New Tattoo

Oh...I so forgot how a new tattoo can be slightly uncomfortable.

I loved this tat in the pic and decided it was the one. Glenn had suggested handcuffs when I ask him for suggestions. I didn't just want handcuffs. When I was talking with my tat guy, he knew exactly what I was talking about. I'm thinking of adding some rope likes others use vines...

Hmmm...guess I need to get serious

Things in my life have been chaos. Work has been long and stressful which is why I have neglected writing. I'm not able to attend events due to work and car repairs. Plus I have to get serious about looking for a Dominant to seriously explore the pleasure pain thing.

Over the years and last several months, I have come to realize that I need a Dominant that is experienced. The inexperience ones become easily frustrated and show weakness which I'm able to exploit. Plus the inexperience ones feel full of themselves. Being aggressive sexually doesn't always mean one is a Dominant. The inexperience ones appear to be inpatient and don't always have the necessary information or rely on those with questionable characters for information which is shows their unreliability to the lifestyle.

I've had a bad week where the intent was the blame was to be placed on me. I was reportedly argumentative and sexually undesirable. I have the ability to be argumentative but wasn't. As for sexually undesirable that is so far from the truth and I won't even begin to make that my issue.

I have spoken to 2 ex partners who disagree and would love to have time with me. I also spoke with a man that could actually dominate me if we were in the same state who disagrees and he hasn't been with me. Then there was another who is willing to take care of me sexually and is actually excited about our upcoming meeting.

As for finding a Dominant, I now must ask about experience. Probably should also ask about why they are single and what has happened in previous relationships.

I wish G was closer. I think he truly understands me and I know he loves me. I believe he would cherish me while exploring. He does often want to choke me but he tells me when I have gotten him to that point...lol.

A submissive's Bill of Rights

You have the right to be treated with respect.
Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word "submissive" describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.
You have the right to be proud of what you are.
Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.
You have the right to feel safe.
Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.
You have the right to your emotions and feelings.
Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else's. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.
You have the right to express your negative feelings.
Being submissive does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns.Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn't feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don't like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.
You have the right to say NO.
Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it's your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate your 'NO' can be confused with an ongoing 'YES'. When anything in your consensual scene makes you feel unsafe in any way, communicate that, and remove any doubt.
You have the right to expect happiness in life.
Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn't, then something is wrong.
You have the right to have input in a relationship.
You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn't include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.
You have the right to belong.
Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they "belonged" for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It's in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of "belonging" at last.
You have the right to be loved and to love.
Anyone who tells you that love doesn't fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don't settle for less.
You have the right to be healthy.
Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it's up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed. Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help.
You have the right to practice safe sex.
Not only is this a right, it's a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart.
Author Unknown

Cravings

I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman who has been the matriarch of the family. I have always been the one to take care of any issue that may arise. I've worked and went to college while still being a force within my children's lives. My babies have always been a priority, actually my only priority. I always stated "my girls were unable to care for themselves but the men in my life were able too". Plus I knew that I was never a priority for any man.

All the men that I have been involved with has had their own agenda to operate by with little regard to what I needed or wanted so it has always been easy to walk away from these relationships. Don't get me wrong, I didn't walk away without hurt. I have always put my all into whatever I do and the includes my partners. I just haven't received the same from them.

So this leaves me lonely and craving. When I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, I sometimes crave to be tired up. I think the confinement would provide me with a level of safety and security which may help to elevate some of the negative that I'm feeling. I'm still waiting to test this theory.

Another theory/craving that I have is when I'm agitated, I want my partner to take control. I want to be forced to the bed, laying with the weight of my partner on top of me. Through touch, I want him to seduce my body. I want him tie me up to show me who is in control. I want him to proceed to convert my anger to those passionate feelings that I know exist. I want my neck kissed, my nipples pinched, my clit rubbed, licked and pinched. I want his fingers to probe my vagina and ass. I want him to tease me, take me almost to the brink of orgasm just to stop and repeat it over and over again. Then to take me and allow me the most intense release that I have ever felt.

Since I have learned about D/s, I have craved finding the right man to take control. At first, just in the bed room but once trust and respect have been established, I hope the limits are endless.

I'm awake and ranting

I'm awake as usual. I really should be sleeping and usually when I wake as I did tonight, I roll around the bed waiting to be reclaimed in the world of restfulness. However, tonight I decided to play online with the hope that I would become tired more quickly and get some rest. Its not working.

I've been reading through some groups, some threads are very thought provoking. Some are just individuals struggling as I have in the past, trying to get some insight on a situation within their lives. What I find amusing is some of the negative of the responses toward the OP. Its like ok I'm having a bad day so I'm sharing with you by putting you and your question down. I believe there is always a way to play the devil's advocate without being negative. But then some just like to grab attention.

The attention whores are the ones that get on my nerves. In the mental health field, we have a name for them...BORDERLINES...which is actually Borderline Personality Disorder. There is no cure for this, its learned behaviors, mostly negative. They scream for attention...look at me...look at how I've been hurt...look at what I can do...I'm the victim, someone come save me. I bet your thinking "Hell I know someone like that". They also lack the ability to take responsibility for there actions and must blame someone else for their failures. They are not honest. They could be caught in a lie and still not give you the truth. They attempt to manipulate people and situations. I must say, I really don't like Borderlines.

This is a good description of my stalker. She attempted to manipulate me in the beginning and when that didn't work, she thought lying would be a better way to cause me problems. However, she had a lot more time on her hands and has been very creative at time. Like knowing I'm sleeping with a mutually known person and they telling him I emailed her to inform her that I was with him. Oh, she did set up an email that was close to my ID, just not the right email, so that she could say "see here's the email". At a glance, you would have assumed it was mine like I said too much time.

Then the fact when something doesn't go the way she wants, she writes threats proclaiming someone has done her wrong. She's making more generalized statements now but still post to receive the sympathy, then apologizes stating she was having a "bad day". If your having a bad day, do you really need to post a thread giving the appearance that your a victim? Can't you just blog about your feeling? No you can't, you can't write. Or maybe your too embarrassed to write because people will see you for what you really are. I didn't forget, you do journal, just no one sees.

She likes to brag about her activities but changes the story someone confronts. Or when she wants to put another down, she forgets her back yard isn't exactly the neatness and she has told too many people different stories in order to get attention.

I believe this type of person will not be successful within this lifestyle especially if they are claiming to be a submissive. They don't think of others, only themselves. For everything they do, they have a hidden agenda. They again attempt to manipulate situations and people especially newbies that don't have a lot of information. They pretend to follow protocols but yet break they all. They say they have rules but they only exist on paper which make them worthless.

Ok...I think I'm done with my rant. Maybe now that I've cleared my mind I will be able to lay down and sleep. Oh, maybe I shouldn't wake up and read threads on Fetlife anymore when I can't sleep. Apparently it only agitates me...lol

Good Night

Something to be proud of

I posted a comment to a thread. I was then approached by the group owner and encouraged to share my experience with the whole group by creating a new thread.

The following comments which were emailed to me give me great pride:
"Your reply a few moments really spoke to me. I'd like to ask you to consider making a new thread about it. I think it could be extremely helpful to some of the newer folks we have as members.
Blessings be -- and thank you (most sincerely) for your participation."

"Smiles...I look forward to it. I've enjoyed reading your posts."

I have received such great encouragement from my followers here but still had doubts about my ability to express my opinions without seeming to ramble. I guess I'm on the right track.

I have some ideas for future blogs and I hope I can retain the ideas until I have the time to write. Again, I would like to take a moment and truly thank all my followers for their encouragement and support.

New Blog

I have started a new blog. Its currently under construction but will be sending invites to those who wish to continue to follow my awakening. Well I will need to figure out how to send invites...lol.

I really want to thank those that have followed my progress, not just in my submission but my writing also. I really do believe its a good outlet.