Failing

The one thing that I didn't want to fail at, I have. Shelly wrote to me and stated they wanted to offer me friendship at this time. It was stated I had too much on my plate and needed to concentrate on that. What they failed to realize is that plate will always be full. It has been for 25 years and will be til the day I die. The plate they referred to was with my children and grandchildren.

When I went back down to finish helping to prepare for the wedding, I was determined to take over and be "Me". I was told no to be an Indian and allow the incompetent one to be the chief. I told them I would follow. I would do what was needed. They paid the incompetent one to do the reception. She didn't have the food ready when people started to arrive. There was no coffee. Her children were running around out of control. She began to have a break down. She left the hall prior to clean up and left the rest of us a mess.

As for me, I charmed the family, watched after the babies and tried to make a stress free environment so the couple could enjoy their night. It was noticed I was charming and everyone had good things to say but there was chaos. No one thought of what to do with the children after the reception.

There was a discussion the night before that the babies were going with his mom and the older children would return to the house. Going to the hotel was canceled, we were going to play at home so the older children wouldn't be unattended. Shelly felt that we had earned some play time. There had even been arrangements to have my car driven home by her father so I wouldn't be driving after drinking. I assumed I could drink cause a bottle had been ordered for me. Well the carrot was dangled and I ate it...so to speak, I'm an alcoholic. He stated he was upset because I had drank around his children. I never got intoxicated and I even ran an errand for them which caused me to miss most of the reception. I pushed my body physically to the point that I am still sore today.

All my willingness earned me nothing but being ask to leave. I even think he didn't want to see me the next morning and was upset when I was still present. I left to come home to relax in the pool. I really think I should have just drove home that night even with all the pain I was in.

When I got home, I text to tell them I made it home and I would like to have a conversation in a day or two...she agreed. The conversation came on Monday, not on the phone but by texting. Thats when friendship and a stable support system was offered. Because they didn't get to know me, they didn't know I already have that. I was looking for peace and order. I wanted to give up control over most of my life but the part that includes my children.

The ironic part of this, they keep a slave that is so incompetent that she can't even clean the house to any level. They even have to go over areas that she states are done. They trust her with the babies. This is a mother that allowed one of her children to be taken. If truth be told, I would bet she gave her up. I would never allow her to watch my babies. Well, at least I don't have to deal with her any more. I've been cut loose.

Just another failed relationship...no one wants "me". They want their idea of what "me" is. Obviously, no one wants my submission either. I'm told its a special gift to give but mine keeps getting thrown back in my face.

I think I'm going to leave this lifestyle alone for a while so I wont be writing much. All the men state they are different but patterns keep emerging from them all...the same patterns. So are they really different...I don't think so.