Direction

Over the last few months, I have been confused and things didn't always seem clear. When I actually think I get an understanding, new information or options become available which cause to think and see another possible avenue.

Last year when I started researching BDSM, the information was extreme. No one was talking to me and helping me to process the information. I was dating a person that stated he didn't want to influence me but actually did. He was forcing me to accept his version of the lifestyle. Of course without any other source, I fought it cause it just seemed to extreme for me. There was a level of excitement and energy but fear of the unknown created doubt.

Then I met another dominate male online and began to chat with him. He provided me with another version of the lifestyle. He also gave me a task at one point. This actually gave me a direction for additional research. He requested I research two different schools of thought within the lifestyle. Of course, me being me, I didn't use just one site. I spent a day searching both and reading, then I wrote me essay. He gave me a lil feedback and we carried on our conversations.

The funny thing is both these individuals wanted to control me for some reason. Their reasons aren't clear but I also don't think they are pure. One wanted to own me which I somewhat accepted and the other offered a verbal contract. Neither of them wanted to see my needs or even remotely give a little to me. They just wanted me to give to them. They both saw my faults and neither of them had any follow through. Then I broke it off with both of them. They both stated they loved me but it was words only. They were the center of the their world with no chance of anyone else really entering.

I saw the BDSM community as closed and cold. I had attempted to fit in but wasn't really having any success.

Then things started clicking. I found information that made sense to me that clearly described how I was feeling, how I had actually felt for a long time. This caused me to start thinking, to have a desire to explore futher. Not only did I want to explore the sexual side but also the lifestyle. I feel something is missing from my life and maybe this would give me an idea of what it was. My past relationships had left me hating and angry with feelings of being unwanted and undesirable.

I found a social network with individuals that actually provided information, honest conversations and support. Again, I started chatting with a dominate that provided his version of the lifestyle and what he was looking for. He is apart of a Master/slave couple that live the poly lifestyle or at least their idea of that lifestyle. I have actually chatted with both individuals. I feel an attraction but I'm hesitate. He is looking for a slave to help complete his household. I accept being a submissive but not a slave. After several weeks of thinking, I decided to speak with him again. I wanted to tell him how I felt. When I did, we again chatted about his version of the lifestyle. We agreed to at least met and then go from there.

My desire to experience the lifestyle and not just read about it became stronger. I wanted to find someone that would show me the things I wanted. I went to another munch and met that individual. I sensed something but again was ignoring my own feelings. However, we began chatting. We made a date to play and I was able to experience bondage. I don't know where this is going but I like what I'm learning. He also lives a poly relationship which is different from the other I discussed. I even have plans to play again. He talks to me and ask me what I want which is different. He even ask me about playing with a friend that I introduced him too.

I finding within this lifestyle, a person can go many different directions. There is something for everyone.