Confusion

I'm so confused. My head and heart are in major conflict. My heart usually wins but it leads me to be unhappy and then my head steps in. I know most will be saying "What" but that is how I tend to do things.

Several weeks ago I thought everything was pretty clear. I thought my relationship was over. I determined I was moving on and exploring what I thought was fascinating and exciting lifestyle. I also feel it might be an area that helps to relieve some of the massive stress that occurrs within my life. But then ex makes contact with me.

He texted me and was a lil unsure if he had the right number. He wanted to get with me to "fuck". On that day, the playground was closed for monthly maintence and he doesn't fuck while the playground is closed, what he desired wasn't an option. Plus I had a flat tire to fix and grandchildren to watch. Later I considered he wanted to see me, not for any reason. And from our text conversation, I thought he wanted a sexual relationship with me since we hadn't worked on any other level. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

Ok I chatted with B from the internet several times and we exchanged texts. He had attempted to hook up me several months before we did. He still says to this day I blew him off. I told him I had to do something but it didn't take as long as I lead it would. I then did something else and went home to lick my wounds, again my heart. Anyways, he decided to call me again when he came through town and this time we got together.

I had finally been able to split from an abusive boyfriend. I had decided at that time that I was moving on and was going to start dating which is something that I had never done. I had met several guys that I had been putting off and then he called.

I remember that day. I had caught a bug of some type and been throwing up most of the night. When he called I told him I was sick. I still felt a lil nauseas, weak and had a slight headache. He told me he was getting a room and to hurry up. I hadn't had a shower and so I took everything to take one in the room. He was polite and quite. I thought the whole time I was in the shower that he would come in but he didn't. He later told me that he had wanted to come in and join me but chose to leave me alone. I was nervous and rambling. He had me lay on the bed with him and then he ask if I was going to get undressed. I think everyone knows where it went from here.

We spent the afternoon getting to know each other on several levels. We got some dinner, watched TV and enjoyed some physical activities that created great satification, at least for me. I sensed something was different about him but couldn't really say what. He stated he had to leave cause of work which I understood. He stated he didn't want to leave and stood just looking at me. He then went back to work.

He called me shortly after leaving and we talked for hours. I told him about a swing club I planned to attend. We talked alot for the next several days. However, the next months would have some good times with a lot of drama mixed in.

There are a few bitchs in my area that were upset with the circumstances around my ex. He was a major slut puppy and he lied to them. When I attempted to tell them the truth, they would go to him and he would cover with more lies. Several of these women made contact with B and told him things that weren't true. He didn't tell me that they were contacting him but I could tell because of questions and statements. So instead of getting to know me, he just assumed what he was told was true which caused him not to trust me. He also thought I was doing what they had told him. He accused me of cheating several times. He thought I lied to him. When I attempted to correct the information, he wouldn't look at my actions or listen to my statements. He thought the worse.

Through our phone conversations, I learned he was a dom. I had a secret curiousity about the lifestyle and so my interest was peaked. He stated he didn't want me to enter the lifestyle cause of him but he wanted me to to determine it was something I wanted. So I started my research. I felt the research was in conflict. The words wrote and the pics displayed told different stories. I became frustrated.

We both fell in love quickly. He made plans to see me at least monthly. But we continued with the rollercoaster relationship. When we were together, it was good. When we were separate, things happened. So in September, we broke up. We were talking on the phone and he stated it wasn't fair that I could play with women but he couldn't. This was something that he set in motion.

Things would happen and I would re-act by calling or texting him. In November, we met again face to face. We talked a couple of times and I thought we would started to develop another relationship. But then I didn't hear from him. Talked a couple of times in December but I had felt he was no longer interested so I needed to move on. However, I get a text in January requesting to met him again. Again, I thought it would just be sexual. He always stated I couldn't be just a booty call to him.

During my time with him in January, he surprised me. He told me he entered into a contract with a slave. It surprised me, actually stunted me. I thought about it and about a week later told him I couldn't do it. It felt like I was the other woman all over again. I was good enough to fuck but not to do anything else with. We talked and decided to continue seeing each other. Then I learned he acknowledged a contractual slave relationship on facebook, a vanilla social networking. I expressed my opinion. I didn't demand it be changed. I told him how it looked like they were bf/gf. I ask where I stood in his life. He told me to focus on us and not his slave.

Through out the next several months, he made comments that were upsetting. He told me I "drug me feet" when talking about a contract he presented, that I "wouldn't do the things he liked so he found someone that would". He also mentioned visiting a restauant that I spoke about taking him too. Another comment was something about all the women in Ohio being Bipolar. At this same time, I was only talking to him 5 minutes a day. Otherwise, my calls would go unanswered with no response. He would also tell me he would call me back and no call would be returned. He defined me as being owned property. He told me he wanted to be my rock and guide me. But cause of the 5 minute phone calls, I couldn't discuss anything. I finally had had enough. I texted "Tired of being ignored give my 5 minutes to another and lets call it a day". We broke up again. He told me to delete him which I did.

During the next month, a couple of odd things happened. But I didn't react as I had in the past. I figured it was truely over. He hadn't attempted to contact me. I wasn't going to get upset about anything. He had his slave and I didn't think he really wanted me.

I felt ignored and unwanted. I didn't think requesting phone calls to help communication was inappropriate. I had even started a online journal to help with communication which he has never read. He was persuing other women. I just wasn't an interest. I even felt he only persued me cause others wanted him too.

During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is not defined by society but the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?

I don't know where this is going. I don't know what to do. I had felt he was my destiny, we were meant to be together. But I can't get over the thought that he will leave. He will continue to ignore me and over look my feelings. Also we never had a discussion about our relationship and he never provided any rules when I ask on 3 separate occassions. He stated I was confused as to what I was. I informed him I knew what I was, I'm a submissive. I told him he only offered for me to be a slave which is a jump I can't make at this time.

Time will tell. I still have more thinking to do.