Mixed messages

In this second round of research where I found information that was overwhelming to me, it showed me I was truely submissive. This is when I began to accept. I began to consider what type of submissive I wanted to be. I was trying to include who I believe I am and what I'm attmepting to be. For some that doesn't make sense but others will surely understand totally.

Some of the things I came across were values for a D/s relationship: Honor, Respect, Communication, Trust, Honesty, and Consistency. I read each one of these sections and alot seemed clear. I didn't have this these values when I was with B and I don't have them now. He states "I take full blame for the break down in communication". However, he does nothing to change or correct the breakdown. He also says I'm more than just booty but why does it feel like thats all I am. He has also told me that I "drug" my feet and he found someone that was willing to do.

As I look back over the last 14 months, I see he hasn't trusted me. He has accused me of cheating 3 different times. One of those times, he was with me and I never really left his site for more than 30 minutes. He did leave our room upset and I really don't know what happened with him. There's times when he should answer his phone but only texts. Usually that means they are with someone and don't want that person to know they are talking to me.

He doesn't honor or respect me. When I'm upset and I attempt to approach, no matter the manner, I'm "not going to tell him what to do" and nothing changes. He is so closed minded, he is unable to see my point. Plus I'm finding out that women are talking about me. Instead of asking me or telling me about the conversations, he hides them and believes them. I'm not the person they tell him. I thought I had proven myself and my character.

Then there was the break up. He ask "why I can't fuck other women if you can". When I tried to state that wasn't the same and attempted to discuss. I ask him if playing with another female was cheating and he stated "no". He hangs up on me not to talk to me. After 10 days pass, I thought we had broke up and I texted to the affect. He gets mad at me. I attempt to explain and he doesn't respond. All the while, during this period of break up, I have women contacting me about him.

I think the most hurtful thing is I know he has been in Ohio with other women. He mentioned going to a restauant I told him about for us to go to. He also made a statement about not liking Ohio and Bipolar must be in the water. Plus he refuses to allow me to visit his home.

Alot of things are going through my head. He felt like my destiny. I dreamed about him when we weren't together. But reality is so much different. He ignored me for so many months. Then he is back and states he owns me. I'm his bitch and he doesn't want anyone else but who he says in the pussy. What does this all mean? Is there a hidden connection with people that aren't friendly with me? Do someone not want me to move on?

How can I submit to someone that has broken the key values to a D/s relationship? I also fear he will leave as quickly as he returned. He hasn't been interested in my BDSM checklist or my needs/wants list. I've tried to improve how I talk to him, not giving him attitude. I haven't even attempted to discuss these things. He will just get angry and threaten to walk away. He just doesn't realize, I really don't care one way or another. I just feel like booty.

I want to become the submissive that I know I can be. I have never been able to show my true self.