Fear of Failing

I wrote this as part of an email. "Whats missing is a lil harder to explain. I've observed interactions between D/s and M/s couples but haven't experienced. I really haven't experienced any real play either. I've felt alots of new sensations but nothing as severe as what i have read in some of the blogs i follow. I dont know if I can do it but i also don't have a Dom or Master to explore fully. I'm afraid i can't do what is needed and will again have another failed relationship in a lifestyle i don't want to fail in. I've had disasterous relationships in the vanilla world."

I had made a statement about something missing within my learning and he was asking for an explanation. The above was what I wrote. I have thought a lot about where I want to go and what has held me back and I realized its the fear of failing and the unknown. I think I could actually live in a D/s or M/s relationship with little problem or need for discipline. I want to please.

What concerns me is I have never experienced anything extreme. No one has ever pushed me or been willing to fulfil my fantansies. I don't know how to express my needs and I don't trust because no one has been worthy of being trusted. So far they have all placed themselves above anything else with little care or concern for me. They make statements and fail to follow through which gives the appearance of lying.

When meeting Sir and Ma'am, they seemed very different. I was very impressed and felt very comfortable. Another concern was could I submit to a female and after meeting Ma'am, I think I could. They have similar values as I, like-minded. But the question is can I handle some of the activities...ie: pain.

I think I'm going to ask how I can earn a place in their household. I believe this would be the next step for me in my learning process. I need to belong.

A Night of Firsts

Exploring and meeting people are apart of finding what one seeks. In my case, it is helping me to figure out what I seek. "What do you seek" was a question that was ask several times during my meeting with Sir and Ma'am. Sir ask several times through out the evening so its a question that I have given some serious thought too since. I told Sir that I didn't know what I was seeking. I think he was making reference to our meeting but I still don't know what I was seeking.

I have struggled with the thought of being involved with such a strong couple. As they pointed out, we are like minded. I have confidence in what I'm familiar with but what is unknown is a different. I just don't want to make someone think that I can do something and not be able to follow through. I guess I should actually say I don't want to fail. I feel like I have failed at so many other things that this is one thing that I don't want to feel that way with. Everything is so new, I just don't know where to turn or what to do any more.

However, I do believe that our first meeting was a great success. We enjoyed each others company. I was taken to dinner and had several drinks which was a pleasant change from what normally happens when I meet someone.

A couple of firsts happened for me. I was fisted. Sir attempted but it hurt. Ma'am stated I was to use my safe words, yellow to slow down and red to stop. I used both and Sir stopped. Ma'am then attempted and was successful. She stated I took her fist and didn't appear to have a problem. I then stated I had never been fisted before.

Sir ask for his belt and it was provided. Sir then proceeded to whip me. This is also a first cuz that has never happened before. It wasn't bad but did sting a couple of times. It also stung when my pussy was hit. I don't think he was hitting even half as hard as he could have but it was a beginning. Of course, I was wiggling. I think he told me to hold still but can't really remember.

Each time I think I have found good sex, someone comes along that is better. Sir is not different. He fucked me how I have always wanted to be fucked but the others wouldn't listen. I didn't even have to say anything to him. Ma'am was rubbing my clit for a while. Then she was told to comfort me and she did that by rubbing my arms, back, laying her hand on mine and generally laying near me. I don't think I really needed comforting but it was nice. Also when I was told to beg and I stated I didn't know how, she was there to help me. Another first. Oh...it seems like I have been missing so much.

Sir made a statement in my ear "I know where you're at". I think I know what he meant but don't know for sure. I think he realized exactly how inexperienced I am which makes me wonder if that is good or bad. My inexperience can put me at a disadvantage or pave the way for someone to train. Sir also stated "you're trainable".

With the experience being good, I must say I was a little uncomfortable with "me" at the beginning. Sir and Ma'am both stated I didn't look anything like my pics and I was beautiful. Being told that I'm beautiful is something that I find hard to accept. I see myself as passable, not beautiful or ugly. I have some qualities that I feel are good which I also believe have been noticed. I don't have any fashion sense. I missed a large part of my female education but I guess I'm never too old to learn.

One nice thing, our meeting was a no strings meeting. We talked. They provided a lot of encouragement and information.

Making a connection

It seems as if I have been doing alot of thinking about alot of things. I've read alot of blogs about BDSM, D/s relationship, being submissive, ect...I think everyone gets the picture. Some talk about service, some about their individual experiences and then the separation of sex and playing and/or playing and sex. Well once you really look, the information is just amazing.

Ok...what I have been thinking about is what I'm looking for in a Dom and my potential service. I know that a Dom's needs are important when in service. An attribute of submissiveness is the sub's selflessness. However, in the same aspect, the Dom needs to show the sub that their needs are important because it helps to develop trust for play time. As a sub, how can I know I'm going to be cared for during play if my needs and wellbeing aren't acknowledged in general.

For me, apart of learning to trust a new individual is based in their follow through. If I'm told they are going to do something, do they actually do it. It has been my experience that there is no follow through. Believe it or not, its with the simplest of things...a phone call...text...some form of communication. When I'm told they will get back with me...I just don't expect it to happen. That way I'm not disappointed when its a days or weeks later before contact is again made. I do make several attempts to contact but if no response then I can say I have attempted. I also know this isn't the person I'm meant to go past playing with.

Maybe I should also define what I consider play. Since most of my activities are sexually based, when I talk about playing I mean sex. Most who approach me that state they are doms only want to fuck...sorry for being blunt but its the truth. They really don't have any knowledge of dominating someone else besides in the bed. Now you may think I'm making a generalization but this has been my experience.

The person I'm looking for will see my selflessness and will look at me as a whole person. He will help me shift from being in total control to releasing control so that I may grow into the submissive that I'm capable of being. He will make me feel safe and secure. I will know when I find him.

Post this week

I posted a question in two groups this week. MK offered a training collar when I told him I wasn't being challenged or limits pushed. I posted in a Mentors grp and Submissive Women. The Mentors grp got a lively response.

I don't think I really understood the role of mentor but from the groups response, I think its a littl clearer. He really isn't my mentor, he's a play partner. I don't think he is seeing it this way but I think its a discussion we need to have because that is the way I now see it.

Most of the group believes that he shouldn't be mentoring me because its inappropriate for a Dominate to mentor a submissive. The thought is mentoring should occur between like status...submissive to submissive or Dominate to Dominate. This actually makes since to me.

Alot of responses actually spoke to my question about a training collar. The responses were from both sides. However, as one suggested, a training collar is for training with the idea that this person is going to be the dominate or Master. That isn't the case for MK and I. I wanted to experince and he was willing to help in that area. I have since experienced bondage, knife play and wax. But I'm wondering if I should hold off on any further exploration. I'm also wondering if I should request he remove me from his protection and as his mentor.

When he offered the training collar it spooked me a lil. I view collaring regardless of type as a serious committment. I also don't want to be trained. I believe my training should be left up to the Dominate that I will be with and any collars received should also come from that Dominate.

Thinking

Well, I don't really know how to title this blog. So I will have to give it some thought while I'm writing.

I participated in another scene today. Originally, I didn't believe the play time I was participating in was actually a scene. I thought it was just me trying new things but a couple of doms told me they believed it to be a scene. I just thought a scene was on a more larger scale some how. Oh well, you live and learn.

So I went for another scene. This time hot wax was dropped on my back and ass. Then he used several knives to remove. When he was dripping the wax it was a stinging sensation. However, he did manage to hit a couple of sensative areas which caused me to say "oww". I was told "remember oww isn't a safe word". I said I knew and that we had discussed using red. Only the conversation wasn't that smooth. I was a lil distracted so I was attempting to form thoughts between sensations. It was really relaxing. It didn't really provide any sexual stimulation like being bound but I felt relaxed. It sounds really weird.

I have wondered if some activities could provide some stress relief. I think when I'm pissed if I was spanked or flogged it just might release some of the anger that I'm feeling. However, usually if I'm pissed, no one wants to be around me and I tend to isolate so I don't go off and say something that I don't really mean.

I recently stated I wasn't being challenged or my limits pushed. I been ask what I mean by this. Well, I've been provided with a few assignments that have caused me to think but not really challenge my abilities. Because of my schedule, I have rushed and provided the required information but haven't used my abilities to their fullest potential. I know this but those reading feel that I have done a good job. Maybe I'm being over critical of myself.

As for pushing my limits, I have tried a few things but I have not reached the level of loosing control. I read blogs of other submissives and slaves which describe subspace and situations leaving ones mind blank. Those levels of consciousness are amazing to me and I want to see if I could reach one of them. Actually, I wonder if I already have. I passed out the first time I was placed in rope. I felt like I was in a dream state. However, when I was moved to remove the ropes, I first felt confused and disoriented. Then after a few seconds, recognition returned.

I don't feel my body reacting or becoming overwhelmed but it does become to concentrate on verbal communication. Am I paying so much attention to the sensation I'm experiencing that I forget to pay attention to my body. The reason I say this is because I know I pass out or become light headed with heat. But the night of my first scene, the room didn't seem overly warm until I got dizzy. And the last time I remember passing out from heat, I didn't feel dizzy. I just woke to people standing over me attempting to revive. Plus I remember feeling weak for a while after. The night of my first scene, I didn't feel week after. I felt relaxed. But could having ropes put on you with your hands bound behind your create this level of semi-consciousness? I wouldn't think so but I still can't explain what happened.

I have to admit that I enjoyed being taken care of. Actually having someone else see that I'm safe in a sense. Now I'm also thinking about how I like being taken care during my sexual interactions with my first blk man. He would blind fold me to make me dependent on him during our time together. Those thoughts lead me to wonder if our time together could be classified as scenes?

Thinking just leads to more questions.

MK and I were having a discussion today and it was about me requesting to be challenged and limits pushed. I realize when I participate in a conversation that touches on what I want, I have some difficulty expressing myself. Believe me this is unusual and isn't normally a problem, I'm very expressive. I would even say I'm embarrassed because during these type of conversations, I avoid eye contact. I'm not use to expressing my needs. No one ever really ask but I know what I want. I'm hesitant to tell someone else and I think that is cause I don't know how they will react. Maybe its the vanilla in me coming out...who knows.

Sub Frenzy

Ok...At the beginning of the year, I accepted that I was submissive. I found some readings and information that helped me to relate what I had been feeling and doing as qualities of being a submissive. However, my submissive nature has helped some individuals to take advantage of me. This abuse has created a wall that prevents most from seeing my true nature and keeps those at arms length.

Most that approach, don't have the desire or strength to break that wall and see the true woman that lies beneath. Because I give attitude and I'm a smart mouth, they don't see my true nature and then become negative and counter productive. Most that claim to be dominates are truely not. I also get the feeling that some become intimidated because I don't immediately bow to their will. They don't see my intelligience and assume that I am weak and stupid. They are so far from the truth. I degress...lol

The reason I feel I'm within the throws of sub frenzy is I'm inpatient to experience. I have become bored with reading and attempting to figure out the mean of everything. I want to experience what I am reading about. I want to experience the different fetishes. I want to know what I like and don't like. I want to see if I'm capable of surrendering and able to achieve subspace.

I don't want to be trained or collared because I feel those things should be left for the person that I choose to be my Dominate.

Thoughts

Earlier today I was thinking about writing about me and what I'm looking for and other miscellaneous items. But after my interaction with Mk, I think I need to write my thoughts to attempt to clear things in my mind.

I told him I wasn't feeling challenged, limits not pushed and I needed motivated. He stated that meant a power exchange which we didn't have an agreement for. He said as a mentor he could explore with me but not push my limits or request things from me. He stated he had a suggestion that would, in his mind, benefit both of us. He suggested a training collar. I very hesitant. He than ask what the difference was between a collar and mentoring. He also spoke about several potential assignments like finding out about different types of collaring and uses, checking out the information on albanypowerexchange.com and reading the Ethical Slut.

In my opinion, a collar is a symbol such as a wedding ring. This is how albany power exchange views it also. The site also talks about a deep relationship, love, trust and devotion. The site spoke of a ceremony and being owned. I don't want to be owned at this time. I care for MK but I don't love him nor do I have that starry eyed devotion that I should feel if I'm going to make that level of committment. Plus I keep thinking, he has his primary. I want the same level of devotation and care for me which isn't really possible because that person already exists.

MK says the training collar could be for 6 months or less but this still goes against what I believe is meant for the collar. I'm not experienced. I don't want to be limited at this time. I don't want to be owned. I want to explore and meet Dominates. I want to find that person that I can be totally devoted too, to be starry eyed.

This may sound weird but I will feel a connection with the man that I choose to totally submit too. I don't feel that connection with anyone right now. It maybe because of my break up and hurt feelings. Even though I have decided to move on, I still have alot of hurt and mistrust steming from my last 2 relationships.

I have been hidden and ignored while the other women in my last 2 exs lives have been acknowledged and very much out in the public. A couple of men recently have proclaimed to love me but I go days without hearing from them, my needs and life isn't important to them.

Yesterday, someone referred to submissives as "attention whores". I find this funny cuz it totally doesn't describe me but I can see where it would other submissives. Only I say they are borderline personality which i don't get along with. This might be why I really can't tolerate many.