Reflections

I think some people would be amazed at the woman I have become and others would be surprised. Which depending on the person could be good or bad. I like the person that I have become but I see a lot of growing room especially where with my submissiveness.

I think we all do a self evaluation especially when it is getting close to the end of the year. We look to make changes or adjustments so to improve ourselves for the upcoming year.

As I look at the year, it had been difficult in the beginning. I had a supposed boyfriend who stated he was a Dom but I would clearly classify him as a "Creepy Dom", at least according to several threads I have read speaking about bad dominates. Then I was in such a frenzy to experience the physical side of BDSM, I attempted to jump into the first relationship I could. Eventhough, I told myself I was going to take it slowly. I could have chosen to be a play partner but opted for the second in the household. Of course, I was unsuccessful and I have only myself to blame. In both relationships, I didn't listen to myself. I felt things weren't right but continue to pursue. We live and we learn.

However, because of the treatment that I have received from men in the past, I have become skepical about any chance of a potential relationship. I start talking to a man and for one reason or another interaction ceases. Sometimes I end it cause I get those uncomfortable feelings. Other times, the texting or IMing just stops with the indication given as they have been busy and just loose track. I don't really understand that reasoning. If the person truely wanted to become involved wouldn't they make more effort to maintain a pattern of communication.

As for my writing this blog, I feel that I have improved. At times, I think its unorganized but that is usually during periods of crisis which causes my perceptions to be irrational and paranoid.