Atlanta

Last weekend was my second trip to Atlanta, second time to met Sir face to face. It was great to see him in person, to touch him, to talk to him, to have dinner with him, to touch him in the middle of the night, to be awaken by him. All the little things that couples do regular. Because we have chosen to be long distance, I value the time we get to do the little things.

Our schedules have prevented us from a full play schedule. My first trip, I had worked mass hours prior to going to ATL. I sleep a lot while there that is between play periods. This time he was working mass hours and was tired. Eating dinner and sex put him right to sleep. He had a full night planned for me but he needed his rest. He's wanting to come to Ohio for a couple of parties...play parties. I'll find a good one.

My next trip is Vegas baby.

Sir

Sir is different from the others that I have dated and played. We are on the eve of our second meeting and he's using words like control and take care of which are foreign to me. I'm the caregiver. I'm the one in control and take care of people. No man has ever taken care of me. This brings up a new area totally familiar. I hope I don't offend and unknowingly get in trouble.

So much to learn about Him and continuing my education in the lifestyle. That is now that I can finally move forward.

I'm Back

It's been a while since I blogged or even had anything to blog about. I took a step back to re-evaluate things and to breath a bit.

I knew what I was looking for but couldn't always verbalize it. Well let me try and give you an update about what's been going on.

I've been talking to men trying to find one that was somewhat real. Wanted to meet, get to know each other, do things together. Most didn't make it past texting. But I met one in 2018 that had potential. We texted, had short conversations on the phone which weren't sex based. It's important to me that the phone conversations are us talking about something other than sex. Then we met.

I wasn't happy with the first meeting. He wanted it to be a 3some weekend which it ended up being. He needed to know that I could trust him to take care of me. Both went home happy and communications increased between he and I over the next months.

At some point, he decided he wanted a relationship which meant seeing each other more, talking more and possibly working toward some real.

So on the 12th, I'm making a trip to meet him for a 2nd time. He has some quirks that are driving me crazy but time will tell. Maybe we just need time.

Loyal

I was recently ask if I was "loyal". Of course, I answered that was one of my best traits but I don't think that was a fair question.

This person was wondering if i would be loyal to him and him alone. The funny thing is he didn't mention he being loyal to me or ask about my other potential loyalties. If he would have ask me to be disloyal to my family or other responsibilities and I would have been, I would have been dishonest and weak willed and disloyal.

I'm not easily swayed, usually the person has to break the bond, not someone telling me too. I base my friendships, trust and loyalty on how I'm treated, not the next person. So I'm not going to break a bond based on someone else's dislike or bad interaction. 

Dreams that are in reality fantasy

As a child, I had a dream about love, marriage, family and how my life was going to be. Even with uncaring parents, iffy childhood, divorce, lose of many things, I was still able to have a sense of morals and ethical code. I still had dreams but they were only dreams. I didn't believe they would come true. I guess I lost hope.

I was married, neither lived up to my dream. Both men said they loved me but never made me a priority so didn't live up to the dream. Neither men took care of me, I took care of everything in the house so didn't live to the dream. Both men thought there activities came first I was there to support them unless the kids had something, this included surgeries. However, I've always been alone so no dream here. Of course, a good sign that the dream failed, I've had 2 failed marriages and multiple failed relationships.

So sense I'm middle age and the likely hood of finding a successfully relationship, I conclude that in reality the dream is a fantasy. I don't know why it exists for some and not for others but for me it doesn't. Love is real with my children and grandchildren but that's the extent.

I don't know how this really affects me at this point. Its just a realization that I've came too. Now I need to figure out how this fits into the puzzle. I think it will be interesting.

My Jouney continues

I decided to take a step away from things for awhile but now I think its time to focus on me. To be honest, I've hide because I really didn't want to make time for a relationship. I didn't want to admit that I was doing that but I think I was.

I got hurt and disappointed, instead of dealing, I decided I my family or work needed me more so I closed the door and did look back. I built walls and made sure no one would attempt to breach. I can say I was successful.

But then I realized something was missing and that was a partner so I thought I would put myself out there again. I thought I knew what I wanted. I knew who I am. I knew the mistakes I made in the past. So I started talking again and actually found a couple that I was impressed with. However, I came to realize, its not just me.

During the getting to know stage, its not just about sex. I'm 52 years old. More than sex has happen to me in 52 years so that affects how I respond to things. I have triggers that send those walls up before I realize what is happening but I guess my walls weed out and allow me to focus on the ones that might truly be worth evaluating.

I can't allow myself to over focus on the ones that appear to be based in fiction. I think I've read too many books...lol

Continued Disappointment

I find myself continuely being disappointed with potential partners. They begin to chat, getting to know each other. I continue to hear the similar statements about not being able to find someone but no one takes the time to know me. How do they know I'm not the right person?

They often become upset when I confront them about the lack of communication. Instead of accepting I may have a point, I'm accused of being child like or acting like I'm in high school.

I don't play games but if I'm unhappy about something I ask questions or make statements. Instead of taking time a discussing the situation, I'm ignored.

I've spent a life time being ignored, I won't be just cuz someone can't man up and talk. I move on.

I want someone to follow though with their statements. Show me that there is action behind their words and not just that they are telling me things I want to hear.

I also want to be a priority. I want someone to make me just as important as I make them. Maybe my expections are too high?

Weirdest Dream

OMG...I just woke from the weirdest dream. I had a baby, went back to college and was involved with a gang just to play softball.

Attention Whore

Wow...I was told tonight that I was an attention whore. I was demanding this particular person sole attention. He doesn't know my past and wouldn't listen to the reasons why I wanted attention. And he can't understand why he has only seen me 3 times in about 7 years. 

Personally, he is the one that is self-centered and feels entitled. The only thing he can do is blame me and tell me I'm wrong in the thinking and philosophy.

I've spent a life time being unimportant to men. I think I have a right and deserve a little attention from whoever wants to be with me. If they don't want to spend a little time meeting my needs, there's no reason to consider putting effort into anything. 

Men also figure since I identify as bi that there should always be another female involved. This is a major turn off. I wish the would get to know me and allow us to explore each other. Than we can go on the prowl for a third. The prowling would be together so we could find someone we each agree on but this thought appears to be lost on all of then.

I the bottom line is I don't like all females. Some are shady and have there own agenda. Females also lie especially to the males because of their agenda. 

I have found a successful three some will be when the female is interested in both parties not just the male. This is another thought lost on the males.

Well I've vented enough tonight. 

Its been awhile.

I haven't wrote in over a year. I had other things that needed my focus. I was working mass hours and then still had family that needed my attention.

My life had slowed down and my family don't need me as they did. I've decided to refocus on myself and my role in the lifestyle.

I've started talking to several men. Some have went by the disappeared before we even had a chance to meet. I don't consider those men to be a loss because we were only in the talking stage.

I've renewed a relationship with Doc. We played once but I continue to think of that night. He has peaked my interest with several scenios. He has also stated a list of the top 5 things he would like to see me do.

I've also been speaking to another. He surprised me today in the conversation that he would like to collar me and live in his home with another female. The was exciting cause it was something new but I need to meet him and see what the chemistry is between the 3 of us.

I've began talking to another female. I'm hoping to explore my bi side a little further.

Well that's my update. Hopefully I'll have more exciting advertures to report.

Wow is replaced with Disappointment

Well "another one bites the dust" and didn't get past the talking stage. Again, he had a lot of nice words but no follow through. He also fell off faster than many.

I had high hopes of not being alone for yet another holiday especially one that I hate so badly. But apparently I'm destined to be alone for every holiday and for whatever reason. This is what I need to accept and be done with. I need to stop wasting energy on things that won't come true. 

Another Quote

True strength lies in submission, which permits one to dedicate her life, through devotion, to something beyond herself. ~ Henry Miller

Amazement continues

Today makes one week since I started talking to Sir. It has been a great week. I know his birthday is coming up next month. He's talked about his past. He also speaks about being concerned with my feelings. He continually re-enforces that he isn't going anywhere.

He is different than others have been. He doesn't pull out the dom card and lay down the law which I would rebel against. Instead, He talks to me. He tells me what he doesn't like and how he wants to correct.

During our conversations, He also makes states that he may think I don't hear but I do. He makes reference about us having a future together. Like today, he said something about when I move to North Carolina. This gives me an indication that we are on the same page. I'm not imagining things.

I do question if I'm jumping too fast. Am I feeling this way because its been so long since I had someone truly in my life? Or the fact that I'm actually a priority? I'm really trying not to let my mind run away which it would be easy to do. I wonder how I will know if its true and he actually likes me? Can he love me? I'm all over the place.

On another front, my local group is throwing their first play party. We have a venue, date and the rules. Its also posted and appears to be receiving attention. I believe it will be a success.

A personal goal for the year is to loose weight. We are having a contest at the office. Plus I'm going to check into yoga and possibly join a local gym. I'm going to be 50 this year and want to try and get into shape. 

All I can say is "Wow"

On New Year's Eve, I had a man hit me up on fetlife. I looked at his profile and responded back. During our brief email interaction, I felt comfortable enough and intrigued to give him my phone number. That was the best thing I could have done.

He ask me if I text and I gave him my number. Instead of texting, he called. We spoke most of that evening and night. It was like we had an instant connection.

We actually had a conversation. There were actual attempts to get to know me. There was an open and honest communication that continues. If there is a question, its ask and answered, not pushed aside.

Tonight during a conversation He text "I will always make sure you are safe and pleased". This sentence thrilled me to no end. No one has ever told me that they would sure I was safe.

Then he has me pleasure myself. I thought we were doing it together but he was more concerned with me getting off then himself. He put my needs first. Getting off made me feel so relaxed and happy.

He says we are going to meet soon. We've discussed possible scenes for the future. All I can say is Wow...I can't wait.

Goodbye 2013

2013 has been a very stressful year for me personally. I thought I was on task for increasing my involvement in my community only to hit several stumbling blocks. 

First my sister was found dead which put me in a tail spin. We were estranged but that doesn't take away from her suddenness or the loss I feel. I had so much to say and will never have the chance. 

Then my grandson finally gets his transplant. Waiting 4 years for his organs really wears on a family's nerves, then the 12 hour surgery waiting to see how it went. It was a total ordeal that one is never ready for. He has done fantastic with his recovery with only a few road blocks.

On the personal side, I'm not involved and didn't really have any potentials. But I've been taken by surprise, I've had someone reach out to me that has really impressed me. He ask if I text then called me. We've been talking off and on this evening. Its not sex talk, its actually adult conversation. Getting to know one another...I'm totally surprised. This might indicate 2014 may have some potential.

Looking up

The last couple of years have been really rough and especially stressful. I've had a family issue that remained a priority and prevented me from moving forward. Now that issue has been resolved and I'm left with an emptiness one which was unexpected. 

I had thought I had everything under control. This includes chasing those I feel are unacceptable away. I need someone that is strong in every aspect but open and understanding. I need to know I'm a priority at some point in the relationship and will receive some attention at times. I'm going to be protected, not left to fend for myself.

It seems that a lot of my stressors have been resolved. I've bought a new car after a year of my old one being in decline. This severely limited my ability to attend events. 

On the positive side, I had a door opened. I tried flying and loved it. Now I'm planning to attend an event in Dallas. 

The experience of flying has opened doors. Buying a car has expanded my ability to travel also. I will be able to attend more events more frequently. Hopefully this will allow me to explore and meet people. Maybe I will come across the perfect partner.

What I want???

I once thought I knew what I wanted once I was able to move on with my life but since I've been able too, I've been doubting everything. I've been stopped in my tracks because I really don't know what way to move. 

During my stagnant years, I was unable to find a partner that even remotely attempted to make me a priority or considered any of my needs as important. Not even my exploring or learning was of an importance or priority. Making me a door mat was important and humiliating me was just as important. Which makes me think, how am I going to find someone now when I'm able to move about?

Since I'm so strong-willed, I need someone that can show me that he is stronger, not just physically, but mentally. However, it hasn't happened. The partners I find are noticeable physically stronger but lack the interest in showing the mental strength. Because they don't demonstrate their mental strength, it proves their weakness in my opinion and my dominant side makes its appearance. 

The other side is I need someone that can walk the fine line between compassionate and strict. I have a defiant side which will no doubt get me into trouble for a while. Plus I've not even remotely been trained which will be a new experience so I need someone with some knowledge. 

I'm tired of being blamed for my potentials partners deficient. I'm too demanding for sex. I don't have time for them. I don't make them a priority. I don't want to rush into sex. All these excuses are actually the truth about why they choose not to be with me. Or they just don't give out their address so I can visit but won't be honest enough to say I don't want you to visit. 

At times I wonder, is there someone out there for me? Am I going to need to settle to be alone for the remainder of my life? I won't settle for less then I deserve. So to whoever tries, you have walls to break down and a lot to prove because I'm not going to lay down cause someone says too. 

New Beginning

I had put my life on hold because I had to make my family and their needs as a priority. However, that has been almost resolved. On Friday, we received the call that organs were available for my grandson. So at 12:45 am on Saturday morning, he went into surgery to receive a new liver, colon, small intestine, panaceas and stomach. He is on his way to healing and living a somewhat normal life.

Now, I can move my life to the next stage. I have not been serious about finding a dominant because I could not commit to the level that I needed due to the priority I made my grandson. However, I can now look after my own needs cause my baby no longer needs me as he did nor does his mama.

I will have to think about this. This is a big step for me to seriously consider a Dominant.

Submissive Emotions and the Dominant By DauntlessVitality

Submissive Emotions and the Dominant

"I warned you! I told you how this would be. I told you how intense this could and probably would become. I told you how emotional this would become for you. I told you this would be like no other relationship you have ever had. I told you how it would be hard to go back once I had taken you there. Did you believe me? Did you think I was lying? Did you really think I was just telling you things to lure you in? Maybe...maybe not. You had no way of knowing. You had no reference point. You had never been here before to be able to understand. But...now you see. Now you get it. Now you understand. Now...you are addicted!"

I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.

There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.
From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.

She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.
This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.

There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.

My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.

Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!

Another Great Party

On Saturday, I attended another great party at Master Doug's and piggy's. They are the most gracious host and hostess. 

This month was smaller than last month but it still had a lot of great energy. There was a gender sadistic challenge where a female sadist and a male sadist each picked 5 implements to use on a volunteer. The male won just based on power because he was able to break the skin. 

I was able to observe a newbie negotiating a scene where he would be tied up and possible electric used. I saw the beginning of the rope being tied around him.

I watched a scene with OD and piggy. Piggy was great. She didn't move or yell or jump with any snap of the dragon tail or crack of a paddle. I was impressed. I didn't see her second scene but saw the pics where a paddle with tacks  was used. She had some blood dripping but the next day, you barely saw any marks at all on her beautiful ass.

Another friend is having a breast reduction so we said good bye to her boobies...she took markers around so people could write their good-byes. I think she is a little nervous about surgery but she knows we are there to support.

Just as one is willing saying good-bye, another is being forced. She has found out that she has breast cancer in both breast. She just informed her friends this week. We have tried to turn Fetlife pink in support of her. Several turned the party pink on Saturday. She also knows, we as a community will be there to support her when she is in need. My prayers go out to both of my friends.

Now another month and another month of parties...I seem to make it to 2. The L3 and Master Doug's. The L3 is more to listen to music and relax. At Master Doug's, I'm working the nerve to actually play.