Struggling...just a little

There are just so many songs out at this time that reminds me of the fool I was. Of course, being depressed isn't helping. Songs like Jar of Hearts, Impossible and even the hits by Adele like Set Fire to the Rain.

In the last 6 years, my relationships have been very deceitful. With Lamont, I was looking for someone to give me attention and love me. He told me he was tired of the life he was leading and wanted something more stable. In the end it was the exact opposite. He felt women were his toys and they all owed him something. He was very smooth and could make you believe anything...time and time again. I stuck around with him cause I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. The sex was great but finally the lies and all the other women just got to be too much.

Then there was B. Of course, he had an agenda but just failed to inform me. My whole relationship with him was to lure me away from Lamont. He was sent to me by one of Lamont's involvements. When he presented into my life, I had decided I was going to explore and find me. I was still injured from my ordeal with Lamont and of course looking for love. Sadly, I started to see the same pattern with B as with Lamont and all those hurt and neglected feelings surfaced.

The tattle tale pattern is not answering calls, not responding to texts, having a lot of women on their various social networking pages thanking them for no reason, according to the male.

And of course, in my case, repeatedly being told I'm crazy for demanding them act as they had said they would. They also told the other women involved that I was psycho and pursuing them. The real funny part is when I proved the opposite was true, they continued to believe the lies. I was drama for telling the truth.

Because of B and my desire to learn about this lifestyle, I made a bad decision. I wanted to prove to someone that I was able to be domestic which equaled to me at the time being submissive. I jumped at a chance to enter a household as a slave. I'm not a slave but I wanted to prove I could do things well and I wanted to experience the physical side of BDSM play. I'm still in touch with the female but I think I lost a friendship of the Dominate. He had a lot of good ideologies and it would have been better if we could have just been play partners for a time.

After these relationships, I retreated home to isolate myself. I continued my research and reading with a fever. I fell in love with some erotica that was wrote by some Dominants here on blogger.com. I had desires to be the sub or slave they were writing about. I gained a better understanding of what I wanted and needed.

I also began to step out and go to munches and events. I wanted to become involved in the community. I thought this would be the safest thing. I made several friends who were friendly, encouraging and willing to answer those questions that I had been afraid to ask in other places.

Now comes my most recent involvement. I was invited to do a 3sum. I had been unsatisfied with my previous 3sum. I wanted a bi-female that could teach me and help with this exploration. However, this female only became jealous and had attitude. She wasn't bi and had no experience with another woman. For that fact, I had more than she. She didn't want to kiss or touch me even when her partner had a desire for more girl on girl action.

We had a great night and got some great pics. When I spoke to her about borrowing him, she took offense. She came up with a rules from no where. During the evening, she bragged about her other involvements stating her partner always knew prior. However, she let it slip that he didn't always give prior approval. Oh, when I wanted to borrow him I had every intention of her being present but she didn't hear that. She wanted him to bring partners home for her but when he wanted me it wasn't allowed.

He wanted to continue to see me and even got my number from her phone. I just wanted sex and didn't want anything deep or long term. I have a family situation that puts my life on hold. We continued to see each other and spent time together. We talked 15 times a day. I knew what was going on with him and he with me.

He said he was different but in truth he wasn't. When he told me about things in his life, I wanted to help and did. Then he wanted me around more and more. However, she didn't take well to that. He wanted to learn about being a Dominant. He stated he had ask her several times and she always put him off. I thought "wow...someone that I could share information and learn with". I thought it was the best of both worlds.

We began discussing different aspects. I was in a LDR D/s relationship and was given different task. S was more than willing to help with those task. However, those negative feelings began to re-appear. I attempted to talk to him but he continued to state his situations were the only thing he could think about.

I sorta started to ramble but I think I needed to get what I was feeling out. Recently S stated to me he wanted to see him. He felt if he could talk to me, he could help me process my hurt and hostile feelings. I don't think that is possible because he is the one that has created those hurt and hostile feelings.

In all these relationships, I was hidden but told I was important. Actually, they were extreme selfish and only looked at what was going on with them. I don't know why I have attracted this type of needy men. They claim to be aggressive but are only out to satisfy their own needs by any means. The relationship is strictly on their time with no true interest in their reported partners.

All 3 of these men had multiple women. The first two lied about their many involvements and claimed they only were involved with me. However, the third was honest in that aspect but lied about everything else. In the end, he did the most damage. He made statements in a effort to hurt which hit me at the core only to say he said it out of anger.

I do have several male friends that are long distance but have always been there for me. One I have met face to face, but the other 2 have only been online, textin and phone calls. We all have a love for each other and feel secure enough to state it with sincerity. I hope to meet the other two someday. They are the ones that will be there to hold my hand during a crisis, not the superficial relationships based on needs of the men being met or sex. Its just a shame that one of these men didn't live closer but I'm still grateful they are in my life.

I guess what I'm struggling with is being gullible and naive to a certain extent. Also when I'm at low points in my life, I need attention, comfort and strength to help me continue with life circumstances. I expect back what I give, no more, no less. I continue to have the hope that the man will see the person and take the time to truly know me, not go by what everyone else is saying.

I needed to get that out...Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent. Let the fun, learning and growth begin.