I currently have several dominate men that want to be apart of my life in some fashion. I want to talk about each of them for a minute. They each have their own great qualities.
B is the first Dominate that I ever had any involvement with. I have actually fallen in love with him. However, he has not treated me as a Dominate should. He states he wants the best for me but is so uninvolved with my life. I do have to give him credit, he has helped in me releasing alot of anger that I once had. My previous ex had created so much drama between myself and his other women that I was just angry all the time. I don't have that anger any longer and have been able to move on to focus on B. But he seems not to want or need my service. I gave him my submission and he didn't want it. I did what he requested and tried to make sure he was comfortable in all aspects but he still turned other women. He doesn't communicate with me and wants to blame me for our failing relationship. He doesn't see my true self or capabilities. He also judges me on what he is told by women that don't know me versus what I say and my actions.
Then there is Ray who wishes to be more involved but I don't feel its possible. When I originally met him, I wasn't aware of his dominate side. We communicated a few times and had one sexual encounter. My concern is his "best friend", a female who is involved with my ex. I'm no longer involved and don't want to be around the drama. If we would become involved on a deeper level, he maybe forced to choose between us and that wouldn't be fair to him. I wouldn't want to put him in that situation.
Glenn I met online in October of 2009. We started chatting and texting. He is a Dominate also and loves to participate in BDSM activities. He has helped me learn and has himself been patient with me. When I get an attitude, he attempts to talk to me but will leave me alone to calm down. My frustration with him is he only wants an online relationship. I would think that would be hard at least for me. I need the touch of the person, I need to explore some activities. He told me the other day that he trust me cause I haven't hid things from him. I have even confided in him. He just has alot going on. He works 2 jobs and is facing some medical issues. He lives a poly lifestyle. He once told me he had 2 subs and 2 slaves but none live with him.
Aaaawwww...MK. I like the interaction I have with him. He ask me things and listens to what I have to say. He is also willing to help me explore things that I have been interested in. He put me in ropes and I believe I liked it. Next we are going to play with candles and ropes some more. I've told him I didn't see a future with us and he didn't get anger. He is still willing to help mentor me and explore the activities that I have had fantasies about. He is extremely understanding. I haven't seen the dominate side but I'm sure I will at some point. He lives a poly relationship and I have actually gained a new level of acceptance. I have interaction with his primary who is very caring and accepting.
I want a long term 24/7 D/s relationship. I want to be collared and owned. I just don't know if any of these men are it. I'm going to take my time and continue learning. I want to find the right man for me. The perfect fit. Only the future will tell.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What to do
Ok...I thought B was gone but he has returned. This whole relationship seems to be over shadowing my ability to explore my full submissiveness. I know it sounds confusing cause it actually is to me also. The back and forth is beginning to wear on me. I was so firm with my submissiveness but now I'm having doubts.
Friday when I woke up, I had a text from B apologizing for the harsh words he had texted. I wasn't going to respond but I just couldn't stop myself. After about 3 hours of thinking about the text, I did write a return. My initial thoughts were negative and wouldn't have done anything for the situation. They would have just been said out of anger and not really meant. That is what he is doing and I didn't want to go to that level. So over the next hours, we texted back and forth. His last was unclear and I told him that was one of the problems. He then ask if we were going to put our heads together and come up with something for both of us or just leave it. I don't think he knows what he wants and told him when he did he was to contact me.
The fact is we both do truely love each other. That is why he continues to return after a period of time. We break up and he can't stop thinking about me. I know he dreams also cause I use too. However, he doesn't realize that I'm just done. I will try this last time but if changes aren't made. I will walk away forever.
I want a relationship that is peaceful. I don't want to argue and fight. I want my feelings to be recognized and some results. I don't require alot of attention but I do want some. I want to feel like I'm more than just booty cause recently its only felt that way.
There just needs to be some resolution.
Friday when I woke up, I had a text from B apologizing for the harsh words he had texted. I wasn't going to respond but I just couldn't stop myself. After about 3 hours of thinking about the text, I did write a return. My initial thoughts were negative and wouldn't have done anything for the situation. They would have just been said out of anger and not really meant. That is what he is doing and I didn't want to go to that level. So over the next hours, we texted back and forth. His last was unclear and I told him that was one of the problems. He then ask if we were going to put our heads together and come up with something for both of us or just leave it. I don't think he knows what he wants and told him when he did he was to contact me.
The fact is we both do truely love each other. That is why he continues to return after a period of time. We break up and he can't stop thinking about me. I know he dreams also cause I use too. However, he doesn't realize that I'm just done. I will try this last time but if changes aren't made. I will walk away forever.
I want a relationship that is peaceful. I don't want to argue and fight. I want my feelings to be recognized and some results. I don't require alot of attention but I do want some. I want to feel like I'm more than just booty cause recently its only felt that way.
There just needs to be some resolution.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Seeking
Ok, now that I'm truely free and know no one will be coming back to interrupt my life I can get down to some serious learning.
I subscribe to the www.submissiveguide.com which has provided me with a wealth of information about many aspects of the lifestyle. The last one described some red flags of a potential predator Dom. Within the newsletter it provided question that a sub could ask of a potential Dom. If the Dom was unable to answer, the sub seriously consider not aligning with this person or be cautious.
Other articles have been about types of submission and relationships, role playing and understanding your body. And of course, 7 ways to improve your submission. All have provided valuable information which has helped to understand me a little more each day.
With all this information, I now have to some how apply it. I have 2 Doms that I'm currently talking to. One is local and the other is long distance. My LDR has seen my extremely bratty side. I've gotten upset and told him to delete me and then actually did it for him. We have went without talkin for months at a time. He also offered me a verbal contract which I declined. We have developed a level of trust between us and he believes that I have been truthful with him. These are all things my previous relationship lacked. I have ask several times to talk to him on the phone more and to visit but neither are happening.
Now local hasn't seen my bratty side but wants to get to know me. We text everyday, occassionally IM and talk on the phone. I've went and spent time with him and love talking to him. He has read my checklist and my blogs. He is also willing to help me explore and was the one to tie me up. We have other activities planned but we just have been able to get our schedules together.
I subscribe to the www.submissiveguide.com which has provided me with a wealth of information about many aspects of the lifestyle. The last one described some red flags of a potential predator Dom. Within the newsletter it provided question that a sub could ask of a potential Dom. If the Dom was unable to answer, the sub seriously consider not aligning with this person or be cautious.
Other articles have been about types of submission and relationships, role playing and understanding your body. And of course, 7 ways to improve your submission. All have provided valuable information which has helped to understand me a little more each day.
With all this information, I now have to some how apply it. I have 2 Doms that I'm currently talking to. One is local and the other is long distance. My LDR has seen my extremely bratty side. I've gotten upset and told him to delete me and then actually did it for him. We have went without talkin for months at a time. He also offered me a verbal contract which I declined. We have developed a level of trust between us and he believes that I have been truthful with him. These are all things my previous relationship lacked. I have ask several times to talk to him on the phone more and to visit but neither are happening.
Now local hasn't seen my bratty side but wants to get to know me. We text everyday, occassionally IM and talk on the phone. I've went and spent time with him and love talking to him. He has read my checklist and my blogs. He is also willing to help me explore and was the one to tie me up. We have other activities planned but we just have been able to get our schedules together.
Relief
Finally my ordeal with B is over. This is the txt I received "From this day forward I want. You to hate me think of me as dead and burning in hell and promise you I shall do the same". This from a man who professed to loving me from the first moment he saw me. This because he was caught up in his own lies and wouldn't take responsibility for not being the man he stated or Dom/Master he stated.
During our relationship, he left me for other women twice. The first time within the first 30 days. He called me and stated he had sent for his ex and she was arriving the next day. He also told me that he was marrying her. This should have been my first red flag and I should have just walked away. Of course me being me, I exploded. A couple of hours later, he talks to me in a very authorize manner. He wants me to be the other woman. I accept this because I was blinded by emotion, stupidity.
During the next few months, he ask questions or makes statements that indicate he has been talking to women that had been previously involved with my ex. He ask if I was putting money on his books. He calls me a liar more often than should and accuses me of cheating. In the end, he judged me on what they said and not my actions.
He told me when he was in a committed relationship, he didn't cheat. However, he knew I was upset about my ex's being on one of his pages and that he was increasing the number of women on that page. I took myself off so there wouldn't be drama, I just didn't need it. One woman thanked him for a previous night. He told me it was for talking to her and again I was stupid enough to believe him. Then after we broke up a woman contacted me, I again exploded. I should have believed him when he stated "I'm not the man for you". He truely wasn't.
His first conflicting statement was "I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I s hut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own". A couple of weeks later he stated the following "you refused to give me what i wanted when i offered you the contract...I found someone that did after you drug you feet on the offer...so now i am commited to that if its a problem its your own fault". He always tried to blame me. His last arguement today was he didn't have the time I needed. However, he did admit he never ask about my needs. He also sent me an apology for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him.
He states he is a man of responsibility but that is only when it benefits him. He wants a woman that will bow to him without question. He entered a contract with a slave, spent some time with her and another. Then within a few days sought me out for sexual satisfaction. He did it again after his last visit with her only this time I wasn't available.
I made no demands of him or his time. I ask him for nothing. When he was close, I would go to him and care for him as best as I knew how. My body was available to him to do as he pleased. This is what I got in return: I ask him for sex once and he refused. I wanted phones calls when he had stopped for no apparent reason. I wanted to explore the BDSM lifestyle and he refused. I ask him why and couldn't answer. I attempted to improve communication, he refused. He refused to read my checklist, wants and needs list or read my blog. So I decided to walk away. He then decides to contact me when his slave is unable to satisify him professing to love and miss me.
All this games, I ask why. He just needed to be honest. If he didn't want me, let me go. He also stated to me he didn't take seconds but I don't think any of the women he fucks with are virgins. But with me he was talking about my decision to play with another Dom when I was under the impression that we had broken up. He kept telling me "you have a man". That is a very vanilla thought for a Dom of 20 years.
Now I am dead and should be able to finally move on with my life. Yes, I love him but he was right. He isn't the man for me.
During our relationship, he left me for other women twice. The first time within the first 30 days. He called me and stated he had sent for his ex and she was arriving the next day. He also told me that he was marrying her. This should have been my first red flag and I should have just walked away. Of course me being me, I exploded. A couple of hours later, he talks to me in a very authorize manner. He wants me to be the other woman. I accept this because I was blinded by emotion, stupidity.
During the next few months, he ask questions or makes statements that indicate he has been talking to women that had been previously involved with my ex. He ask if I was putting money on his books. He calls me a liar more often than should and accuses me of cheating. In the end, he judged me on what they said and not my actions.
He told me when he was in a committed relationship, he didn't cheat. However, he knew I was upset about my ex's being on one of his pages and that he was increasing the number of women on that page. I took myself off so there wouldn't be drama, I just didn't need it. One woman thanked him for a previous night. He told me it was for talking to her and again I was stupid enough to believe him. Then after we broke up a woman contacted me, I again exploded. I should have believed him when he stated "I'm not the man for you". He truely wasn't.
His first conflicting statement was "I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I s hut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own". A couple of weeks later he stated the following "you refused to give me what i wanted when i offered you the contract...I found someone that did after you drug you feet on the offer...so now i am commited to that if its a problem its your own fault". He always tried to blame me. His last arguement today was he didn't have the time I needed. However, he did admit he never ask about my needs. He also sent me an apology for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him.
He states he is a man of responsibility but that is only when it benefits him. He wants a woman that will bow to him without question. He entered a contract with a slave, spent some time with her and another. Then within a few days sought me out for sexual satisfaction. He did it again after his last visit with her only this time I wasn't available.
I made no demands of him or his time. I ask him for nothing. When he was close, I would go to him and care for him as best as I knew how. My body was available to him to do as he pleased. This is what I got in return: I ask him for sex once and he refused. I wanted phones calls when he had stopped for no apparent reason. I wanted to explore the BDSM lifestyle and he refused. I ask him why and couldn't answer. I attempted to improve communication, he refused. He refused to read my checklist, wants and needs list or read my blog. So I decided to walk away. He then decides to contact me when his slave is unable to satisify him professing to love and miss me.
All this games, I ask why. He just needed to be honest. If he didn't want me, let me go. He also stated to me he didn't take seconds but I don't think any of the women he fucks with are virgins. But with me he was talking about my decision to play with another Dom when I was under the impression that we had broken up. He kept telling me "you have a man". That is a very vanilla thought for a Dom of 20 years.
Now I am dead and should be able to finally move on with my life. Yes, I love him but he was right. He isn't the man for me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Answers
Well today was very productive...I got off work 2 1/2 hours early and actually accomplised all i needed by 1 pm. I went to Waffle House to satisify my hunger, Wal-Mart to pick up things for my possible trip, checked my account balance (I was good), picked up granddaughter for appointment and then took her to school, continued my chemical dependence on hair color and got my oil changed. I was going to have time to go to Pittsburgh. I rushed home to IM the couple. After about 35 minutes, I decided to text. It wasn't good for them...working right through all my worries. I have been chatting with MK. We originally agreed to meet on Wednesday for a few hours but now have moved it to tomorrow morning. I get to do rope again and take some pics. All in all...very good day.
Ok...now about B. He is not going to get what he wants. I'm not going to commit to him again for him to continue the behaviors that have hurt me deeply. This may end us totally but it is his choice as it has always been. He is the one who made the choice to leave me for someone else not once but twice. He is the one that let his anger take control and ignore me for months. He is the one who refused to acknowledge me and treat me as his prize possession. I gave him my heart, body, soul and submissiion for him to do as he saw fit. He chose to ignore it all and seek others. I don't believe he will change and that will again leave me alone to find my own guidance in this new lifestyle and to care for me if I would automatically return to him. I was nothing more than booty and thats the way it will continue. It hurts me to do this but I have to think of myself since he won't.
I long to find a man to serve but will no longer be forced into quick decisions which leave me alone and unsatisified. I'm going to continue to learn and experienting. I feel I'm coming into myself which will help me to be truely happy in the future.
Ok...now about B. He is not going to get what he wants. I'm not going to commit to him again for him to continue the behaviors that have hurt me deeply. This may end us totally but it is his choice as it has always been. He is the one who made the choice to leave me for someone else not once but twice. He is the one that let his anger take control and ignore me for months. He is the one who refused to acknowledge me and treat me as his prize possession. I gave him my heart, body, soul and submissiion for him to do as he saw fit. He chose to ignore it all and seek others. I don't believe he will change and that will again leave me alone to find my own guidance in this new lifestyle and to care for me if I would automatically return to him. I was nothing more than booty and thats the way it will continue. It hurts me to do this but I have to think of myself since he won't.
I long to find a man to serve but will no longer be forced into quick decisions which leave me alone and unsatisified. I'm going to continue to learn and experienting. I feel I'm coming into myself which will help me to be truely happy in the future.
Questions
My mind has been racing with questions for days. I don't see any answers at this time and I'm trying not to make any decisions. I'm trying to gather informations so that I can make better decisions. In the past, I have been impulsive and inpatient which has lead to failures and unhappiness.
Some of the questions I have are: Can I fit going to Pittsburgh into my schedule on Monday? Can I afford to go? Am I rushing into another meeting? What's going on with B? What did he really think about what I had to tell him? Will he make in changes? Do we have a future or should I just write it off and move on? Can I find time to play this week with MK?
I want a simple life and everything seems so complicated. At times I feel pressured to make a choice but I have decided I'm going to wait. I'm going to continue to learn and grow into my submissive nature. I want the right fit.
I ask B for feedback on our conversation. He apologized for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him. Now the question is will this acknowledgement convert to change? What does the future hold? Sitting on a beach would make the thinking easier...lol. I thought I would throw that in, needed some humor.
Some of the questions I have are: Can I fit going to Pittsburgh into my schedule on Monday? Can I afford to go? Am I rushing into another meeting? What's going on with B? What did he really think about what I had to tell him? Will he make in changes? Do we have a future or should I just write it off and move on? Can I find time to play this week with MK?
I want a simple life and everything seems so complicated. At times I feel pressured to make a choice but I have decided I'm going to wait. I'm going to continue to learn and grow into my submissive nature. I want the right fit.
I ask B for feedback on our conversation. He apologized for mistreating me and not being there when I needed him. Now the question is will this acknowledgement convert to change? What does the future hold? Sitting on a beach would make the thinking easier...lol. I thought I would throw that in, needed some humor.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Confusion
I'm so confused. My head and heart are in major conflict. My heart usually wins but it leads me to be unhappy and then my head steps in. I know most will be saying "What" but that is how I tend to do things.
Several weeks ago I thought everything was pretty clear. I thought my relationship was over. I determined I was moving on and exploring what I thought was fascinating and exciting lifestyle. I also feel it might be an area that helps to relieve some of the massive stress that occurrs within my life. But then ex makes contact with me.
He texted me and was a lil unsure if he had the right number. He wanted to get with me to "fuck". On that day, the playground was closed for monthly maintence and he doesn't fuck while the playground is closed, what he desired wasn't an option. Plus I had a flat tire to fix and grandchildren to watch. Later I considered he wanted to see me, not for any reason. And from our text conversation, I thought he wanted a sexual relationship with me since we hadn't worked on any other level. Maybe I should start from the beginning.
Ok I chatted with B from the internet several times and we exchanged texts. He had attempted to hook up me several months before we did. He still says to this day I blew him off. I told him I had to do something but it didn't take as long as I lead it would. I then did something else and went home to lick my wounds, again my heart. Anyways, he decided to call me again when he came through town and this time we got together.
I had finally been able to split from an abusive boyfriend. I had decided at that time that I was moving on and was going to start dating which is something that I had never done. I had met several guys that I had been putting off and then he called.
I remember that day. I had caught a bug of some type and been throwing up most of the night. When he called I told him I was sick. I still felt a lil nauseas, weak and had a slight headache. He told me he was getting a room and to hurry up. I hadn't had a shower and so I took everything to take one in the room. He was polite and quite. I thought the whole time I was in the shower that he would come in but he didn't. He later told me that he had wanted to come in and join me but chose to leave me alone. I was nervous and rambling. He had me lay on the bed with him and then he ask if I was going to get undressed. I think everyone knows where it went from here.
We spent the afternoon getting to know each other on several levels. We got some dinner, watched TV and enjoyed some physical activities that created great satification, at least for me. I sensed something was different about him but couldn't really say what. He stated he had to leave cause of work which I understood. He stated he didn't want to leave and stood just looking at me. He then went back to work.
He called me shortly after leaving and we talked for hours. I told him about a swing club I planned to attend. We talked alot for the next several days. However, the next months would have some good times with a lot of drama mixed in.
There are a few bitchs in my area that were upset with the circumstances around my ex. He was a major slut puppy and he lied to them. When I attempted to tell them the truth, they would go to him and he would cover with more lies. Several of these women made contact with B and told him things that weren't true. He didn't tell me that they were contacting him but I could tell because of questions and statements. So instead of getting to know me, he just assumed what he was told was true which caused him not to trust me. He also thought I was doing what they had told him. He accused me of cheating several times. He thought I lied to him. When I attempted to correct the information, he wouldn't look at my actions or listen to my statements. He thought the worse.
Through our phone conversations, I learned he was a dom. I had a secret curiousity about the lifestyle and so my interest was peaked. He stated he didn't want me to enter the lifestyle cause of him but he wanted me to to determine it was something I wanted. So I started my research. I felt the research was in conflict. The words wrote and the pics displayed told different stories. I became frustrated.
We both fell in love quickly. He made plans to see me at least monthly. But we continued with the rollercoaster relationship. When we were together, it was good. When we were separate, things happened. So in September, we broke up. We were talking on the phone and he stated it wasn't fair that I could play with women but he couldn't. This was something that he set in motion.
Things would happen and I would re-act by calling or texting him. In November, we met again face to face. We talked a couple of times and I thought we would started to develop another relationship. But then I didn't hear from him. Talked a couple of times in December but I had felt he was no longer interested so I needed to move on. However, I get a text in January requesting to met him again. Again, I thought it would just be sexual. He always stated I couldn't be just a booty call to him.
During my time with him in January, he surprised me. He told me he entered into a contract with a slave. It surprised me, actually stunted me. I thought about it and about a week later told him I couldn't do it. It felt like I was the other woman all over again. I was good enough to fuck but not to do anything else with. We talked and decided to continue seeing each other. Then I learned he acknowledged a contractual slave relationship on facebook, a vanilla social networking. I expressed my opinion. I didn't demand it be changed. I told him how it looked like they were bf/gf. I ask where I stood in his life. He told me to focus on us and not his slave.
Through out the next several months, he made comments that were upsetting. He told me I "drug me feet" when talking about a contract he presented, that I "wouldn't do the things he liked so he found someone that would". He also mentioned visiting a restauant that I spoke about taking him too. Another comment was something about all the women in Ohio being Bipolar. At this same time, I was only talking to him 5 minutes a day. Otherwise, my calls would go unanswered with no response. He would also tell me he would call me back and no call would be returned. He defined me as being owned property. He told me he wanted to be my rock and guide me. But cause of the 5 minute phone calls, I couldn't discuss anything. I finally had had enough. I texted "Tired of being ignored give my 5 minutes to another and lets call it a day". We broke up again. He told me to delete him which I did.
During the next month, a couple of odd things happened. But I didn't react as I had in the past. I figured it was truely over. He hadn't attempted to contact me. I wasn't going to get upset about anything. He had his slave and I didn't think he really wanted me.
I felt ignored and unwanted. I didn't think requesting phone calls to help communication was inappropriate. I had even started a online journal to help with communication which he has never read. He was persuing other women. I just wasn't an interest. I even felt he only persued me cause others wanted him too.
During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is not defined by society but the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?
I don't know where this is going. I don't know what to do. I had felt he was my destiny, we were meant to be together. But I can't get over the thought that he will leave. He will continue to ignore me and over look my feelings. Also we never had a discussion about our relationship and he never provided any rules when I ask on 3 separate occassions. He stated I was confused as to what I was. I informed him I knew what I was, I'm a submissive. I told him he only offered for me to be a slave which is a jump I can't make at this time.
Time will tell. I still have more thinking to do.
Several weeks ago I thought everything was pretty clear. I thought my relationship was over. I determined I was moving on and exploring what I thought was fascinating and exciting lifestyle. I also feel it might be an area that helps to relieve some of the massive stress that occurrs within my life. But then ex makes contact with me.
He texted me and was a lil unsure if he had the right number. He wanted to get with me to "fuck". On that day, the playground was closed for monthly maintence and he doesn't fuck while the playground is closed, what he desired wasn't an option. Plus I had a flat tire to fix and grandchildren to watch. Later I considered he wanted to see me, not for any reason. And from our text conversation, I thought he wanted a sexual relationship with me since we hadn't worked on any other level. Maybe I should start from the beginning.
Ok I chatted with B from the internet several times and we exchanged texts. He had attempted to hook up me several months before we did. He still says to this day I blew him off. I told him I had to do something but it didn't take as long as I lead it would. I then did something else and went home to lick my wounds, again my heart. Anyways, he decided to call me again when he came through town and this time we got together.
I had finally been able to split from an abusive boyfriend. I had decided at that time that I was moving on and was going to start dating which is something that I had never done. I had met several guys that I had been putting off and then he called.
I remember that day. I had caught a bug of some type and been throwing up most of the night. When he called I told him I was sick. I still felt a lil nauseas, weak and had a slight headache. He told me he was getting a room and to hurry up. I hadn't had a shower and so I took everything to take one in the room. He was polite and quite. I thought the whole time I was in the shower that he would come in but he didn't. He later told me that he had wanted to come in and join me but chose to leave me alone. I was nervous and rambling. He had me lay on the bed with him and then he ask if I was going to get undressed. I think everyone knows where it went from here.
We spent the afternoon getting to know each other on several levels. We got some dinner, watched TV and enjoyed some physical activities that created great satification, at least for me. I sensed something was different about him but couldn't really say what. He stated he had to leave cause of work which I understood. He stated he didn't want to leave and stood just looking at me. He then went back to work.
He called me shortly after leaving and we talked for hours. I told him about a swing club I planned to attend. We talked alot for the next several days. However, the next months would have some good times with a lot of drama mixed in.
There are a few bitchs in my area that were upset with the circumstances around my ex. He was a major slut puppy and he lied to them. When I attempted to tell them the truth, they would go to him and he would cover with more lies. Several of these women made contact with B and told him things that weren't true. He didn't tell me that they were contacting him but I could tell because of questions and statements. So instead of getting to know me, he just assumed what he was told was true which caused him not to trust me. He also thought I was doing what they had told him. He accused me of cheating several times. He thought I lied to him. When I attempted to correct the information, he wouldn't look at my actions or listen to my statements. He thought the worse.
Through our phone conversations, I learned he was a dom. I had a secret curiousity about the lifestyle and so my interest was peaked. He stated he didn't want me to enter the lifestyle cause of him but he wanted me to to determine it was something I wanted. So I started my research. I felt the research was in conflict. The words wrote and the pics displayed told different stories. I became frustrated.
We both fell in love quickly. He made plans to see me at least monthly. But we continued with the rollercoaster relationship. When we were together, it was good. When we were separate, things happened. So in September, we broke up. We were talking on the phone and he stated it wasn't fair that I could play with women but he couldn't. This was something that he set in motion.
Things would happen and I would re-act by calling or texting him. In November, we met again face to face. We talked a couple of times and I thought we would started to develop another relationship. But then I didn't hear from him. Talked a couple of times in December but I had felt he was no longer interested so I needed to move on. However, I get a text in January requesting to met him again. Again, I thought it would just be sexual. He always stated I couldn't be just a booty call to him.
During my time with him in January, he surprised me. He told me he entered into a contract with a slave. It surprised me, actually stunted me. I thought about it and about a week later told him I couldn't do it. It felt like I was the other woman all over again. I was good enough to fuck but not to do anything else with. We talked and decided to continue seeing each other. Then I learned he acknowledged a contractual slave relationship on facebook, a vanilla social networking. I expressed my opinion. I didn't demand it be changed. I told him how it looked like they were bf/gf. I ask where I stood in his life. He told me to focus on us and not his slave.
Through out the next several months, he made comments that were upsetting. He told me I "drug me feet" when talking about a contract he presented, that I "wouldn't do the things he liked so he found someone that would". He also mentioned visiting a restauant that I spoke about taking him too. Another comment was something about all the women in Ohio being Bipolar. At this same time, I was only talking to him 5 minutes a day. Otherwise, my calls would go unanswered with no response. He would also tell me he would call me back and no call would be returned. He defined me as being owned property. He told me he wanted to be my rock and guide me. But cause of the 5 minute phone calls, I couldn't discuss anything. I finally had had enough. I texted "Tired of being ignored give my 5 minutes to another and lets call it a day". We broke up again. He told me to delete him which I did.
During the next month, a couple of odd things happened. But I didn't react as I had in the past. I figured it was truely over. He hadn't attempted to contact me. I wasn't going to get upset about anything. He had his slave and I didn't think he really wanted me.
I felt ignored and unwanted. I didn't think requesting phone calls to help communication was inappropriate. I had even started a online journal to help with communication which he has never read. He was persuing other women. I just wasn't an interest. I even felt he only persued me cause others wanted him too.
During this last round of talks, he has finally informed me that he didn't feel we had ever broken up. I was his and always would be. I attempted to explain how I felt and what I had learned. I learned a D/s relationship is not defined by society but the individuals involved develop it to meet their needs. He admitted I had submitted to him, never ask him for anything and never made demands. He did feel like I had disrespected him and I had stepped over that line by playing with another dom. I disagreed cause that line is blurry. I also pointed out my body had been his and he ignored it. It appeared to me that he didn't want to do things to me. He admitted he never looked at my checklist. I ask how he was suppose to be my rock and guide me if he refused to talk to me. I also stated I learned if I was owned I was suppose to have been a prized possession. He ask "you didn't think you were a prized possession". I told him "no". I pointed out it took 7 months for him to agree to take a picture with me. It took his slave less than 4 months. He posted a pic of them and acknowledged her. I ask did he ever post a pic of us or acknowledge me which is something I had pointed out before. How could I be a prized possession if I was hidden?
I don't know where this is going. I don't know what to do. I had felt he was my destiny, we were meant to be together. But I can't get over the thought that he will leave. He will continue to ignore me and over look my feelings. Also we never had a discussion about our relationship and he never provided any rules when I ask on 3 separate occassions. He stated I was confused as to what I was. I informed him I knew what I was, I'm a submissive. I told him he only offered for me to be a slave which is a jump I can't make at this time.
Time will tell. I still have more thinking to do.
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