Mind is Racing

My mind is traveling from one topic to another. Its really hard to stay focused on any one thing. I keep replaying my 2 days and nights with Sir and Ma'am. Then I start thinking about a blog I read where the sub was trying to verbally relate her needs to her Sir and Ma'am. She had always been able to write her needs but not tell them face to face. Here I find myself in the same situation. How can I tell them face to face what I need? Then I think back and realize, Sir might have seen I was upset at one point and when ask I just responded "I'm good...just relaxing". At that point, I really wasn't. I think I just didn't want him to see me as weak. I see crying as weak which is why I don't do it in front of anyone.

When speaking to Ma'am on the phone the other day I told her I cried from the time I hit the freeway to Washington PA. She ask why and I really didn't have a reason. When analyzing what was going on, I was overwhelmed. Thoughts of finances which I'm choose not be be good with, the pending CT scan and results which included negative thoughts from another in the past. No one typically wish harm to another especially one that is to be loved but my ex wished me dead twice in a two week period and now I have a concern with pending diagnosis which could actually kill me.

Ok...now I jump to some of the blogs I'm reading. Most of the subs and slaves experience pain but the Doms/Masters try to create a connection between pain and pleasure. But I have also been told that BDSM activities are separate from sexual activities which leads me to more confussion.

Sexual activities...I feel so deprived but I've felt this way for a while. I don't believe I'm getting enough. I'm in my sexual peak and I'm lucky to get it once a month. I want to be fucked hard and all night. I want to be woke up when even Sir has a need. I want Sir to call me into the bedroom and force me on the bed and fuck the shit out of me.

Ma'am told me that if I was feeling horny all I had to do is request to speak with Sir in private and ask him to use me. Only Sir continues to speak about earning so I don't think it would work for me cuz I just haven't really earned anything with Sir yet. Then I also think about all the times I have requested to be fucked only to be told no...I really don't want to be rejected that will only create cause for me to be disciplined.

Which leads me to continue to wonder, how am I to earn things? I like clarity and I don't have it. I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm being successful due to my lack of knowledge and experience. I can't even figure out if I really did like the lil bit of pain that I received or not. Sir was talking to me but I was so intent on what he was doing, I don't remember half of what he was saying. I was tense and anticipating. Will I be able to let my mind go?

I told Ma'am when I called to say I was close to home that I figured out what I sought. I told her sexual satisifaction, attention and exploration. She ask if I wanted a relationship. I can't really answer that. Apart of me does want a relationship but I don't think the one I want exists so I don't intent to pursue one. I have a great capacity for loving but apparently no one really wants that part of me which is ok. What one doesn't know is never really losted or at least the loss isn't felt.

I've been all over the place with this blog tonight. I don't think anyone will really be able to follow it, let alone understand. I don't think I fully understand.