Lost that submissive feeling

I've been thinking that I've lost that submissive feeling. But then I thought, did I ever really get the feeling of submitting? Yes, I've been over thinking things as well as building walls to keep just about everyone out.

I've been thinking over the last several weeks and months, I've come to the realization that I have never really been able to show my submissive side which is extremely sad. I have such passion and loyalty. I have the knowledge, I only need the right situation in which to apply the knowledge that I have gained so that I can grow.

As for the walls, the past continues to haunt me. It shows me that I made a good decision to walk away because the men that I have been talking with are of such higher quality. They are patient and in control. Most aren't of a concern due to distance. Sir is close but far enough to give me the room I need. Sir continues to tell me to have  patience but that is not one of my strengths.

I don't know where this journey is taking me but I'm sure it will be an experience. I might even try the Dominant hat for a minute. Inflicting pain maybe the stress relief that I need...who knows til one actually tries.