Started out to be Fantasies but ended up being Goals

I was talking to Sir about fantasies and thought it would be better to write a blog. There were just too many to type in a text or to talk about on the phone. Writing an email might be a little more private but at least this way I can track what we do. He doesn't mind me writing. I think he actually likes giving me reasons to write...lol. He also reads them which totally excites me.

I was extremely disappointed that I had to decline another meeting with Sir. Mother Nature affected me in two different ways...1) the weather was horrible. My county was again a level one which meant the roads were bad for New Year's Eve. And 2) I started my period on Sunday. It seems like I'm either oncall or on my period when he wants to play. There are times I want to ask if we can play but I'm afraid of being rejected.

I've been so conditioned not to ask for anything, I just don't. When I was younger, I was told "no" for one reason or another. As I got older the pattern continued, not only with family members but with husbands and partners, so I just got to the point that I either got it myself or did without. This included sex. I remember laying beside partners craving and needing to be satisfied and being told "no".

I'm actually a little hesitate about talking about my fantasies also. I've had this conversation several times and I have still to have a full fantasy fulfilled. I've had parts here and there but something always seems to happen. So I think apart of me has given up that they will ever become reality.

Consensual non-consent has always been an interested area.  I really don't know why, I think partly because I don't want to give control but I want it taken to an extent. I love to wrestle and it gets me so hot. Plus I'm able to feel my partner's strength which gives me a level of security.

Thinking of strength, I keep thinking of Sir's strength. I felt his during our play session when he grabbed the rope in the front and pulled me to my feet. That excited me within my already heightened state but my mind keeps bringing me back to that moment.

In this new year I hope to try role playing, a strap on both receiving and giving, sharing a double headed dildo and improving my oral skills on a female. I think this blog was more about my goals than fantasies.

I have always thought that if I was pissed the right person/man could convert that anger to passion with the right touch, the right phrase, the right kiss and a lot of patience. I have the tendency to be impulsive and I want someone that isn't afraid to stand up to me. Most will say they care but will let me do stupid things that could result in me being harmed, I want someone to stand up to me and mean it because when I'm pissed rationality goes out the window. I don't care about my safety, I don't care about anything at this point.

I want to be pinned against a wall while struggling. I want my neck kissed while my clothes are being removed. I want my breast fondled and my pussy fingered. If my struggling is too much, I want to be tied down so that access will be unimpeded. I want my senses overwhelmed.