Thinking

Well, now comes getting hit on. I really hate that.

I wonder if I will ever feel about someone like some of the others I have spoken too. They appear to worship their Masters. Their world revolves around their Masters. I can't see that happening with me at least where I'm currently living. I need to start looking for a Master. My next research project. I'm not going to jump into anything. I need to know that I will be safe and secure. That my needs and desires are important. That my feelings are important.

For some reason, an old friend started contacting me. Of course, he wanted to make sure that I knew he was a dom. The person I met was the life of the party. Now he is wanting to be all serious. The only downfall is his friends. There is a connection to drama. I will not be his sub or slave. I don't want to deal with those women any longer. I think that was a major problem with my last relationship. When a connection to those women are learned, I just need to run. I want something real, not drama filled. Eventually, I'll get B out of my mind. I keep wondering how he is but then I think he really didn't care how I was so I just need to stop.

Yesterday, I spent the day doing physical work to forget. I have the kitchen project to finish. Then we will need to set up our exercise room and then there is the pool project. Hopefully I'll be too exhausted to think or dream. At least I'm not mourning like I did the last time. Well, I guess the circumstances were different.

Plans to continue

I'm feeling a lil lost and I really don't know why. Now again I'm at the point of having to move on and not really knowing how. I really thought I found my destiny. Now I just wonder if that really exists. I have to live with more lonely days. Maybe I should just accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life. There's really no one out there that can handle me.

Ok...I need to stop dwelling on what should have or could have been. I also need to let go of the past and learn to trust. Not everyone is out to hurt me. However, as I have been told recently by a Mistress, I need to trust my gut. If it don't feel right, let it go.

Maybe I should stop trying to rush an experience. I just have this desire to belong to somone, to serve someone. I need to let go of my vanilla thinking. I need to truely think alternative lifestyle. Everything is acceptable. I think I'm going to spend the summer playing. This will give me time to get things in order. I'll be able to go to a few more munchies and a few play parties.

Combination of other post

I'm finding the emails from submissive guide are very useful. They are giving me insight into the D/s relationship and the type of one that I want. Now I want to live it 24/7 so I can put my new found knowledge to use. D/s relationship is about the service, S&M can be the sexual side but combination can be holistic.

I took the time to look at some of the fetishes a little closer. I seem to be interested in more than I thought. I also looked at some definitions and read some groups. The posting in the group are very helpful. I wouldn't have thought of the questions but I read and learn. Tonight I went through some groups. Tomorrow I will have to look at the threads in some of the new groups.
One thread talked about munchies vs play parties. I've been to a munch and I think I need to attend a couple more. Hopefully I will plan to go to a play party sometime during the summer. Its nice to know I don't have to go to a play party and play...I can just sit and watch. Thats a good thing for a novice.

I read a thread that discussed the difference between Sub and Slave which was interesting but it became even clearer to me why I'm a Sub. I don't trust anyone enough to give myself fully. At one time I wanted to give total and complete control to someone but it was just thrown back in my face. My needs and wants are just as important as my dom's and mine shouldn't be over looked as they have been. So since I'm submissive by nature but not able to give complete control to someone else, I'm a Sub.

I'm reading posts from groups, finding new websites which are blog sites but have a lot of information and talking to individuals. The information is helping me to see that I was submissive but no one has appreciated the gift that i wanted to give.

My submissiveness is innate. Its always been there and will always be. I just hide it with a rough exterior. My submissiveness has allowed me to be used. This brings my guard up when entering new relationships. I always need to be on guard cuz everyone just wants something. This is an attitude that I need to work to release. Yes, some may have alternate reasons to get to know me but some are honest and genuine with their intents. I need to do a better job at paying attention; after all I'm a trained professional in human nature.

I had a conversation with another submissive who pointed out I don't need discipline, I need control. I'm not a bad child that needs a spanking. I'm an adult female who needs control in my life. I have offered but it wasn't accepted. I'm always told we will talk about it but that conversation never takes place. In reality, no real conversations ever takes place. My needs, wants, concerns and hurt feeling are all brushed off as "small stuff". My intelligence and abilities are not even considered apart of the equation.

I want to live a D/s relationship 24/7. I want to be with someone that wants what I have to offer. I want to experientment and explore. I want to take care of someone. I want to fix dinner and do home projects. I want to go out to dinner and to the movies. I want to be able just to walk around the store.

I will still continue to search for information. It can only help me be a better submissive when finally given the chance.

Ending

Well, I have finally ended the relationship. I've been prepared for this but it is still upsetting. I feel I have tried everything. I started a blog to improve communication but it has went unread. He states he has been unable to have access for online but he has been on his fetlife account. If I had been that important, he would have accessed the account from his phone. I made efforts to call. The calls would end by loosing signal or with him saying "I'll call you back". The call backs never came. I was only permitted a 5 minute call a day.

I really wanted a D/s relationship. I don't think it would have ever really worked with B because I couldn't get over him leaving me to fuck other women. Then there was all the drama. I wanted to be involved in a D/s relationship and he didn't want too. I've already mourned cuz he never really came back to me. The last couple of months were only booty. I would get fucked and then leave.

Now its time to begin the search for a dominate/Master that would like to train me. I don't really know what to expect but I'm ready for whatever presents.

Confusion

I'm currently in a state of confusion and don't really know where to go or what to do next. I think I have a good grasp on the concept of D/s relationships. What I have realized is they can be very productive for both individuals as long as there are basic values and some common ground/interest. However, both individuals involved must want this type of relationship.

I have continued to seek information and read others experiences but i believe it is now the time to start implenting what I have learned to have my own experience. I just don't know how to discuss this with the person I'm suppose to be involved with. He doesn't have the time for this discussion and when I see him in person other things will be more important. So what am I to do?

Continuing

In my quest for information, I have found exercises to do which is to help improve my D/s relationship. I have completed a check list which was shocking to me. I didn't know I was as interested in so many things. I also completed a needs and wants list. I have sent these lists out but have not received any feedback so that leaves me to wonder, what was the purpose of the exercise?

I'm becoming frustrated because I want to live the lifestyle but it appears that I don't have a willing participant to assist me. I keep thinking what can I do differently. I know that my attitude is sometimes a lil rough. But I haven't received a list of rules which is frustrating because it seems like I'm being set up to fail. I'm going to break a rule I have no knowledge of, doesn't sound fair...

When I did my needs list, I listed control and discipline as needs. There has always been a threat of discipline but never has it occurred. Because of the lack of follow though, I probably don't correct my attitude because I don't believe there will be any discipline. I live on my own. I make decisions. When I attempt to get input, I get short answers like "OK" or no response at all. So instead of having control and discipline, I continue doing what has gotten me through to date. Of course this attitude is then considered to be disrespectful when its only a way to protect oneself.
I know I need some control in my life but sometimes it takes an outside force to assist. I also need discipline. We will see what happens...lol

Mixed messages

In this second round of research where I found information that was overwhelming to me, it showed me I was truely submissive. This is when I began to accept. I began to consider what type of submissive I wanted to be. I was trying to include who I believe I am and what I'm attmepting to be. For some that doesn't make sense but others will surely understand totally.

Some of the things I came across were values for a D/s relationship: Honor, Respect, Communication, Trust, Honesty, and Consistency. I read each one of these sections and alot seemed clear. I didn't have this these values when I was with B and I don't have them now. He states "I take full blame for the break down in communication". However, he does nothing to change or correct the breakdown. He also says I'm more than just booty but why does it feel like thats all I am. He has also told me that I "drug" my feet and he found someone that was willing to do.

As I look back over the last 14 months, I see he hasn't trusted me. He has accused me of cheating 3 different times. One of those times, he was with me and I never really left his site for more than 30 minutes. He did leave our room upset and I really don't know what happened with him. There's times when he should answer his phone but only texts. Usually that means they are with someone and don't want that person to know they are talking to me.

He doesn't honor or respect me. When I'm upset and I attempt to approach, no matter the manner, I'm "not going to tell him what to do" and nothing changes. He is so closed minded, he is unable to see my point. Plus I'm finding out that women are talking about me. Instead of asking me or telling me about the conversations, he hides them and believes them. I'm not the person they tell him. I thought I had proven myself and my character.

Then there was the break up. He ask "why I can't fuck other women if you can". When I tried to state that wasn't the same and attempted to discuss. I ask him if playing with another female was cheating and he stated "no". He hangs up on me not to talk to me. After 10 days pass, I thought we had broke up and I texted to the affect. He gets mad at me. I attempt to explain and he doesn't respond. All the while, during this period of break up, I have women contacting me about him.

I think the most hurtful thing is I know he has been in Ohio with other women. He mentioned going to a restauant I told him about for us to go to. He also made a statement about not liking Ohio and Bipolar must be in the water. Plus he refuses to allow me to visit his home.

Alot of things are going through my head. He felt like my destiny. I dreamed about him when we weren't together. But reality is so much different. He ignored me for so many months. Then he is back and states he owns me. I'm his bitch and he doesn't want anyone else but who he says in the pussy. What does this all mean? Is there a hidden connection with people that aren't friendly with me? Do someone not want me to move on?

How can I submit to someone that has broken the key values to a D/s relationship? I also fear he will leave as quickly as he returned. He hasn't been interested in my BDSM checklist or my needs/wants list. I've tried to improve how I talk to him, not giving him attitude. I haven't even attempted to discuss these things. He will just get angry and threaten to walk away. He just doesn't realize, I really don't care one way or another. I just feel like booty.

I want to become the submissive that I know I can be. I have never been able to show my true self.