Love

This is a topic that crosses my mind often. I've thought that its an over-rated emotion. But the other day when I was driving home from my play partner, I put it in a more realistic view. Something that I can accept, I should say.

There are many levels of love. At first, I always thought there could only be two: that for family and that for a partner. However, I don't believe that love is that simple. Even within the context of family, there are several levels.

When your talking the love for family, you have that for your child(ren) which to most individuals is an extremely strong bond to break or release. For me that same love extents to my grandchildren. Then you have that for your parents and finally all other family members. Of course, individuals can cross boundaries depending on circumstances. In my opinion, this particular love is innate and natural.

Now, when it comes to other people, one has to look at several things. Sometimes you can look and have extremely strong feelings which some confuse for love but its probably more attraction. The deep and everlasting takes time to develop with honesty and respect. This is a healthy and can substain most difficulties that may occur through the years.

This line of thinking makes me analogizes my own feelings and the relationships. In the past, I have thought that I loved several men but it wasn't anything more than an illusion. Dishonesty and the lack of respect only promoted distrust which resulted in the destruction of the relationship. This produced hurt feelings and anger. Walls built so that others will be blocked from the healthy interaction which is needed for growth of the individual.

However, in the last several years since those dysfunctional relationships, I have been able to find men that have shown me honesty and respect can be apart of a relationship. This promotes trust and positive feelings which are allowed to flourish and spand the test of time. These individuals may not be the person that you are to spend you life with but they help you to focus on positive productive feelings, not the negative which destroy.

I can honestily say I levels of love for 3 men at this point in my life. The first being my Dominate. He has been patient, honest and willing to listen which helps the past feelings of hurt and anger to dissolve and positive feeling of respect and love to grow. The second being my current play partner. As with Sir, I'm able to tell him anything and he feels the same with me. This elevates surprise of a misunderingstanding arising. I feel safe to ask questions and to tell my feelings. I think this makes me for accepting of guidance from Sir and expoloration with my play partner. When I'm upset about something, I'm able to express myself more appropriately with both individuals. This allows for clarity of expectations on all sides.

There is a third man that I have a level of love for. He was the first to help me dissolve those negative, destructive feelings. He has been patient, supportive and encouraging during the last several years. He has assisted me more than he will ever know. He has helped to open the doors to my healthy relationships with Sir and my play partner.

With all 3 of these individuals, I don't know what the long term plans or involvements will be. But I do know I will always have love for them and will always remain friends. I will be able to depend on them for support when needed.

I do hope I get out of this mood soon. I sound so mushy...lol.

Summer progress

I’m so happy for the decisions that I have made to date. I chose a very good man for my first real Dominant. Sir is realistic and respectful. Sir understands that we are miles away and I have needs. As long are I respect the limits he has established and carry myself well, Sir doesn’t have a problem. When something is forgotten, Sir isn’t overly critical and understands things happen but reminds me not to let it happen again.

As for S, my play partner, things are going great in this area. We haven’t been able to get together as much but we have a very open line of communication. He feels he can speak with me about anything. However, one day his typical topics were on my last nerve which caused me to hang up on him. I was tired and moody. He didn’t think anything about it and the next day things continued as before.

Sir has made several requests that I’m attempting to accomplish. One will be completed on Monday and that is my tattoo, a black spade on my left breast. Sir has also ask that I be fisted by S. S has been working on this the last few times we have been together. He was able to get almost his whole hand in. It was a little painful but I probably could take more. I keep wimping out. I’m sure when it comes to Sir, he will push my limits and not let me wimp out. The new task which was added is orgasm control. I have my doubts about accomplishing this one but Sir seems confident that I will do fine.

S wants to learn to be a Dominant and has some qualities that give him the potential to be a very good Dominant. He is lacking some skills, mostly physical. I think I can help him in this area. We can attend some educational demos, I can feel the sensation and he can learn a skill.

Tonight we discussed Old Guard. I think he will find this philosophy interesting and he is planning to read up on the topic. I will also direct him to read and follow some blogs and possibly write his own.

Going Good

I'm amazed at how relaxed and stress free life can actual be when communication is open and honest. I'm so happy that I choose Sir. He is easy to speak with and I feel he somewhat understands me.

I meet with S this past weekend. I had thought about going to a BDSM social event but decided to go meet S. He stated he wanted pussy and I thought "wow...I want dick" so I told him I was coming. Oh he makes me cum like no other ever has. I have even squirted twice with him. As a play partner, he is great. Only I'm beginning to suspect that he may want more. We agreed that neither would fall in love because we just don't believe in it. The funny thing is we talk multiple times a day and he tells me everything.

M cancelled on me. He wanted to reschedule but I was busy. I haven't heard from him since. Nothing gained, nothing lossed is how I look at it. E is another that has wanted to spend time with me and continues to contact every once in a while but I don't believe he is serious. If it happens ok, if it doesn't, again its ok.

My next big event to attend is in July. Its the all day rope class. I don't want to go to the party in the evening alone so I probably will only go to the daytime events.

Right now everything seem a little boring. I really don't have much to write about.

Becoming

Oh no...I think I'm becoming a mushy sub. Being all nice and compliant which normally isn't me. But I really don't have a reason to complain at this point.

I chatted with Sir most of Monday which was great. We chat about everything. He has also given me permission to meet 2 guys. I explained that they would need to contact him and neither had a problem. I have chatted with both in the last couple of days and I'm impressed with both. One is a bedroom Dom and the other has actually owned a couple. So this summer looks to be interesting.

Also I told Sir about an event that I thought I might like to attend, he stated I should go. So I will be going. Its an all day rope class then the room will be turned into a champagne room. Sir even thought it sounded fun.

I've invited Sir to come to Ohio for an event in September. He is considering it.

Bad Day

Today was a bad day in general. I think part of the reason was the lack of sleep. I worked last night but got up earlier afternoon around 1:30. Work was steady. I went an x-rays done of my shoulder. I did receive a phone call from the nurse stating nothing was wrong. So I continue to have pain in the shoulder and arm. Then on to my daughter's to play with Gabe before going to his doctor appointment. Everything seemed fine until right before I got to my daughter's home.

I check IM and saw Sir was online. I had been so worried that something was wrong. Last weekend, he told me he had been hospitalized from a cut that got infected. However, that wasn't the reason for the 5 days of no contact. Sir stated he went to the Nascar races. Sir stated it was spur of the minute and he was sorry. Well, my emotions took over. I told him I was pissed and why. I had no response at that moment.

Well, I was playing with Gabe when another popped up on IM. It was a dude that stated he was going to be in town and wanted to hook up. I ask what happened to him contacting me. He stated since I worked weekends, he didn't think I would be available. I informed him that I was off and would have been available on Saturday. Anyways the conversation went to the women of the area. I stated some fuck everything and anything. He placed me in the category since I was willing to meet him and fuck. Well, that was it, I was done. I was already upset and being placed in the same category as the women that had made my life hell because I chose to have my needs satisfied was all I could take. This was all based on that I liked to fuck even though I'm very choosy.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have great respect for some women who like to fuck and do it so freely but I wasn't talking about them. I was talking about the unethical, conniving, drama bitchs that exist in most of my state but that is a story in its self.

I finally told him we could be friends but I wouldn't fuck him since he placed me in that category. Of course he back stepped and stated he didn't put me in the same class. Ok, I'm not liking people at this point.

I had one other thing that I felt I needed to address and that was who I sent my pics too from Friday night. I text subbie girl and ask. What prompted me to do this was I found the profile of an individual that I sent them too. Things fell into place.

Subbie girl had stated her internet was down and would provide with email address to send pics too. I thought that they were her's and her dude's but that was wrong. After sending, I got a response from one. If they would have been friends in the area probably would have made a difference but they weren't. So now I have pics circulating that may reach those I had so carefully attempted to hide myself away from. Of course, subbie girl's solution is to tell them to delete my pics...yeah...right!

And the final was Gabe's re-admission to the hospital. During this time, his ileostomy bag explored and I was soaked with 60 ml of his waste. It wasn't Gabe's fault and he wasn't feeling good. He hadn't been hospitalized since Febuary so we knew it would be soon. I just wanted him to wait until next week so he could participate in the Easter egg hunt.

Well I haven't spoke much about my family but that was apart of my day. I will give you some background. Gabryle was born in November of 2008. He was approximately 8 weeks premature. His lungs and heart were ok but something was wrong with his bladder. He was transferred to Children's Hospital's NICU where he stayed for 6 monthes. He actually didn't get released until he was 9 1/2 months old. He is currently 2nd on the transplant list for his colon, liver, stomach, small intestine and pancrease. He is hospitalized every couple of months due to infections and this happens to be one of those times. This happens to be my major stressor and hardly anyone knows.

I wasn't able to get home before 6 pm and didn't get into bed until 7 pm. The only lucky thing was I called work and told them I was going to be late so that gave me another hour to sleep. I'm hoping to avoid any entanglements because I need a day to de-stress.

I was able to chat with Sir during the afternoon and resolve things. He stated it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I was really asking for much, just a short note or phone message stating he was going to be away and wouldn't be contacting me instead of letting me worry.

Sorry for the rant but I so needed it.

Concerns

Things are nagging me. I don't know why really. I guess because I have been drawn into drama and have fought to avoid it.

What's nagging me is this subbie's relationship to all those drama individuals? I have disassociated myself and even blocked them from my pages in an attempt to ensure my privacy. Most I have refused to even get to know due to the connection.

I was under the impression that this subbie had separated herself but when she has continued to communicate with the one we had in common. Then there were a couple of others that have direct involvement with the drama crowd. I'm wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Will she provide information that I wish to keep private?

The funny thing is I wrote her about 6 weeks ago and was prepared to delete her. I suspected that she was in contact with B which was why she didn't respond to me. I found out I was right, she even admitted to meeting him when he was in Ohio one time. She has even stated he will text her. She believes she has the upper hand with him because he owes her money when she doesn't. If he speaks to her in an authoritative voice, her sub instincts will kick in and she will do what she is told.

I don't know what to do. My gut says to pull away. I get the feeling she is all about games and I really don't need that at this time. Time will tell.

Great Weekend

My weekend was so wonderful and I had actually been thinking of cancealling. I'm so glad that I didn't. I took off Friday and Saturday night off from work. I needed to relax and enjoy time with people outside of my work.

Ok...Friday started with me meeting another couple for a three sume, FMF. I had been apart of one in the past but didn't have the experience that I wanted. This was somewhat the same. I'm looking for a fully interactive FMF. The first female wasn't bisexual at all. The one this week is bi-curious. Both of us were hesitant and wasn't really familar with what to do or when to do it. I think to cure this issue, I will need to seek out a female that is bi or lesbian to experient and explore with.

A side from the hesitancy, it was great. The male is very good at what he does. His desire is to make the female get off multiple times ignoring his own need for release. From our conversation, he gains pleasure in watching the female achieve new hights.

To be honest, this was the first time in 10 months that I have allowed myself to give into my own desires and needs of another male. I was ask why I waited so long. I explained that I was angry and hurt. I needed to take time to heal and not have all the drama that the prior relationships offered.

Of course there is talk of me returning but the talk is confusing. I ask to borrow the male from time to time. She thought I meant one on one but I was really only speaking about a booty call and I fully expected her to be present. She stated she ask him and then informed me that would be violating a rule. She stated they have a rule that they do not become with the individuals that the other knows. However, she has become involved with several that he has brought home to her. One such individual was his boss. If that rule truely existed, then she would not have another involvements while he isn't present. Oh, well I was hoping for some honesty but I should have known better. She still maintains a relationship with B and even admitted to meeting him since the blow up in October. I guess I will need to really evaluate my need to continue with this relationship because they are interested in me returning.

I believe at one point she was upset because she was ask to satisify the male that was fetched to take pictures. She spoke all evening about being involved with the others that S had brought home to her but didn't want to separate from S that night. He had to tell her to take care of his friend. M, the photographer, actually wanted to sample me and couldn't understand why I was off limits. I had been given permission to play with S so all other males were off limits.

I had a great night of sex which was what I so badly needed. My mood has been so much better. Its amazing how some dick can chase some blues away...lol.

As for Saturday, I had bought a ticket for an event in Columbus, Bottoms Buffet. This was set up to allow new and novice bottoms try didn't things. It was also for new tops to learn a possible skill. I found a lot of couples there with the bottom exploring new sensations and their tops learning so that their play may expand.

All the demostrators were great. They took the time to explain their craft and see if you had any questions. They would then allow you to experience their craft. Since I was new and hadn't experience a lot of sensations, they were very kind and accomadating, always asking and making sure I was ok. They also answered any questions that might be presented.

I was nervous and even considered not going. But then I thought, I already bought the ticket and received permission from Sir to attend. He would be expecting some kind of report so I couldn't disappoint him. I'm so glad I went.

I was able to experience canes, spanking, electric and suspension. There was actually 2 types of suspension, I tried rigging. I also got a massage. I almost forgot baskin robbins which was different household items being used for the sensual side of BDSM. I can say I don't appreciate canes or spanking but absolutely love the other things.

The community here in Ohio is great. They are supportive and provide encouragement. The are open to answer questions and help others that are in need and not just when having trouble in the lifestyle. They also are supportive when a crisis arises in areas outside of the lifestyle. It was nice going to an event and knowing some of the people there. I haven't had a chance to go to as many munches or events because of my work schedule and major car repairs. I hope I'm able to change that this year.

I could have went back to the club for evening activities but decided against. I was too tired and just wanted to relax at home. I got home about 6:15 and by 8 I was heading toward bed. My body had began to stiffin from the night before's and the day's activities. I took some medication and went to bed. I woke fully stiff, finding it hard to move. So I continued with the medication and rest for the day. But I would not have traded the weekend for anything.

I have meet a new sub in my area. We are planning to attend a munch like event that is held at a local pool hall. She has never went to anything or been able to get out and meet people. I believe she is so exicted. I know I am.

Of course there will be more to come in the future. I believe my next level is going to be in full swing very shortly.