What I think I need...

Working severely cuts into my computer time...lol. But then again, when you are a single, independent woman with no one else to take care of you, I think work is a necessity.

Seriously, I've been thinking a lot in the last few nights and I believe I have come to accept that I will be single for most likely the rest of my life. Some will say that is sad that I think that way but I really don't have a good track record with men. And now, I'm so overly cautious that won't allow any man in.

I guess I have been thinking about this since I blew yet another off. For several months, we had been texting. Several times I told him when I was coming his way only not to have a response or to be informed that he was already busy. I understand, I'm not the only one with a family and work but to continue to say "we can just hang out".

My conclusion is I don't want to just hang out. I don't want to take someone to a swing club so they can only look for other women. I don't want a serious relationship at this time in my life. I don't want the drama men have to offer because of the unsavory women they choose to have around them. I'm amazed that more women don't see the patterns they offer and would rather blame women for all the issues of the relationship instead of the men that are the heart of the problem. I just don't have the time. I, also, don't want to initiate someone wanting to explore their dominant side.

What I do want is a "booty call" buddy. Someone I could go see, have great sex and I leave. Sometimes I think I want more but the men that seem to draw my attention aren't those with quality characters. The only thing they really have to offer is sex. They don't appear to have the capacity to join me at my emotional level. They are usually extremely self absorb. Its all about them, their needs and wants. They are so blinded that they can't see or hear any problems.

I do take credit for part of the problem because I become comfortable. I let my guard down and become to involved with their neediness. Also, I attempt to prove my value and they see something different. Eventually, I do become disturbed with what is going on and tired of sitting on the side lines while they continue to be self absorb.

So instead of going through this dance over and over, I'm only going to accept those that want a sexually intense relationship. That is what has seemed to work for me in the past. If feelings are remotely discussed that will be my cue to exit and find another that is willing to live within the boundaries that I establish.

As for my participation in the lifestyle, I will continue to explore and build relationships with creditable people. Locally, we have a great community with strong leadership that won't tolerate the drama that some insist on creating. I feel safe attending events and even seeking tops to negotiate a scene.