Emotions...

I'm sitting here experiencing a variety of emotions and I don't really have anyone to talk too. I don't think anyone really understands what I feel or I go through.

For the last 2 days, I have been excited. Things were going smoothly and I decided to approach a Top with a request of a scene at a party I plan to attend. The request was well received and negotiations began. I can't really say why I chose this particular Top but we interacted well and he is totally involved with the community which gives me a level of security. He also encouraged me to contact his partner and I chatted with her also. Another person of interest also established some open communication and tentative plans were made.

But instead of leaving me alone as I have requested, my stalker had to make her presence known. She posted in a group that she never has and stated an interest in attending a function. She didn't do it to attend, she did it to agitate me and put a damper on my excitement. She has made her presence known a couple time in the last couple of weeks but has been blocked. She made an inappropriate post which was removed. She posted in another group so that I would see her profile pic which was of her playing with my play partner. She doesn't know what is going on between us but since he isn't speaking to her, she feels the need to interfere with what is going on in my life. Yes, I've blasted her in several of my post which was more venting but I thought she would take the hit.

I've moved on. She is not important to me, my plans or future. She may have figured out that I was correct, S was using her for her car. Since she wrecked her's, he hasn't been around. She is unable to accept that he wasn't happy with her and doesn't want her type. Yes, I know what is going on. What she doesn't know is I'm the one that he cares about. I'm the one he wants to see and spend time with, not her. I know how to act in public, I don't embarrass him. His family enjoys being around me. I have no desire to bring attention to myself by fucking all his friends and family that present.

He wanted a poly relationship with the both of us but she only wanted to control him. She wanted to say that her hard limit was saying who he could be with. She doesn't understand limits, protocols or anything about the lifestyle which is why men probably keep finding different partners.

As I explained to him, I wanted to provide him with reliable information from community leaders, not those that have questionable characters. I was wanting his reputation to be solid with no doubt from those in the community. Just because an individual states they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years doesn't mean anything. I would question what have you done in those 20 years to prove you were trustworthy. As I have stated before, individuals who are involved in the community and have others with knowledge of said individual are more creditable than those that have a lot of words but no actions. This is apart of being safe in this lifestyle.

I would rather be over cautious then to end up severely injured. I understand accidents happen but sometimes they can be avoided.

OK...I think my roller coaster ride is over...Sorry for the ramble but had to get it out. This is my safe place to vent.

Figured out

Ok...now that I'm done laughing my ass off at the borderline bitch that wants to stalk me. I have been thinking about my negotiations. I have determined that I'm a sensualist. I love the feel of rope and enjoy several other sensations.

Here is my email to the person I have ask to be the Dominant in the scene, the beginning of my negotiations.

"Well, I've been thinking. I would like to possibly be suspended, I was suspended once before. I'm also a sensualist. I don't know what my limits are but my experience is limited. I've tried the following sensations once: whartenburg wheel, clothes pins, rubber bands, candle wax, knives (scrapping the wax off), vampire glove, inflatable butt plug and small canes. I was also flogged once. I've been tied up a couple of times. Oh...I also love electric. I've had the opportunity to play with a violent wand on several occasions.

The first time I was tied up, everything was going good. My hands and arms were tied behind my back. He started to take the rope between my legs and I started to feel as if I was going to pass out. I got really hot and dizzy. I actually did go into a dream state but was aroused out by the couple that I was with. The feeling really shocked me.

I usually have trust issues and don't fully relax. I don't know how to explain this, my mind has a hard time releasing contol.

Ok...limits...no bodily fluids. I haven't much experience with pain but do have a high tolerance. I also like hair pulling and ass smacking. I'm thinking a combination of things; bondage, suspension, maybe flogging. Throw in some wax scrapped off with a knife and maybe a vibrator...

I'm still in the exploring stage can you tell.

I want to thank you. I'm impressed by your participation in the community and how we interacted for the short period in the hot tub."

I'm still waiting to hear from the fire person but I have sent an email. I was told I could have a scene so I hope there will be time.

I'm so excited. I have wanted to participate in public but have only observed. The group that is sponsoring the event is great and has a lot of friendly and welcoming people. I feel safe participating in this atmosphere. This is going to be a great night. I'm going to be so anxious until the night is actually here and over.

OMG

OMG...I have to laugh...stalker is planning to walk to Columbus for a party. She is also making these plans with a person that she considers her Dom. The real funny part, she didn't tell him. She is making plans with no intent to really do it, just to agitate me. I'm laughing my ass off.

I know she is reading this as is many of her friends. No I'm this is just paranoia, its actually true. She won't respond to anything because her comments won't be seen. So she goes about her underhandedness, sneaking around several groups attempting to create trouble. I laugh at all her attempts and pity that her life is so boring that the only thing she is capable of doing is stalking.

FYI: stalking is illegal. Be careful not to get caught.

Another Thinking Night

Oh...I hate not being able to sleep. I'm tired and I haven't been feeling well but sleep still evades me...so I sit her with my mind jumping from topic to topic, wondering but not regretting my actions of the past.

A lot of men have attempted to say they were Dominant and I had to submit which hasn't worked for them at all. They have wanted to tame me, break me or change me with no success. Then they have moved on with their lies and empty promises to the next unsuspecting female.

I'm really not that difficult to get along with. I believe if an individual is going to make a statement, they should follow through with action. Just saying the words is meaningless and does nothing to develop trust or strengthen the bond needed for two individuals to succeed.

I don't believe most have taken the time to see the real me. The funny thing is those that I have an online relationship with has taken the time to know me and even love me. They care what is going on with me and even worry about me. Time and space has prevented us from having face to face time and develop the physical relationship.

What's really funny are the ones that state I'm crazy and I'm chasing them when its the opposite is true. They players who think they have game and won't get caught. However, they have a pattern and I happen to pay attention enough to see it. When I have determined that relationship doesn't meet my needs, I take my dignity and wounded heart away to heal. I don't look back. I don't follow their various pages on the different social networks. I don't call or text. I don't email. What do I do? I delete everything, pictures, phone number and email so to help me forget and move on.

I am human and do at times wonder if they are alright and found happiness. This is because I did have a caring relationship on my part but I also know that contacting them wouldn't help either of us. I walked away for a reason. I have a code that I live by. I have dignity and respect for myself even if they didn't.

However, the men would disagree. They would say that I didn't walk away because they have to uphold their masculinity. They couldn't have been the problem because its always the woman. This is especially true when it is revealed to their next conquest that they continue to seek me out. I know what is the truth and if they chose to build their foundation on lies that is on them.

On to the future...woohoo!

Negotiating

I'm currently negotiating for 2 scenes at March Madness. A rope and fire scene so my first public scenes will actually be a few months earlier than originally planned.

I'm so excited...more details to come.

Acceptance with Hope

I think there comes a time in a person's life when they accept what has been given to them. For me, its being the lone matriarch in a family. I think this is what gives me strength to continue.

I tried to satisfy the needs of my partners but I have never been a priority. So when traps have been set to keep in me in my place, I have been able to problem solve and continue to thrive without any assistance. Because of this strength, I have realized I will not submit just because I'm told. Also, I will not stop doing what I have done so well, resolve any issues or problems that I'm faced with.

When I'm overwhelmed, I don't always think clearly and may react with anger. But once things have calmed, I'm rested and able to think, the irrational thoughts are replaced with rational.

Everyone has a level of drama in their lives whether it be personally or professionally; however, I have found more than my share with the men I have chosen to spend time with. Each began by telling me that they "are not like the rest". The fact is with time patterns show and each are like those they stated they weren't. I'm told they are honest but their dishonesty slowly revealed. While in your presence, they tell lies to another. For me, I begin to think, what is he lying to be about? Another thing is those that lie aren't able to keep track of their lies. When confronted, they tell you "that wasn't what was said" or "I did tell you about that".

I degrees. Acceptance, I have come to accept that I will be strength to my family and friends but I won't be the one to have someone for strength. Oh, my friends will be there to provide need emotional support during a crisis, but I won't have the one special person to hold my hand and tell me everything will be OK.

Partners will come and they will go. Of course, their going will be my decision. I will try to work at a relationship whether casual or committed, but will realize that it is one sided and I'm looking for something that is two sided. I have hope that someone special will appear and not be like the rest but I have accepted that he currently isn't present.

Maybe tomorrow he will make his presence known to me. But tonight, I go to bed alone.

This was a response in a Fetlife group: Dominant Men that like Submissive Women with Dominant Personalities. It goes along with the quote I posted yesterday. There were some great responses but I thought this one was the most profound.

The beginning of the thread was posted by Piercednwilling: "As I search and search for a submissive woman... I have yet to find one who can live up to my standards. It disappoints me. It saddens me really. So pathetic that you can't even do what your told, when your told to do it. And how do you react when you get punished for your fuck ups? You whine and whimper and complain. When will you learn that its not about what you want. It's what your domme wants! Its a shame really.."

Response from Colodom: "Interesting that you're writing in the group for Dominant Men that Like Submissive Women with Dominant Personalities. From your brief comments it doesn't appear you comprehend what that means. Granted, I only have a few brief comments on which to judge my remarks. But, I've rarely seen any woman, submissive or otherwise, and especially not submissives with dominant personalities, who respond well to barking orders and being told what they want or think doesn't matter. Just because a woman is a sub doesn't mean she's mindless or without feelings. IMHO and experience, submissive women with dominant personalities respond much more favorably to men who quietly and calmly direct their life than they do to the "on your knees and start sucking bitch," type of person. The "I don't care what you think/want" type of dominant is a mostly non-existent stereotype of a dominant. And the "I don't care a whit for myself, I just want to be treated like shit" submissive is equally a stereotype. Successful D/s relationships are built on respect for the Dom , and yes, for the sub as well. Recognize what she's giving to the D/s relationship and you'll find youself with a much more compliant and happy sub. Or, don't you care what she thinks?

Try intellectually overcoming her, not yelling. Try feeding her needs and calmly insisting on a certain standard of behavior, instead of barking orders. Try listening to her and then letting her know why you believe your way is better/best. You'll get the submissive you seek when you earn it, not by claiming you're entitled to it.

My sub will do most anything I tell her, and she is a woman (not a "bitch" or a "cunt", and certainly not "pathetic") with a very dominant personality. Yet, she submits to me, sexually, in the bdsm realm and in our private, vanilla life, because she respects and wants to please me, not because she gets yelled at or told she's worthless.

Being a Dom is a lot more than yelling, cursing and beatings."

It would be nice if some of the newbies would seek assistance from those with experience and insight instead of those with questionable characters.