Thinking

Well, I don't really know how to title this blog. So I will have to give it some thought while I'm writing.

I participated in another scene today. Originally, I didn't believe the play time I was participating in was actually a scene. I thought it was just me trying new things but a couple of doms told me they believed it to be a scene. I just thought a scene was on a more larger scale some how. Oh well, you live and learn.

So I went for another scene. This time hot wax was dropped on my back and ass. Then he used several knives to remove. When he was dripping the wax it was a stinging sensation. However, he did manage to hit a couple of sensative areas which caused me to say "oww". I was told "remember oww isn't a safe word". I said I knew and that we had discussed using red. Only the conversation wasn't that smooth. I was a lil distracted so I was attempting to form thoughts between sensations. It was really relaxing. It didn't really provide any sexual stimulation like being bound but I felt relaxed. It sounds really weird.

I have wondered if some activities could provide some stress relief. I think when I'm pissed if I was spanked or flogged it just might release some of the anger that I'm feeling. However, usually if I'm pissed, no one wants to be around me and I tend to isolate so I don't go off and say something that I don't really mean.

I recently stated I wasn't being challenged or my limits pushed. I been ask what I mean by this. Well, I've been provided with a few assignments that have caused me to think but not really challenge my abilities. Because of my schedule, I have rushed and provided the required information but haven't used my abilities to their fullest potential. I know this but those reading feel that I have done a good job. Maybe I'm being over critical of myself.

As for pushing my limits, I have tried a few things but I have not reached the level of loosing control. I read blogs of other submissives and slaves which describe subspace and situations leaving ones mind blank. Those levels of consciousness are amazing to me and I want to see if I could reach one of them. Actually, I wonder if I already have. I passed out the first time I was placed in rope. I felt like I was in a dream state. However, when I was moved to remove the ropes, I first felt confused and disoriented. Then after a few seconds, recognition returned.

I don't feel my body reacting or becoming overwhelmed but it does become to concentrate on verbal communication. Am I paying so much attention to the sensation I'm experiencing that I forget to pay attention to my body. The reason I say this is because I know I pass out or become light headed with heat. But the night of my first scene, the room didn't seem overly warm until I got dizzy. And the last time I remember passing out from heat, I didn't feel dizzy. I just woke to people standing over me attempting to revive. Plus I remember feeling weak for a while after. The night of my first scene, I didn't feel week after. I felt relaxed. But could having ropes put on you with your hands bound behind your create this level of semi-consciousness? I wouldn't think so but I still can't explain what happened.

I have to admit that I enjoyed being taken care of. Actually having someone else see that I'm safe in a sense. Now I'm also thinking about how I like being taken care during my sexual interactions with my first blk man. He would blind fold me to make me dependent on him during our time together. Those thoughts lead me to wonder if our time together could be classified as scenes?

Thinking just leads to more questions.

MK and I were having a discussion today and it was about me requesting to be challenged and limits pushed. I realize when I participate in a conversation that touches on what I want, I have some difficulty expressing myself. Believe me this is unusual and isn't normally a problem, I'm very expressive. I would even say I'm embarrassed because during these type of conversations, I avoid eye contact. I'm not use to expressing my needs. No one ever really ask but I know what I want. I'm hesitant to tell someone else and I think that is cause I don't know how they will react. Maybe its the vanilla in me coming out...who knows.