Awaking

I think tonight was a very good night. I decided to take a friend who has become interested to a munch for her birthday dinner. The Sir who I played with ask if she wanted her birthday spanking. When I ask her, she said sure which shocked me.

When we get to the restaurant, Sir and his slave were already there. Me and my friend take a booth and Sir decides to sit with us. The four of us have great conversation. Then the topic of her birthday spanking is brought up. It is decided that we will go to another dominate's home which is close for the spanking event.

I'm recognized and greeted by several that had seen me before. This helps to ease the atmosphere. I have always attempted to stay in the background. Usually, I'm able to accomplish this unless I just don't care. That really isn't true. When I become comfortable and people become familiar, my true personality emerges. The lack of knowledge or awareness makes me shy and timid because I don't want to make a mistake. However, as i become enlightened, my confidence increases and I'm able to relax.

The basement is made into a dungeon. It was so cool to see and be in. It starts to make things more real. It puts words that I have read into a real life setting. The conversation continued with everyone telling of past occurrences. There was also laughing and joking which aided in creating a lighter mood.

Then the spanking began. Sir has excellent skills at spanking a beginner and making that individual comfortable. He is also able to engage those around to watch. Watching Sir put me at ease, released some fears. I want to be spanked but not publicly.

I have wanted to explore but have held back. I have feared being hurt and not handling that hurt in the correct way. It does all come around to trust. I trusted Sir the other night and he didn't let me down. I have never had anyone to take care of me when sick or injured. I know I only fainted but it was the care I was given not only by Sir but that of his primary also. I wonder how it would have been with one of the others.

Also, last night I decided to go meet another Sir. He approached me almost 6 weeks ago. I was impressed with his views of Master/slave. I had several conversation with him and his slave. Then I took a few weeks to think. I looked at his fetlife page again and some pics created fear. I finally decided to have a conversation with him telling him I wasn't a slave. I didn't want to lead him on and not be able to follow through with what he wanted. So instead of trying, I was attempting to back out. However, he cut me short. He put me at ease. He recognized that I was over analyzing which was creating fear. His statement was "o.k.. let's look at this.. you over analyze..you paralyze..by over analyze.." So I took the chance and contacted his slave again. She hadn't got my request for a potential day to visit. I told her Mondays were good and she told me which weren't for them. I have decided to go on Monday, May 10. It will be a good stress relief after working 5 days straight. Plus I told him what created fear for me. This will be a no strings attached meeting of individuals who have a potential attraction.

Ropes

Well, I had my first experience in the BDSM lifestyle. I'm been talking to Sir MK. I had thought about going to a play party and then Sir ask me over to hangout with him and Sally. We discussed why ropes and bondage interested me and I really could answer that. I just knew I had a desire to be tired up.

Sir got the rope out and I was watching. We continued to chat. Sally was laying on the bed chatting with me while Sir proceeded to place me in bondage. He talked about the different types of bondage. He removed my blouse and bra. He kissed my neck and ran his nails down my back...it was all very sensual. Then he started to place the rope below my breast and around my neck. After he completed the bra, he secured one arm then the other. He then started on the bottom part. Every thing was going good, then I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out. The room was warm. Sir and Sally took extremely good care. I was still somewhat out of it and they were attempting to get me out of the rope. I didn't get the full effect but I did like what was going on.

On my drive over to their home, I could only think about how I was told I was loved by 2 different dominate men but neither of them cared to be the one to initiate me. I think it would have been better. The passion and feelings of love would have intensified the effect.

Getting to Experience

I'm so excited. At the munch last Sunday, I met a Master/slave couple. Sir has been talking to me all week, alot of texts, IMs and a very long phone call. I had planned to take tonight off and we decided to stay in, could have went to a play party. He ask what I wanted to do, I said play meaning sex, play means something else to him. So this will be the first time that I actually get to experience bondage and I don't know what else. I'm very excited with anticipation. I'll write about my experience when I get home.

A head of the Game

In my opinion, I have had a major break threw on several levels. First, I went to 2 munchs last week. One was MORAL where I was recognized by Kit. She introduced me around the room and then invited me to sit at her table and not alone. I was invited to sit at another table where I had a pleasant dinner and light conversation.

On Sunday, I went to a toy/a lil of everything party then on to a munch which actually meets in my area. Some of the same people were present on Sunday that was present on Thursday. One slave even recognized me from Thursday.

During the party, I felt a lil out of place. Everyone was coupled up and the only extra female actually came with another couple and was a slave to that couple. I was actually upset with my ex. He always said I wouldn't do anything or do what he wanted when it was he that denied me the desired experiences. I also realized I had alot of vanilla thoughts to overcome.

There was a dominate and his sub present who would be giving the demo at the munch. They spoke about kilts, boot blacking and respect. What was nice is, the dominate spoke about Old Guard. This was something familiar to me because someone had me do some research. I also realized that this is the type of dominate I wanted. Someone with knowledge of the different lifestyles within the lifestyle. He may not agree with it but was aware of it. So when a dominate appoaches me, I know what to ask. This will help single out the want-a-bes.

It has also became apparent that the relationship I was in for 9 months last year and 3 months this year was nothing more than lies. This was very upsetting to me. I knew things were wrong. Patterns were developing. I should have really took the hint when he left because I could sleep with other women and he couldn't. This was his rule, not mine. He said he was loyal and didn't cheat. However, he only presented a contract to me so that he could cheat. With a contact and acknowledged as his slave, I wouldn't have been able to voice my displeasure without suffering discipline.

The dominate I met at the Sunday munch gave me his card. He identifies as a Lifestyle Coach. I ask what the difference was between being a coach and mentor and was told a coach is broader based. That wasn't his exact words but what I interpreted.

I also had the pleasure of speaking to an individual who identified himself as a dom. He stated he was looking for a sub or someone with sub like traits. I said I quailified. He stated he had stipulations. When I ask what they were and he provided, it was laughable. He wanted me to swallow and allow him to cum in me. When I informed him that wasn't going to happen, he said later. I blew him off the first time cuz I knew he wasn't a dom, he was just out to get a piece of ass.

I have an interest in black men but none appear to be very honest. The state they are dominates to get laid and have aggressive sex when they actually don't have a clue. I have only spoken with one that seems to be real and it wasn't my ex.

Sub vs Slave

I've been thinking alot about Sub vs Slave. I know that I'm submissive and could make a good sub if someone would only take the time. I'm continuing to read and chat with other subs which gives me insight. However, most of the men I have been chatting with desire a slave.

I've accepted my submissiveness and would like to experience now. But to jump to slave at this point in my life would be an extreme change. I don't think I would fair well on any level.

My search for a dom will continue.

Continued Thinking

I've had alot of thoughts on my mind lately. I think the most dominate one was my experience with my first black man. The more I think of it the more I realize it was a D/s relationship. Even down to telling me after we had stopped seeing each other that i was his and no one would please me like he did.

It started with him as just a causal relationhip. We worked together but then he started paying me attention. I wasn't getting any at home so it was nice to have someone notice.

When we started to meet on a regular, he required me to wear a blindfold. I didn't understand why but i did. I wasn't permitted to remove it the whole time he was present. He would help me to the restroom and back to bed. He would get me whatever I needed.

He was also aggressive at times. I was staying at his home but not in his room. When he came home, he made sure I was there. Then he came into my room. When I began to fight him, he held me down and began to arouse me.

I wonder if he saw something in me that I ddin't. I think he would be truely surprised to see where I am today. I'm learning alot about myself. But I must admit, I'm truely tired of always being alone. I don't like the dating scene. I don't like men approaching just for sex. I want to have new experiences, not stay with the same old ones.

What I want in a Dom?

This has been a question that I have been thinking alot about. I've been talking to a couple and of course several others have popped up. Of course, now I have to figure out what I'm looking for in a dominate. I know I'm looking for one that is drama free. I would also like a Dominate who respects these values: Honor, Respect, Communication, Trust, Honesty, and Consistency.

I'm looking for a dominate that is understanding. I know me and I have questions. I want someone that is willing to take the time and explain things to me. I want someone that is willing to push my limits. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to enjoy my new found discovery of being submissive. I don't want to argue and I don't want to be hurt.

The Sir that I've been having conversations with appears to be on the level that I desire but I feel he is very intense. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I like being humorous and playful. I get the feeling this may be an area of conflict.

He also mentioned mentality for being in his household. He will only accept slaves and he lives a poly lifestyle. I told him in honesty that I don't know if I have the mentality to be a slave and he thought that was fair.

The reason I don't know if I have the mentality to be a slave is I don't know if I can worship someone as some other slaves seem to do. I don't know if I can kiss someone's feet. I'm just feeling comfortable with being a submissive.

Of course I will be blowing one off that has hit my fetlife page. He is unable to identify what he is and doesn't have a pic posted. I thanked him for the compliment and suggest he post a pic. He offered to send me dick pics. This doesn't sit well with me. I'm attempting to find myself and explore. If I wanted a booty bump, I just need to make a phone call.

Then there is Ray. We had a great night. Now he is telling me he is a dominate/Master. I find his timing to inform me unusual considering the drama his best friend is attempting to create. I told him it could only be sex and he is wanting something more. I'm not going threw what I have with B. I want to feel safe if we should go to an event. I want to trust the dominate I choose.