I've started the search for a Dominate yet again. I'm speaking with several who have been very thought provoking.
LV actually contacted me with the intention of chatting about my tat. During the conversation, we decided to take it further. He ask me "why you want to serve anyone" and "what does service do for you'. I couldn't really answer these questions. He told me that I had to focus on me, not the other person. This is a really new concept for me. I'm so use to focusing on everyone else, I'm afraid I lost me.
We also discussed wants and needs. I stated I wanted a Dominate and I'm beginning to believe this may be more of a need instead of a want. Also, I didn't realize that being a submissive is a burden. I'm asking someone else to make decisions that affect me. Its like raising my children and I never thought of it that way.
I'm looking forward to this new exploration. I have been so set on exploring the physical side that I didn't consider anything else.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas
I wanted to take a minute and wish all my fellow bloggers and followers a safe and Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Feeling
I'm sitting here trying to determine exactly how I feel. I don't feel a loss as I have in the past but I feel as if I'm missing something. I don't really know how to fix it because I have no intention of just giving myself blindly to anyone. I also have no intention of being a doormat.
At times, I wonder if my standards are just too high. I think I had a great long distance relationship but I needed to feel him. Experience things with him but that was possible because of life situations. I had a play partner that wanted to dominate me but had made too many mistakes and trust was lost. So now I wonder where things will go.
Over all the year has been a good kink year. I attended a couple of events. I have been able to explore my bi side a little further. I have made some really supportive friends in the lifestyle. I also had the opportunity to explore a couple of more sensations. I'm hoping to continue my growth and learning. I also hope to find someone that I can be comfortable with to help with my exploration of the physical side.
At times, I wonder if my standards are just too high. I think I had a great long distance relationship but I needed to feel him. Experience things with him but that was possible because of life situations. I had a play partner that wanted to dominate me but had made too many mistakes and trust was lost. So now I wonder where things will go.
Over all the year has been a good kink year. I attended a couple of events. I have been able to explore my bi side a little further. I have made some really supportive friends in the lifestyle. I also had the opportunity to explore a couple of more sensations. I'm hoping to continue my growth and learning. I also hope to find someone that I can be comfortable with to help with my exploration of the physical side.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Today
I'm struggling with who I am and how to explore finding myself. It seems everywhere I turn, someone is being over critical and judgmental of my actions, beliefs, statements and opinions. For a lifestyle that is to be open-minded and show a higher level of freedom, I'm finding a lot of very closed minded with no general information about what they are choosing. I knew they existed but they seem to be flocking to my life.
I have come to accept my submissive nature but I get the feeling no one else does. Most have seen the dominate aggressive side and can't believe that I'm a natural submissive. I believe part of my aggression comes from my mood disorder and past life experiences that others aren't aware.
I have ordered several books. I've read one that had a lot of good information and I've started on the second. I have also enrolled in an e-course to help me explore. But this doesn't help with the area that I would really like to explore, the physical side of BDSM. I have had the opportunity to experience a few sensations and hope to continue a little deeper with a few.
I have come to accept my submissive nature but I get the feeling no one else does. Most have seen the dominate aggressive side and can't believe that I'm a natural submissive. I believe part of my aggression comes from my mood disorder and past life experiences that others aren't aware.
I have ordered several books. I've read one that had a lot of good information and I've started on the second. I have also enrolled in an e-course to help me explore. But this doesn't help with the area that I would really like to explore, the physical side of BDSM. I have had the opportunity to experience a few sensations and hope to continue a little deeper with a few.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Simply Amazed
I'm totally baffled by today's events. My play partner went from stating "I don't want a relationship...I'm not in a relationship" to "I'm a Dom/Top, your topping from the bottom" all because I'm vocal about my displeasure in his sub cyber stalking me and attempting to damage my reputation not only in the lifestyle but professionally.
He also stated I haven't done a real scene because I have not played in public. And since I have only "attempted" at play with him, I haven't deserved aftercare because I didn't go to sub space. All this information was provided from Doms at a play party that endorses subs that follow no protocols. We attended two play parties where he didn't question any Doms about our situation.
In the 8 months that I was seeing him, our relationship was to be strictly sexual. However, he stopped having sex. When I he was attracted to me, he stated he was only stressed out by life's events. But today, I received the following email "Fuck you you crazy bitch I am most happy to get off your bullshit ride we have been on.I hope you find what ever it is your cazy ass is looking for.I would'nt do the things you wanted b/c I knew you was fuckin nuts.an it would only be a matter time before would dismiss yourself.you are your own problem if you that your pride an put it in back of you some more people might like you.beside wendy an shawn.I know a long time ago you would never work out.an the main reason I did,'nt fuck you is because you suck at that too.so if you want me to say who is better let's see who am I with.an you are with who oh yea I forgot you need someone to say your rite all the time".
The only thing I wanted was from him is to protect me from his cyber stalking sub. He didn't even believe me until she indirectly admitted it 6 months later. But I'm topping from the bottom. Oh and I had to address the issue of her slanderous statements in 2 different groups on Fetlife.
When I informed him that I didn't trust him, he stated he couldn't trust me not to call the police. Don't know where this came from, I never even threatened too. I did tell him my fantasy was to be forced but I didn't expect him to fulfill it. I thought it was just a conversation between two individuals that were friends and like-minded. Boy I was wrong.
Oh...I did tell him I'm Bipolar and I had concerns with sub drop. Also informed him that I would not be dominated any place other than the bedroom. I thought I was speaking English but I guess I was wrong.
I can say it another chapter is closed. No one wants to be with another who isn't interested or is dishonest. Or who confuses vanilla with this potentially freaky lifestyle that has endless possibilities.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
My First Flogging
I had wanted to be flogged but it always seemed intimidating. But I have to say, I loved it. I should have let it go longer but I had a schedule that needed to be maintained. This was somewhat of an impromptu flogging.
I had bought S a flogger at the fetish play party. I was his target the few swings while at the party just to see which one he actually wanted. I had hoped to experience it at the motel but we were able to kidnap a very beautiful woman. So things were side tracked...lol
Then while at my house, there were just too many people. I did think we may get some play in after most left the house but that didn't pan out either. So my frustration boiled over which he could tell. We didn't talk for most of the drive to his house.
He then called me to the basement. When he called, I figured he was going to attempt something, especially after my tantrum. He wasn't as prepared as he would have been if we would have had more time.
He ordered me to remove my clothing. He tied my hands to some supports in the basement. He then stated he had planned to do this and the reason it needed to be at his house. He gave a couple of more orders which I complied with then I felt the first stroke. He continued to give more strokes and talk. At one point, he stopped to rub my body. Oh did that feel good. I love having my body touched. I could also feel my pussy was extremely wet. He continued the flogging. I began dancing which prompted two sharp hits. One for dancing and the other for making him wait. There was a couple more strokes, I then stated I was done. I was concerned with the time.
He then began to rub my body which included the clit. While my arms were still secure, he decided to slid his dick in...oh it felt so good. My arms were released and I was told to get on all fours.
Later when we talked, we both agreed we liked flogging. I told him I probably stopped it before I should have. He stated he liked the flogger and flogging me. I believe he plans another flogging session when I return. I hope its soon.
I had bought S a flogger at the fetish play party. I was his target the few swings while at the party just to see which one he actually wanted. I had hoped to experience it at the motel but we were able to kidnap a very beautiful woman. So things were side tracked...lol
Then while at my house, there were just too many people. I did think we may get some play in after most left the house but that didn't pan out either. So my frustration boiled over which he could tell. We didn't talk for most of the drive to his house.
He then called me to the basement. When he called, I figured he was going to attempt something, especially after my tantrum. He wasn't as prepared as he would have been if we would have had more time.
He ordered me to remove my clothing. He tied my hands to some supports in the basement. He then stated he had planned to do this and the reason it needed to be at his house. He gave a couple of more orders which I complied with then I felt the first stroke. He continued to give more strokes and talk. At one point, he stopped to rub my body. Oh did that feel good. I love having my body touched. I could also feel my pussy was extremely wet. He continued the flogging. I began dancing which prompted two sharp hits. One for dancing and the other for making him wait. There was a couple more strokes, I then stated I was done. I was concerned with the time.
He then began to rub my body which included the clit. While my arms were still secure, he decided to slid his dick in...oh it felt so good. My arms were released and I was told to get on all fours.
Later when we talked, we both agreed we liked flogging. I told him I probably stopped it before I should have. He stated he liked the flogger and flogging me. I believe he plans another flogging session when I return. I hope its soon.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Fetish Play Party
We decided to attend a Fetish Play Party in Pittsburgh. It was absolutely great once we found the location. I had become frustrated because I had gotten lost in Pittsburgh again. But once arriving, it was great.
After giving the club a once over, we went to look at the toys available. A handcuff was placed on my wrist but there was an issue with removing it. Later, it was discovered that the key was broke so the cuff wasn't defective.
We than met my online friend face to face. Cherry was great and enthusiastic. She stated several times that she was a sub but she enjoyed torturing a few of the male gender. She came dressed as a dominatrix. She stated over and over "I really am a sub". We both described her as a switch.
There was talk of kidnapping her which she wasn't against. However, she was waiting to see if her current interest was going to show up.The dirty talked continued for the entire evening. There were a few spankings which caused her pussy to become soaking. We all continued to touch and talk. Her interest finally stated he would not be arriving so she decided we were not to be passed up. It might have also been her being brought to the brink of organism while sitting at the bar.
Because of the anticipation, she insisted we go to her home instead of our motel room. She stated "I'm 15 minutes away". All I can say is "WOW...what a ride"! Cherry sitting in front decided she wanted to play with my tits so pulled the right one out and began sucking. She was also rubbing and pulling on the nipple. She didn't exclude the left one. S was in the back sit and I believe he began to play with her. She removed her blouse and bra then reclined her seat. S was torturing her nipples than began to finger bang her. Cherry had a grip on my right tit and as she began to orgasm, she dug her nails in. I continued to have to ask for directions and she was so distracted. She took us down the busiest street. She began to moan loud and then I heard a very familiar sound, that of a female squirting. Passerbys' attention was drawn to the car where they saw a female with her legs up on the windshield and tits out. She was so totally unaware of anyone around her.
When arriving to her apartment, she was worried about her skirt riding up and not the fact that her tits were out. Once on the sidewalk, there was a very stunned pizza delivery man. I don't think he believed that there would be a half naked female walking in front of him.
At first, she and I began to play while S sat on the couch and watched. She kisses extremely good and topped me which I didn't think would ever happen. I enjoyed her rubbing all over my body. My breast were red and had little nail marks all over them.
S got up and began to undress which was a mistake. When he took off his pants, it was very apparent that he liked the scene. Cherry could site of the hard dick standing at attention and wanted to feel it. We both began to lick and suck the dick together. She pushed me down on the couch with her on top of me while S slid the dick in. I could tell she was enjoying herself. Positions were switched to her riding. She stated several times that I was the devil. S was able to make her squirt several more times so not only did she soak my car seat but her floor.
She was thoroughly exhausted and needed to lay on the floor for several moments. She was told he wouldn't cum and could stay hard for hours but didn't believe either of us. He caused her to "tap out" as he would say.
I had told her he wanted to be shared. She had said it had been awhile and most were average. I tried to tell her, he was larger than average and would not cum. He ask if we could keep her and stated he hoped he hadn't broke her. She stated she wanted to keep me. I think she also wants to keep him at least for the time being.
She did want to see him fuck me so I proceeded to ride him. She said several times "you can take it all". We switched positions so that she could see the power of his strong stroke. Of course, he also made me squirt. We then worked to get him off.
It was more the 3sum that we (S and I) were looking for. He did have a desire to watch a little longer but I think the next time will be satisfactory to all involved. This was a great beginning.
I felt a little inadequate because of my lack of experience. I really didn't know what to do. I tried to follow her lead but next time I hope I can please her as she had me.
After giving the club a once over, we went to look at the toys available. A handcuff was placed on my wrist but there was an issue with removing it. Later, it was discovered that the key was broke so the cuff wasn't defective.
We than met my online friend face to face. Cherry was great and enthusiastic. She stated several times that she was a sub but she enjoyed torturing a few of the male gender. She came dressed as a dominatrix. She stated over and over "I really am a sub". We both described her as a switch.
There was talk of kidnapping her which she wasn't against. However, she was waiting to see if her current interest was going to show up.The dirty talked continued for the entire evening. There were a few spankings which caused her pussy to become soaking. We all continued to touch and talk. Her interest finally stated he would not be arriving so she decided we were not to be passed up. It might have also been her being brought to the brink of organism while sitting at the bar.
Because of the anticipation, she insisted we go to her home instead of our motel room. She stated "I'm 15 minutes away". All I can say is "WOW...what a ride"! Cherry sitting in front decided she wanted to play with my tits so pulled the right one out and began sucking. She was also rubbing and pulling on the nipple. She didn't exclude the left one. S was in the back sit and I believe he began to play with her. She removed her blouse and bra then reclined her seat. S was torturing her nipples than began to finger bang her. Cherry had a grip on my right tit and as she began to orgasm, she dug her nails in. I continued to have to ask for directions and she was so distracted. She took us down the busiest street. She began to moan loud and then I heard a very familiar sound, that of a female squirting. Passerbys' attention was drawn to the car where they saw a female with her legs up on the windshield and tits out. She was so totally unaware of anyone around her.
When arriving to her apartment, she was worried about her skirt riding up and not the fact that her tits were out. Once on the sidewalk, there was a very stunned pizza delivery man. I don't think he believed that there would be a half naked female walking in front of him.
At first, she and I began to play while S sat on the couch and watched. She kisses extremely good and topped me which I didn't think would ever happen. I enjoyed her rubbing all over my body. My breast were red and had little nail marks all over them.
S got up and began to undress which was a mistake. When he took off his pants, it was very apparent that he liked the scene. Cherry could site of the hard dick standing at attention and wanted to feel it. We both began to lick and suck the dick together. She pushed me down on the couch with her on top of me while S slid the dick in. I could tell she was enjoying herself. Positions were switched to her riding. She stated several times that I was the devil. S was able to make her squirt several more times so not only did she soak my car seat but her floor.
She was thoroughly exhausted and needed to lay on the floor for several moments. She was told he wouldn't cum and could stay hard for hours but didn't believe either of us. He caused her to "tap out" as he would say.
I had told her he wanted to be shared. She had said it had been awhile and most were average. I tried to tell her, he was larger than average and would not cum. He ask if we could keep her and stated he hoped he hadn't broke her. She stated she wanted to keep me. I think she also wants to keep him at least for the time being.
She did want to see him fuck me so I proceeded to ride him. She said several times "you can take it all". We switched positions so that she could see the power of his strong stroke. Of course, he also made me squirt. We then worked to get him off.
It was more the 3sum that we (S and I) were looking for. He did have a desire to watch a little longer but I think the next time will be satisfactory to all involved. This was a great beginning.
I felt a little inadequate because of my lack of experience. I really didn't know what to do. I tried to follow her lead but next time I hope I can please her as she had me.
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