OMG...my stalker has decided to maybe come play in my play ground. I think she may have grown her balls.
She has decided to mark on Fetlife she may be coming to the swing event that I've went too the last 2 months. That leaves me to wonder why. Is she reading my posting where I'm writing I'm being ignored and she wants to prove she can get everyone's attention. I hate to tell her, she has no standards so she will get every dick's attention. I on the other hand am a little more selective and don't want every dick that approaches.
I'm comfortable being a strong, independent and intelligent female and those men who take an interest enjoy a woman who is well rounded not just physically but in all areas. I can carry on conversations about multiple topics that don't include sex. I have a sense of humor and generally likeable.
Where as my stalker is nothing more than a gutter rat. She can only spread her legs, checks and lips. All 3 holes are well used with no protection and I would be scared at what I might get if I used one of those gaping holes.
Plus, knowing this is a party that I attend, this will be her 3 instance of physical stalking. She will catch a case and in my yard...so sweet.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Another Swing Event
I went to another swinger event last night. I've decided the only thing that its really good for is watching people and some slight relaxing. It does prove my point that I'm nothing more than a wallflower.
Again I was ignored. One I didn't expect to approach me because he protocols require me to address him. Well, that wasn't going to happen so we were at an impasse.
But the one I didn't expect to ignore me did. Well I should have expected it. He has ignored me in every other way but never intentionally at an event. I have gave the respect of calling him Sir and he has not been gracious in returning the respect. I have tried talking to him. Actually the only way I've been able to communicate with him is too text or email. I've had no alone time with him since December. I think I've met him twice for an hour each time but there has always been a group of people around.
He also doesn't understand D/s and BDSM play. I've realized once he finds something that a sub/slave likes he limits her to that activity. Like he only mentioned playing with clothes pins with me when there was so much more that I liked, enjoyed and wanted to try. He did the same with his slave.
He also assumed that since I was going to play publicly that I had a Dominant when I don't. Just because I have developed a trusting friendship with another and opt to participate in physical play doesn't me I'm involved in a D/s relationship. Two totally different things but at times these things could be joined.
On the positive side I did meet and chat with 2 individuals that were simply fascinating. One has been wanting to meet me for a while and recognized me upon my arrival. We chatted and I believed he loved my bluntness.
The other noticed me sitting alone and decided to approach. He stated he had come at the request of a friend and wasn't wanting to interrupt if I was meeting anyone. But since I was ignored, I was good. We chatted about our swing experiences, our children and professional lives.
It was a great time. No pressure like the last time.
Again I was ignored. One I didn't expect to approach me because he protocols require me to address him. Well, that wasn't going to happen so we were at an impasse.
But the one I didn't expect to ignore me did. Well I should have expected it. He has ignored me in every other way but never intentionally at an event. I have gave the respect of calling him Sir and he has not been gracious in returning the respect. I have tried talking to him. Actually the only way I've been able to communicate with him is too text or email. I've had no alone time with him since December. I think I've met him twice for an hour each time but there has always been a group of people around.
He also doesn't understand D/s and BDSM play. I've realized once he finds something that a sub/slave likes he limits her to that activity. Like he only mentioned playing with clothes pins with me when there was so much more that I liked, enjoyed and wanted to try. He did the same with his slave.
He also assumed that since I was going to play publicly that I had a Dominant when I don't. Just because I have developed a trusting friendship with another and opt to participate in physical play doesn't me I'm involved in a D/s relationship. Two totally different things but at times these things could be joined.
On the positive side I did meet and chat with 2 individuals that were simply fascinating. One has been wanting to meet me for a while and recognized me upon my arrival. We chatted and I believed he loved my bluntness.
The other noticed me sitting alone and decided to approach. He stated he had come at the request of a friend and wasn't wanting to interrupt if I was meeting anyone. But since I was ignored, I was good. We chatted about our swing experiences, our children and professional lives.
It was a great time. No pressure like the last time.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Intimidated and Vulnerable
I admitted to 2 Dominants recently that pain intimidated. But as I thought about it, its not that pain intimidates me, I think its more the fear of being vulnerable and the potential sub drop.
I've always been in control or at least try. When things don't go as planned, I become frustrated but I'm able to think and re-adjust. So actually giving control over to someone and opening my self up is quit intimidating.
I have did minimal play in public like trying fire and the violent wand but I haven't tried anything else. I had the opportunity to various paddles, whips and even a flogger but ran. I was watching another receive her first spanking and I was getting excited and wet. So I think the combination of my bodies reaction and the intimidation spooked me.
I don't really have a Dominant to discuss these things with or to guide me so I'm left on my own to figure things out and process my feelings. It takes me a little longer to see the obvious at times.
I think at the next play party, I'm going to try and force my limits. I'm going to try and play in public. I want to be flogged. I've tried paddles once and I wasn't impressed and I will try whips again. I don't think I'll be impressed with them either but I think I need to try a couple of times before deciding.
I've always been in control or at least try. When things don't go as planned, I become frustrated but I'm able to think and re-adjust. So actually giving control over to someone and opening my self up is quit intimidating.
I have did minimal play in public like trying fire and the violent wand but I haven't tried anything else. I had the opportunity to various paddles, whips and even a flogger but ran. I was watching another receive her first spanking and I was getting excited and wet. So I think the combination of my bodies reaction and the intimidation spooked me.
I don't really have a Dominant to discuss these things with or to guide me so I'm left on my own to figure things out and process my feelings. It takes me a little longer to see the obvious at times.
I think at the next play party, I'm going to try and force my limits. I'm going to try and play in public. I want to be flogged. I've tried paddles once and I wasn't impressed and I will try whips again. I don't think I'll be impressed with them either but I think I need to try a couple of times before deciding.
Friday, August 2, 2013
"You're no submissive"
"You’re no submissive!” (when I don’t get my own way)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you question me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you won’t obey)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you express your opinion)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you disagree with me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you say no)
I’m “no submissive” when you disregard my needs.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t allow me to understand.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t help me feel safe before acting.
I’m “no submissive” when you dismiss my views.
I’m “no submissive” when you won’t accept our differences.
I’m “no submissive” when you violate my rights.
When I’m “no submissive” - you are no Dom.
~Author Unknown
“You’re no submissive!” (when you question me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you won’t obey)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you express your opinion)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you disagree with me)
“You’re no submissive!” (when you say no)
I’m “no submissive” when you disregard my needs.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t allow me to understand.
I’m “no submissive” when you don’t help me feel safe before acting.
I’m “no submissive” when you dismiss my views.
I’m “no submissive” when you won’t accept our differences.
I’m “no submissive” when you violate my rights.
When I’m “no submissive” - you are no Dom.
~Author Unknown
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Queen of Spades
Most define a Queen of Spades as a white female who will lay down for any and every black male as nothing more than a mere sex toy. I don't agree with that definition.
First of all, I see the male as more than a bull which is what that definition is considering that guy. I want the man to be more than sex. I want something deeper and lasting especially within this lifestyle.
Second, the designation of queen states she will be more than just a sex slave. She will be a prized procession to be cherished.
I was once ask to place a spade on my left breast by a person that I greatly respected. He was my owner for a short period and helped me through an emotional time. We were never able to meet face to face because of our personal obligations so we parted ways.
I had hoped to find someone like him but now I'm beginning to believe he was a very unique black man. The others I seem to come across aren't Master/Dominant material. The are players and gamers. They attach the title with no real sense as to what it means or what it takes to actually achieve. They don't guide, they expect their subs/slaves to have a "place". Its so discouraging. Even at times, I'm ashamed to have the QOS because of the level of men available.
First of all, I see the male as more than a bull which is what that definition is considering that guy. I want the man to be more than sex. I want something deeper and lasting especially within this lifestyle.
Second, the designation of queen states she will be more than just a sex slave. She will be a prized procession to be cherished.
I was once ask to place a spade on my left breast by a person that I greatly respected. He was my owner for a short period and helped me through an emotional time. We were never able to meet face to face because of our personal obligations so we parted ways.
I had hoped to find someone like him but now I'm beginning to believe he was a very unique black man. The others I seem to come across aren't Master/Dominant material. The are players and gamers. They attach the title with no real sense as to what it means or what it takes to actually achieve. They don't guide, they expect their subs/slaves to have a "place". Its so discouraging. Even at times, I'm ashamed to have the QOS because of the level of men available.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Amazing couple of Weeks
Wow...is a simple description of the last couple of weeks. I did start getting back out and making new friends. I've attended 2 events. One was a swinger event and the other was a BDSM private play party.
I had several men email me about meeting me at the swinger party. It was funny out of the ones that email not one approached. However, I did have a good time talking and was even able to do a little dancing. But toward the end, I got tired of telling one that I wasn't playing so I decided I would just go home. I felt accomplished because I actually motivated myself to go and stayed a couple of hours.
The next party was one that is monthly and I had wanted to attend but something had always came up. I was really nervous about going but knew everything would be fine. I knew the Host and hostess plus several of the guest.
I was able to meet new people and talk to old friends. I admitted that pain intimidated me even with a high pain tolerance. I got to see a fantastic home dungeon. I can't wait for next month's party.
The other part of the last couple of weeks have been the conversations I've had. One had been talking to me for several weeks. We appeared to be building a good rapport but then one day he said he was in a mood. I didn't understand exactly what he was meaning. He took something I said wrong, then that was all she wrote. He told me "I'm Dom, you are sub. You need to learn your place". That was the wrong things to say. That sentence doesn't go along with the statement that I'm a real Dom. Real Dom's guide, not tell or put sub's in a place. So there went that one.
Next, he approached me online and told me he was going to be at this swinger party which was one reason I went. He admitted to seeing me but didn't approach. He wanted me to put all the effort into meeting him while he didn't nothing. Then he wanted to make me feel guilty because he wasn't busy and I was. The funny thing is was always entertaining or topping or doing something. During a later conversation, he stated he was planning to attend another party and expected me to introduce myself. When I told him it was a 2-way street, he said it was on of his protocols. That didn't work for me. We were just meeting, I had no obligation to him. Just because he had designated himself as a dominant didn't mean anything to me so another one down.
Then I had a somewhat serious chat with Sir yesterday. I've been disappointed with how the relationship has developed. I had thought from earlier conversations that it would have progressed by now but almost a year later I'm still feeling lost, lonely and ignored. This the was jest of the conversation yesterday. I also shared my thoughts on poly and what I wanted in a Dominant. He was evasive and guarded to most of my questions but ask if I had the patience to try. I told him what my fear was but I think I will give it a little more time to see if things change.
I had several men email me about meeting me at the swinger party. It was funny out of the ones that email not one approached. However, I did have a good time talking and was even able to do a little dancing. But toward the end, I got tired of telling one that I wasn't playing so I decided I would just go home. I felt accomplished because I actually motivated myself to go and stayed a couple of hours.
The next party was one that is monthly and I had wanted to attend but something had always came up. I was really nervous about going but knew everything would be fine. I knew the Host and hostess plus several of the guest.
I was able to meet new people and talk to old friends. I admitted that pain intimidated me even with a high pain tolerance. I got to see a fantastic home dungeon. I can't wait for next month's party.
The other part of the last couple of weeks have been the conversations I've had. One had been talking to me for several weeks. We appeared to be building a good rapport but then one day he said he was in a mood. I didn't understand exactly what he was meaning. He took something I said wrong, then that was all she wrote. He told me "I'm Dom, you are sub. You need to learn your place". That was the wrong things to say. That sentence doesn't go along with the statement that I'm a real Dom. Real Dom's guide, not tell or put sub's in a place. So there went that one.
Next, he approached me online and told me he was going to be at this swinger party which was one reason I went. He admitted to seeing me but didn't approach. He wanted me to put all the effort into meeting him while he didn't nothing. Then he wanted to make me feel guilty because he wasn't busy and I was. The funny thing is was always entertaining or topping or doing something. During a later conversation, he stated he was planning to attend another party and expected me to introduce myself. When I told him it was a 2-way street, he said it was on of his protocols. That didn't work for me. We were just meeting, I had no obligation to him. Just because he had designated himself as a dominant didn't mean anything to me so another one down.
Then I had a somewhat serious chat with Sir yesterday. I've been disappointed with how the relationship has developed. I had thought from earlier conversations that it would have progressed by now but almost a year later I'm still feeling lost, lonely and ignored. This the was jest of the conversation yesterday. I also shared my thoughts on poly and what I wanted in a Dominant. He was evasive and guarded to most of my questions but ask if I had the patience to try. I told him what my fear was but I think I will give it a little more time to see if things change.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
My Search
Most as what are you looking for and I respond "I'm not". The search has become tiresome because it seems guys are telling me what I want to hear and apparently not what's true. This makes it hard to find good matches because everything is based on exaggerations. Then you do find someone that seems to peak your interest, appears to be honest and trustworthy but the deeper you go something always comes up and things fall apart.
Now this is the real funny part, it always seems to be my fault. I didn't email enough. I didn't approach and introduce myself. I didn't make an effort to meet. I'm too demanding when it comes to sex. I don't know my place as a submissive. I'm too busy. I've been disrespectful for stating my opinion. The list could go on.
The thing is I'm upfront and honest. I don't commit at this time because of my grandson's medical issues and I can't make a potential Dominant a priority. I've been told a real one would stand with me through these issues but I can't manage to get past the talking stage.
I have cravings and would love to apply the knowledge I have so I could grow further but I'm unable to find that person. I'm really at a loss as what to do when I'm talking and getting to know. I see it as a neutral time. Conversations are taking place, we are learning about each other. Its like a build up for when we are able to meet face to face.
I believe part of my problem are my vanilla beliefs/thoughts that haven't been replaced yet because I haven't fully experienced power exchange relationship. Another part of the problem is when people and especially your reported partners continually disappoint you. It seems everyone states trust must be earned but yet just expects you to trust them based on their words or what is written. I don't know about anyone else but I learn to trust when someone makes states then follows through. Its the little things like I'll call you in an hour but they don't call for 3 hours, it makes one think.
Now this is the real funny part, it always seems to be my fault. I didn't email enough. I didn't approach and introduce myself. I didn't make an effort to meet. I'm too demanding when it comes to sex. I don't know my place as a submissive. I'm too busy. I've been disrespectful for stating my opinion. The list could go on.
The thing is I'm upfront and honest. I don't commit at this time because of my grandson's medical issues and I can't make a potential Dominant a priority. I've been told a real one would stand with me through these issues but I can't manage to get past the talking stage.
I have cravings and would love to apply the knowledge I have so I could grow further but I'm unable to find that person. I'm really at a loss as what to do when I'm talking and getting to know. I see it as a neutral time. Conversations are taking place, we are learning about each other. Its like a build up for when we are able to meet face to face.
I believe part of my problem are my vanilla beliefs/thoughts that haven't been replaced yet because I haven't fully experienced power exchange relationship. Another part of the problem is when people and especially your reported partners continually disappoint you. It seems everyone states trust must be earned but yet just expects you to trust them based on their words or what is written. I don't know about anyone else but I learn to trust when someone makes states then follows through. Its the little things like I'll call you in an hour but they don't call for 3 hours, it makes one think.
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