Interested

I have so many thoughts I really don't know where to start. I think I will start in the beginning.

BDSM has been an interest but one that I haven't been fully able to explore. When I met B, I didn't know he was a dom but found out in a few conversation after we had met face to face. Most of the pics I had seem were extreme and created some fear along side excitement. When B told me he had a toy bag of his own it created some sexual excitement. B stated he wanted me to research the lifestyle cuz he wanted me to be sure that I wanted to become involved. This was an excellent idea because i wasn't aware that I had already been experiencing and enjoying the lifestyle at a small degree.

I have always liked my hair pulled and ass smacked. To me this was just rough sex but it is in fact light BDSM. Also with the information I was finding, I realized the first black man I was with was in fact requiring me to submit to him on a level. When we met, he would require me to be blindfolded during our time together. He is actually the one that started pulling my hair, smacking my ass and introduced me to anal sex. I liked being blindfolded. During our meetings, I was totally dependent on him. He would assist me to the restroom, back to bed and fix my drinks. I haven't been blindfolded since but look forward to the times that I might be.

Also with my information, I realized I have had an interest for many years extending back to when I was a teen. I remember wrestling with my friend's brother. It was a lil more than wrestling. I had actually challenged him to get me to his room. He grabbed me and started to pull me toward the steps. However, it wasn't that easy. Yes, he was able to over power me and eventurally got me to his room but it took him sometime. I was so horny at that point but we had an audiance so sexually we weren't able to continue. There have been other instances of being chased or wrestled with that created the same feelings. So it leaves me to wonder, what type of orgasm would I have if I would ever be able to complete the experience. I have been disappointed that I haven't been able to further my experience in the lifestyle. I'm sure I could just find someone willing to help with the experience but I don't trust. I don't want to be hurt, I want the perfect experience. I'm always looking for that perfect orgasm.

I think part of my disappointment is I didn't fully understand the relationship between the dominate and submissive. I thought the dominate would just make the decisions and the submissive was to follow. I have found out this is true but there is more. The submissive has a say and can express their desires, needs and concerns. The expression just needs to be in the right format. I have attempted to incorpate some of what I have learned but I wonder if my feelings are really being considered. Most times I don't think so cuz when I try to express myself appropriately I don't see any changes and I remain upset.

I think I have learned alot especially in the last few months. When I first started to research the lifestyle, I wasn't able to find the information that satisified my interest or need to know. I have since found several website and information that has helped me to determine that I'm actually a submissive and my submissiveness is and has been apart of me. Over the years I have had to hide it to protect me but it continues to come out even when I don't want too. I think with some training my rough edges will be smoothed out. I'm becoming comfortable with my submissiveness and the potential.