Intimidated and Vulnerable

I admitted to 2 Dominants recently that pain intimidated.  But as I thought about it, its not that pain intimidates me, I think its more the fear of being vulnerable and the potential sub drop.

I've always been in control or at least try. When things don't go as planned, I become frustrated but I'm able to think and re-adjust. So actually giving control over to someone and opening my self up is quit intimidating.

I have did minimal play in public like trying fire and the violent wand but I haven't tried anything else. I had the opportunity to various paddles, whips and even a flogger but ran. I was watching another receive her first spanking and I was getting excited and wet. So I think the combination of my bodies reaction and the intimidation spooked me.

I don't really have a Dominant to discuss these things with or to guide me so I'm left on my own to figure things out and process my feelings. It takes me a little longer to see the obvious at times. 

I think at the next play party, I'm going to try and force my limits. I'm going to try and play in public. I want to be flogged. I've tried paddles once and I wasn't impressed and I will try whips again. I don't think I'll be impressed with them either but I think I need to try a couple of times before deciding.