The Woman

I've realized that Dominants aren't seeing me as the woman who wishes to submit. They look at a picture and draw their own conclusions without even investigating. They are putting me in a box and don't believe that I can exist outside that illusion.

They don't see the strength that I have had to possess and continue to hold. They don't see that I have their best interest at heart. That others won't be honest and tell them things that I will. The others fear discipline but I don't for I have how society views them, their reputation, too uphold. But isn't this all apart of the duty of a submissive. They don't see I want them to be the best person possible and that is the reason I continue to bring issues to their attention.

They don't see my intelligence, loyalty or devotion. They don't see I enhance the man beside me. They don't see my integrity. They believe I am incapable and helpless when the opposite is the truth.

Maybe someday a Dominant will see me for what I truely am. A woman who wishes to submit and serve a Master of strength and conviction.

Realizing

Of late, I have had a lot of time to think about my different relationships and the reason they have failed. Its not the blame for one or the other, its all parties involved which includes their life experiences. The common factor is the lack of honesty on all parties. Let me explain.

B, the first man to approach me that admitted he was a Dom and had lived the BDSM lifestyle. He also stated he had been in the lifestyle (swing and BDSM) his whole adult life. I'm finding inconsistency through his statements. He maybe a Dom but he isn't a Master. He hasn't learned how to nurture a unacknowledged submissive who is interested in the lifestyle. He may know how to use the tools but doesn't have the abilities to be a true Dominant or Master which would create a nurturing, loving and fulfilling relationship.

When I became aware of my interest in the lifestyle, I ask him for assistance to help me learn, explore and experience. Instead of helping me and providing me with direction, he states he didn't want to influence me into the lifestyle. He left me to shift through a mountain of information and figure out every step for myself. There was no guidance, no experiencing and no follow through. He was dishonest about the type of man he was and his integrity.

I was dishonest with what I wanted and needed. I actually wasn't directly dishonest. I just didn't want to admit what I wanted or needed. I didn't want to admit weakeness. I didn't want to admit what I didn't understand and couldn't accept. I degress but this was my part,

He actually only wants a slave. He wants TPE with no questions or negotiations. A contract means he can continue his "playa" persona while having his slave waiting. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't give anything back but she is required to give everything. He really doesn't provide a boundary between vanilla and the lifestyle. Its all about him and he is unable to see anything else. His view is correct and if you attempt to infer differently regardless of the tone, the sub or slave is the one being disrespectful. Everyone else is to blame, never...never him.

If he would be honest, he would acknowledge he wants a poly relationship. But he states he is an honorable man and don't cheat while in a relationship that is until he has a contract secured. Cheating is cheating as long as one party isn't aware. I don't trust or respect him any longer.

G was the next Dom I meet. I meet him online and we chat regularly. He has attempted to gain control over aspects of my life but I have continued to withdrawal. He has been supportive and provided some direction. He ask me to do some assignments that were thought provoking and allowed me to grow. I see him as wanting control but I don't know for what reason.

Another aspect of our relationship is the distance. He lives at least 7 hours away. I use to ask often about visiting but have given up. Both of our lives are complicated. I use to think he just didn't want to see me but I don't know. I'm inpatient and don't like waiting. I often wondered if this was his way of teaching me patience. He's guarded so I don't think I will ever know.

With this relationship, there is no exchange or at least I don't see it. There is me giving which is why I have continued to pull back when he attempts to exert control. I usually permit him some control but withdraw it when I feel I'm not receiving anything in the exchange. We continue to chat almost daily. We have some great conversations. I just don't know what he wants from this interaction. Is there an end goal? I doubt that we will ever meet but things do happen when you least expect.

M is different. He doesn't attempt to take control. When we met I expressed an interest in experiencing things with no ties. He has complied with that request. He spoke with me to find out what I wanted to experience then allowed me to experience. The scenes we have had have been basic but very enlightening. He has provided me with assignments that have been thought provoking and has ask what I want. There is a dialog between us that hasn't existed with the others. He has offered to be more in my life but I have declined. I see us as great friends. He and his slave are someone that I can trust fully.

S was an attempt at something I wasn't. I felt I was being honest with him. He continued to encourage. I think I surprised him when I requested to become apart of his house hold. I wanted some much to be apart of something and made a decision that I shouldn't have. I had even started to trust both of them. Things were clear and no explanations were made as to what exactly went wrong. Why they only wanted to offer friendship and not continue to train. Oh well, one lives and learns. I'm not sorry I made the decision but wish I wouldn't had been so gullible.

I really don't know where I'm going or where any of this will lead me but I continue on. I read blogs, different postings on Fetlife and I'm making friends with that I chat with and gain insight from their experiences. The one thing I need to overcome is my trust handicap. At some point, I will need to put faith into someone. But for now, I will continue as I am. That is til someone comes to sweep me off my feet...literally.

Continuing Search

I really don't know where I'm currently heading. I seem to have stalled in the middle of the road. I want to continue to explore but have had some recent experiences that shake my ability to trust. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need to get out and meet new people.

I posted in a Fetlife group that I thought I might have waited too long to explore this lifestyle. The responses were encouraging. One even told me to check other sites and provided a list. Another encouraged me to get more involved in my local community. I've actually searched for events and want to attend a play party. However, it has been suggested that you don't attend alone and I don't really have anyone to attend with me.

I've continued to follow several blogs which have been very informative. Also topics that are of interest are discussed along with their day to day interactions with their Dominants. I'm also following blogs that are wrote by Dominants which provide insight to how one thinks and reacts to some situations. The only thing I'm really lacking is physical experience which I've been really anxious to try.

The one thing that really amazes me is most view me as they want to see me. They really don't take the time to get to know me. To know what I like or learn how I will react to some situations. They don't see I'm capable of providing exceptional service. My abilities are unnoticed.

My current plans are to continue to read, learn and experience when possible. The search for a Dominant will not have any importance at this time. If a Dominant that I can trust and that I'm attracted to should present, it will be all good.

Interesting

I've been viewing my stats and I'm amazed that my page is getting reviewed. I started this blog to improve communication with my potential Dom. We were in a long distance relationship. However, that didn't work. He never read my blog. I know that 2 Dom friends have read some.

After the relationship failed, I continued to write as an outlet. I've had feedback on a couple of blogs which I find very interesting and I appreciate those that have responded. But I also began to explore and read other blogs on a regular basis. The information contained in the blogs have been great. Some even allows me to gain additional insight into myself and possible areas to work on.

Analyzing

I have had time to think about my last involvements. B once said I was too busy wanting to please the flesh instead of training my mind. I actually understand this but feel trust has been my stopping point. I can't allow my mind to fall blindly if the person isn't trustworthy. And every time I begin to trust, the person shows me that they really aren't worthy of my trust.

Everyone says things are black and white but talk gray. Statements aren't clear. Like willingness will result in earning. The willingness is there but nothing is ever earned. No training takes place even when ask. My intelligence is ignored. Am I to be mindless when I have been independent and full of thoughts for my entire adult life. I'm told to be me but me isn't what anyone wants.

For a minute I thought I needed to be in a 24/7 relationship to fully learn and gain that mindset that I'm so lacking. But now I think I just need to be a play partner. I need to know what my limits are for the physical play because that is really all I wanted. But I must say the blogs with details and videos do ignite me.

I looking for a Dominate that is able to sense my desire to submit and then takes it. The Dominate probably only exists on paper and I will be continuely disappointed. I'm not going to settle any longer. I'm going to explore, attend events and make friends.

I know

I know why B contacted me...he went and visited his bitch. Of course, she is unable to satisfy him sexually and he always attempts to return to me. Well, that will never be happening again. I do hope I made that clear to him. I guess I need to make the finally change. I need to change my phone number so that he may not contact me again. But then again, that will happen when I move.

That was the blog I started to write. I'm angry at him for doing what he has done which I'm not going to rehash. But I'm more angry with myself because I saw the red flags and didn't trust my head. I allowed my heart to rule. One lives and learns but that seems to fail with me. I keep living but don't learn to listen to my head.

Here is yesterday's horoscope which seemed so fitting.

"Just when you feel like you've come to a point of emotional stability and calm, Scorpio, something happens to throw you off balance. You may be uneasy with the notion of stability and feel what you really want is risk, action, and excitement. This inner conflict makes it hard for you to operate. Try not to overanalyze every piece of the equation. The solution will come to you."

Well, I'm still hurt because that is what happens every time he re-enters my life or attempts too. And, of course, I'm still disappointed in myself. But I'm getting back on track. I did a post last night on Fetlife wondering if I just realized to late in life to change. I received some really positive feedback. I also decided to attend an informative/educational event which was enlightening. Provided the positiveness that was really needed.

Another friend on Fetlife saw my rambling and wants to meet for lunch or dinner. She wants to provide some positive support. She doesn't want me to get discouraged with the lifestyle. I think I'm going to the munch on Thursday just because I need too. It will probably help me over these setbacks that I feel I have had.

Moving Forward

First I must say I'm proud of myself. B contacted me this week wanting to meet for a booty call. I had wanted to but I had my older granddaughters who can't stay alone. He told me he would call on his way back through. I hadn't really responded. Oh how I wish I could have fucked him but its better that I didn't. I'm proud of myself cause I texted him yesterday and requested he not contact me on his way through. I told him I couldn't be his boody call and he made it plain that we had no future. He texted back "ok". Shortly after that he texted again "Sorry for bothering you". I didn't respond to either.

I thought about alot of things since he contacted me. He only cared for his needs. He has a list of numbers that he is able to call but choose to call me and attempt to drag me back into his drama. He made his choice and repeatedly it wasn't me. I love him so deeply but I just can't do what he wants. He didn't recognize anything that I had done or my loyalty, my trust, my devotion.

Of course, all this comes on the tails of the rug being pulled out from under me with S & S. I'm feeling so unwanted at this time. I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright but that is a fantasy. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone. In the last couple of years, the individuals that I have began to trust have rocked me. I just don't know how I will get past the trust issue in the future.