Strength

I made a decision this week that I began to doubt. I spoke to Ma'am about earning a place in Sir's household. I stuned her with this request but didn't really surprise her. Ma'am told me of a conversation that occurred after they had left me. She bet Sir that within in 2 weeks that I would beg to earn a position. What shocked her is my request to earn a position for 24/7. I think she thought I would only ask to be a play partner. Sir thought I was content with where I was and I wouldn't ask for anything. Ma'am told me she won a $10 bet.

Sir had stated several times during our evening that he would not be dealing with me that everything would be arranged with Ma'am. So I never thought to appoarch him when I made the request. However, that night he requested my phone number cuz he wanted to speak with me. He was blunt as usual which discouraged me. I think Ma'am could here that when she was placed on the phone. She automatically told me not to take things personally.

Since making the decision I have struggled a lil. I know this is the best decision for me at this time. Sir seems to be what I need to continue my education. My concern is again with me. My oppitional was kicking up. How could I give total control over to anyone? I've had control and been in control for so long. I told Ma'am I had a concern because of my lack of experience and that I didn't think I was a pain slut. She was very reassuring but there still is doubt that lingers.

Tonight I was reading some blogs on feminism and BDSM. This actually puts my mind at easy. I'm still able to be strong but explore a lifestyle that will relieve me of control. In the blog, it speaks about women looking for what is missing and exploring their sexuality. And again, I can so relate. Now I just need to convence my mind to give it up. I don't think this is going to be an easy road but I do think it will be worth it. I also think I have found the right Sir. I once said I was looking for someone strong enough to handle me and I think my choice is it.

I didn't really want to make a choice this early in the summer. I wanted the summer to play. But I also said I would know when the right person came along. I don't think this will be my final stop but its a start.