and understanding your body. And of course, 7 ways to improve your submission. All have provided valuable information which has helped to understand me a little more each day.
With all this information, I now have to some how apply it. I have 2 Doms that I'm currently talking to. One is local and the other is long distance. My LDR has seen my extremely bratty side. I've gotten upset and told him to delete me and then actually did it for him. We have went without talkin for months at a time. He also offered me a verbal contract which I declined. We have developed a level of trust between us and he believes that I have been truthful with him. These are all things my previous relationship lacked. I have ask several times to talk to him on the phone more and to visit but neither are happening.
Now local hasn't seen my bratty side but wants to get to know me. We text everyday, occassionally IM and talk on the phone. I've went and spent time with him and love talking to him. He has read my checklist and my blogs. He is also willing to help me explore and was the one to tie me up. We have other activities planned but we just have been able to get our schedules together.
Relief
Finally my ordeal with B is over. This is the txt I received "From this day forward I want. You to hate me think of me as dead and burning in hell and promise you I shall do the same". This from a man who professed to loving me from the first moment he saw me. This because he was caught up in his own lies and wouldn't take responsibility for not being the man he stated or Dom/Master he stated.
During our relationship, he left me for other women twice. The first time within the first 30 days. He called me and stated he had sent for his ex and she was arriving the next day. He also told me that he was marrying her. This should have been my first red flag and I should have just walked away. Of course me being me, I exploded. A couple of hours later, he talks to me in a very authorize manner. He wants me to be the other woman. I accept this because I was blinded by emotion, stupidity.
During the next few months, he ask questions or makes statements that indicate he has been talking to women that had been previously involved with my ex. He ask if I was putting money on his books. He calls me a liar more often than should and accuses me of cheating. In the end, he judged me on what they said and not my actions.
He told me when he was in a committed relationship, he didn't cheat. However, he knew I was upset about my ex's being on one of his pages and that he was increasing the number of women on that page. I took myself off so there wouldn't be drama, I just didn't need it. One woman thanked him for a previous night. He told me it was for talking to her and again I was stupid enough to believe him. Then after we broke up a woman contacted me, I again exploded. I should have believed him when he stated "I'm not the man for you". He truely wasn't.
His first conflicting statement was "I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I s hut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own". A couple of weeks later he stated the following "you refused to give me what i wanted when i offered you the contract...I found someone that did after you drug you feet on the offer...so now i am commited to that if its a problem its your own fault". He always tried to blame me. His last arguement today was he didn't have the time I needed. However, he did admit he never ask about my needs. He also sent me an apology for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him.
He states he is a man of responsibility but that is only when it benefits him. He wants a woman that will bow to him without question. He entered a contract with a slave, spent some time with her and another. Then within a few days sought me out for sexual satisfaction. He did it again after his last visit with her only this time I wasn't available.
I made no demands of him or his time. I ask him for nothing. When he was close, I would go to him and care for him as best as I knew how. My body was available to him to do as he pleased. This is what I got in return: I ask him for sex once and he refused. I wanted phones calls when he had stopped for no apparent reason. I wanted to explore the BDSM lifestyle and he refused. I ask him why and couldn't answer. I attempted to improve communication, he refused. He refused to read my checklist, wants and needs list or read my blog. So I decided to walk away. He then decides to contact me when his slave is unable to satisify him professing to love and miss me.
All this games, I ask why. He just needed to be honest. If he didn't want me, let me go. He also stated to me he didn't take seconds but I don't think any of the women he fucks with are virgins. But with me he was talking about my decision to play with another Dom when I was under the impression that we had broken up. He kept telling me "you have a man". That is a very vanilla thought for a Dom of 20 years.
Now I am dead and should be able to finally move on with my life. Yes, I love him but he was right. He isn't the man for me.
During our relationship, he left me for other women twice. The first time within the first 30 days. He called me and stated he had sent for his ex and she was arriving the next day. He also told me that he was marrying her. This should have been my first red flag and I should have just walked away. Of course me being me, I exploded. A couple of hours later, he talks to me in a very authorize manner. He wants me to be the other woman. I accept this because I was blinded by emotion, stupidity.
During the next few months, he ask questions or makes statements that indicate he has been talking to women that had been previously involved with my ex. He ask if I was putting money on his books. He calls me a liar more often than should and accuses me of cheating. In the end, he judged me on what they said and not my actions.
He told me when he was in a committed relationship, he didn't cheat. However, he knew I was upset about my ex's being on one of his pages and that he was increasing the number of women on that page. I took myself off so there wouldn't be drama, I just didn't need it. One woman thanked him for a previous night. He told me it was for talking to her and again I was stupid enough to believe him. Then after we broke up a woman contacted me, I again exploded. I should have believed him when he stated "I'm not the man for you". He truely wasn't.
His first conflicting statement was "I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I s hut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own". A couple of weeks later he stated the following "you refused to give me what i wanted when i offered you the contract...I found someone that did after you drug you feet on the offer...so now i am commited to that if its a problem its your own fault". He always tried to blame me. His last arguement today was he didn't have the time I needed. However, he did admit he never ask about my needs. He also sent me an apology for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him.
He states he is a man of responsibility but that is only when it benefits him. He wants a woman that will bow to him without question. He entered a contract with a slave, spent some time with her and another. Then within a few days sought me out for sexual satisfaction. He did it again after his last visit with her only this time I wasn't available.
I made no demands of him or his time. I ask him for nothing. When he was close, I would go to him and care for him as best as I knew how. My body was available to him to do as he pleased. This is what I got in return: I ask him for sex once and he refused. I wanted phones calls when he had stopped for no apparent reason. I wanted to explore the BDSM lifestyle and he refused. I ask him why and couldn't answer. I attempted to improve communication, he refused. He refused to read my checklist, wants and needs list or read my blog. So I decided to walk away. He then decides to contact me when his slave is unable to satisify him professing to love and miss me.
All this games, I ask why. He just needed to be honest. If he didn't want me, let me go. He also stated to me he didn't take seconds but I don't think any of the women he fucks with are virgins. But with me he was talking about my decision to play with another Dom when I was under the impression that we had broken up. He kept telling me "you have a man". That is a very vanilla thought for a Dom of 20 years.
Now I am dead and should be able to finally move on with my life. Yes, I love him but he was right. He isn't the man for me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Answers
Well today was very productive...I got off work 2 1/2 hours early and actually accomplised all i needed by 1 pm. I went to Waffle House to satisify my hunger, Wal-Mart to pick up things for my possible trip, checked my account balance (I was good), picked up granddaughter for appointment and then took her to school, continued my chemical dependence on hair color and got my oil changed. I was going to have time to go to Pittsburgh. I rushed home to IM the couple. After about 35 minutes, I decided to text. It wasn't good for them...working right through all my worries. I have been chatting with MK. We originally agreed to meet on Wednesday for a few hours but now have moved it to tomorrow morning. I get to do rope again and take some pics. All in all...very good day.
Ok...now about B. He is not going to get what he wants. I'm not going to commit to him again for him to continue the behaviors that have hurt me deeply. This may end us totally but it is his choice as it has always been. He is the one who made the choice to leave me for someone else not once but twice. He is the one that let his anger take control and ignore me for months. He is the one who refused to acknowledge me and treat me as his prize possession. I gave him my heart, body, soul and submissiion for him to do as he saw fit. He chose to ignore it all and seek others. I don't believe he will change and that will again leave me alone to find my own guidance in this new lifestyle and to care for me if I would automatically return to him. I was nothing more than booty and thats the way it will continue. It hurts me to do this but I have to think of myself since he won't.
I long to find a man to serve but will no longer be forced into quick decisions which leave me alone and unsatisified. I'm going to continue to learn and experienting. I feel I'm coming into myself which will help me to be truely happy in the future.
Ok...now about B. He is not going to get what he wants. I'm not going to commit to him again for him to continue the behaviors that have hurt me deeply. This may end us totally but it is his choice as it has always been. He is the one who made the choice to leave me for someone else not once but twice. He is the one that let his anger take control and ignore me for months. He is the one who refused to acknowledge me and treat me as his prize possession. I gave him my heart, body, soul and submissiion for him to do as he saw fit. He chose to ignore it all and seek others. I don't believe he will change and that will again leave me alone to find my own guidance in this new lifestyle and to care for me if I would automatically return to him. I was nothing more than booty and thats the way it will continue. It hurts me to do this but I have to think of myself since he won't.
I long to find a man to serve but will no longer be forced into quick decisions which leave me alone and unsatisified. I'm going to continue to learn and experienting. I feel I'm coming into myself which will help me to be truely happy in the future.
Questions
My mind has been racing with questions for days. I don't see any answers at this time and I'm trying not to make any decisions. I'm trying to gather informations so that I can make better decisions. In the past, I have been impulsive and inpatient which has lead to failures and unhappiness.
Some of the questions I have are: Can I fit going to Pittsburgh into my schedule on Monday? Can I afford to go? Am I rushing into another meeting? What's going on with B? What did he really think about what I had to tell him? Will he make in changes? Do we have a future or should I just write it off and move on? Can I find time to play this week with MK?
I want a simple life and everything seems so complicated. At times I feel pressured to make a choice but I have decided I'm going to wait. I'm going to continue to learn and grow into my submissive nature. I want the right fit.
I ask B for feedback on our conversation. He apologized for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him. Now the question is will this acknowledgement convert to change? What does the future hold? Sitting on a beach would make the thinking easier...lol. I thought I would throw that in, needed some humor.
Some of the questions I have are: Can I fit going to Pittsburgh into my schedule on Monday? Can I afford to go? Am I rushing into another meeting? What's going on with B? What did he really think about what I had to tell him? Will he make in changes? Do we have a future or should I just write it off and move on? Can I find time to play this week with MK?
I want a simple life and everything seems so complicated. At times I feel pressured to make a choice but I have decided I'm going to wait. I'm going to continue to learn and grow into my submissive nature. I want the right fit.
I ask B for feedback on our conversation. He apologized for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him. Now the question is will this acknowledgement convert to change? What does the future hold? Sitting on a beach would make the thinking easier...lol. I thought I would throw that in, needed some humor.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Confusion
I'm so confused. My head and heart are in major conflict. My heart usually wins but it leads me to be unhappy and then my head steps in. I know most will be saying "What" but that is how I tend to do things.
Several weeks ago I thought everything was pretty clear. I thought my relationship was over. I determined I was moving on and exploring what I thought was fascinating and exciting lifestyle. I also feel it might be an area that helps to relieve some of the massive stress that occurrs within my life. But then ex makes contact with me.
He texted me and was a lil unsure if he had the right number. He wanted to get with me to "fuck". On that day, the playground was closed for monthly maintence and he doesn't fuck while the playground is closed, what he desired wasn't an option. Plus I had a flat tire to fix and grandchildren to watch. Later I considered he wanted to see me, not for any reason. And from our text conversation, I thought he wanted a sexual relationship with me since we hadn't worked on any other level. Maybe I should start from the beginning.
Ok I chatted with B from the internet several times and we exchanged texts. He had attempted to hook up me several months before we did. He still says to this day I blew him off. I told him I had to do something but it didn't take as long as I lead it would. I then did something else and went home to lick my wounds, again my heart. Anyways, he decided to call me again when he came through town and this time we got together.
I had finally been able to split from an abusive boyfriend. I had decided at that time that I was moving on and was going to start dating which is something that I had never done. I had met several guys that I had been putting off and then he called.
I remember that day. I had caught a bug of some type and been throwing up most of the night. When he called I told him I was sick. I still felt a lil nauseas, weak and had a slight headache. He told me he was getting a room and to hurry up. I hadn't had a shower and so I took everything to take one in the room. He was polite and quite. I thought the whole time I was in the shower that he would come in but he didn't. He later told me that he had wanted to come in and join me but chose to leave me alone. I was nervous and rambling. He had me lay on the bed with him and then he ask if I was going to get undressed. I think everyone knows where it went from here.
We spent the afternoon getting to know each other on several levels. We got some dinner, watched TV and enjoyed some physical activities that created great satification, at least for me. I sensed something was different about him but couldn't really say what. He stated he had to leave cause of work which I understood. He stated he didn't want to leave and stood just looking at me. He then went back to work.
He called me shortly after leaving and we talked for hours. I told him about a swing club I planned to attend. We talked alot for the next several days. However, the next months would have some good times with a lot of drama mixed in.
There are a few bitchs in my area that were upset with the circumstances around my ex. He was a major slut puppy and he lied to them. When I attempted to tell them the truth, they would go to him and he would cover with more lies. Several of these women made contact with B and told him things that weren't true. He didn't tell me that they were contacting him but I could tell because of questions and statements. So instead of getting to know me, he just assumed what he was told was true which caused him not to trust me. He also thought I was doing what they had told him. He accused me of cheating several times. He thought I lied to him. When I attempted to correct the information, he wouldn't look at my actions or listen to my statements. He thought the worse.
Through our phone conversations, I learned he was a dom. I had a secret curiousity about the lifestyle and so my interest was peaked. He stated he didn't want me to enter the lifestyle cause of him but he wanted me to to determine it was something I wanted. So I started my research. I felt the research was in conflict. The words wrote and the pics displayed told different stories. I became frustrated.
We both fell in love quickly. He made plans to see me at least monthly. But we continued with the rollercoaster relationship. When we were together, it was good. When we were separate, things happened. So in September, we broke up. We were talking on the phone and he stated it wasn't fair that I could play with women but he couldn't. This was something that he set in motion.
Things would happen and I would re-act by calling or texting him. In November, we met again face to face. We talked a couple of times and I thought we would started to develop another relationship. But then I didn't hear from him. Talked a couple of times in December but I had felt he was no longer interested so I needed to move on. However, I get a text in January requesting to met him again. Again, I thought it would just be sexual. He always stated I couldn't be just a booty call to him.
During my time with him in January, he surprised me. He told me he entered into a contract with a slave. It surprised me, actually stunted me. I thought about it and about a week later told him I couldn't do it. It felt like I was the other woman all over again. I was good enough to fuck but not to do anything else with. We talked and decided to continue seeing each other. Then I learned he acknowledged a contractual slave relationship on facebook, a vanilla social networking. I expressed my opinion. I didn't demand it be changed. I told him how it looked like they were bf/gf. I ask where I stood in his life. He told me to focus on us and not his slave.
Through out the next several months, he made comments that were upsetting. He told me I "drug me feet" when talking about a contract he presented, that I "wouldn't do the things he liked so he found someone that would". He also mentioned visiting a restauant that I spoke about taking him too. Another comment was something about all the women in Ohio being Bipolar. At this same time, I was only talking to him 5 minutes a day. Otherwise, my calls would go unanswered with no response. He would also tell me he would call me back and no call would be returned. He defined me as being owned property. He told me he wanted to be my rock and guide me. But cause of the 5 minute phone calls, I couldn't discuss anything. I finally had had enough. I texted "Tired of being ignored give my 5 minutes to another and lets call it a day". We broke up again. He told me to delete him which I did.
During the next month, a couple of odd things happened. But I didn't react as I had in the past. I figured it was truely over. He hadn't attempted to contact me. I wasn't going to get upset about anything. He had his slave and I didn't think he really wanted me.
I felt ignored and unwanted. I didn't think requesting phone calls to help communication was inappropriate. I had even started a online journal to help with communication which he has never read. He was persuing other women. I just wasn't an interest. I even felt he only persued me cause others wanted him too.
During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is not defined by society but the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?
I don't know where this is going. I don't know what to do. I had felt he was my destiny, we were meant to be together. But I can't get over the thought that he will leave. He will continue to ignore me and over look my feelings. Also we never had a discussion about our relationship and he never provided any rules when I ask on 3 separate occassions. He stated I was confused as to what I was. I informed him I knew what I was, I'm a submissive. I told him he only offered for me to be a slave which is a jump I can't make at this time.
Time will tell. I still have more thinking to do.
Several weeks ago I thought everything was pretty clear. I thought my relationship was over. I determined I was moving on and exploring what I thought was fascinating and exciting lifestyle. I also feel it might be an area that helps to relieve some of the massive stress that occurrs within my life. But then ex makes contact with me.
He texted me and was a lil unsure if he had the right number. He wanted to get with me to "fuck". On that day, the playground was closed for monthly maintence and he doesn't fuck while the playground is closed, what he desired wasn't an option. Plus I had a flat tire to fix and grandchildren to watch. Later I considered he wanted to see me, not for any reason. And from our text conversation, I thought he wanted a sexual relationship with me since we hadn't worked on any other level. Maybe I should start from the beginning.
Ok I chatted with B from the internet several times and we exchanged texts. He had attempted to hook up me several months before we did. He still says to this day I blew him off. I told him I had to do something but it didn't take as long as I lead it would. I then did something else and went home to lick my wounds, again my heart. Anyways, he decided to call me again when he came through town and this time we got together.
I had finally been able to split from an abusive boyfriend. I had decided at that time that I was moving on and was going to start dating which is something that I had never done. I had met several guys that I had been putting off and then he called.
I remember that day. I had caught a bug of some type and been throwing up most of the night. When he called I told him I was sick. I still felt a lil nauseas, weak and had a slight headache. He told me he was getting a room and to hurry up. I hadn't had a shower and so I took everything to take one in the room. He was polite and quite. I thought the whole time I was in the shower that he would come in but he didn't. He later told me that he had wanted to come in and join me but chose to leave me alone. I was nervous and rambling. He had me lay on the bed with him and then he ask if I was going to get undressed. I think everyone knows where it went from here.
We spent the afternoon getting to know each other on several levels. We got some dinner, watched TV and enjoyed some physical activities that created great satification, at least for me. I sensed something was different about him but couldn't really say what. He stated he had to leave cause of work which I understood. He stated he didn't want to leave and stood just looking at me. He then went back to work.
He called me shortly after leaving and we talked for hours. I told him about a swing club I planned to attend. We talked alot for the next several days. However, the next months would have some good times with a lot of drama mixed in.
There are a few bitchs in my area that were upset with the circumstances around my ex. He was a major slut puppy and he lied to them. When I attempted to tell them the truth, they would go to him and he would cover with more lies. Several of these women made contact with B and told him things that weren't true. He didn't tell me that they were contacting him but I could tell because of questions and statements. So instead of getting to know me, he just assumed what he was told was true which caused him not to trust me. He also thought I was doing what they had told him. He accused me of cheating several times. He thought I lied to him. When I attempted to correct the information, he wouldn't look at my actions or listen to my statements. He thought the worse.
Through our phone conversations, I learned he was a dom. I had a secret curiousity about the lifestyle and so my interest was peaked. He stated he didn't want me to enter the lifestyle cause of him but he wanted me to to determine it was something I wanted. So I started my research. I felt the research was in conflict. The words wrote and the pics displayed told different stories. I became frustrated.
We both fell in love quickly. He made plans to see me at least monthly. But we continued with the rollercoaster relationship. When we were together, it was good. When we were separate, things happened. So in September, we broke up. We were talking on the phone and he stated it wasn't fair that I could play with women but he couldn't. This was something that he set in motion.
Things would happen and I would re-act by calling or texting him. In November, we met again face to face. We talked a couple of times and I thought we would started to develop another relationship. But then I didn't hear from him. Talked a couple of times in December but I had felt he was no longer interested so I needed to move on. However, I get a text in January requesting to met him again. Again, I thought it would just be sexual. He always stated I couldn't be just a booty call to him.
During my time with him in January, he surprised me. He told me he entered into a contract with a slave. It surprised me, actually stunted me. I thought about it and about a week later told him I couldn't do it. It felt like I was the other woman all over again. I was good enough to fuck but not to do anything else with. We talked and decided to continue seeing each other. Then I learned he acknowledged a contractual slave relationship on facebook, a vanilla social networking. I expressed my opinion. I didn't demand it be changed. I told him how it looked like they were bf/gf. I ask where I stood in his life. He told me to focus on us and not his slave.
Through out the next several months, he made comments that were upsetting. He told me I "drug me feet" when talking about a contract he presented, that I "wouldn't do the things he liked so he found someone that would". He also mentioned visiting a restauant that I spoke about taking him too. Another comment was something about all the women in Ohio being Bipolar. At this same time, I was only talking to him 5 minutes a day. Otherwise, my calls would go unanswered with no response. He would also tell me he would call me back and no call would be returned. He defined me as being owned property. He told me he wanted to be my rock and guide me. But cause of the 5 minute phone calls, I couldn't discuss anything. I finally had had enough. I texted "Tired of being ignored give my 5 minutes to another and lets call it a day". We broke up again. He told me to delete him which I did.
During the next month, a couple of odd things happened. But I didn't react as I had in the past. I figured it was truely over. He hadn't attempted to contact me. I wasn't going to get upset about anything. He had his slave and I didn't think he really wanted me.
I felt ignored and unwanted. I didn't think requesting phone calls to help communication was inappropriate. I had even started a online journal to help with communication which he has never read. He was persuing other women. I just wasn't an interest. I even felt he only persued me cause others wanted him too.
During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is not defined by society but the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?
I don't know where this is going. I don't know what to do. I had felt he was my destiny, we were meant to be together. But I can't get over the thought that he will leave. He will continue to ignore me and over look my feelings. Also we never had a discussion about our relationship and he never provided any rules when I ask on 3 separate occassions. He stated I was confused as to what I was. I informed him I knew what I was, I'm a submissive. I told him he only offered for me to be a slave which is a jump I can't make at this time.
Time will tell. I still have more thinking to do.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Me
I thought this might be a good time to talk a little about myself. I dont do this often but this might be the right time.
I'm a female that takes responsibility and duty very seriously. When I had my children, I put them before everything. I did whatever was necessary for there needs to be met. My children are grown and having families of their own so now its time to find me. Over the last several years, I have taken the courage to explore a lifestyle that was exciting and fascinating.
When I discover something new, I don't mind sharing. The things I like aren't mainstream so I encourage others to learn so that there is maybe a little more acceptance in the world. I'm also not one to hide what I feel I am from my children. My 2 youngest don't want to hear about anything but my oldest listens and then shares her experiences with me. When I told her I was in the swing lifestyle, she said "Its about time".
I have always been very open minded. I love to learn about new things. However, at times, I have a hard time understanding because I can't see the reason or rational. When I find information, I continue to search until I can accept or at least come to an understanding.
I'm a visual creature by nature so its easier for me to learn from seeing or by hands on experience. I fear the unknown and at times will over think a topic which only creates greater fear. However, once I'm able to see or do, I can decide if I like or not.
Some will find this hard to believe but I'm a wallflower. My most recent example is I went to a munch several months ago and wasn't noticed. I had a good conversation with a dominate from Cleveland but the majority of the group didn't notice me. Then I started making friends on fetlife. I attended another munch where I was recognized by one of my new friends. She introduced me around and encouraged me to sit with others and not alone. She even offered for me to sit at her table. I did sit with others and had a great time. When I attended the next munch, I was again remembered. The response has improved with each addition munch that I have attended.
When I first met new people, I'm shy and withdrawn which isn't my true personality. I usually feel out of place because I don't have alot of knowledge about the people involved. But once I become known, my personality does come out. At times I can be humorous but also intelligient. I'm easy going, easy to talk to and show an interest in getting to know people. I dont judge eventhough I have been accused of judging. I accept people at face value until proven differently. I'm blunt and not afraid to ask questions. I'm strong-willed and even stubborn at times. But I'm also loyal and dependable.
I see my word as the only thing that no one can take from me...so when I say I will do something, I do it. I actually apply this to relationships also. When I commit to someone, I believe in that individual and will comply with what I believe their expectations are. If I don't believe I can be successful, I wont commit. This is where I currently am in my life. I want to belong to someone. I have a desire to serve but past relationships have shaken my trust in others. So I have decided to take a step back and commit to myself. That way the next time I enter a relationship, I hope to truely be successful.
The one thing I didn't mention is my sexual side. I love sex but I lack experience. I'm still learning about my sexuality and my body. I do have a high sex drive. I don't demand cause I'm only left wanting. But if I could have it my way, I would wake up to sex, have some in the afternoon and a session before going to sleep. I'm willing to try just about anything...key words are just about. However, I find that even though I'm told its good and many request to return, I really don't have there interest. I don't know whether this is cause I do want it alot or they just can't be contained by one woman. Of course my desire it to blame if you would ask my partners. The real funny thing is I don't ask or demand.
I guess I should discuss the "ask or demand" thing. I follow this in all aspects of my life. When I do ask or demand, I'm told "NO". So I have learned not to ask or make request. If I have a problem, I find a solution. I think this will create a problem in my desired D/s lifestyle. I have to learn to ask and share my needs, allow someone else to help me solve things. This will probably be a big area of trouble.
I'm a female that takes responsibility and duty very seriously. When I had my children, I put them before everything. I did whatever was necessary for there needs to be met. My children are grown and having families of their own so now its time to find me. Over the last several years, I have taken the courage to explore a lifestyle that was exciting and fascinating.
When I discover something new, I don't mind sharing. The things I like aren't mainstream so I encourage others to learn so that there is maybe a little more acceptance in the world. I'm also not one to hide what I feel I am from my children. My 2 youngest don't want to hear about anything but my oldest listens and then shares her experiences with me. When I told her I was in the swing lifestyle, she said "Its about time".
I have always been very open minded. I love to learn about new things. However, at times, I have a hard time understanding because I can't see the reason or rational. When I find information, I continue to search until I can accept or at least come to an understanding.
I'm a visual creature by nature so its easier for me to learn from seeing or by hands on experience. I fear the unknown and at times will over think a topic which only creates greater fear. However, once I'm able to see or do, I can decide if I like or not.
Some will find this hard to believe but I'm a wallflower. My most recent example is I went to a munch several months ago and wasn't noticed. I had a good conversation with a dominate from Cleveland but the majority of the group didn't notice me. Then I started making friends on fetlife. I attended another munch where I was recognized by one of my new friends. She introduced me around and encouraged me to sit with others and not alone. She even offered for me to sit at her table. I did sit with others and had a great time. When I attended the next munch, I was again remembered. The response has improved with each addition munch that I have attended.
When I first met new people, I'm shy and withdrawn which isn't my true personality. I usually feel out of place because I don't have alot of knowledge about the people involved. But once I become known, my personality does come out. At times I can be humorous but also intelligient. I'm easy going, easy to talk to and show an interest in getting to know people. I dont judge eventhough I have been accused of judging. I accept people at face value until proven differently. I'm blunt and not afraid to ask questions. I'm strong-willed and even stubborn at times. But I'm also loyal and dependable.
I see my word as the only thing that no one can take from me...so when I say I will do something, I do it. I actually apply this to relationships also. When I commit to someone, I believe in that individual and will comply with what I believe their expectations are. If I don't believe I can be successful, I wont commit. This is where I currently am in my life. I want to belong to someone. I have a desire to serve but past relationships have shaken my trust in others. So I have decided to take a step back and commit to myself. That way the next time I enter a relationship, I hope to truely be successful.
The one thing I didn't mention is my sexual side. I love sex but I lack experience. I'm still learning about my sexuality and my body. I do have a high sex drive. I don't demand cause I'm only left wanting. But if I could have it my way, I would wake up to sex, have some in the afternoon and a session before going to sleep. I'm willing to try just about anything...key words are just about. However, I find that even though I'm told its good and many request to return, I really don't have there interest. I don't know whether this is cause I do want it alot or they just can't be contained by one woman. Of course my desire it to blame if you would ask my partners. The real funny thing is I don't ask or demand.
I guess I should discuss the "ask or demand" thing. I follow this in all aspects of my life. When I do ask or demand, I'm told "NO". So I have learned not to ask or make request. If I have a problem, I find a solution. I think this will create a problem in my desired D/s lifestyle. I have to learn to ask and share my needs, allow someone else to help me solve things. This will probably be a big area of trouble.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thinking
For the last several weeks, I have been giving the poly lifestyle some serious thought. From appearances, its a lifestyle that I would like to explore. The honesty of both primary partners is refreshing.
What got me thinking about this lifestyle is a Sir contacted me and wanted my views on the lifestyle. He explained that he was looking for slaves to complete his household. He told me to speak with his slave and she could answer questions for me. I did contact her and enjoyed the interaction. We chatted about everything. She even encouraged me to leave the person I was seeing. She told me everything I already knew...he was a player and wasn't being honest. She also stated he probably had a wife in his home state which would explain why he wouldn't let me visit his home. I degress.
I had talked to Sir and then took some time to consider what I wanted and if I could meet his expectations. He stated clearly he was looking for a slave, not a sub or long distance relationship. I began to struggle with the thought of being someone's slave.
In previous blogs I spoke briefly on sub vs slave. I only recently became aware that I was submissive. I can even remember telling my ex...I will not submit to no one...I don't kiss anyone's ass. However, I'm now aware that I have always been submissive but the men in my life haven't appreciated the gift that I have given them. I have often been taken advantage of. Now, I'm aware and know that its my to give.
My struggle was actually with how slave is defined. I didn't like the thought of not having any rights. As a submissive, I still had control of my life. I submitted while in the presence of the dominate that I belonged but I still had a voice in my life. As a slave, I saw I had no voice and once I committed I would be obligated to follow through with what I committed too. I just couldn't loose all my rights. I guess my past of neglect and abuse kept coming to my mind. I didn't trust anyone to take care of me. I didn't trust that anyone would be concerned with what was going on with me. I just wanted to know that I was going to get back what I give which hadn't happened to this point.
I have even ask myself if I could be a slave and I think I could if the right person came along and treated me right. I have my doubts that it will truely happen. I think I would also need to be in love with the person and living in the same household.
Some statements that have really caused me to think of late and actually empower me are subs/slaves should be the Dominates/Masters prize possession and submission is the greatest gift to give. Submission is also my gift to give, no one can take it.
Ok...I really degressed. Another concern of mine with living in a poly household is submitting to a female. I'm dominate in a sense and don't think I could submit to a primary female. I would choose to submit to the male but I just don't know about anyone else in the household. I would get along and comply with the rules and expectations. I just don't see myself taking orders from another female.
I made the statement I don't want to cause problems in an existing relationship. The poly relationship is new to me and appears to be something that I would like to explore. In previous relationships I have been cheated on and I didn't like that feeling. However, in a poly relationship, all is known. This is also my vanilla thinking. I have never experienced the openness or complete honesty as I have seen. Its something to consider.
What got me thinking about this lifestyle is a Sir contacted me and wanted my views on the lifestyle. He explained that he was looking for slaves to complete his household. He told me to speak with his slave and she could answer questions for me. I did contact her and enjoyed the interaction. We chatted about everything. She even encouraged me to leave the person I was seeing. She told me everything I already knew...he was a player and wasn't being honest. She also stated he probably had a wife in his home state which would explain why he wouldn't let me visit his home. I degress.
I had talked to Sir and then took some time to consider what I wanted and if I could meet his expectations. He stated clearly he was looking for a slave, not a sub or long distance relationship. I began to struggle with the thought of being someone's slave.
In previous blogs I spoke briefly on sub vs slave. I only recently became aware that I was submissive. I can even remember telling my ex...I will not submit to no one...I don't kiss anyone's ass. However, I'm now aware that I have always been submissive but the men in my life haven't appreciated the gift that I have given them. I have often been taken advantage of. Now, I'm aware and know that its my to give.
My struggle was actually with how slave is defined. I didn't like the thought of not having any rights. As a submissive, I still had control of my life. I submitted while in the presence of the dominate that I belonged but I still had a voice in my life. As a slave, I saw I had no voice and once I committed I would be obligated to follow through with what I committed too. I just couldn't loose all my rights. I guess my past of neglect and abuse kept coming to my mind. I didn't trust anyone to take care of me. I didn't trust that anyone would be concerned with what was going on with me. I just wanted to know that I was going to get back what I give which hadn't happened to this point.
I have even ask myself if I could be a slave and I think I could if the right person came along and treated me right. I have my doubts that it will truely happen. I think I would also need to be in love with the person and living in the same household.
Some statements that have really caused me to think of late and actually empower me are subs/slaves should be the Dominates/Masters prize possession and submission is the greatest gift to give. Submission is also my gift to give, no one can take it.
Ok...I really degressed. Another concern of mine with living in a poly household is submitting to a female. I'm dominate in a sense and don't think I could submit to a primary female. I would choose to submit to the male but I just don't know about anyone else in the household. I would get along and comply with the rules and expectations. I just don't see myself taking orders from another female.
I made the statement I don't want to cause problems in an existing relationship. The poly relationship is new to me and appears to be something that I would like to explore. In previous relationships I have been cheated on and I didn't like that feeling. However, in a poly relationship, all is known. This is also my vanilla thinking. I have never experienced the openness or complete honesty as I have seen. Its something to consider.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Direction
Over the last few months, I have been confused and things didn't always seem clear. When I actually think I get an understanding, new information or options become available which cause to think and see another possible avenue.
Last year when I started researching BDSM, the information was extreme. No one was talking to me and helping me to process the information. I was dating a person that stated he didn't want to influence me but actually did. He was forcing me to accept his version of the lifestyle. Of course without any other source, I fought it cause it just seemed to extreme for me. There was a level of excitement and energy but fear of the unknown created doubt.
Then I met another dominate male online and began to chat with him. He provided me with another version of the lifestyle. He also gave me a task at one point. This actually gave me a direction for additional research. He requested I research two different schools of thought within the lifestyle. Of course, me being me, I didn't use just one site. I spent a day searching both and reading, then I wrote me essay. He gave me a lil feedback and we carried on our conversations.
The funny thing is both these individuals wanted to control me for some reason. Their reasons aren't clear but I also don't think they are pure. One wanted to own me which I somewhat accepted and the other offered a verbal contract. Neither of them wanted to see my needs or even remotely give a little to me. They just wanted me to give to them. They both saw my faults and neither of them had any follow through. Then I broke it off with both of them. They both stated they loved me but it was words only. They were the center of the their world with no chance of anyone else really entering.
I saw the BDSM community as closed and cold. I had attempted to fit in but wasn't really having any success.
Then things started clicking. I found information that made sense to me that clearly described how I was feeling, how I had actually felt for a long time. This caused me to start thinking, to have a desire to explore futher. Not only did I want to explore the sexual side but also the lifestyle. I feel something is missing from my life and maybe this would give me an idea of what it was. My past relationships had left me hating and angry with feelings of being unwanted and undesirable.
I found a social network with individuals that actually provided information, honest conversations and support. Again, I started chatting with a dominate that provided his version of the lifestyle and what he was looking for. He is apart of a Master/slave couple that live the poly lifestyle or at least their idea of that lifestyle. I have actually chatted with both individuals. I feel an attraction but I'm hesitate. He is looking for a slave to help complete his household. I accept being a submissive but not a slave. After several weeks of thinking, I decided to speak with him again. I wanted to tell him how I felt. When I did, we again chatted about his version of the lifestyle. We agreed to at least met and then go from there.
My desire to experience the lifestyle and not just read about it became stronger. I wanted to find someone that would show me the things I wanted. I went to another munch and met that individual. I sensed something but again was ignoring my own feelings. However, we began chatting. We made a date to play and I was able to experience bondage. I don't know where this is going but I like what I'm learning. He also lives a poly relationship which is different from the other I discussed. I even have plans to play again. He talks to me and ask me what I want which is different. He even ask me about playing with a friend that I introduced him too.
I finding within this lifestyle, a person can go many different directions. There is something for everyone.
Last year when I started researching BDSM, the information was extreme. No one was talking to me and helping me to process the information. I was dating a person that stated he didn't want to influence me but actually did. He was forcing me to accept his version of the lifestyle. Of course without any other source, I fought it cause it just seemed to extreme for me. There was a level of excitement and energy but fear of the unknown created doubt.
Then I met another dominate male online and began to chat with him. He provided me with another version of the lifestyle. He also gave me a task at one point. This actually gave me a direction for additional research. He requested I research two different schools of thought within the lifestyle. Of course, me being me, I didn't use just one site. I spent a day searching both and reading, then I wrote me essay. He gave me a lil feedback and we carried on our conversations.
The funny thing is both these individuals wanted to control me for some reason. Their reasons aren't clear but I also don't think they are pure. One wanted to own me which I somewhat accepted and the other offered a verbal contract. Neither of them wanted to see my needs or even remotely give a little to me. They just wanted me to give to them. They both saw my faults and neither of them had any follow through. Then I broke it off with both of them. They both stated they loved me but it was words only. They were the center of the their world with no chance of anyone else really entering.
I saw the BDSM community as closed and cold. I had attempted to fit in but wasn't really having any success.
Then things started clicking. I found information that made sense to me that clearly described how I was feeling, how I had actually felt for a long time. This caused me to start thinking, to have a desire to explore futher. Not only did I want to explore the sexual side but also the lifestyle. I feel something is missing from my life and maybe this would give me an idea of what it was. My past relationships had left me hating and angry with feelings of being unwanted and undesirable.
I found a social network with individuals that actually provided information, honest conversations and support. Again, I started chatting with a dominate that provided his version of the lifestyle and what he was looking for. He is apart of a Master/slave couple that live the poly lifestyle or at least their idea of that lifestyle. I have actually chatted with both individuals. I feel an attraction but I'm hesitate. He is looking for a slave to help complete his household. I accept being a submissive but not a slave. After several weeks of thinking, I decided to speak with him again. I wanted to tell him how I felt. When I did, we again chatted about his version of the lifestyle. We agreed to at least met and then go from there.
My desire to experience the lifestyle and not just read about it became stronger. I wanted to find someone that would show me the things I wanted. I went to another munch and met that individual. I sensed something but again was ignoring my own feelings. However, we began chatting. We made a date to play and I was able to experience bondage. I don't know where this is going but I like what I'm learning. He also lives a poly relationship which is different from the other I discussed. I even have plans to play again. He talks to me and ask me what I want which is different. He even ask me about playing with a friend that I introduced him too.
I finding within this lifestyle, a person can go many different directions. There is something for everyone.
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