Combination of other post

I'm finding the emails from submissive guide are very useful. They are giving me insight into the D/s relationship and the type of one that I want. Now I want to live it 24/7 so I can put my new found knowledge to use. D/s relationship is about the service, S&M can be the sexual side but combination can be holistic.

I took the time to look at some of the fetishes a little closer. I seem to be interested in more than I thought. I also looked at some definitions and read some groups. The posting in the group are very helpful. I wouldn't have thought of the questions but I read and learn. Tonight I went through some groups. Tomorrow I will have to look at the threads in some of the new groups.
One thread talked about munchies vs play parties. I've been to a munch and I think I need to attend a couple more. Hopefully I will plan to go to a play party sometime during the summer. Its nice to know I don't have to go to a play party and play...I can just sit and watch. Thats a good thing for a novice.

I read a thread that discussed the difference between Sub and Slave which was interesting but it became even clearer to me why I'm a Sub. I don't trust anyone enough to give myself fully. At one time I wanted to give total and complete control to someone but it was just thrown back in my face. My needs and wants are just as important as my dom's and mine shouldn't be over looked as they have been. So since I'm submissive by nature but not able to give complete control to someone else, I'm a Sub.

I'm reading posts from groups, finding new websites which are blog sites but have a lot of information and talking to individuals. The information is helping me to see that I was submissive but no one has appreciated the gift that i wanted to give.

My submissiveness is innate. Its always been there and will always be. I just hide it with a rough exterior. My submissiveness has allowed me to be used. This brings my guard up when entering new relationships. I always need to be on guard cuz everyone just wants something. This is an attitude that I need to work to release. Yes, some may have alternate reasons to get to know me but some are honest and genuine with their intents. I need to do a better job at paying attention; after all I'm a trained professional in human nature.

I had a conversation with another submissive who pointed out I don't need discipline, I need control. I'm not a bad child that needs a spanking. I'm an adult female who needs control in my life. I have offered but it wasn't accepted. I'm always told we will talk about it but that conversation never takes place. In reality, no real conversations ever takes place. My needs, wants, concerns and hurt feeling are all brushed off as "small stuff". My intelligence and abilities are not even considered apart of the equation.

I want to live a D/s relationship 24/7. I want to be with someone that wants what I have to offer. I want to experientment and explore. I want to take care of someone. I want to fix dinner and do home projects. I want to go out to dinner and to the movies. I want to be able just to walk around the store.

I will still continue to search for information. It can only help me be a better submissive when finally given the chance.