Smiling

I always love it when I get an unexpected call. I have several male friends who I know love me and are there for me in all circumstances. One such friend called me to wish me a belated happy birthday.

When I saw his number as a missed call, I became worried. Usually we don't call unless there is a problem so of course I thought the worse. But luckily it was the best, just belated birthday wishes. He had been sick and had been away from the computer. He didn't want me to think that he had forgotten me so he called.

While we were on the phone, we had to take a few minutes and catch up with each other. He ask if I was dating and I'm not. He said he could tell, I'm happier when I'm not with someone. Its amazing how someone that is 100 miles away can see when someone close to me can't. Fortunately, I'm not dating so all is good. I did tell him I was talking to a couple but nothing serious.

I also told him I believed with age I have finally came into my cuteness/beauty. He told me I have always been cute but I have allowed others to make me believe differently. He also said I was paranoid about it. Now, I'm confident and have accepted that I have a beauty. I have come into my own. I may not be the most beautiful but I have my own beauty that I can see and accept.

Things are Getting Interesting

Just when I was beginning to give up hope and accept that I was going to spend another holiday season with family, up pops not one but two men. After being stood up on Friday, I checked this dating site I signed up for. I thought well, kink isn't working maybe just dating vanilla.

Well, I actually found someone that I'm compatible with. He is really vanilla which maybe an issue. I just don't know if I can go back or even if I want too. But I have told him I'm into kink and a little about my kink. I have even invited him to attend an event that he is interested in. So I think there maybe some hope if nothing else someone at least to hang with...friend with benefits.

Then the Dominant that stood me up opened a discussion with me and ask for forgiveness. I've set a play date with him because I really need some physical play. I think it would help relieve some stress.

I don't know where either of these relationships are going, its really too earlier. I don't think the Dominant is the one to seriously lead me but will be good to have some play for a time. My vanilla may not like my level of kink but then again it just maybe the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Only time will tell...I will keep you posted.

I meet vanilla on Friday and play date is Sunday....busy busy!!!!

Birthday Weekend

This past weekend was my birthday weekend and I had some great plans. However, they were just plans. I find that most of the time when I make plans something always interferes and things don't turn out as well as I plan. Where as if I sort of wing things I have a much better time.

Such as Friday, there were 2 events. One I wanted to attend more than the other and I believed I had expressed this to the Dominant that I had been speaking too. I believe we had even agreed to go to the event that I so wanted to go to. Then on Friday, he mentions about shooting pool which indicates the opposite event than the one I actually wanted. I thought OK...I can shoot pool and we can continue to get to know each other. This meeting I will have a lot more time to get ready and I will really be able to impress him.

That didn't happen. As agreed, I text when I was leaving home cause the event was an hour from my home but only about 15 minutes from his. I figured that would give him time to do what he needed and he could meet me there when I go there or shortly after. So when I arrive, I text "I'm here". Several minutes later I receive a text back stating that he was going to get dressed. I ask if I was going to be left waiting and the response was "yes. Sorry". Didn't go over well...I promptly told him to stay at home.

He tried to explain that Friday's were rough and he had laid down. Well that didn't go far with me. I was tired. Driving home from work, I had a hard time staying awake but I still managed to rest for 30 minutes, grab a hot shower and get myself ready. Plus I had an hour drive all to see someone that couldn't give me the same consideration.

So to say the least this set the tone for the weekend. I hadn't wanted to out with people but decided to take a chance on this Dominant. This was the 3rd meeting and the 2nd time he was basically standing me up. I had done what he ask of me but yet he couldn't respect me enough to be prompt.

Actually it sent me to the couch for the weekend, I didn't have the desire to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to be around anyone. So I stayed at home, watched tv and played online.

Sunday which was my actual birthday. I had 2 encounters. One self reported master who after speaking with him I came to realize he doesn't have a clue, wanted to meet me for lunch and a movie. The funny thing is he didn't wait for me and didn't even tell the truth when he was talking to me. He stated he left the restaurant at one time when I know he left a lot earlier. He also didn't go to the movie because he was calling me from his landline 52 minutes into the movie. I gave him my cell and he emailed he didn't have a cell.

He stated he didn't know what Old Guard Slavery was and ask me to explain aggressive sexual dominance which are a couple of my listed fetishes on Fetlife. Wow...this dude for being in the lifestyle for 25 years must have been hidden. Then he only wanted to talk about what he would do to a sub. He ask if meet n greets were vanilla, then described a dungeon experience as a meet n greet. I truly think he is confused and doesn't have a clue.

My other encounter is a vanilla who is interesting. I don't know where this will go but I plan to meet him and see. I've told him a little about my kink side...didn't want to scare him off yet. But at least he is getting to know me. He text and calls. We talk and have made plans to meet. I wonder if I can go back to vanilla after tasting the darkside? I wonder if I can bring him across?

Great Weekend to Start the Month

I must say that this weekend has been a great start to the month. First it started with Kinky Bowl V on Friday night. I met some new people and saw some old friends. Of course, I was able to get a couple of practice games in...lol.

Then Saturday I was able to stay a little closer to home with a meet n greet for the Zanesville group. The location was nice. It wasn't crowded for a Saturday night and had a DJ. The food was good also. I wasn't able to stay a long time but did have a chance to get my groove on and do some chatting.

Now I just need to get ready for next weekend...the anticipation is going to kill me.

November appears to be shaping up

Well November is my birthday month and the month that I make serious attempts to go to events. So I have looked and lined several up. The first being Kinky Bowl on Saturday. I hope to kick some ass...lol

Then my birthday weekend, I'm still trying to decide which to attend. On Friday, there are 2 events. The Perversion Diversion which is a meet n greet at a pool hall. Then there is L3 which is at a swing club. On Saturday, there is a munch and play party or I might just enjoy dinner and a movie with a friend. Sunday will be my alone time unless I get a better offer...lol.

There didn't seem to be much toward the end of the month. But December appears to hold some attraction also. Such as L3, Perversion Diversion, several munches and Season's Beatings, just to name a few. 

Inspired

A couple recent events have given me new hope and inspiration. The first was a fabulous night with some new friends. After walking away permanently from my play partner, I had decided to refocus my efforts on my family and work. So I spent most of my time working long hours, only making myself available when one of my children needed me.

Then one night while chatting with a new friend, she invited me come play with her husband/Dominant and their sub. I was going to be a surprise. I thought this would be cool and became extremely excited. I had no intentions of participating. My only plan was to watch the 3 at play.

When the question arose about moving to the bedroom so that we could relax without the constraints of clothing, I was the first to say "ok". I enjoyed the touching. Each of us touching one another. It was so relaxing.

Then too my surprise, I was told they were going to show me their "hospitality". Oh how I loved their "hospitality". All the touching focused on me. A female at each breast, one sucking easy and the other nibbling creating just enough pain. And of course, Sir was enjoying the taste of my pussy. The release was so needed as well as all the touching.

I continued to watch and enjoy the whole scene. Then I was taken by surprise again when Sir grabbed my legs, pulling my bottom closer to the edge of the bed and causing me to lay back. He pushed my legs up toward my chest giving him access to what he wanted. The feel of a dick in me for the first time in months was great and the rhythm was perfect. I was amazed that he wanted me. I had turned that side off and was a little shocked at the pleasure I was gaining. Then the girls made their presents known my playing with his balls and I felt their fingers on my ass.

The whole evening was great. I felt a little out of place but not because of my friends. They were so open and giving to one another freely while I held walls and remained guarded. I think of this as one of my greatest experiences and hope some day to have a repeat when I'm just as open and giving as freely.

This one night did so much for me, my friends don't truly know the extent.  It made me remember that I can't lock a part of myself up. I need to enjoy pleasure and that is what I was meant for. So I began talking to others and seriously began looking for another play partner which lead me to Friday evening.

On Friday, I went to a meet n greet so that I could meet face to face a man I had been chatting. It was a no pressure evening. We meet and spoke for several hours. He understands about negotiations and other general protocols. We both agreed that we should trying playing together in the future which I think will be so much fun. He says he has his clothes pins ready, he really liked that pic on my fetlife page.

I can't wait til next month. I plan to attend the meet n greet. In December, I hope to attend Season's Beatings again. Only this time, I will be attending single so that I don't feel the need to entertain a partner who is uninterested and dishonest. I think this will allow for me to be more relaxed and become more involved in the local lifestyle community. 

Guidelines for sub ownership

I found this in sargeusmc6669's writings. It seemed so fitting that I ask permission to re post.

Please give credit to this 1998 copyrighted piece written by Lord Colm's jade, who died several years ago. You can find the complete original writing titled "What do I need from my Dominant" of which the Submissive Owners Manual is only a section.

Submissive Owner's Manual

I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am . I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to have clearly defined limits . I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits . I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me . I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected . I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need You to be my role-model . I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviours on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance . I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You . Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership . No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it.