I have had time to rest and reflect. Life sometimes throws unexpected curves which is what I have decided has happened to me. I was stressed, frustrated and maybe a little Overwhelmed. But now after several weeks of rest and isolation, I can think a clearer.
I have always placed a priority on my family especially my children. That has and never will change. I do believe that the person I choose to be my partner will hold an equal spot to my children. I feel I will be able to serve as well as care for that which is mine.
I did sneak some time in for some play. I'm finding ropes and clothes pins are so fun, either separately or together. Something else I'm realizing is I don't mind my tits and/or nipples being tortured. Rubber bands, rope and clothes pins or a combination of is mildly hurtful but not extremely painful.
I've had rubber bands around my tits that needed to be cut off because it hurt to try and untwist them. I had marks, some bruising, around my right tit for over a week. I've also had clothes pins on my tits under a tee shirt. This was a mild irration until they were removed. The removal was a little painful. I actually got comfortable several times but then I was requested to perform several household chores which created additional irritation.
My pussy does get wet but pentatration isn't always the result. Sometimes he only wants to play and torture. I think he is feeling things out, trying to determine limits on both sides.
On the oral side, I'm told my skills are improving. I have always had a really bad gag reflex which may give the impression that I don't like to perform oral sex. This isn't true but I don't want to puke which is my real phobia. I'm told that relaxation is the key. I think if I'm able to be taken to the point that I'm not thinking, I will truely be able to relax and perform to my fullest capabilities.
My journal continues. I think this is going to be a wild and wonderful ride.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Life is Exhausting
My life has been chaotic for the last several weeks. I don't only mean within the lifestyle, I mean LIFE.
I started this over a week ago when my life was totally out of control. I wasn't thinking well...just feeling overwhelmed with all parts of my life. My life is also compounded with the fact that I'm diagnosised with Bipolar. So at times of stress, my thoughts and feeling are magnified and extremely intense.
After having time to relax, I'm able to thinking is more focused. I have alleviated a major stressor, my job. I think part of the problem was the threat of wanting to out me to my employer but that was only minor. I had hit burn out and needed time to rest. The stress was affecting my health but now I'm rested and feeling better.
I started this over a week ago when my life was totally out of control. I wasn't thinking well...just feeling overwhelmed with all parts of my life. My life is also compounded with the fact that I'm diagnosised with Bipolar. So at times of stress, my thoughts and feeling are magnified and extremely intense.
After having time to relax, I'm able to thinking is more focused. I have alleviated a major stressor, my job. I think part of the problem was the threat of wanting to out me to my employer but that was only minor. I had hit burn out and needed time to rest. The stress was affecting my health but now I'm rested and feeling better.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Frustration
I'm so tired of others starting drama in my life because they haven't enough in their own. Or should I say thier life is too pathetic that they must create drama in anothers.
Once again the threat had been made to contact my employer. For some reason, some who share this lifestyle blur the lines between personal and professional. As a professional, I'm permitted to have a personal life as long as it doesn't cross the line to illegal. I do believe that I'm an adult and permitted to explore my sexuality in any manner I see fit.
I'm at a lose as to possible resolutions for this problem. I'm impulsive and having a hard time not reacting negatively.
Once again the threat had been made to contact my employer. For some reason, some who share this lifestyle blur the lines between personal and professional. As a professional, I'm permitted to have a personal life as long as it doesn't cross the line to illegal. I do believe that I'm an adult and permitted to explore my sexuality in any manner I see fit.
I'm at a lose as to possible resolutions for this problem. I'm impulsive and having a hard time not reacting negatively.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Day 3: Discovery
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
My discover was really unexpected and happened when I was a teenager. My knowledge of my discover was years ago. Reading this you will probably think I'm crazy which I can be but not on this point. I was naive and scared to explore. When I finally began my exploration, years later, the light bulb lite up...lol.
When I was a teenager, I loved to wrestle with the boys. I didn't understand what my body was telling me. I wasn't sexually experienced and really didn't have anyone to speak to about the subject. I was shy and afraid to venture out and find the needed answers. So I pushed those feelings down, buried them.
As my second marriage had failed, I became involved with a Dominant blk man. I didn't see his domination because I was independent, strong-willed and stubborn. Plus it wasn't a forceful domination. We would meet and he always insisted on my wearing a blindfold through out the time we were together. If I would need anything, he would get it or assist me. This included taking me to the restroom. I never really understood why he insisted on the blindfold until years later.
I met a partner who I felt comfortable with. We shared what we were interested in and I entered the swinger lifestyle. All around me was information about BDSM. I took an intest but never disclosed to anyone. I had secret desires to be dominated, to give control to someone else. The big mountain to climb was trusting someone enough. The into my life comes a man who states he was a Dominate.
Acually, he didn't state it. He convinced me to hook up with him and in a phone conversation after he left, we got on the topic of toy bags. He disclosed he had one and I knew. I ask and he confirmed. I thought this would be a great time to explore this lifestyle. The doors opened.
I really didn't get a lot of good information on the first try. I became frustrated because this "supposed" Dom would only tell me to research. He wanted me to enter this lifestyle on my own and with knowledge of what I was getting into.
Several months later, I again began researching. I realized I was using the wrong words to search. The flood gate opened and a weath of information flooded me. This time the right information. I found Fetlife and several other sites that helped provide what I needed to accept what I am...a submissive.
Since receiving this information, I have read books, followed blogs, met people, ask questions and observed D/s relationships in real life. I continue to do all those things. I have also met a Dominate that will assist me with the next level. This is a very exciting time.
My discover was really unexpected and happened when I was a teenager. My knowledge of my discover was years ago. Reading this you will probably think I'm crazy which I can be but not on this point. I was naive and scared to explore. When I finally began my exploration, years later, the light bulb lite up...lol.
When I was a teenager, I loved to wrestle with the boys. I didn't understand what my body was telling me. I wasn't sexually experienced and really didn't have anyone to speak to about the subject. I was shy and afraid to venture out and find the needed answers. So I pushed those feelings down, buried them.
As my second marriage had failed, I became involved with a Dominant blk man. I didn't see his domination because I was independent, strong-willed and stubborn. Plus it wasn't a forceful domination. We would meet and he always insisted on my wearing a blindfold through out the time we were together. If I would need anything, he would get it or assist me. This included taking me to the restroom. I never really understood why he insisted on the blindfold until years later.
I met a partner who I felt comfortable with. We shared what we were interested in and I entered the swinger lifestyle. All around me was information about BDSM. I took an intest but never disclosed to anyone. I had secret desires to be dominated, to give control to someone else. The big mountain to climb was trusting someone enough. The into my life comes a man who states he was a Dominate.
Acually, he didn't state it. He convinced me to hook up with him and in a phone conversation after he left, we got on the topic of toy bags. He disclosed he had one and I knew. I ask and he confirmed. I thought this would be a great time to explore this lifestyle. The doors opened.
I really didn't get a lot of good information on the first try. I became frustrated because this "supposed" Dom would only tell me to research. He wanted me to enter this lifestyle on my own and with knowledge of what I was getting into.
Several months later, I again began researching. I realized I was using the wrong words to search. The flood gate opened and a weath of information flooded me. This time the right information. I found Fetlife and several other sites that helped provide what I needed to accept what I am...a submissive.
Since receiving this information, I have read books, followed blogs, met people, ask questions and observed D/s relationships in real life. I continue to do all those things. I have also met a Dominate that will assist me with the next level. This is a very exciting time.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Day 2: Kinks
Day 2: List your kinks.
I'm finding more and more kinks each day. Sir helps by assigning me tasks to complete which allows me to try things that I haven't and possibly fear to try.
I'm partial to the sensual side of the kink lifestyle. I like bondage (rope, rigging), candle wax, hair pulling, blindfolds, knives, violet wand, wartenburg pinwheels, biting and rough sex. I'm not impressed with paddles or canes.
Earlier this year, I was able to attend a Bottoms Buffet. The was for new and old, to experience or learn new skills. I was able to try several things. I'm looking forward to attending next years which is already in the planning stages.
I'm finding more and more kinks each day. Sir helps by assigning me tasks to complete which allows me to try things that I haven't and possibly fear to try.
I'm partial to the sensual side of the kink lifestyle. I like bondage (rope, rigging), candle wax, hair pulling, blindfolds, knives, violet wand, wartenburg pinwheels, biting and rough sex. I'm not impressed with paddles or canes.
Earlier this year, I was able to attend a Bottoms Buffet. The was for new and old, to experience or learn new skills. I was able to try several things. I'm looking forward to attending next years which is already in the planning stages.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Update on Stalker
It's just amazing to me how fascinating my life is to someone else.
Blogging began as a communication tool but now has turned into a way for me to process information and experiences. However, to my stalker, it provides her with something...don't know exactly what. I guess she believes it to be some type of fuel for the fire she wants to create. I can only think, she must be finding it kinda of boring because she adds her own twist and delusions when telling about what is happening in my life.
When I posted about my stalker on Fetlife, she responded. To me, she just showed what an ass she is just as I said she would. She is a terrible writer. She doesn't correct spelling, capitalize at the beginning of sentences or edit her work in any way. She throws in her delusional version of the "truth" expecting everyone to believe. Update for her..."YOU LIE". Those that are important know the truth and "YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT".
I think if she would focus on her own life and "supposed" submissiveness, she may improve herself. But she would rather talk about everyone and lurk around pretending to be innocent.
She has become very creative in the last week. She has created an email account from some site using my ID (sensualfreak). She emailed herself from the "fake" email information that she obtained from a person that made a late night visit, claiming it to be from me. However, I was involved in play or sound a sleep from the play...either way, it wasn't me...BUSTED.
Since that didn't work, she is now stating something that isn't true. She even attempted to state I told her. But the last time I attempted to contact her months ago to confront, she ran to my play partner crying but failing to respond to me. She is attempting to state I'm talking about an involvement when I'm not. I think she is doing one of 2 things. She is attempting to verify the involvement or she is attempting to intimidate me so I don't attend an event that she wants too. NEWS FLASH: I'M GOING.
I wonder what she will come up with next. She appears to be desperate.
I will continue to maintain my focus on me, my family, Sir and any other involvement I choose.
Blogging began as a communication tool but now has turned into a way for me to process information and experiences. However, to my stalker, it provides her with something...don't know exactly what. I guess she believes it to be some type of fuel for the fire she wants to create. I can only think, she must be finding it kinda of boring because she adds her own twist and delusions when telling about what is happening in my life.
When I posted about my stalker on Fetlife, she responded. To me, she just showed what an ass she is just as I said she would. She is a terrible writer. She doesn't correct spelling, capitalize at the beginning of sentences or edit her work in any way. She throws in her delusional version of the "truth" expecting everyone to believe. Update for her..."YOU LIE". Those that are important know the truth and "YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT".
I think if she would focus on her own life and "supposed" submissiveness, she may improve herself. But she would rather talk about everyone and lurk around pretending to be innocent.
She has become very creative in the last week. She has created an email account from some site using my ID (sensualfreak). She emailed herself from the "fake" email information that she obtained from a person that made a late night visit, claiming it to be from me. However, I was involved in play or sound a sleep from the play...either way, it wasn't me...BUSTED.
Since that didn't work, she is now stating something that isn't true. She even attempted to state I told her. But the last time I attempted to contact her months ago to confront, she ran to my play partner crying but failing to respond to me. She is attempting to state I'm talking about an involvement when I'm not. I think she is doing one of 2 things. She is attempting to verify the involvement or she is attempting to intimidate me so I don't attend an event that she wants too. NEWS FLASH: I'M GOING.
I wonder what she will come up with next. She appears to be desperate.
I will continue to maintain my focus on me, my family, Sir and any other involvement I choose.
Day 1: Who am I?
I saw another blogger doing 30 days of kink ( Bottoms up - http://dulcib.blogspot.com). It looked interesting so I have decided also to try. I thought it would be an excellent tool for examining my status in the lifestyle. This is just another way for me to learn more about me and my submission.
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
I have thought long and hard about how to identify within this lifestyle. I have determined that I am a sub. I thought it would be hard to explain but it really isn't. I want to take care of someone, to serve. I'm good at providing options and seeing things that someone else may not see. Sometimes an individual isn't able to look outside of the situation, that is where discussing possible options is important.
Since the Dominate is in control, the decision maker, its necessary to provide all avaible options. This is important so that the Dominate is able to make the best possible educated decision for all concerned.
I see my role as protector. I'm to safe guard the Dominate's interest and reputation. If he is going to make a choice that will adversely affect him, its my duty to provide different options that will be of benefit.
There are so many things that has drawn my interest into BDSM. I like the idea of a D/s relationship which provides for respect, communication and power exchange. I have been the one to make all the decisions for myself and my children. Not all decisions were good or beneficial and some were made due to situations beyond my control. Within a D/s relationship, there would be a discussion and someone else would be making the final decision.
When looking at the physical side of BDSM, I'm still exploring. I like all regular stuff like hair pulling and ass smacking. But I'm also finding I like candle wax, rope and clothes pins. I'm working on fisting but I'm time and stretching takes time...lol. I'm not impressed with canes or paddling, tried those at a Bottom's Buffet.
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
I have thought long and hard about how to identify within this lifestyle. I have determined that I am a sub. I thought it would be hard to explain but it really isn't. I want to take care of someone, to serve. I'm good at providing options and seeing things that someone else may not see. Sometimes an individual isn't able to look outside of the situation, that is where discussing possible options is important.
Since the Dominate is in control, the decision maker, its necessary to provide all avaible options. This is important so that the Dominate is able to make the best possible educated decision for all concerned.
I see my role as protector. I'm to safe guard the Dominate's interest and reputation. If he is going to make a choice that will adversely affect him, its my duty to provide different options that will be of benefit.
There are so many things that has drawn my interest into BDSM. I like the idea of a D/s relationship which provides for respect, communication and power exchange. I have been the one to make all the decisions for myself and my children. Not all decisions were good or beneficial and some were made due to situations beyond my control. Within a D/s relationship, there would be a discussion and someone else would be making the final decision.
When looking at the physical side of BDSM, I'm still exploring. I like all regular stuff like hair pulling and ass smacking. But I'm also finding I like candle wax, rope and clothes pins. I'm working on fisting but I'm time and stretching takes time...lol. I'm not impressed with canes or paddling, tried those at a Bottom's Buffet.
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