Nervous

As I enter into a new phase of this lifestyle and life in general, I am excited but nervous. I'm even beginning to wonder if its real. I guess that is apart of a long distance relationship.

While waiting to met the Dominate I believe will teach me all the pleasure of the lifestyle, I worry about if he will like me? Will his words turn to actions?

Then I turn the worries to myself, will I be able to handle the pain? Will I find pleasure in pain? Will he show how pleasure and pain go hand in hand?

So many questions, will I find the answers? I truely hope so and hope it is soon.

Another Gone

I have had an on again, off again relationship with G. At this time, I believe it is off forever. I thought I owed him the courtesy of hearing about my change in status from me, not my page or another. He could only respond "have fun be well". To me this was him saying good bye.

When I ask about it, he stated "I lost you months ago when you stopped contacting daily". I ask why contact daily when I'm not going to receive a response. Actually in thinking back, he did loose me, probably around October, when he refused to give me his address so I could send him a birthday present. I knew then that things would never go anywhere with us.

He stated he loved me but did he really. I don't think so because if he truely had, I would have been worth more than an occassional note here and there. But according to his actions, I wasn't valued or respected. I was a convenience. When he wanted to chat and talk shit, I was available. I think he expected me to wait forever.

That is actually what they have all thought (recent past relationships). Say some flowery words and make her feel good, she will take the emotional abuse and loneliness they wanted me to exist within.

The only disappointment is he said we would always be friends. That was just a lie to entrap me.

Found

I made a decision today. I ask Sir if the offer to be under consideration was still an option. He stated I could list myself as his sub. Of course, I ask a couple of questions and then accepted what he said. I changed my D/s relationship on my Fetlife page.

I've talked to several Dominates/Masters over the last several of months, looking for the one that accepts me for me. Sir M not only accepts me but shows me respect. He stated several months ago that he wanted me to put that I was under his consideration, when I ask if we could wait until we met, he agreed. We had only had a couple of conversations and didn't push me. When I ask if I should be calling him Sir, he stated he left that up to me. When I sent him pics, he didn't share them unless he had my permission first.

The final act that impressed me was when we cammed. He spoke to me and told me I was beautiful. He requested that I wear a sexy nightie. While camming, he ask for me to free my tits, nothing more. Others have insisted on seeing more and me doing more. He didn't.

Over the last month, I have tried to do everything he has ask. I think I have done a good job at completing what was ask and that was the reason he said he thought sub would be more appropriate. A reward for good behavior.

I also opened up to him and spoke a little more about me. I told him he could run because most do and he stated he wasn't. He even re-assured me that he would like me when we met face to face. I can't wait for that meeting.

Possible Find

I believe that I might have found the Dominate to take me to the next level. This probably isn't a permanent thing but he will train me and allow me to continue with other relationships. I believe this will be good for where I'm at in my life.

M is kind and understanding. He ask me to put I'm under consideration almost immediantly. But when I said I would prefer to wait until we met face to face, he was alright with that. When I suggested serving two Dominates, he stated have him email and they could come with a plan for me. And since this would be a long distance relationship, he understands that I have physical needs. He requested that I tell him when it was going to happen and that the man be black.

His request are few and very reasonable. I can't wait to met him. He has described some of the things that he wants to do to me and my body reacts. He knows that I haven't much experience and he will take that into consideration.

My only concern is my body. M's primary and other sub are both thin. I have mentioned this to him and he states he likes BBWs also. I also mentioned what I was told at another meeting. I met someone that encouraged me to meet him and at the meeting he stated he wasn't attracked to my body type. M stated that was that individual's loss.

I think this is going to be really good next step.

Trusting

Trusting is the hardest thing I have found to conquer within this lifestyle. I find myself beginning to let the walls down only to find disappointment. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high but after being hurt, its hard to give yourself. Giving my body isn't an issue because the marks will heal. I may be stiff and bruised but it all goes away. When the heart is hurt, it don't leave you are easily as the physical pain.

I begin giving a little trust hoping to build into something powerful, moving. However, I become disappointed each time. I begin to reveal some of myself. Some of the things I have experienced in my life only to have them thrown in my face when the Dominate is dissatisified with a conversation. This allows me to rebuild the wall and make it even higher, almost guarnteeing no one will be able to break it down.

This all makes me question everyone and their motives. Why are they talking to me? Are they really different from those of my past? Are they honest? Most of the time, I have found that there is no difference from the past and present. And what they consider honest isn't the same as what I consider honest to be.

Well, the search and struggle continues.

Frustrated

I'm been talking to V for several weeks...today I opened a topic of dicussion and then he states that I'm making demands...Maybe I was but I think it an issue that needed to be discussed and brought into the open.

The topic was him telling his slave of his intention to be involved with me. He doesn't believe we have a relationship because we have only talked online. But he won't admit that he has attempted to control me.

I mentioned that I was planning to go to a party. He ask if I was planning to fuck someone, when I answered it was a possibility. He ask if I was asking permission and I stated yes. He gave me his permission to fuck. To me, this is an indication that we have something more than just online. Plus he has stated that I will get fucked in March, April at the latest. Another indication that this is more than online.

His refusal to acknowledge his intent gives the impression that his relationship isn't as open as he has stated. He flat out refuses to talk to his slave. When I made the statement that I don't like to be hid, he states he don't hide or lie. But the bottom line is he will not tell his slave that he is planning to train me.

In this lifestyle, individuals design their relationship to fit their needs. It is suppose to be open and honest which creates an atmosphere to encourage trust. But how can someone trust another when they refuse to be open and honest. The really sad part is he don't see or understand my point.

I have only ask he to tell his slave. I want to know she is ok with what he intents. I don't see where that is wrong if the relationship is truely open.

Looking

When I first began exploring this lifestyle, I kept wondering if I could submit. I realize I can submit, I just haven't found the man that I'm willing too. I've read threads, posted threats and have had a few involvements. However, after a break up with a supposed dom, I chose to withdraw and continue my research.

I took some advice from one of my threads and was determined to explore on my own. I have attended munches and a play party. I'm still wanting to attend a major event but life happens so I haven't been able to as of yet. I have faith that I will. I have attended things single so far but I would like to attend a major event with another, either play partner or friend. I wanted to play at the play party but because I didn't know anyone, I didn't feel comfortable so I opted to watch. I wanted to see play live. I wanted to see how the subs/slaves reacted.

As for looking, I didn't think it would be hard. You just need to find someone you are attracted too. Someone that is trustworthy. Someone that is honest. This task proved harder than expected. And I believe the reason is most Dominates want to change me into what they want. They don't want to accept me for me. This has lead me to maintain the walls that I have built from devastating past relationships.

I inform the individual that I'm talking to of my moods, how I can be easily offended and how I normally react. They seem not to believe until I actually show some dissatification. After several, you realize the ones that just won't work and learn to move to the next.

I have two that I truely believe can take me to the next level. I'm really at a loss as to what to do at this time. I don't believe either will be permanent but I do feel they will both be great teachers. I do know I will not make any decisions until I meet both face to face.

I have said before, I will know when I meet the person that will be my life partner. One never knows when that person will enter one's life. So for now, I'm going to continue learning and developing my submissiveness.