I'm so glad this week is coming to an end. Because Sir is busy with his work, we haven't chatted in almost 2 weeks. He did surprise me by posting He missed me on my Fetlife wall which put a smile on my face. He also attempted to contact me on IM but I was sleeping at the time. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to chat with him a little more.
Then my play partner is being an ass. Of course, I figured things would be rough this week. He told his "supposed" sub that he was attending an event with me and as I predicted, she has been causing problems.
I guess the primary reason I've been upset with him is because of his actions. I really don't think expecting a phone call is too much. Then he continually compares me to the bitch. I'm nothing like her. She yells and makes statements with no foundation. I would even say she has developed some delusions. And if I have a problem with her, I attempt to address it with her. When she has a problem, she runs to him and screams like he can really do anything to me.
I guess my frustration is we don't have a D/s relationship. We have stated it is strictly sexual. However, I have attempted to look out for him. He is naturally agressive and an alpha male but wants to go further to become a Dominate and then Master. He wants to build skills for play. He has come to the realization that he is a sadist and enjoys dishing out his fair share of pain and torture. He wants to learn to do it the right way, to inflict pain without damaging. I'm trying to show him the avenues to find the information so he can achieve his goal.
My real frustration comes when this "supposed" sub tells him something. She comes up with protocols but doesn't follow any herself. She states to everyone that she is his sub but doesn't act like one. She doesn't look out for him, his needs or wants. She is jealous and out of control. And when she is upset, I'm brought into the conversation. She is sneaky. I have blocked her from my page for a reason and she finds others to view my page and report back to her just so she can bitch about what he is doing with me. She doesn't see her behaviors are affecting her relationship.
Well, even with all my frustrations concerning my play partner, I chose to continue with the weekend. However, we were unable to attend the rope class or champagne room. I was extremely disappointed because I had so looked for to it for several months. But I finally realized that I no longer had the attention of my play partner. He wasn't in the least interested in having sex. I had to ask to be fucked which was very short. Neither of us were really satisfied.
I ask what happened to our sex life. It was so great the first 2 months, then about 6 weeks ago something happened and I really don't understand. I told him I would not return until he ask and again showed some interest. He stated he was distracted and had a lot going on. But today the truth finally came out. He accused me of lying and stated I acted just like his "supposed" sub.
Yes, I had been giving him attitude but it wasn't due to what she was doing but due to his behaviors. There was a change in our relationship. Instead of him being honest with what was wrong, he wanted to attempt to correct my attitude. What he failed to realize is we weren't in a D/s relationship, he kept saying we were just sexual. Even that wasn't even true.
But, oh well, on to the next chapter. I so need a play partner. Sir told me to go get fucked. He thinks that will help me over all which it probably will...time will tell
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Love this Post
This was posted in a Fetlife group.
"Submission is not about sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty.
Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman.. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.
Submission is about sensuality. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring and honesty. It is about being graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within.
Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person but just the opposite. She is strong. Shis is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love and trust.
Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the Dominant is there to catch her if she falters. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman."
I love reading things that touch the soul. It gives me hope that I will too have what is spoken about.
"Submission is not about sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty.
Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman.. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.
Submission is about sensuality. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring and honesty. It is about being graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within.
Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person but just the opposite. She is strong. Shis is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love and trust.
Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the Dominant is there to catch her if she falters. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman."
I love reading things that touch the soul. It gives me hope that I will too have what is spoken about.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Rebellion
I believe I just figured something out. Its something that I have always probably known, just didn't want to admit. I rebell when I am fearful or anxious, sometimes overwhelmed. Sometimes I just don't want to admit, express or inform that I have these feelings. I don't like to appear to be weak.
Well now that I have acknowledged it. I can learn to accept and work around.
Well now that I have acknowledged it. I can learn to accept and work around.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Quotes
I follow several blogs here on blogger. A Dautless Journey posted 2 quotes that I find very profound. The first is “The difference between a truly dominant man and a controlling one is that the dominant man needs and wants consent, whereas the controlling man doesn’t even understand what this word means.” by Sir J
I think this is a quote that all newbies and novice should see. I have often read threads on Fetlife asking about how to search for a Dominant. As most know the controlling isn't really a good Dominant. They just want control and their own demands and needs meet. They care very little about submission or the person giving. They are just concerned with control.
This quote describes Sir. When I expected him just to do something like post or share pics that I have sent, he didn't. As for posting, he ask if he could post to his page even though he requested and I freely provided with the expectation that he would post. I was impressed that he ask for consent before even considering.
During another conversation, I had shared some pics. We then discussed the possible involvement of one of his friends. I ask if he would going to share my pics and he stated only if I wanted him too. Again this took me by surprise. I had conversations with another who shared and didn't even think to mention that he intended to do so.
These were just a couple of instances that helped me to decide that Sir was in fact a good Dominant and the one that I wanted to learn from. He didn't demand or force. He chatted with me to learn more. He assisted in dissolving my anger and trust issues. He listens when I have concerns and doesn't make harsh judgements. Our relationship is LDR but I know I will be comfortable with him and trust that he will see to my safety.
The second quote posted is "Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self." — William Henkin. This to me speaks volumes for the essence and heart of a true D/s relationship.
I think this is a quote that all newbies and novice should see. I have often read threads on Fetlife asking about how to search for a Dominant. As most know the controlling isn't really a good Dominant. They just want control and their own demands and needs meet. They care very little about submission or the person giving. They are just concerned with control.
This quote describes Sir. When I expected him just to do something like post or share pics that I have sent, he didn't. As for posting, he ask if he could post to his page even though he requested and I freely provided with the expectation that he would post. I was impressed that he ask for consent before even considering.
During another conversation, I had shared some pics. We then discussed the possible involvement of one of his friends. I ask if he would going to share my pics and he stated only if I wanted him too. Again this took me by surprise. I had conversations with another who shared and didn't even think to mention that he intended to do so.
These were just a couple of instances that helped me to decide that Sir was in fact a good Dominant and the one that I wanted to learn from. He didn't demand or force. He chatted with me to learn more. He assisted in dissolving my anger and trust issues. He listens when I have concerns and doesn't make harsh judgements. Our relationship is LDR but I know I will be comfortable with him and trust that he will see to my safety.
The second quote posted is "Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self." — William Henkin. This to me speaks volumes for the essence and heart of a true D/s relationship.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Mistakes
I think I probably made a mistake today. I posted a thread on Fetlife that was really taken the wrong way by some but after reading some of the responses I could have done things differently.
I wrote about my play partner and the female he is involved with. I wanted some ideas on how to approach her because he wants us to be friends. However, it turned out differently. I wrote about behaviors that I felt needed to be changed and weren't sub like. I attempted to stay neutral but wasn't. I was probably a lot angry when I wrote it because there has been this back and forth since she found out we were friends on Fetlife.
She posted a thread asking "Am II wrong" but didn't list the behaviors for anyone to determine if she was wrong. I was felt she insulted me in that thread because she made mention of my professionalism within my career field which has nothing to do with this lifestyle.
I have always been the type to see a problem and attempt to provide options with which to fix the said problem. That is after all what I'm trained to do. But I now realize this isn't something that I can fix.
I have told my play partner that she and I will not be friends. I'm not even going to make an effort for several reasons. The primary reason is because she really doesn't mean what she says. I requested a public apoligize and she placed conditions on if she would or not. That tells me she isn't really wouldn't mean it, she would just be saying it to appease another.
Up until this point, I had remained quiet and I really don't know why I let the situation take me to the point that I posted the thread. I do want to apologize to SirBlock for posting about his interactions with another. I also want to apologize to Sir because I failed him by being impulsive and allowing my anger to get the best of me.
I wrote about my play partner and the female he is involved with. I wanted some ideas on how to approach her because he wants us to be friends. However, it turned out differently. I wrote about behaviors that I felt needed to be changed and weren't sub like. I attempted to stay neutral but wasn't. I was probably a lot angry when I wrote it because there has been this back and forth since she found out we were friends on Fetlife.
She posted a thread asking "Am II wrong" but didn't list the behaviors for anyone to determine if she was wrong. I was felt she insulted me in that thread because she made mention of my professionalism within my career field which has nothing to do with this lifestyle.
I have always been the type to see a problem and attempt to provide options with which to fix the said problem. That is after all what I'm trained to do. But I now realize this isn't something that I can fix.
I have told my play partner that she and I will not be friends. I'm not even going to make an effort for several reasons. The primary reason is because she really doesn't mean what she says. I requested a public apoligize and she placed conditions on if she would or not. That tells me she isn't really wouldn't mean it, she would just be saying it to appease another.
Up until this point, I had remained quiet and I really don't know why I let the situation take me to the point that I posted the thread. I do want to apologize to SirBlock for posting about his interactions with another. I also want to apologize to Sir because I failed him by being impulsive and allowing my anger to get the best of me.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Love
This is a topic that crosses my mind often. I've thought that its an over-rated emotion. But the other day when I was driving home from my play partner, I put it in a more realistic view. Something that I can accept, I should say.
There are many levels of love. At first, I always thought there could only be two: that for family and that for a partner. However, I don't believe that love is that simple. Even within the context of family, there are several levels.
When your talking the love for family, you have that for your child(ren) which to most individuals is an extremely strong bond to break or release. For me that same love extents to my grandchildren. Then you have that for your parents and finally all other family members. Of course, individuals can cross boundaries depending on circumstances. In my opinion, this particular love is innate and natural.
Now, when it comes to other people, one has to look at several things. Sometimes you can look and have extremely strong feelings which some confuse for love but its probably more attraction. The deep and everlasting takes time to develop with honesty and respect. This is a healthy and can substain most difficulties that may occur through the years.
This line of thinking makes me analogizes my own feelings and the relationships. In the past, I have thought that I loved several men but it wasn't anything more than an illusion. Dishonesty and the lack of respect only promoted distrust which resulted in the destruction of the relationship. This produced hurt feelings and anger. Walls built so that others will be blocked from the healthy interaction which is needed for growth of the individual.
However, in the last several years since those dysfunctional relationships, I have been able to find men that have shown me honesty and respect can be apart of a relationship. This promotes trust and positive feelings which are allowed to flourish and spand the test of time. These individuals may not be the person that you are to spend you life with but they help you to focus on positive productive feelings, not the negative which destroy.
I can honestily say I levels of love for 3 men at this point in my life. The first being my Dominate. He has been patient, honest and willing to listen which helps the past feelings of hurt and anger to dissolve and positive feeling of respect and love to grow. The second being my current play partner. As with Sir, I'm able to tell him anything and he feels the same with me. This elevates surprise of a misunderingstanding arising. I feel safe to ask questions and to tell my feelings. I think this makes me for accepting of guidance from Sir and expoloration with my play partner. When I'm upset about something, I'm able to express myself more appropriately with both individuals. This allows for clarity of expectations on all sides.
There is a third man that I have a level of love for. He was the first to help me dissolve those negative, destructive feelings. He has been patient, supportive and encouraging during the last several years. He has assisted me more than he will ever know. He has helped to open the doors to my healthy relationships with Sir and my play partner.
With all 3 of these individuals, I don't know what the long term plans or involvements will be. But I do know I will always have love for them and will always remain friends. I will be able to depend on them for support when needed.
I do hope I get out of this mood soon. I sound so mushy...lol.
There are many levels of love. At first, I always thought there could only be two: that for family and that for a partner. However, I don't believe that love is that simple. Even within the context of family, there are several levels.
When your talking the love for family, you have that for your child(ren) which to most individuals is an extremely strong bond to break or release. For me that same love extents to my grandchildren. Then you have that for your parents and finally all other family members. Of course, individuals can cross boundaries depending on circumstances. In my opinion, this particular love is innate and natural.
Now, when it comes to other people, one has to look at several things. Sometimes you can look and have extremely strong feelings which some confuse for love but its probably more attraction. The deep and everlasting takes time to develop with honesty and respect. This is a healthy and can substain most difficulties that may occur through the years.
This line of thinking makes me analogizes my own feelings and the relationships. In the past, I have thought that I loved several men but it wasn't anything more than an illusion. Dishonesty and the lack of respect only promoted distrust which resulted in the destruction of the relationship. This produced hurt feelings and anger. Walls built so that others will be blocked from the healthy interaction which is needed for growth of the individual.
However, in the last several years since those dysfunctional relationships, I have been able to find men that have shown me honesty and respect can be apart of a relationship. This promotes trust and positive feelings which are allowed to flourish and spand the test of time. These individuals may not be the person that you are to spend you life with but they help you to focus on positive productive feelings, not the negative which destroy.
I can honestily say I levels of love for 3 men at this point in my life. The first being my Dominate. He has been patient, honest and willing to listen which helps the past feelings of hurt and anger to dissolve and positive feeling of respect and love to grow. The second being my current play partner. As with Sir, I'm able to tell him anything and he feels the same with me. This elevates surprise of a misunderingstanding arising. I feel safe to ask questions and to tell my feelings. I think this makes me for accepting of guidance from Sir and expoloration with my play partner. When I'm upset about something, I'm able to express myself more appropriately with both individuals. This allows for clarity of expectations on all sides.
There is a third man that I have a level of love for. He was the first to help me dissolve those negative, destructive feelings. He has been patient, supportive and encouraging during the last several years. He has assisted me more than he will ever know. He has helped to open the doors to my healthy relationships with Sir and my play partner.
With all 3 of these individuals, I don't know what the long term plans or involvements will be. But I do know I will always have love for them and will always remain friends. I will be able to depend on them for support when needed.
I do hope I get out of this mood soon. I sound so mushy...lol.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Summer progress
I’m so happy for the decisions that I have made to date. I chose a very good man for my first real Dominant. Sir is realistic and respectful. Sir understands that we are miles away and I have needs. As long are I respect the limits he has established and carry myself well, Sir doesn’t have a problem. When something is forgotten, Sir isn’t overly critical and understands things happen but reminds me not to let it happen again.
As for S, my play partner, things are going great in this area. We haven’t been able to get together as much but we have a very open line of communication. He feels he can speak with me about anything. However, one day his typical topics were on my last nerve which caused me to hang up on him. I was tired and moody. He didn’t think anything about it and the next day things continued as before.
Sir has made several requests that I’m attempting to accomplish. One will be completed on Monday and that is my tattoo, a black spade on my left breast. Sir has also ask that I be fisted by S. S has been working on this the last few times we have been together. He was able to get almost his whole hand in. It was a little painful but I probably could take more. I keep wimping out. I’m sure when it comes to Sir, he will push my limits and not let me wimp out. The new task which was added is orgasm control. I have my doubts about accomplishing this one but Sir seems confident that I will do fine.
S wants to learn to be a Dominant and has some qualities that give him the potential to be a very good Dominant. He is lacking some skills, mostly physical. I think I can help him in this area. We can attend some educational demos, I can feel the sensation and he can learn a skill.
Tonight we discussed Old Guard. I think he will find this philosophy interesting and he is planning to read up on the topic. I will also direct him to read and follow some blogs and possibly write his own.
As for S, my play partner, things are going great in this area. We haven’t been able to get together as much but we have a very open line of communication. He feels he can speak with me about anything. However, one day his typical topics were on my last nerve which caused me to hang up on him. I was tired and moody. He didn’t think anything about it and the next day things continued as before.
Sir has made several requests that I’m attempting to accomplish. One will be completed on Monday and that is my tattoo, a black spade on my left breast. Sir has also ask that I be fisted by S. S has been working on this the last few times we have been together. He was able to get almost his whole hand in. It was a little painful but I probably could take more. I keep wimping out. I’m sure when it comes to Sir, he will push my limits and not let me wimp out. The new task which was added is orgasm control. I have my doubts about accomplishing this one but Sir seems confident that I will do fine.
S wants to learn to be a Dominant and has some qualities that give him the potential to be a very good Dominant. He is lacking some skills, mostly physical. I think I can help him in this area. We can attend some educational demos, I can feel the sensation and he can learn a skill.
Tonight we discussed Old Guard. I think he will find this philosophy interesting and he is planning to read up on the topic. I will also direct him to read and follow some blogs and possibly write his own.
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